This episode is part 2 in a series about Boundaries with Connection. Part 1 helped us look at what it really means to have rules and then to uphold or enforce your boundaries- landing solidly on the unfortunate reality the boundaries have absolutely nothing to do with controlling or changing someone else’s behavior.
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Boundaries as Safety and Containment
In Part 2, we are exploring boundaries not as something we do, but something that our kids have and can rest into, like the proverbial fence or container that creates structure and safety and organization.
We instinctively provide this for toddlers by keeping them in line of sight, especially if we are in an environment that hasn’t been toddler proofed. We put up baby gates, cover door knobs, insert outlet covers. We don’t drop toddlers off at the park and tell them we’ll be back.
This isn’t because we don’t trust them.
It’s not a consequence.
It’s what they need developmentally in order to be safe.
Boundaries not only keep our children physically safe, they also support emotional safety.
Safety from a nervous system perspective means the part of the nervous system that supports repair and growth can be in charge. Toddlers develop the skills and the regulation for the toddler proofing to slowly decrease as their brain develops- which happens most effectively with felt safety, connection, and co-regulation.
Ultimately the exact same thing is true for our bigger kids. Maybe we even need to keep them in line of sight in situations that we haven’t completely kid or teen-proofed for them.
All kids, really all people, need boundaries (containment and structure) that offers the safety they need to not only be safe in that moment but also to have the safety that encourages continued development.
And sometimes this way of parenting with connection, coregulation, and felt-safety can feel synonymous with having pretty loose boundaries. But actually, in practice, this way of parenting means we often have more boundaries, especially when compared to other families who have kids with a similar chronological age to our kids.
What does my child need for their success to be inevitable?
It’s very possible they need to be much physically closer to you- or another regulated adult.
Perhaps they can’t ride the bus to school.
Perhaps they can’t walk or ride their bike to or from school.
Perhaps they can’t get dropped off at the mall or a birthday party.
Perhaps they need continued co-regulation during the morning routine, meaning you have to be completely ready to go when they wake up.
Perhaps they need an aid to walk through class to class. To greet them when they are dropped off at school. Then walk them to the car pick up line when school is over.
In the 11th grade.
We’ve talked about how self regulation is really just internalized co-regulation.
Your child might need really tight boundaries and a small circle in order to get the experiences of coregulation they need.
When kids are regulated, connected, and feeling safe, their owl brain has the opportunity to be in charge and they are most likely to behave in ways that are safe and support connection and relationships.
Sometimes we realize kids need higher boundaries after they’ve been unsuccessful.
It’s tricky to have to tighten up boundaries after a situation didn’t go well, because it will almost certainly seem like a punishment. And feeling like a tightened up boundary is a punishment will almost always ignite either anger or shame. Watchdog or possum.
I know this is really hard, but your child gets to have whatever reaction they want.
When our children express righteous grief or anger or dysregulation about boundaries (that aren’t delivered as punishments) our job is to do what we always do:
Coregulation. Connection. Safety. Validation. Boundaries.
What if what your child needs for success is impossible, or doesn’t even exist?
It’s still a good thought experiment because it helps us reframe the behavior through the lens of regulation, connection, felt safety and boundaries, and it could lead to some other creative idea.
In episode 3, I’ve invited a special guest, Juliane Taylor Shore to talk about energetic and psychological boundaries specific to parenting kids who have really dysregulated behaviors and who may say or do really hurtful things.
To hear more or get a deeper understanding, check out the full podcast episode:
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This blog is a short summary of a longer episode on the Parenting after Trauma podcast.
Find the Parenting after Trauma podcast on Apple Podcast, Google, Spotify, or in your favorite podcast app.
Or, you can read the entire transcript of the episode by scrolling down and clicking ‘transcript.’
Robyn
