Felt Safety (Between) – Part 3 {EP 163}

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Cues of safety, danger, or life threat come from three places- inside, outside, and between.

In part 3 of this series on felt safety, we are exploring felt safety from between- from relationship!

In this episode, you’ll learn

  • How availability of connection is a cue of safety or danger
  • How neuroception can tell the state of the other person’s nervous system (connection or protection?)
  • Why nervous systems are contagious
  • How ‘between’ cues of safety eventually become ‘inside’ cues of safety
  • How you can increase your own experience of safety even when you are parenting children in stuck in chronic procession mode

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

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This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Felt Safety (Outside) – Part 2 {EP 162}


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What is Felt Safety

Felt safety is the subjective experience of safety that is determined from scanning for cues of safety or danger from the person’s internal world (inside), their environment (outside, and the relationship (between).

***Note: The language inside, outside, between is based on the work of psychotherapist and polyvagal expert, Deb Dana, LCSW***

Felt Safety Misconceptions

There are some common misconceptions about felt safety that may unintentionally leave parents feeling blamed and shamed. These misconceptions may also leave us minimizing someone else’s experience or pursuing the wrong interventions.

Felt safety is NOT

  • Only about relational safety
  • Only about physical safety
  • Always related to what’s happening in the environment
  • Always easy to identify (why the person is feeling safe- or not)

The Science of Felt Safety

I explore in depth the science of felt safety, including how we all are always creating our own reality, in a previous podcast episode titled Connection or Protection, which you can find HERE.

You can always pick up a copy of Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors to explore the science of felt safety in depth.

Cues of Safety from the Outside

In part 2 of this series on felt safety, we are going to explore the types of things that might be happening in a person’s internal world that could be impacting their experience of felt safety (or not).

  • The environment
    • Obviously, objectively unsafe environments are experienced as cues of danger
    • Environmental cues that are danger memory triggers
      • If I was in a car accident with a red car, I might experience red cars as ‘cues of danger’
  • The sensory world
    • The five external senses are sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste
    • Sometimes there are sensory experiences that are danger memory triggers
      • For example, in the red car example above, the red car is something you see
    • Sensory experiences can also be ‘unsafe’ if they are too much or too little based in the individual’s sensory threshold
  • Structure & Predictability
    • The brain is concerned with what’s going to happen next, almost above all else
    • Lack of structure or predictability could be considered a cue of danger
  • Environmental demands
    • Ironically, for some folks, too much structure could be interpreted as a demand and be a cue of danger

Varies in Every Individual

If you haven’t revisited the podcast Connection or Protection recently, or read Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors, it’s worth reviewing how we are all always creating our own reality based on what’s objectively happening in the here and now and everything that has happened in the past.

Since none of us have identical pasts, none of us have the same ‘cues of safety’ or ‘cues of danger.’

It is so easy to project our own experience of safety onto others! This is normal and very human.

The science of safety invites us to keep a curious stance when considering the felt safety of our kids (and other folks we are in relationship with, including ourselves).

What Do We Do With This Information?

I realize I haven’t given you any tools in this podcast series. If you’ve read Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors you know that I consider understanding the neurobiological processes to be a tool. This information makes it possible for us to reinterpret our children’s behaviors, and changing how we see people changes people.

Understanding the neurobiology also invites our own owl brains to stick around a bit longer, which then helps us brainstorm tools that might be appropriate for our unique child.

I also think that understanding the neurobiology relieves parents of the burden of somehow attempting to control our children’s sense of safety, while also empowering us to see all the ways we can influence our children’s sense of safety.

Actually, I have a podcast episode all about influence as opposed to control! You can find it by CLICKING HERE.

Next Week!

Next week, I will air part 2 of this three part series on felt safety, and we will take a deep dive into how the environment offers cues of safety or danger.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Felt Safety (Inside) – Part 1 {EP 161}


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Let’s go back to basics! Last week we talked about seeing behavior through the lens of the nervous system and then took a deep-dive into co-regulation.

This week begins a three-part deep-dive into the foundational concept of felt safety.

What is felt safety, what isn’t felt safety, and why it matters!

Next we will explore the many different ways we are all neuroceiving safety (or not) from our inner world.

In this episode, you’ll learn

  • Misconceptions about felt safety
  • Internal cues of felt safety, such as hunger, illness, or being in chronic protection mode
  • What we do with this information

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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My Child Won’t Talk About Their Watchdog And Possum Brain {EP 160}


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Does your child yell, scream, or otherwise refuse to talk about their owl, watchdog, or possum brain?

Do they tell you it’s stupid or yell at you to stop talking or get extra silly or just don’t talk at all?

I hear this from a LOT of parents (and I experienced it a lot in the play therapy room).

This isn’t because you are doing it work.

Or because your child is controlling or delights in arguing and being uncooperative.

It also doesn’t mean that the metaphor doesn’t work for your child. Promise.

Listen on the Podcast!

Why?

There’s really just one main reason.

People refuse to do things because they don’t like how it feels. Not only does it feel bad, it feels TOO bad.

Why does talking about the Owl, Watchdog, and Possum Brain Feel Bad?

Self-reflection is an owl brain skill. It’s possible that your child simply doesn’t have that skill yet. Being asked to do something that’s impossible feels bad. 

Frustration tolerance is an owl brain skill. Is your child’s owl brain strong enough to tolerate doing something hard?

Thinking has Feelings and Sensations

The way our minds, memory, and neural networks work, asking kids to think about or talk about their watchdog or possum brain is going to bring watchdog and possum feelings and sensations into their body.

For many kids, it’s simply too much. They cannot tolerate those feelings and the associated shame.

Too Disconnected from Self

The owl brain, which is needed to be self-reflective and to think about or talk about their owl, watchdog, and possum brain, is synonymous with being connected to ourselves. Most of the kids I work with have developed very sophisticated protective responses to avoid being connected to themselves; it simply feels too bad.

Are you Trying to Change Me??

No one likes to feel like someone is trying to change them! And our kids have an extra fine-tuned spidey-sense that you wish they were different.

This is a tough one because we ARE trying to change them. 

The energetic space of “I accept you completely as you are and am also inviting the potential for change” is a tricky space to embody and requires a lot of practice.

Us grown-ups really have to be clear that it’s less about wanting them to change about more about wanting them to feel better.

Scaffold Self Reflection

I don’t have an agenda that your kids talk about their owl, watchdog, and possum brain. However, having a mind that is integrated enough for self-reflection is going to also improve your child’s regulation and decrease their sensitized stress response system.

You might need to try a different metaphor, which isn’t too hard if you have a basic understanding of the nervous system. 

Beyond that, there are steps you can take to help scaffold your child’s development of self-reflection.

  1. Talk about your owl, watchdog, and possum brain
  2. Talk about other people’s owl, watchdog, and possum brain
  3. Talk about fictional characters in books and other media
  4. Resist the urge to turn conversations into an invitation for them to talk about THEIR owl, watchdog, or possum brain- or even to participate in any way. 

Have these conversations casually, quickly, without judgment (even good judgment) or elaboration.

For more concrete tips and strategies, listen to the podcast or read the transcript below. 

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Titrating Connection- Oppositional Series Part 4 {EP 159}


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In this series on opposition we’ve talked about how opposition comes from the protection side of the nervous system, so the antidote is to invite the child into safety and connection.

But what about when connection hasn’t been safe? And it’s not regulating or soothing?

Titrating Connection 

Think of connection as a demand, and then lower the demand.

For our kids, receiving connection might be a demand (stress). Or giving connection might be a demand (stress). If we want to increase their capacity for stress tolerance when it comes to connection, we have to lower the stress first, then strengthen the stress response system second. 

Ways to Decrease Connection without Disengaging

Adjust your physical connection:

  • Side-by-side instead of across from each other
  • Increase the distance in your physical proximity
  • Decrease physical touch
  • Decrease eye contact

Have a goal besides just connecting:

  • Work on a project together that has a specific goal or outcome
  • Run an errand together with a specific goal or outcome
  • Choose activities that have a beginning, middle, and end

Support the Window of Tolerance with Sensory Supports

  • Play with lycra
  • Engage in gross motor activities together
  • Temporary tattoos
  • Play with water beads
  • Do hair, make-up, lotion, nails
  • Do crafts or cooking together- something with a sensory component that is pleasant

Pair Connection with Play and Delight

In typical baby and child development, experiences of connection feel good. With older child, it’s OK to deliberately ‘sweeten the deal’ of connection by adding in experiences that a fun, delightful, and playful. Think of it a bit like ‘sweetening the deal.’ Pair your offerings of connection with something you KNOW they really like.

Radical Acceptance

This is a hard and lonely road. You may be at a place in your relationship with your child that the most important thing for you to focus on is radical acceptance. This can help you shift your thoughts and expectations for the relationship with becoming bitter and resentment. Look for ways to stay compassionate to the truth that your child is missing out on the best part of being human- connection. With older children, you may have to grieve that your connection and relationship with them wasn’t what you’d hoped for. Grieving may set you free from expectations and disappointment.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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When Connection Isn’t Safe- Oppositional Series Part 3 {EP 158}


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The nervous system plays a critical role in determining a child’s behavior. A child’s nervous system acts as a signal of safety or danger, with early discomfort distorting their perception of connection. It’s essential for parents to stay regulated, connected to their child’s behavior, and respond accordingly. However, regulation doesn’t always equate to calmness. Instead, it’s about being attuned and responsive to your child’s needs.

Being Honest And Authentic

Challenging times call for effective parenting strategies. This episode shares effective strategies for maintaining connection with children, even in the face of baffling behaviors. It’s important to be honest and authentic with our own feelings, as this can offer a cue of safety to ourselves and our children. Furthermore, it highlights the power of internalizing connections and co-regulation we get from others.

Authenticity Fosters Felt Safety

Authenticity in parenting is key to fostering safety and connection. Being candid about our struggles can serve as a cue of safety we need to offer ourselves and our children. Authenticity allows parents to acknowledge their own experiences of anger, grief, and loss when their offers of connection to their children are not reciprocated.

Balancing Connection

A harmonious parent-child relationship begins with understanding the science behind defiant behaviors, staying regulated, and maintaining an authentic connection with children. It’s about learning to balance connection and recognizing our own experiences of struggle. By doing so, parents can foster a sense of safety and connection in their children, even amid oppositional and defiant behaviors.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Oppositional And Defiant Behavior- Part 2 {EP 157}


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Parenting a child exhibiting oppositional behavior can feel like a constant power struggle. However, understanding the root cause of this behavior can help you shift from conflict to connection. In this episode, we dive deep into the complexities of oppositional behavior in children, aiming to shed light on the ‘why’ behind the behavior and provide practical strategies to guide parents and caregivers through these challenging dynamics.

Understanding The Behavior

Oppositional behavior in children often stems from a child’s protection mode, a state of mind that develops in response to perceived threats or dangers. The key to addressing this behavior is not to suppress it but to understand its origins and then work on shifting the child’s state from protection mode to connection mode. This shift requires patience, understanding, and a significant amount of self-compassion.

Connection Doesn’t Always Equal Safety

It’s crucial to note that parenting a child with attachment trauma adds an additional layer of complexity to connecting with them. Children with attachment trauma may not equate connection with safety or co-regulation, unlike kids without such a history. This adds a unique challenge to the task of inviting these children from protection mode into connection mode.

Safety And Connection Rather Than Power

An essential aspect of creating a safe environment for children is to address the power dynamics in the parent-child relationship. Adults need to cultivate an environment of safety and connection rather than relying on power over dynamics. This approach invites the child into cooperation and promotes an atmosphere of trust and respect.

Inner, Outer, And Between

A significant concept introduced in the episode is the idea of ‘felt safety.’ Based on decades of psychological and child development research, felt safety comes from three places – inside (the child’s inner world), outside (their environment), and between (the relationship).’

X-ray Vision To See The Cause

In addition to these strategies, we explore the power of X-ray vision in parenting. This concept encourages parents to look beneath their child’s behavior, to see the underlying issues and reasons for their actions. It involves a level of understanding and compassion that can profoundly impact the parent-child relationship, even when the parent feels stuck in protection mode.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Oppositional And Defiant Behavior- Part 1 {EP 156}


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Oppositional behavior is often viewed as a sign of defiance. However, the cause of these behaviors is a direct response to feeling unsafe. This allows us to approach oppositional behavior with compassion and reassurance rather than frustration and bewilderment.

The Past Shapes Our Perception Of The Present

Delving deeper into the complexities of the human nervous system, we shed light on how our past experiences, environment, and inner world shape our current perceptions and interpretations of situations. These elements play a significant role in determining our responses to stress and our general outlook on life.

Sometimes Connection Feels Unsafe

We also explored how connection, often viewed as supportive, can sometimes ignite triggers in children exhibiting oppositional behavior. This insight forces us to reassess our approach to dealing with such behaviors and encourages a more empathetic and understanding perspective.

Understanding The Diagnoses And Not Giving Up

In terms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, we examined the diagnostic complexities surrounding it. We emphasized the importance of reframing our understanding of the disorder, viewing it not as a defiance issue but as a response to feeling unsafe. The diagnosis is not the end of your journey, but the beginning. Continue to ask questions to further your knowledge and develop strategies.

Alter Behaviors By Increasing Safety

Ultimately, our exploration of oppositional behavior and the nervous system provides a fresh perspective on understanding and navigating this behavioral terrain. By increasing cues of safety, providing regulation supports, and enhancing connection and co-regulation, we can create an environment conducive to helping children with oppositional behaviors feel safer and more secure.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Match The Energy, NOT the Dysregulation {EP 155}


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In this latest podcast episode, we unpack an advanced parenting technique that promises to revolutionize your connection with your children. The technique, ‘Match the Energy, but not the Dysregulation,’ is rooted in insights from polyvagal theory and interpersonal neurobiology.

Be patient

This nuanced approach requires resilience and patience, but when applied consistently, it can offer an emotional mirror for your children and pave the way for improved connection. The process involves understanding the science of the autonomic nervous system, exploring the attachment cycle, and shedding light on the concept of resonance circuitry.

Matching The Energy

The technique is about matching your child’s energy without matching their dysregulation. It’s about responding to their emotional state with an equivalent level of energy, but without falling into the same state of dysregulation. This approach is crucial in the attachment cycle as it fosters a new way of connecting with your children, which can be a game-changer in your parenting journey.

Fight-Flight Vrs. Playful and Energetic

One of the key aspects of this technique involves understanding the autonomic nervous system. The autonomic nervous system, which regulates the body’s unconscious actions, has an accelerator and a brake. The individual’s perceived experience of being safe or not safe determines the difference between fight-flight and a playful energetic accelerator in the nervous system while feeling safe.

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Being Safe and Self-Regulated Is Important

However, the implementation of this technique can be challenging. When we match our children’s energy, we risk getting pulled into their dysregulation. We need to remember to stay safe and regulated ourselves. It is crucial to match the energy before moving into soothing, reinforcing its role in the attachment cycle.

It’s Not Just About Behavior

Remember, the goal of this advanced parenting technique is not to change behavior, but to increase regulation, connection, and felt safety. This approach, while seemingly counterintuitive, is a much more efficient pathway to shifting out of dysregulation and into a state of connection and safety.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Marshall Lyles & Robyn Gobbel Talk About Writing Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors {EP 153}


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In this episode of the Baffling Behavior Show, Marshall Lyles asks questions and guides us through some of Robyn’s writing processes surrounding the book. What was the inspiration for partaking in the difficult journey of writing a book and what is the origin story behind the characters that readers will get to know and love as the journey through Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors?

Keep Reading or Listen on the Podcast:

Some of the topics discussed in this episode:

  • What was it like creating and writing the book?
  • How hard was it to overcome the stress and expectations of working with parents?
  • How did Robyn meet the Owl, Watchdog, and Possum discussed throughout the book?
  • What might be the best way for a new reader to start their journey through the book?

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors released September 21. CLICK HERE to order now!

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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