Boundaries with Connection {EP 2}


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Brain-based parenting with connection and coregulation doesn’t mean boundary-less parenting. In fact, if you are parenting a child who is a little delayed with regard to developing self-regulation, this type of parenting actually means MORE boundaries.

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

But boundaries aren’t consequences or punishments.

Boundaries are the supports your child needs to be successful.

It’s a little like toddler proofing. Toddlers aren’t untrustworthy, misbehaving, or sneaky because they explored the stairs and then fell down. Toddlers are just doing their toddler thing with their toddler brain. It’s our job as the adults to provide the boundaries and co-regulation they need to support their developmental task (exploration) without getting hurt!

So we provide lots of supervision and baby-gates. And we support their safe exploration of the stairs- holding their hands as they go up and down, or sitting one step below them while they play.

If we remember a few important tenets of brain-based parenting:

  • Connection is a biological imperative
  • Behavior is an externalization of inner experience
  • Regulated, Connected, Kids who Feel Safe Behave Well

Then we can feel confident that when our kids are struggling (lying, stealing, manipulation, opposition, etc.) that they need more support.

What does it really mean to follow the rules?

Following the rules and behaving in socially acceptable ways requires quite a bit of internalized co-regulation/self-regulation.

Think about it.

Do babies and toddlers follow the rules and behave in socially acceptable ways?

Have you ever taken one out to dinner??? 

They aren’t naughty or bad. They don’t have the brain structures in place to not cry loudly, wait patiently for their dinner, or know that the family behind you isn’t there to entertain them.

As they grow, their brain grows. And if they are experiencing co-regulation by a regulated, attuned caregiver, their regulatory circuits grow too.

They can wait without screaming, even when they are really hungry.

They can comply with your redirection to leave the nice family behind you alone because they are trying to enjoy a nice dinner.

It’s not that their thinking brain grew enough for them to know this is the way to behave in a restaurant.

The knowing is HELPFUL, but we all know that simply KNOWING the correct behavior and DOING the correct behavior don’t always coincide.

So why do children increase in their ability to behave in the ways we expect?

Well….at the same time that their thinking braining is developing and gaining all sorts of new knowledge, their regulatory circuits are developing and growing nice and strong.

Their brain develops in a lovely harmony and then they demonstrate the behavior we expect! Not perfect by any means, but typical kid behavior.

And this happens to a whopping…oh….1% of children?

Honestly I have no idea the actual statistic.

But I do know the families that I work with aren’t parenting children who are behaving in developmentally expected ways.

Delayed Developmet of Self-Regulation

The families I work with tell me they can’t trust their children to play with the neighbors without bopping them on the head or throwing a truck at them.

At the age of 10.

The families I work with tell me that they can’t trust their children to walk down the street to play with their friend without their child defacing another neighbor’s bike or walking straight into an even DIFFERENT neighbor’s house.

At age 12.

The families I work with tell me that they can’t trust their child to go to the bathroom by themselves without dumping out all the shampoo, squeezing the toothpaste down the drain, and clogging up the toilet with allllllllllll the toilet paper.

At age 7.

We can look at these behaviors through the lens of connection, regulation, and felt-safety, but….

What do we actually DO about these behaviors?

Parents feel manipulated and held-hostage. They say things to me like “as soon as I’m not there, my child does whatever they want.” “My child only behaves correctly when I’m watching.”

Yes!!! Yes this is true!!!

But it’s not about trust!!!

It’s about regulation!!

As children’s brains are still building and wiring and developing, they rely on their caregiver’s brains to ‘lend them’ regulation.

Regulation helps with impulse control. Slowing down. Thinking through consequences. THINKING before doing. Making prosocial choices with behavior. Valuing other people. Knowing how my behavior impacts other people. Understanding the LONG term impact of my behavior instead of this instantaneous impact of my behavior.

Decrease the Distance

Boundaries with Co-Regulation almost always means our child needs more of us. More instruction. More support. More supervision. They need us to be literally, physically closer. More often.

It means your 10-year-old can’t be dropped off at a birthday party. It means your 12-year-old can’t ride bikes arounds the block. It means your 16-year-old can’t get their driver’s license or go to the movies unsupervised with their friends.

Because they need you CLOSER. Not because they can’t be trusted. Because they literally need the coregulation.

Coregulation isn’t always active. Coregulation is often just about being present.

Over time, children internalize the co-regulation.

Internalized coregulation is ONLY developed through coregulation.

Not through teaching.

Not through parent-imposed consequences.

Not through punishment.

Providing more co-regulation may me that you:

Decrease the distance

Increase attunement

Provide appropriate scaffolding (scaffolding means we slowly decrease the supports in place, allowing children to flex the muscles of their new skills.  Think of it like training wheels on a bike!)

And then you grieve your child’s intense need for co-regulation.

Your 10-year-old needs you to stay at the birthday kid’s house for the birthday party, hanging out in the kitchen, or maybe even just sitting in the car. Your 12-year-old needs you to ride behind them while they ride bikes around the block. Or they can only go two houses down, or they must stay in the caul-de-sac. Even when all their friends get to go further.

Your 16-year-old can have their friends over to watch a movie but can’t be dropped OFF at the movies. Or you and your teen agree that you can stealthily buy a ticket to the same movie, sit in the back, and pinky-promise that your teen’s friends WILL NOT SEE YOU. But you gotta be there.

Your 6 and 8-year-olds can’t play unsupervised in their bedrooms. They need to play in the living room, with you nearby.

Again, this isn’t about TRUST. It’s about having the necessary co-regulation available.

Parenting is supposed to get less active as our children get older, so actively parenting your teenager as though they are a toddler is exhausting.

And they are missing out on some pretty cool aspects of being a teenager.

There is grief there.

These boundaries might feel like a punishment to your child.

I get it. That’s hard. Allow them to be angry and to protest and to plead.

It’s so hard to be different.

Co-regulation is intended to build internalized self-regulation!

Don’t forget! This is just a part of the process. The entire point is to provide your child the experiences their brain needs so that they can develop their own regulatory circuits!!! (Though sometimes kids do have significant brain-based differences that require us to reconsider our long-term goals).

Children who have delayed development of their regulatory circuits- whether that’s due to abuse, neglect, toxic stress, or other factors that have less to due with their caregiving experiences- need MORE boundaries, not less.

So often when we think about boundaries we think about consequences and punishments. Boundaries are much more effective when proactively provided- like a baby gate! Boundaries recognize the development of our children’s brains and provide them the support and supervision that they need to be their best selves. Boundaries help our kids have the kinds of experiences they need for their brain to develop MORE regulatory circuits!!!

Regulation isn’t the only reason children struggle with behaviors- it could be a lack of connection (to you or to themselves) or a lack of felt-safety (or they truly don’t know the right thing to do, though that’s usually the least likely reason).

But if the reason for the difficult behavior is lack of regulation, we’ve got to INCREASE the coregulation.

Decrease the distance

Increase attunement

Implement scaffolding (remember- scaffolding is like training wheels)

Keep on keepin’ on.  Building brains is hard work.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the link!

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Opposition, Defiance, & Control


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A Brain-Based Deep-Dive

It kinda sounds like “Lion, Tigers, and Bears, OH MY!” right?

I suppose in a way, opposition, defiance, and control isn’t terribly different than lions, tigers, and bears 😊.  Parenting a child who feels stuck in oppositional, defiant, and controlling behavior can certainly be exhausting.  It’s walking on eggshells, just longing to relax in your home.

One of the most difficult aspects of being with someone who is oppositional, defiant, or controlling is that it invites US to become those things, too.

Think about it- what’s your instinct in how to respond to someone being controlling? 

We tend to dig in our heels, too.  Get controlling, too.  It starts to become a tug-of-war, battle of the wills, right?

This is completely normal because our nervous systems are contagious!  Unless we pause and make a choice to soothe ourselves, our bodies are going to respond to oppositional, defiant, and controlling behavior by becoming exactly those things ourselves.

Remember in the felt-safety blog that I talked about how our nervous system is looking ‘inside, outside, and in-between’ to determine if we feel safe or not?

That applies to us too!!!

If we are with someone whose nervous system is in a fear-based defensive state, we experience that as not safe.

And now our nervous system shifts into a fear-based defensive state.

Makes sense!  But unfortunately, ultimately not helpful- for us or our kids.

And remember how we learned to track arousal instead of only behaviors? (Using behaviors as cues for levels of arousal).

Well…oppositional, defiant, and controlling behavior are CUES for arousal!

If connection is a biological imperative (it is!!!! You can read about that HERE) then we automatically know that a child (person!) demonstrating oppositional, defiant, or controlling behavior has flipped into their fear-based brain.

They are not experiencing felt-safety.

We can use fancy science words like “neuroceiving” (coined by Dr. Stephen Porges) to talk about this spidey-sense that helps our brain determine if we are safe or not safe.

We only get oppositional, defiant, or controlling when we ARE NOT FEELING SAFE.

When we are not NEUROCEIVING SAFETY.

And because in every unfolding moment we are all responding to the reality that is created by our minds based on what’s actually happening in the here and now AND based on everything that has happened in the past, we MUST trust that our child is responding to their own reality of safe or not-safe.  (This is weird, right?  You can read an article about the way our minds create our reality based on the NOW and the PAST by CLICKING HERE).

But when you child is acting oppositional, defiant, controlling, or even aggressive, and you remember that they only demonstrate these behaviors when their own reality tells them that they are not safe, you might be thinking “BUT this is not my reality!  EVERYTHING IS SAFE!!!”  You might be left scratching your head, or even feeling angry, because THERE IS NOTHING UNSAFE HAPPENING HERE!!!

Yes.  That’s true.  That’s your experience of reality.

And it’s also true, all at the same time, that if your child is being oppositional, defiant, or controlling, that they aren’t experiencing felt-safety.

They are neuroceiving danger.

There is literally no other reason to be oppositional.  Defiant.  Controlling.

Read that again.

There is literally no other reason to be oppositional.  Defiant.  Controlling.

Humans are designed to be in connection.  In cooperative relationships.  It’s literally how we survive.

Unless we feel unsafe.  And then we survive by not complying.

So…what on earth do we DO about this?!

The number one strategy for parenting or working with a child with behaviors that could be labeled oppositional, defiant, or controlling is CURIOSITY.

A breath.  A pause.

Then I say to myself:

This child is experiencing cues of danger- inside, outside, or in between (or some combination of two or all three).

This isn’t personal.

This is survival.

It’s weird that this is about survival because it sure doesn’t seem like there is anything dangerous, let alone life threatening, happening right now.

But I will trust in the truth that connection is a biological imperative and feeling unsafe is the only explanation for oppositional, defiant, or controlling behavior.   

Now….my own nervous system has settled.

This is important because one, it’s exhausting to be chronically in fight/flight, even mildly.  And parenting a child with a history of trauma leaves us in our own chronic state of fight/flight because nervous systems are contagious!!!  So it’s super important that I look for opportunities to rest my nervous system and not respond to my child’s fight/flight behaviors with my own.

This is important because two, I cannot offer cues of safety to my child if I’m in a place of fight/flight.  And if I can’t offer cues of safety to my child, they will remain stuck in feeling unsafe, and the oppositional, defiant, or controlling behavior remains- or escalates.

Opposition, defiance, verbal aggression, and physical aggression are the stages of arousal on the fight/flight continuum- otherwise known as the watch dog brain 😊 (No idea what I’m talking about?? You definitely will want to go check out my article on Tracking Arousal instead of Behavior).

The overall big picture?

Offer cues of safety.

Soothe their nervous system.

Provide connection and regulation.

Hang in there.  We can do hard things (I know this, because we are doing them constantly.  Like it or not. It’s clearly not going away).

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Felt-Safety? What’s That?? {EP 17}

,


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And….how do we create it??

When was the last time you said something like “My head knows that’s true, but my heart doesn’t.”

I said it just yesterday.

Or maybe your inner voice sounds like “I know that’s true, but it doesn’t feel true.”

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

Felt-safety is a subjective experience of safety

Subjective meaning that BEING safe doesn’t necessarily FEEL safe.

Without using the logical thinking brain, the lower not-conscious parts of the brain are asking “Am I safe?” every quarter of a second!!!  That’s four times EVERY SECOND. 

“Safe???”

“Not safe????”

This super fast safety detector is looking three different places.

  1. Our inner experience (heart rate, being hungry, even genetics, biology, inflammation, neuroimmune etc.)
  2. The environment
  3. The person I’m with and our relationship.

Three places, four times every second.

It’s actually pretty impossible to wrap our brains around!

How is the brain determining if something is safe or not?

Our brains are designed to be as efficient as possible so we take all our previous experiences, everything we’ve learned in the past (both consciously and unconsciously) and blend that together with the thing that is actually happening in the here and now.

So, your little one who was once picked up from school by a stranger, put in a car, and brought to a new family, never to see their old family again?

Imagine the new school counselor coming to meet your child in class.

New adult.  In professional clothes.  At school.

DANGER DANGER DANGER DANGER.

The school counselor isn’t actually dangerous (well, hopefully!!!) BUT the brain took the now experience (new adult, in professional clothes, at school) and blended it together with a previous experience that was very similar.

If the previous experience was scary, dangerous, traumatic, or just extremely memorable (even if it was good!!!) our brain will give a little more weight to the past experience when deciding how to respond to the now experience.

The brain is also pretty preoccupied with keeping us alive.  

If something scary or dangerous happened in the past, the brain realllllly wants us to learn from that experience.  This means that we are much more likely to have a similar “danger danger!!!!!!!!” response- even if the situation isn’t dangerous.

The school counselor scenario is a decent example of how the brain is looking into the environment for felt-safety.

What about looking into the internal experience?

If a child has a history of intense hunger in the past, then maybe even very mild symptoms of hunger pull up a full-blown fight/flight response.

If a child has a history of having a fast beating heart only when something was dangerous (as opposed to when playing or having fun), then a fast beating heart at recess when nothing is truly dangerous may trigger a full-blown fight/flight response.

Our child’s inner experience isn’t just remnants from the past!  All of us have a protective response when we start to feel hunger or thirst or the urge to go to the bathroom.  This response is a way of motivating us to meet our needs.  It signals “something’s not right!” so we do something about it.

Many children (and adults!) also have other brain-based, biology-based, or genetic-based differences that could contribute to a lack of felt-safety.  An illness- even something as small as a cold or a fever!

How about felt-safety from the person I’m with?

This one is tricky.  One of the places our brain is looking to decide if we are safe or not is if the person I’m with is feeling safe or not.

If the person I’m with is in their own fight/flight or fear-based state- regardless of how well they are trying to hide it– I am going to experience that as ‘not safe.’

If a child is with an adult who is experiencing fear themselves- even if that fear is based on the child’s behavior- then that child cannot experience that adult as safe.  And then the child’s nervous system can’t shift into safety and out of fight/flight or collapse.

It’s pretty hard to control if your child receives cues of safety from their inner experience- but it is important to make sure they are fed, watered, and their sensory needs are met.  We can provide medical treatment and prompt diet changes.  Sometimes (and for some families, many/most of the time) there isn’t much we can do to change our child’s internal experience of felt-safety.  But shifting our lens to understanding that the behavior we are seeing makes perfect sense based on our child’s experience helps us stay out of judgement, remain open and compassionate, and allows us to keep sending relational cues of safety.  This isn’t enough- meaning it won’t necessarily change your child’s internal experience- but it’s still important.

It’s not always easy to control if your child receives cues of safety from the environment- but we can provide as much structure, predictability, and routine as possible (and also be aware of what types of experiences feel unsafe to our children and make accommodations).

It’s DEFINITELY not always easy to control how safe or not safe WE are feeling!!!!

We just keep trying. 

As cliché as it is, parents and caregivers really do need to prioritize their own regulation, widening their own window of tolerance, and finding their own experiences of felt-safety.  Self-compassion, playfulness, noticing things that are good and pleasant, and finding places of connection are all great ways to help our bodies notice and experience felt-safety.

Noticing your own internal cues that let you know you are not feeling safe is also important!  Is your voice getting higher?  Are you holding tension in your shoulders?  Is your heart pounding?

Believe it or not, oftentimes just noticing these cues helps us shift how safe we are feeling.  And we can learn a few other tips and tricks- like taking a breath with a long exhale, placing a hand over our heart, or developing a self-compassion mantra.

Felt-safety- a subjective experience based on cues we receive (below conscious awareness) from our inner experience, the environment, and the person/relationship I’m with.

How the Brain Creates Reality

If you are interested in learning a little bit more about how the brain creates it’s own experience of reality- based only partially on what’s actually happening in the here and now– you can read these blog posts:

No Behavior is Maladaptive

Trauma, Memory, and Behavior

And also watch the free three-part video series on Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors (and get the free e-book!).

I know that understanding these concepts doesn’t fix all the behaviors- but believe it or not- understanding these concepts is a parenting strategy.  I explain that more in the Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors video series!!!

Keep on keepin’ on….together, we are changing the world….for children, and for everyone.

Robyn

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Focus on Arousal- Not Behaviors (Part 2) {EP 4}


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Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

Or….getting to know your child’s possum brain (and maybe yours, too).

Have you ever looked up from your morning cup of coffee to find a real, live possum sitting on top of your brand new laser-jet printer??????

Or…is that just me?

Yup.  That happened to me.

It was freaky.

And now my friends sometimes bomb my Facebook wall with photos of possums, news stories about possums, and little factoids about possums (North America’s only marsupial!!!  They eat ticks!).

The possum on my printer acted REALLLLLY mad.  It hissed and spewed and screamed this non-scream (seriously, it was so weird).

And then it played possum.  Totally zonkered out.  Which allowed us (ahem, my husband) to safely get the possum into the backyard.  When I checked five minutes later-it had scampered off.

The possum used their fight response (the possum’s watch dog brain!!) to spew and hiss and look really, really mean until that just didn’t work anymore.  So the possum collapsed.

The possum used their possum brain.

The super mean freaky spitting scary possum was really just terrified.

So terrified, it seemed to believe that playing possum was it’s only chance.

And it worked.  The possum was then gently and safely placed in our backyard.  Alive and well.

The total collapse from the possum let me know it was in absolute terror brain.  But just like the watch dog brain goes from alert to alarm to fear to terror, so does the possum.

Remember Dr. Perry’s Arousal Continuum from Part 1?

Today, let’s focus on the possum brain (dissociation continuum).

When humans dip into their possum brain, they are dipping into a brain that believes “I’m probably about to die.”  The possum is actually MORE terrified than the watch dog.  Usually our possum kids have had significant experiences of feeling as though their life was in terrifying danger (this could also be experiences of neglect because neglect is a life threatening experience).

I like to make this clear because possum behaviors SEEM smaller than watch dog behaviors.  The possum shuts down and gets smaller and smaller and smaller.  Less and less and less energy and arousal.  The watch dog gets bigger and bigger and bigger- the watch dog gets our attention.

Possums sometimes slide under the radar- especially if you have a possum AND a watch dog in your family.

Possum behaviors feel less scary but can feel MORE frustrating.

It’s hard to understand being ignored.  The spacey eyes.  The forgetfulness.  Parents of possums need to be regularly reminding themselves that possums are terrified.  They need lots and lots and lots of connection and felt-safety.

The alert possum is just starting to shut down.  This possum might look bored or a little ‘flat’ in the eyes and face.

The alarmed possum can become OVERcompliant (weird that this is a problem right?  But overcompliance is actually pretty dangerous outside the safety of your family).  The alarmed possum can sometimes feel robotic- they tend to say ‘Yes!’ a lot and just do what they are told- without even thinking (again, I know that sometimes this doesn’t seem like a problem but it is.  It’s a pretty unsafe behavior AND shows us that the brain is realllllly afraid).

The fear possum is starting to show body signs of collapse.  Arm and legs lose their energy.  They are slouched over.  They are forgetful, can’t complete tasks that you are confident they know how to do.  They might be using dissociative behaviors- totally immersion in a book or video game or television.

And the terror possum is in complete collapse.  This could be as severe as fainting or falling asleep.

Here’s the most important part!!!

The MOST IMPORTANT TIP when parenting a child in their possum brain is to offer up lots and lots of felt-safety.  I know that it is so frustrating to parent a child in their possum brain but it’s important to stay regulated and connected.  Imagine trying to hurry up a collapsed possum, or fussing at them to “JUST THINK.”  Or my favorite (speaking from experience here, dear ones) tell a possum that “If you would just DO IT instead of procrastinating and fussing, it would be DONE BY NOW!!”

Patience.  Connection.  Boundaries.

A drink and a snack (for real).

Maybe a little bit of movement.

Patience. Connection. Boundaries.  Appropriate expectations.

Parenting a kid in the possum brain is waaaay less about strategies and waaaaaay more about parenting with coregulation and looking for opportunities to create felt-safety.

I know.  It’s really frustrating.

I have a two-page infographic that will help you know what you are looking for with these different levels of arousal in both the watch dog and the possum brain.  When you can recognize behaviors as a cue or a clue that your child is in a certain level of watch dog or possum brain, you’ll increase your compassion, patience, and ability to be helpful.

If you snagged the infographic from Part 1 of this 2-part series on watch dog and possum brains, it’s the same one- you don’t need to sign up again because you already have it!

But if you didn’t get it yet…

Thanks for coming along on this watch dog and possum journey 😊  It’s been fun!!!  I hope to see you back here soon!

Robyn

PS Oh yeah!!! If you haven’t read part 1, you can read it by CLICKING HERE.

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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We are always searching…and yearning…for connection {EP 28}


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Keep reading or listen on my podcast!

“Connection is a Biological Imperative.”  Stephen Porges, MD

Connection is actually our default.  Meaning- we assume connection.  It’s a given.

When connection is missing, we get a bit stressed.

It’s like getting a bit stressed when we’re hungry.  The stress puts our body into motion so we find food.

This is protective.  It’s not bad. It get’s us moving so we can get our needs met.

The stress of missing connection is the same.

We search for it.

We behave in ways that get people’s attention.

Maybe we get whiney.  Our voice gets a little louder and a little higher pitched.

Our movements might get a teeny bit more agitated.

We get a little persistent.  HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Think about the last time you took a phone call.  Or buried your face in a Facebook post.  (Hey- no judgment here- my face is buried in social media a lot…I’m working on it).

Was someone in your family needing your attention almost immediately???

Of course.  Because all the sudden you weren’t available for connection.  And humans sniff that out a mile away!

The idea that connection is a biological imperative- meaning it’s an innate part of who we are as humans, and we can’t lose it- is important to hold on to if you spend a lot of time with someone who seems to reject connection at every pass.  Someone who behaves in a way that makes it seem as though the LAST thing they want is connection.

Do you know someone like that?  Parent someone like that?

That is exhausting work.

Exhausting.  Demoralizing.  Hopeless.

Except…it truly isn’t hopeless.  But it does, indeed, FEEL hopeless.

If connection is a biological imperative, believing in connection isn’t hopeless.

It FEELS hopeless.

Really and truly, I get that.  I get that feeling of hopeless in my bones.

But hopelessness is just a symptom.

Hopeless is what existed to set a person up to become someone who rejects, sabotages, or refuses connection.

Read that part again.

Hopeless is what existed to set a person up to become someone who rejects, sabotages, or refuses connection.

Your child who rejects connection to the point you feel hopeless?

This is a child who yearned for connection with such intensity, and didn’t find the connection that was needed with such frequency, that THEY became hopeless.

Hopeless is a terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE way to feel.

Being powerful enough to reject connection, to set people up to reject you, to be constantly looking for PROOF that connection doesn’t exist- that’s powerful.

Or at least it’s a more powerful feeling than hopeless.

Hopeless is a nothing.

Rejection is a something.

Something feels better than nothing.

Imagine having been so hurt by connection that you orchestrate your entire life around rejecting connection.

Some of you reading might not have to imagine hard.

Either because you live with that person….or sometimes you are that person.

Can you hold hopelessness with the belief that connection is a biological imperative?

It’s there somewhere?

It’s hidden.

But it’s there.

It’s devastatingly sad to think that someone has had such terrifying experiences with connection that they have to work that hard to avoid connection.

If connection wasn’t a biological imperative, they wouldn’t have to work so hard to avoid it.

But it is.  It’s there.  I promise you.

The rejection is a reflection of the pain.  Of the need for protection.

The greater the intensity of the rejection, the greater the intensity of the pain.

Holding onto the belief that connection is a biological imperative might allow you to keep offering connection, despite the constant rejection.

Holding onto the belief that connection is a biological imperative might allow you to not take the rejection personally.  To feel deep sadness, compassion, and empathy that this person was hurt so badly by connection that they are now working this hard to avoid that level of hurt from ever happening ever again.

What changes for you if we reframe a child’s rejection of you, of connection, as a symptom that shows us how deeply they’ve been hurt by connection in the past?  Of a symptom of how exhaustingly hard they have to work to ward of connection- because it’s a biological imperative?

My hope is that it provides you with a moment of ease.  A moment of ‘this isn’t my fault- and it isn’t theirs either.’  And maybe even a moment of gratitude for their protective parts who are working so hard to prevent that level of pain from ever happening again.  A moment of gratitude that comes wrapped in grief for the tragedy of what they are missing- of the pain that they are causing themselves in attempt to prevent pain.

My heart aches for you- the person who loves someone who rejects connection.

My heart aches for everyone who rejects connection.

To reject the life preserver when you are drowning because you believe the life preserver will kill you.

If you can, keep offering it.

And I’ll keep offering it to you.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Not flipping your lid…when your kid flips theirs {EP 10}


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How do we stay grounded and regulated when our kids are going bananas?  Experiencing some trauma trigger?  Having a $5 reaction to a $.50 problem?  Or are WAY further into their watch-dog or possum brain than the situation reasonably warrants?

Isn’t that the million dollar question.

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

Because of the way our minds and bodies and nervous systems are connected to each other, when our kids flip their lids, of COURSE we do too!!!!

Unfortunately, because we (the grown-up) are theoretically the more regulated one in the relationship (LOL, I said theoretically) it’s our job to take the steps to come back into regulation and catch our OWN owl brain, so that we can offer regulation, connection, and felt-safety to our children.

So.  How on EARTH do we do this???

The absolute very first thing to do is simply to notice the reaction we are having.

“Whoa.  I’m going bananas, too. Just like my kid.”

Acknowledge that it feels very real to you.

“My brain must think this situation is pretttttty scary.”

Then…self-compassion.

“This is SO hard.  It’s hard to parent this child.  It’s hard to be constantly on alert.  It’s hard for my nervous system to be regularly going bananas.  It’s exhausting.”

Next…take a big breath, with an emphasis on the long exhale.  Relax your shoulders, fists, eyes.  Maybe sit down.  This sends a message to your watch dog brain that sounds like “Everything is OK here.”

Then…if I still need support to re-engage my owl brain, I bring to mind *my people.*  The people in my life who love me, care for me, offer me compassion, don’t judge me, but also hold my behaviors to a high standard.

I see their faces in my mind.  Hear their words.  Imagine what it feels like to have their hand on my back.

(I actually have a little knick-knack in my house that reminds me of being cared for by these important people. I can lay my eyes on this knick-knack and that helps, too).

Now I draw back on self-compassion, and bring to mind my self-compassion mantra (thanks Kristin Neff- who literally wrote the book on Self-Compassion).

This is a moment of suffering.  Suffering is a part of life.  May I be kind to myself in this moment.  May I give myself the compassion I need. (taken from the book Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff).

Chances are by now, after another big deep breath, I’m ready to pay attention to what the real problem is with my child.

And it’s usually that they need help with regulation, connection, or felt-safety.

These are a lot of steps.  I get it. 

Practice.  Try just one. Or two.

Or go through these steps later.  You can reflect on a situation where you and your child got dysregulated, and still go through all those steps.

With more practice, it gets easier.  Faster.  More automatic.

Just like practicing anything else- easier, faster, more automatic.

To help you practice these steps,

Robyn

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Trauma, Memory, & Behaviors


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“Why is my child still triggered…after all these years?”

“Why does my child STILL feel unsafe?”

“I’ve never hurt my child. They’ve never missed a meal here. Why does their history still matter?”

The parents I work with try so hard to be attuned. To be connected. To understand the impact of trauma.

So. Hard.

Three, or five, or ten years down the road of working hard to create safety, be attuned, provide the intense level of needed co-regulation needed to parent a child with a history of trauma, and it can start to feel pretty demoralizing when some triggers or behaviors haven’t seemed to change.

“WHY is my child still struggling?”

“And I doing it wrong?”

“Is something wrong with my child?”

“Will they ever be OK?”

Parents give me the side-eye when I try to help them understand that their nine-year-old’s meltdown over being told ‘no’ to a snack five minutes before dinner is related to their experiences when they were three (or even two, or one).

I say “They get overwhelmed with the belief that they’ll never eat again and it feels completely true in the moment!”

More side-eye. Uh…what? This child has now never missed a snack or a meal in seven or more years. AND dinner is literally being cooked and is almost ready to put on the table. And now they are kicking and screaming and you are saying it’s because of feeling hungry? Seven years ago?

Believe it or not- yes!! And it’s not about bad parenting, or manipulation, or anything like that.

It’s simply about memory science!

I LOVE MEMORY SCIENCE.

Let’s look at how our memory processing system is designed to work!

And…if you’d like to watch a free three-part video series AND receive a PDF E-Book (also free!) about Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors, you can grab there by CLICKING HERE.

Implicit Memory

Simply because things cannot be recalled does not mean they are not remembered…by your body and your mind. There are two kinds of memories- implicit and explicit. Implicit memory is the kind of memory that describes ALL of your memories before about age 18 months old, and MOST of your memories before about age three. Implicit memory including body sensations, feelings, perceptions, and behavioral impulses- which are behaviors that don’t have any conscious awareness.

Your child might not have recall memories of being left alone for eight-hours at a time when they were 12-months-old, but their body remembers the terror and helplessness. Terror and helplessness might have been experienced at the same time as other every-day things, like the sound of the television or the phone ringing. Or the way the light peaked in through the blinds. Or the smell of feces. In the brain “What fires together wires together” (Hebb’s Axiom) so terror and the telephone right may have been wired together. Or terror and the certain way the light looks in the room. In the future, when your child hears a phone ring or seems the light stream in a certain way, the part of their brain that holds terror may also be activated- EVEN THOUGH THEY DON’T HAVE CONSCIOUS MEMORY!!! This can be pretty confusing- for us and them!

Explicit Memory

After about age three, implicit AND explicit memory both start contributing to the way we have experiences, stores those experiences in our memory, and recall them later.
Explicit memory is what we are usually talking about when we are talking about memory. Explicit memory has a felt-sense of “I am remembering something right now.” You bring a situation to mind (or recall some facts) and there is a sense in your body that you are remembering this situation- not having it right now.

Explicit memories are recalled. It’s the image we bring to mind when we remember the day we got married or when we graduated. Or that moment from our favorite family vacation. When our memory processing system is working correctly (and when we are older than age three and encoding explicit memories!!), implicit and explicit memory work together. The positive sensations and feelings emerge in our body while we have fact-based memories of the experience. An image often comes to mind. There is a clear sense of “I am remembering something!” and we even have a different felt-sense that arises when we remember something from a year ago versus ten years ago.

These memories have a time stamp!

Explicit memory helps us orient to time. If explicit and implicit information is appropriately connected, then when you recall your favorite family Christmas at Grandma’s home because you smell homemade cinnamon rolls, your brain instantly knows that Christmas is a memory- it isn’t happening RIGHT NOW. If Christmas at Grandma’s house was traumatic and the experience was not fully integrated and appropriately stored in your memory processing system, you may be triggered by the sweet smell of cinnamon rolls and your body may feel as though Christmas is happening NOW. The feelings of the trauma will arise in your body now (feelings like terror, helplessness, hopeless) but they feel related to what is happening NOW- not a memory.

During traumatic experiences, implicit and explicit information may not be linked appropriately. The implicit does not connect to the explicit. And (here’s the REALLY important part) this implicit data that isn’t connected is often not altered by later life experiences! (Though it can be under the right circumstances…it isn’t hopeless!).

When an implicit memory is triggered and there is no explicit memory to help it understand time and place, your child’s body literally feels like the experience is happening RIGHT NOW. Which means fight/flight/freeze/collapse happens in less than an instant. Their experience in the now is flooded in the experience from the past, and their body reacts.

Trauma doesn’t tell time.

When an unintegrated implicit memory gets triggered, it doesn’t have access to information that tells your child “Hey! That happened a long time ago! You are safe now!” Trauma seizes your child’s body in the moment and thrusts them back into those terrifying times when the trauma was happening. This happens in milliseconds.

This isn’t happening because you are failing as a parent or because your child is being manipulative. It’s happening because of the way our memory processing system works and the way we construct our own experience of reality based on the NOW and the PAST- and then our body responds to THAT. It is always in response to how we are experiencing reality and it is always in response in trying to stay safe and alive.

Why do I think this is important?!

Believe it or not, understanding what’s happening and why it’s happening is a parenting strategy. It doesn’t really feel like a strategy, but it is! When we understand what’s happening, we can stay more regulated. We don’t take it personally. We don’t try to logic away the trauma response. We respond to the behavior with safety, co-regulation, and connection because we understand that the only necessary thing to do is soothe our child and help them come back into connection with the ‘here and now.’ We don’t punish, lecture, or berate ourselves for being a terrible parent.

And these actions actually are strategies. When we respond to a trauma response with connection, co-regulation, and safety, we actually are doing EXACTLY the thing that helps those disconnected implicit and explicit memories find each other and integrate. Experiencing safety and connection in a moment when the brain is expecting to experience danger (a trauma response means the brain is expecting to experience danger) is precisely what memory reconsolidation theory tells us needs to happen! This will encourage the disconnected implicit memories to get connected to the explicit so that the memory feels like a MEMORY. When our bodies know a memory is a memory and not what’s happening right now, it will decrease and maybe even eventually stop a fight/flight/freeze/collapse response.

Want to dive even deeper? FREE video series!

I love this topic SO MUCH and believe it is such powerful and important information for caregivers to have that I’ve created a three-part video series where we dive a little deeper into these concepts. So if you want a little better understanding of implicit and explicit memory, or if you learn better through listening to someone talk and/or seeing images, hop over to the video series. It’s completely free.

Trauma, Memory, & Behaviors VIDEO series!

Check out that video series by CLICKING HERE and definitely let me know what you think! What was one take away? What is something new you learned? How will it help you?

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Depathologize Human Behavior. For Good.


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I’m done with participating in a mental health system of pathology. In viewing human behavior through ANY lens except one that says “Based on your past experiences, your mind, your brain, and your current experiences, everything you are doing, seeing, saying, believing makes complete sense.”

I was done a loooong time ago.  I changed my approach, my beliefs.  I immersed myself in interpersonal neurobiology, then the relational neurosciences.  IPNB theory asserts that as complex systems (the human mind) we are ALWAYS attempting to move toward coherence.  That a lack of integration (often a result of early experiences, but certainly not always!) causes our minds to move toward chaos or rigidity- and that this move toward chaos or rigidity presents itself outwardly at the symptoms we label mental illness.

But even as our systems move into chaos or rigidity, we are always attempting to move back into coherence, connection, and regulation.  And sometimes the way we do that isn’t quite as helpful as we’d hoped.

This often looks like symptoms too!!!

What changes when we believe that everything we do is a result of our brain’s shift into chaos or rigidity and then our attempts at trying to regulate and move back into coherence? And that as complex systems, this is always happening.  We are ALWAYS trying to move back into coherence.  It’s a mathematical fact.  What changes?

For me, basically everything.

Centuries of Puritanism, industrialism, capitalism, racism, and colonialism have curated an intergenerational belief based on fear and power that somehow our behaviors are about character or something being right or wrong with us.

The way our body processes sugar is easily considered a simple manifestation of the brain and nervous system, but the way our body processes experiences and then is expressed through behavior is considered character.

What if all our behaviors are just a manifestation of our inner experience?  Our brain, mind, body, nervous system?

And what if human beings were always moving toward being their best selves?  And what if human being’s best selves were literally designed to be in connection?  Relational? Cooperative?  Individualistic and collective?  A truly integrated mind, brain, and body easily creates a we…a me and a you that comes together for something unique without relinquishing the me OR the you.  ALL are important!!!

I slept weird the night into the 4th. I’m not sure why…maybe getting a HUGE project finally done.  But I woke up Saturday morning after a somewhat sleepless night (very strange me for….I usually have no problems sleeping a solid seven or eight hours!) with an energy I haven’t felt in a long time- maybe ever.  An energy of commitment no longer participate in ANY way in a pathologizing system of mental health. An energy to be a strong voice leading our mental health system away from good, bad, right, wrong, with interventions that dehumanize and preference someone else’s ideas of how humans should be or act.

I’ve been committed to depathologizing mental health for years and years and years.  In my clinical work.  In my teaching and writing and blogging and speaking and writing.

I’m going to up my game.

If we could truly understand what is driving people’s behaviors, we could easily extend compassion while also having extremely clear boundaries.

We would stop shaming everyone.  EVERYONE.  Even people committing the biggest atrocities.  We would have BOUNDARIES (get those people out of power, put people in jail when needed) but we would also fiercely look at WHY those behaviors were happening.  We would stay curious and not shaming.  We would then create opportunities of healing and integration, instead of more shaming, pathologizing…which only increase the very behaviors we are trying to stop (mainly, behaviors that hurt other humans).

There’s too much to say and write about this and my thoughts aren’t organized quite enough yet.

Depathologizing people, humans, mental health is our only way out.  If we could truly understand the mind and behaviors- including behaviors that don’t inspire connection and community (violence, power, objectification, etc.) – and understand them through curiosity, compassion, and boundaries instead of shame, othering, and continued dehumanizing…we could maybe get out of this mess in a generation.  Or two.

And those are my grandkids.

I have to try.

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Trauma Behavior? Or just acting up? {EP 30}


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The Most Common Question!

“I need to figure out…is this bad behavior just normal kid acting up behavior?  Or is this behavior because of their trauma?!”

“Ah,” I say. “You’d like to distinguish between if this behavior is about this child’s trauma or not!”

“Yes.”

“Yeah!  I’m curious- what feels helpful about being able to distinguish?”

“Well…if it’s normal kid acting up, I’ll set a boundary and maybe a consequence.”

Keep reading of listen on the podcast!

“Oh!  I get it!  You’ll respond differently based on if the behavior is about trauma or just normal kid acting out- that’s why you want to know!  You want to know how to respond!”

“Well, yes!”

“AHH! OK!  Gosh, it seems like a lot of work to try to figure out if you child’s behavior is related to their trauma or not…is this something you think about a lot?”

“YES!  I know if it’s a trauma behavior I have to respond different! If it’s about trauma then I want to meet their need and help them.”

“Oh gosh, of course that’s what you want to do.  I can see clearly how much you adore your kid, want to respond in a way that helps and doesn’t hurt.”

“YES!”

An Easier Way

“I wonder if you might be open to considering an easier way to help distinguish how to respond to your child’s behaviors?  And take yourself off the hook for trying to figure out all the time ‘is this due to trauma or not?’”

“Definitely if it’s easier, for sure.  But I don’t understand…I thought we really needed to know if it was a trauma behavior or not?! How do I set a boundary if I don’t know?!?!”

“Yeah, that makes total sense that it feels really important to know…but actually…it really doesn’t!  What is MORE important to know is how regulated or dysregulated is your child.  How connected is he to his owl brain?  Is her watch dog brain taking over? Or her possum brain?”

“Uh…my kid does not have a zoo in their brain!”

“HA! Of course not!!  It’s just a playful way of looking at how dysregulated the brain is.  When we’re playful, it’s easier to learn, easier to stay regulated, easier to help our kid! There are four different stages of dysregulation in the watch dog and possum brain…and if we figure out what level of dysregulation your child is, we’ll know how to respond!”

Just Acting Bad

“What does dysregulation have to do with this bad behavior? He doesn’t SEEM dysregulated! Just acting bad.”

“Well…if regulated, connected kids who feel safe, and know what to do of course, behave well, the dysregulation has everything to do with behavior!  When our owl thinking brain is in charge, we behave in ways that invite connection.  So, even if a behavior doesn’t LOOK dysregulated, if it’s NOT inviting connection, then we need to get curious about what’s going on INSIDE.”

“But…what about my child’s trauma history?”

“YES!  We will definitely be keeping that in mind because kids with trauma history often have realllllly overactive watch dog or possum brains!!!”

“Possums are freaky…”

“Yes I know…once I woke up to one on my brand new laser jet printer and I screamed.  It was terrifying!”

“Uh…a possum? On your printer? Like…inside?”

“YES!  I’ll tell you that story later.  But really my point is, we can learn to take cues from our kids about how active their watch dog brain or their possum brain is…and when we know which stage they are in (calm, alert, alarm, fear, or terror) then we know what to do. And we ONLY teach when the owl brain is available and the watch dog and possum are calm. Also- even though we are talking about owls, and watch dogs and possums…this really is based completely on brain science.”

No Boundaries? Just Excuses?

“So…I just let me child do whatever they want because they are dysregulated and the watch dog is taking over?”

“Oh my, that sounds awful!  Nope, definitely not.  It’s our job to provide the structures, boundaries, scaffolding, and coregulation that your child needs to help them realllllly grow their owl brains.  Just like if she was a toddler.”

“Except she’s 10.”

“I know.  That’s super frustrating and exhausting for sure.”

“And you are saying that trying to determine level of dysregulation is easier than trying to determine if it’s a behavior about trauma or not?”

“Well it’s easier because it’s POSSIBLE.  We could never truly distinguish between a trauma behavior and a not trauma behavior.  That’s just not how the brain works.”

“Ok…I really want to hear about what happened with that possum on your printer, so I guess tell me more about this ‘zoo in the head’ way of knowing how to respond to behaviors.”

*************************

Man….writing this was way more fun than I expected.  What a cool job I have :)

Trying to figure out if it’s a trauma behavior or not is exhausting…and ultimately impossible.

We can look at the stage of dysregulation- and ultimately ask ourselves “Is this child’s behavior inviting me into connection with them?” NO? Well…then we have to get beneath the behavior and figure out if they are regulated, connected to me (and themselves), and if they feel safe.  Then we help THAT.  The behavior is just the tip of the ice burg.

Head to my podcast on how we need to Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (regardless of it’s a trauma-driven behavior or regular kid behavior!)

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.  

Just let me know where to send the links!

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I’m worried about the therapists…and the invisible front-line


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“I’m worried….” is not an uncommon statement to hear coming from my mouth.  In the past year or so, I’ve been trying to really notice how often I start sentences with “I’m worried…” It’s been eye-opening because I don’t consider myself a terrible anxious person (neurotic is another story…perhaps my neuroses works so well that I don’t even notice obvious signs of anxiety.  Who knows!!)

So when I say “I’m worried about the therapists….” I don’t say that lightly.

I’m worried about the therapists.

While I’m on clinical sabbatical, I’m working with a LOT of therapists in consultation- individually and in groups.  I’m a part of several therapist social media groups, including one I moderate.  I am continuing to teach a lot of therapists.  I’ve got a pretty good pulse on what’s going on behind closed doors for these invisible front-line workers.

And it’s not good.

Being a therapist is really really really really really really hard.  The in-the-room work is exhausting but also so amazingly rewarding…and when we’ve got a good balance going on, the rewards are so great that we can keep moving through the exhaustion.

Eight weeks ago therapists across the country (world, probably, though I have less awareness of what’s going on outside the US) were thrust into a way of doing therapy that most did not ask for- telehealth.  While tele-mental health isn’t new, it was new for the majority of therapists on March 15, 2020 when the country shut down (and some of our NYC area therapists have been locked down even longer).

Therapists took their caseloads and moved to a platform they knew nothing about, weren’t comfortable with, and had no interest in using.
Thank you.

All of the sudden, they were utterly and completely alone.

With a platform they didn’t know and didn’t like.

They showed up to do their jobs with their foundation crumbling.  When you haven’t ever done telehealth before, you have a HUGE adjustment to figure out how to create relational connection- the absolute FOUNDATION of doing our work and doing it well.

Now do this with 20 or 30 people in crisis.  All at the same time.

NOW do this with children.
Watch your client’s struggle while you sit helplessly on the other side of the screen.  Then the screen freezes.  The client can’t see or hear you for a moment.  There is a time lag.  Then the software crashes.  You both try to reconnect.

NOW do this while you are experiencing the exact same crisis that all your clients are experiencing.

I’m worried.

Dear therapists.  I see you.  I’m shaken down with gratitude that you just keep trying.  You keep using a platform you hate.  You miss your clients, your office.  You’ve been waiting for this to be over and just get back to your four walls.

And now you realize that there is no going back to what it used to be.

Therapists are brainstorming how on earth they will sanitize their toys.  Which toys should I get rid of?  Which toys are cheap enough that Ican make individual play therapy kits for all my clients?  What do I take out the waiting room?  What sanitizing practices between clients are sufficient?  How am I at risk?  How are my clients at risk?  Do we insist clients wear masks?

Dear therapists.  I see you.  I have no solution but I see you.  We will probably lose some of you and I get it.  This is so hard.
Our very very hard jobs have gotten very very much harder.

I see you.

I’m thinking about you all the time.  My husband has heard me say “I’m worried about the therapists…” a lot.  Like….many times every single day.  Especially at the end of the day.  I’m trying to figure out what to do.  I have no idea.

So this is my first step.  A little note.  I see you

Thank you for continuing to try. And when you just can’t try anymore, I understand.

Robyn

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Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, RPT-S  (when not in the middle of the coronavirus pandemic) is a blogger, teacher, trainer, and consultant for therapists and professionals working with children with a history of complex trauma.  
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