Oppositional And Defiant Behavior- Part 2 {EP 157}


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Parenting a child exhibiting oppositional behavior can feel like a constant power struggle. However, understanding the root cause of this behavior can help you shift from conflict to connection. In this episode, we dive deep into the complexities of oppositional behavior in children, aiming to shed light on the ‘why’ behind the behavior and provide practical strategies to guide parents and caregivers through these challenging dynamics.

Understanding The Behavior

Oppositional behavior in children often stems from a child’s protection mode, a state of mind that develops in response to perceived threats or dangers. The key to addressing this behavior is not to suppress it but to understand its origins and then work on shifting the child’s state from protection mode to connection mode. This shift requires patience, understanding, and a significant amount of self-compassion.

Connection Doesn’t Always Equal Safety

It’s crucial to note that parenting a child with attachment trauma adds an additional layer of complexity to connecting with them. Children with attachment trauma may not equate connection with safety or co-regulation, unlike kids without such a history. This adds a unique challenge to the task of inviting these children from protection mode into connection mode.

Safety And Connection Rather Than Power

An essential aspect of creating a safe environment for children is to address the power dynamics in the parent-child relationship. Adults need to cultivate an environment of safety and connection rather than relying on power over dynamics. This approach invites the child into cooperation and promotes an atmosphere of trust and respect.

Inner, Outer, And Between

A significant concept introduced in the episode is the idea of ‘felt safety.’ Based on decades of psychological and child development research, felt safety comes from three places – inside (the child’s inner world), outside (their environment), and between (the relationship).’

X-ray Vision To See The Cause

In addition to these strategies, we explore the power of X-ray vision in parenting. This concept encourages parents to look beneath their child’s behavior, to see the underlying issues and reasons for their actions. It involves a level of understanding and compassion that can profoundly impact the parent-child relationship, even when the parent feels stuck in protection mode.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Oppositional And Defiant Behavior- Part 1 {EP 156}


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Oppositional behavior is often viewed as a sign of defiance. However, the cause of these behaviors is a direct response to feeling unsafe. This allows us to approach oppositional behavior with compassion and reassurance rather than frustration and bewilderment.

The Past Shapes Our Perception Of The Present

Delving deeper into the complexities of the human nervous system, we shed light on how our past experiences, environment, and inner world shape our current perceptions and interpretations of situations. These elements play a significant role in determining our responses to stress and our general outlook on life.

Sometimes Connection Feels Unsafe

We also explored how connection, often viewed as supportive, can sometimes ignite triggers in children exhibiting oppositional behavior. This insight forces us to reassess our approach to dealing with such behaviors and encourages a more empathetic and understanding perspective.

Understanding The Diagnoses And Not Giving Up

In terms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, we examined the diagnostic complexities surrounding it. We emphasized the importance of reframing our understanding of the disorder, viewing it not as a defiance issue but as a response to feeling unsafe. The diagnosis is not the end of your journey, but the beginning. Continue to ask questions to further your knowledge and develop strategies.

Alter Behaviors By Increasing Safety

Ultimately, our exploration of oppositional behavior and the nervous system provides a fresh perspective on understanding and navigating this behavioral terrain. By increasing cues of safety, providing regulation supports, and enhancing connection and co-regulation, we can create an environment conducive to helping children with oppositional behaviors feel safer and more secure.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Match The Energy, NOT the Dysregulation {EP 155}


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In this latest podcast episode, we unpack an advanced parenting technique that promises to revolutionize your connection with your children. The technique, ‘Match the Energy, but not the Dysregulation,’ is rooted in insights from polyvagal theory and interpersonal neurobiology.

Be patient

This nuanced approach requires resilience and patience, but when applied consistently, it can offer an emotional mirror for your children and pave the way for improved connection. The process involves understanding the science of the autonomic nervous system, exploring the attachment cycle, and shedding light on the concept of resonance circuitry.

Matching The Energy

The technique is about matching your child’s energy without matching their dysregulation. It’s about responding to their emotional state with an equivalent level of energy, but without falling into the same state of dysregulation. This approach is crucial in the attachment cycle as it fosters a new way of connecting with your children, which can be a game-changer in your parenting journey.

Fight-Flight Vrs. Playful and Energetic

One of the key aspects of this technique involves understanding the autonomic nervous system. The autonomic nervous system, which regulates the body’s unconscious actions, has an accelerator and a brake. The individual’s perceived experience of being safe or not safe determines the difference between fight-flight and a playful energetic accelerator in the nervous system while feeling safe.

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Being Safe and Self-Regulated Is Important

However, the implementation of this technique can be challenging. When we match our children’s energy, we risk getting pulled into their dysregulation. We need to remember to stay safe and regulated ourselves. It is crucial to match the energy before moving into soothing, reinforcing its role in the attachment cycle.

It’s Not Just About Behavior

Remember, the goal of this advanced parenting technique is not to change behavior, but to increase regulation, connection, and felt safety. This approach, while seemingly counterintuitive, is a much more efficient pathway to shifting out of dysregulation and into a state of connection and safety.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Marshall Lyles & Robyn Gobbel Talk About Writing Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors {EP 153}


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In this episode of the Baffling Behavior Show, Marshall Lyles asks questions and guides us through some of Robyn’s writing processes surrounding the book. What was the inspiration for partaking in the difficult journey of writing a book and what is the origin story behind the characters that readers will get to know and love as the journey through Raising Kids With Big Baffling Behaviors?

Keep Reading or Listen on the Podcast:

Some of the topics discussed in this episode:

  • What was it like creating and writing the book?
  • How hard was it to overcome the stress and expectations of working with parents?
  • How did Robyn meet the Owl, Watchdog, and Possum discussed throughout the book?
  • What might be the best way for a new reader to start their journey through the book?

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors released September 21. CLICK HERE to order now!

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Loving Your OWN Watchdog & Possum Brain {EP 151}


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Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors finally hits the bookshelves and your mailbox this week.

We’ve spent the last month talking about owls, watchdogs, and possums.

Today, as I move toward wrapping up this writing-and-publishing-a-book chapter in my life, let’s talk a little more about the neuroscience of owls, watchdogs, and possums, why the science matters, and how my work has surprisingly become more about helping the grown-ups love their own owl, watchdog, and possum brains.

Interpersonal Neurobiology

A core tenet of IPNB is that the human brain, mind, and relationships are all complex systems. Complex systems have a natural co-organizing capacity and are always moving toward integration. Integration, the linkage of differentiated parts, is a fundamental characteristic of mental wellness. 

Characteristics of an Integrated Middle Prefrontal Cortex

Dr. Siegel’s research on IPNB indicates that the characteristics of integration, including things like response flexibility, attuned communication, body regulation, empathy, and fear modulation, are also characteristics of secure attachment. 

Most of the parents I know with kids with baffling behaviors would agree that they’d love to increase their child’s characteristics of integration and secure attachment. Would your child’s behaviors be so baffling if your child had characteristics of regulation, attunement, and response flexibility? 

Integration and Our Observing Selves

The experiences of secure attachment contribute to the development of what researchers would call ‘the observing self.’ The part of ourselves that can observe and reflect upon ourselves- without judgment.

Our observing self both emerges from integration and prompts integration.

This observing self is one important characteristic of the owl brain. 

Polyvagal Theory and the Autonomic Nervous System

The ventral vagal complex in the parasympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system invites social connectedness. When we are feeling safe, our default mode is to move toward (and be available for) connection. Being in a ventral vagal state invites and reciprocates connection with others and ourselves. This social connectedness then strengthens our ventral vagal nerve.

The ventral vagus = owl brain.

Strong Owl Brains

To nurture our children’s hatching owl brains (their observing self and their ventral vagal brake) we need adults to have strong owl brains.

Strong owl brains allow the grown-ups to see children’s behavior for what it really is- a reflection of the state of their nervous system. 

At first, the only strategy is for the adult to stay in their owl brain, offering connection, co-regulation, and felt safety.

Slowly this presence begins to strengthen and organize the child’s owl brain (strengthens the ventral vagus, the observing self, and the stress response system).

Young, emerging owl brains LOVE metaphor and play. Playfully integrating the metaphor of owls, watchdogs, and possums into our children’s lives strengthens their owl brain.

Eventually, kids grow owl brains strong enough to be observing, non-judgmental, and compassionate- toward themselves!

Adults, too

Here’s the unexpected part. This whole experience of using our owl brains to help strengthen our child’s owl brain strengthens our owl brains, too. 

This will increase your capacity to stay connected to yourself in the face of your child’s dysregulation. Your way of being- not something you actually do- is what invites of moment of presence and integration within your child’s dysregulated nervous system.

You love your child’s watchdog and possum parts by loving your own.

Holding You in My Owl’s Wings

Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors uses metaphor, story, and science to strengthen your owl brain (ventral vagal complex) and increase your window of stress tolerance. It is my hope that in reading this book, you will feel held by my owl brain.

Thankfully, I have owl wings wrapped around my watchdog and possum brain, too. You can read about those folks in my acknowledgments. 

I have so many owls who have knit themselves into my neurobiology and strengthened my own owl self so that I can offer compassionate gratitude and nonjudgmental presence to you and your child.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain Body Sensory Strategies that Really Work

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Why You Can Know What to Do and Still Not Do It?! {EP 150}


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You’ve probably wondered how you can know the neuroscience of behavior and have a toolbox full of tools…and still struggle to actually USE those tools.

Most parents have the thought, “If I know what to do, why aren’t I actually doing it???”

It’s not because you’re a bad parent.

It’s because you’re dysregulated, have a sensitized stress response system, and probably have some implicit memories that leave you vulnerable to being triggered.

Strengthening YOUR Owl Brain

The four most powerful and most accessible ways to strengthen your owl brain so your watchdog and possum brain take charge less often are:

  • Connection 
  • Play
  • Noticing the Good
  • Self Compassion

Choose the Easiest (Or Least Hard)

I know I know. None of those things sound like something you want to do when your nervous system is totally fried.

They sound exhausting. I get it.

Pick the one that is the least hard, and start there.

Remind yourself that sometimes hard things (like exercise or eating spinach) are worth it, even if you don’t want to do them.

Implicit Memory

One of my very favorite topics is memory science.

Weird, I know.

But- memory is everything. And it’s why you’re watchdog and possum brain are working over time.

Exploring unintegrated traumatic memory as well as implicit memory is important if you want to strengthen your owl brain.

I have two previous podcast episodes about memory, plus a free video series and an eBook about memory.

AND Chapter 10 of Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors helps you explore the impact of memory on your own nervous system.

If you want to dive even deeper into these concepts, consider joining us over in The Club. We have a video called ‘Trigger Hunting’ that helps you identify the memory triggers that might be contributing to your dysregulation. 

Neuroscience + Tools + Connection to Self

Supporting your child with baffling behaviors means understanding the neuroscience of behavior, and having a toolbox full of tools that address the real problem (regulation, connection, and felt safety), while also connecting to yourself and staying regulated in the face of chaos.

Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors invites you to explore and connect the dots with all three. There is still time to pre-order by CLICKING HERE. 

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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“Fix” Behaviors by Calming the Watchdog & Possum Brain {EP 149}


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Understanding our children’s behavior can sometimes be a daunting task, especially when it appears to be random and unpredictable. The good news is that the seemingly random outbursts are not as arbitrary as they might seem. These are an intricate dance of neurobiology, a reflection of your child’s inner world, which can be deciphered through a deeper understanding of neuroscience.

The Three Categories of Baffling Behaviors

In this episode we delve into the neuroscience behind child behavior, aiming to unmask the mysteries that often perplex parents. We focus on three categories that often encapsulate baffling behaviors: lack of regulation, lack of connection, and lack of health safety.

Understanding the Neurobiology

Neuroscience provides us with a profound understanding of what drives these behaviors. It equips us with strategies that work with our child’s brain, not against it. We explore how an understanding of the neurobiology of behavior can bring coherence and eventual change. This knowledge is instrumental in managing challenging behaviors and enhancing the child-parent relationship

Stopping The Behavior While Understanding The Cause

As parents, it is natural for us to want these baffling behaviors to cease. However, it’s equally important to understand what’s causing it. We need to strike a delicate balance between the desire to stop the behavior and the need to understand its root cause. Often, our kids’ baffling behaviors do not pose an immediate physical danger but still evoke a response in us that leaves us feeling like we’re in immediate physical danger.

Different Levels of Activation

Understanding the different levels of activation on the Watchdog and Possum pathways can help us respond appropriately to avoid triggering a larger response. Being aware of these pathways allows us to create safety and invite the Owl brain back. The strategies discussed in the podcast episode, coupled with patience and understanding, can help navigate the tricky landscape of baffling child behavior.

Applying The Knowledge

Understanding the neurobiology of child behavior is a journey of discovery. By applying the knowledge gained from understanding the neuroscience, we can better understand our children, respond more effectively to their behaviors and cultivate a more harmonious and understanding family environment.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors released September 21. CLICK HERE to choose from a variety of pre-order bonuses, including a signed copy or 20% off.

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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“Fix” Behaviors by Growing the Owl Brain {EP 148}


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When our kids have a behavior that needs to change, we usually focus all our attention on responding (or reacting!) to that behavior.

Actually, it is much more effective to focus on how to increase our children’s regulation, connection, and felt safety. This will ultimately result in fewer (or less severe) behaviors to respond to.

Strategies that Really Work

When the subtitle for my book was first suggested, I bristled. I did not want to be one person parenting ‘expert’ who was saying “Just do what I say and your kids’ behaviors will change.” 

I have no idea if you’ll be able to change your kids’ behaviors, so I felt like I couldn’t say “these strategies really work!!”

But, as time has gone on, the subtitle has grown on me.

If parents combine my three core tenets (understand the neurobiology, having a tool box full of tools that address the real problem, and focus on their own regulation) the brain-body-sensory strategies in the book really just might work!

The magic is in bringing all three pillars together. That’s how we get outta the constant game of behavior whack-a-mole.

Increase the Window of Stress Tolerance

Growing the Owl Brain will grow your child’s window of stress tolerance. That means they’ll be reacting to stressors less often and less intensely.

How to Strengthen the Owl Brain

I try to keep things simple and straightforward for y’all. We strengthen the owl brain by offering co-regulation, connection, and felt safety.

When we understand the neurobiology of behavior, we can easily come up with strategies to do all of those things. 

Felt safety comes from inside, outside, and between. So, we can increase felt safety with things like structure, predictability, and keeping blood sugar stable.

Co-regulation-based parenting is only possible when we have proximity to our children, so one strategy is to decrease the distance. 

Scaffolding is another strategy of co-regulation, which we previously discuss on THIS PODCAST episode.

We can also lean into body-based strategies, like bubble gum, summersaults, rocking, or squeezing as ways to help bring more regulation in your child’s body. 

Strategies that Really Work

The strategies I offer you in Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors have the potential to really work because they aren’t focused on the behavior, they are focused on the problem that is DRIVING the behavior- lack of regulation, or connection, or felt safety.

Responding to Behavior

Next week, we’ll talk about strategies that calm the watchdog and possum brains. Those are the strategies you can experiment with when responding to children’s challenging behavior in the moment.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors released September 21. CLICK HERE to choose from a variety of pre-order bonuses, including a signed copy or 20% off.

Scaffolding Is A Form Of Co-regulation {EP 82}

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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What Behavior Really Is {EP 147}


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Behavior isn’t what most of us think.

So then- what is it?

What Behavior Really Is

Behavior is simply what we see on the outside that gives us some information about what’s happening on the inside.

Behavior is observable. It gives us a cue or a clue to start exploring the thoughts, feelings, sensations, behavioral impulses, felt safety, regulation, level of connection to self and others, and memory networks that are driving that behavior. 

I know that might sound complicated but it doesn’t have to be.

Keep Reading or Listen on the Podcast

Behavior Tells a Story

Observable behavior tells the story of the autonomic nervous system. 

It’s a little like a choose-your-own-adventure book. (I loved those as a kid. It turned one book into several!)

When making the choice, the brain is asking “Am I safe? In danger I might be able to get out of? Or in life threatening danger?”

If the answer is safe, the autonomic nervous system chooses what I call the owl pathway.

If the answer is dangerous, but I could probably get out of it if I tried, then the autonomic nervous system chooses what I call the watchdog pathway.

And if the answer is probably life threatening, then the autonomic nervous system chooses what I call the possum pathway.

Pathway = Behavior

Behavior is an expression of the pathway that’s chosen. When the owl pathway engages, we see owl pathway behaviors. Those behaviors tend to invite or welcome connection. Behaviors like cooperation, flexibility, impulse control, and empathy.

When the watchdog pathway engages, we see watchdog pathway behaviors. Opposition, defiance, aggression, anxiety, control, or fleeing.

When the possum pathway engages, we see possum pathways behaviors. La-la land, checking out, avoidance, not getting out of bed, dissociation. 

Understanding Behavior IS an Intervention

One of my missions is to make the neuroscience of behavior more accessible. I feel so strongly that mental health professionals should not be hoarding this information. This is why I’ve written my book, have The Club, and teach professionals (NOT just therapists) in Being With.

I know that it doesn’t always feel this way, and you want practical tools more than science, but I really truly promise.

Understanding the science is an intervention.

Changing how we see people changes people (including us).

Shifting beliefs about behavior is hard because we’ve been taught that bad behavior = bad person since we were babies. We have a lot of practice believing that!

That’s why I keep talking about. Over and over and over. So we can build new, strong neural pathways with our beliefs about behavior. The more repetition there is, the stronger the neural pathway.

A Different Kind of Book

I wanted to write a book that didn’t just give you parenting advice. There’s lots of books like that. I wanted to write a book that would change you.

Not because there is something wrong with you. There’s not.

But because I know you tune into this podcast because you feel bad a lot. You live with a dysregulated person, and you don’t know what to do. Or you help dysregulated people and get dysregulated yourself and don’t know what to do.

I set out to write a book that actually changes your neurobiology.

And how does neurobiology change? In safety, connection, and with co-regulation.

Co-Regulation? In a Book?

I wondered- could I offer those things in a meaningful way – like I did in therapy- in a book? So that millions of people could experience it for only what- 20 bucks? And 16 if you preorder through my publisher!

I can’t wait to hear from all of you if it does. It’ll take a while for us to really know. But the folks who read an advanced copy said it was like me being in their living room, drinking coffee, offering coregulation.

Doesn’t that sound wonderful?

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors released September 21. CLICK HERE to choose from a variety of pre-order bonuses, including a signed copy or 20% off. 

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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Parenting When Your Partner Is Not On Board {EP 146}


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As parents, we all want what’s best for our children. But when our parenting styles differ from our partner’s, it can create tension and confusion. This challenge is the focus of our latest podcast episode, “Parenting When Your Partner Is Not Onboard”

Categories of resistance

In this episode, we delve into the reasons behind resistance to paradigm shifts in parenting. We explore two categories of resistance that typically arise. The first is those who do not believe in the theory behind behavior. The second is those who get too dysregulated when dealing with certain behaviors. Understanding these resistance categories can help parents approach their differences with empathy and openness.

De-shaming behavior

To facilitate understanding, we discuss the Owl, Watchdog, and Possum metaphor, a tool that can help parents comprehend their own and their partner’s reactions to different behaviors. The metaphor serves as a non-threatening way to de-shame behavior and understand the role of the brain in parenting. This understanding can then pave the way for more effective communication and problem-solving.

A plan during dysregulation

Creating a support plan is a critical part of navigating parenting differences. This involves understanding when your partner’s “owl brain” has flown away, meaning they have become dysregulated, and stepping in to offer support. The use of code words or gestures can help signal this need for support, creating a safer and more nurturing environment for both parents and children.

Rupture and repair

Repair is another essential element in maintaining a healthy family dynamic. If one partner becomes dysregulated and reacts in a way that is not constructive, it’s important for them to make a repair with the child. This not only models responsibility and empathy for the child but also strengthens the bond between parent and child.

Different Parenting Philosophies

It’s crucial to remember that having different parenting philosophies does not mean your partnership can’t be successful or that you can’t create a nurturing environment for your children. It simply means that you may need to approach communication and problem-solving a bit differently.

Being curious and open to learn

We also highlight the importance of staying curious about your partner’s perspective and approach. Being open to learning from each other can create a more harmonious and effective parenting partnership. If your partner is unwilling to learn or engage in this process, it may indicate a deeper underlying issue within the relationship that needs addressing.

Understand, communicate, and support

In conclusion, navigating parenting differences can be challenging, but it is not insurmountable. With understanding, communication, and mutual support, parents can create a harmonious and nurturing environment for their children. Tune into our podcast for more insights and strategies to help you navigate these challenges and build a stronger relationship with your parenting partner.

Resources Mentioned on the Podcast

Free resources: robyngobbel.com/freeresources

Book pre-order/order: robyngobbel.com/book

Listen on the Podcast

This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on The Baffling Behavior Show podcast.

Find The Baffling Behavior Show podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.

Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’

Robyn

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