Against A Behavioral Approach {EP 61}


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Greg Santucci is an Occupational Therapist who has taken Facebook by storm with his bold, playful, and useful posts about working with kids- especially kids with regulation challenges.  He currently works both in a hospital clinic and in the schools.  Greg also has a consultation and training business where he gets to travel the country, training schools and occupational clinics in his ground-making model of working with kids through the lens of regulation and the neuroscience of behavior (sound familiar?!).

Greg has years of experience as a school-based occupational therapist and advocating for the respectful treatment of students.

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Moving Away from a Behavioral Model

Greg is vocal voice in the movement away from behavioral therapy, especially ABA.  He is emphatically opposed to behavioral methodology and practices while at the same time, he never criticized the professionals who have worked from a behavioral model.

We know more now and we have to be brave enough to move past what we thought we knew.

Greg Santucci

Attunement with Ourselves

One of my favorite moments in this interview was when Greg talked about how he is more fired up now in his work than ever before.  He’s feeling inspired, energized, and loves the work he is doing.

And this is during a time when so many of our colleagues are feeling burned out!

I feel the same way.  In addition to how the pandemic has impacted the mental health field and the families I work with, my own life has been more stressful than ever before.

Despite this, I feel the same way Greg does (mostly!).

Fired up! Energetic. Passionate.  Not burned out.

I’ve reflected on this before and I think this has everything to do with working within a framework that is in attunement with the way our bodies and nervous systems actually work. 

I can see, conceptualize, and be with very challenging behaviors without taxing my own nervous system because I’m in energetic attunement and connection with what behavior really is– an expression of the autonomic nervous system. 

I’m not making judgments about anyone’s character, or shifting into righteous indignation, or trying to control their behavior (mostly!).

This has positively impacted my personal life too.

I have reflected more than once than I have no idea how I would have made it through the pandemic, the election season, and the significant challenges in my own family is if I wasn’t solidly grounded in the relational neuroscience of behavior.

Starting with a Foundation of Co-Regulation and Felt-Safety

We have to get back to the humanity of our work and away from getting kids to doing what we want by giving them something they want.

Greg Santucci

When we are focused on manipulatively changing someone else’s behavior, we are working in direct contradiction of their nervous system.

And our’s too.

The image that comes to mind for me is climbing up the downshoot of a slide.  We’re going against what is supposed to be happening.  There is a lot of friction and a lot of hard work.

When you go with the slide- the way it’s designed- it’s so much easier.  There’s a breath of relief that happens even as I type this.

Using coercive, manipulative interventions with anyone is so out of attunement with our own nervous systems that we have no choice but to disembody ourselves from the intuitive sensations that arise in our body that tells us we are doing something that is out of alignment.

This is so taxing on our nervous systems and I might even be bold enough to say that I think this underlies many (most) of the way we culturally and politically dehumanize anyone who is ‘not the same’ as us.

But that’s another podcast for another day.

No Such Thing As Only Behavioral

So often, I hear the question- “Is this sensory or is this behavioral?” And I’m not even an OT!

Or the other question I get is “Is this a trauma behavior? Or just a regular acting out behavior?” (I answer that question HERE.)

There is no such thing as just behavioral.  It’s not even possible.

All behavior is sensory.  It can’t not be.  Everything is sensory.

CLICK HERE for a great article written by my friend and colleague Amy Lewis: “Is it Sensory or Is It Behavior?”

Preferred Vs Non-Preferred

Greg and I had a lovely discussion about preferred versus non-preferred activities.

We all have non-preferred activities! In fact- probably most of what most of us do all day long is non-preferred. Hello, laundry?

With a relatively strong prefrontal cortex, I have the frustration tolerance to navigate through tasks I don’t really feel like doing.

I also find it so fascinating to consider that the idea of work avoidance overlooks some of the most core aspects of being human.

We are motivated to grow, be curious, and explore.  When we are regulated.

Connection is a biological imperative.  We are motivated to be cooperative while still staying true to ourselves.  When we are regulated.

Uncooperative, ‘work avoidant’ behavior is an invitation to ask “But why?”

I can guarantee you- the answer to why is about regulation, connection, and/or felt-safety.

Change the Sensory Channel

OOOOH I was super excited when Greg’s concept of “Change the Sensory Channel” came up in our conversation.  He posted about this on Facebook once (find that post HERE) and it was brilliant.

For example:

When kids are struggling to follow direction, Greg suggests trying to ‘change the sensory channel.’ If you words- the auditory channel- isn’t working (um, your child is ignoring you) try a new sensory channel.

  • Ask for eye contact (ask- don’t demand) – visual.
  • Physically touch or hand the child something – touch.
  • Help your child do what it is you are asking them to do- now you’re maybe adding in proprioception or vestibular input.

This Feels Better to the Grown Ups

When we change the sensory channel, we aren’t yelling!

We aren’t dysregulated!

There’s a breath in our body because we’ve connected with our kids and kept the ‘train on the track’ without anger, irritation, or frustration.

Changing How we See Behavior

Greg and I talked about how this one simple step- changing how we see behavior – changes US, the grown-ups.

We feel better.

We are less triggered, less angry, less overwhelmed, less stressed.

Even if nothing around us ever changes.  And let’s face it, it might not.

Find more Greg

Facebook: GregSantucciOT

https://GregSantucci.com

Robyn

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Creating Trauma-Sensitive Schools {EP 60}


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Julie Beem is the Executive Director of the Attachment and Trauma Network, a non-profit organization the supports the families of children who have experienced attachment trauma.  Julie first found the Attachment and Trauma Network when she was looking for support for her own family.  She described the Attachment and Trauma Network (ATN) as her family’s “lifeline” for many years.  Eventually, Julie reached a place where she was drawn to give back to ATN.  She started volunteering and now serves as the Executive Director.

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Creating Trauma Sensitive Schools Conference

Approximately six years ago, a group of parents with ATN who were also educators began talking with one another about how everything they were talking about in ATN was information that educators needed, too.  The Creating Trauma Sensitive Schools Annual Conference was born from those conversations and is now an annual event that serves over 1400 attendees every year.

In 2021, The Creating Trauma Sensitive Schools conference was offered virtually due to COVID.  The 2022 conference will be offered as a hybrid experience.  Participants can attend live in Houston on February 20-22, 2022 as well as attend virtual offerings on February 24-25, 2022.

Standing Strong Virtual Event for Parents

ATN has recognized that educators and parents both need access to the information that is shared during the Creating Trauma Sensitive Schools conference.  They also recognized that both groups need the information offered in a slightly different way that honors their unique needs.

ATN meets the needs of parents with regard to their child’s difficulties at school by creating a separate event, Standing Strong, which was offered virtually in the fall of 2021.  Standing Strong  focused on helping parents advocate for the children and knowing what types of services they can ask for.  Although that event has passed, ATN is looking at ways to make some of the content available for parents in an on-demand format.  If you sign up for ATNs email newsletter, you’ll be able to stay informed of all the resources they are continually releasing for parents and educators alike.

Where Do Families Even Start

When beginning to seek services for your child at school, your first question is “Does my child qualify for services?”  If your child already receives an IEP or 504 services, that will dictate the path you take to get the services your child needs.

The next question is “Should my child qualify for services?”  That means asking your school what steps you need to take to get your child evaluated for special education services- an IEP or 504.

If your child doesn’t meet the diagnostic criteria to receive services, then as parents you’ll want to focus on developing a relationship with your child teacher or teachers.  Through a supportive relationship, you may be able to help your child’s teacher be willing to learn about trauma-responsive classroom practices.

For some guidance on how to first approach your child’s teacher, check out my previous podcast on School Advocacy by CLICKING HERE.  It includes a sample email script that can begin the conversation.

When Your Child’s School Isn’t Open to this Conversation

Some teachers, administrators, and school systems are so stressed, and so traumatized themselves that they appear unwilling to shift their paradigm and consider a trauma-informed paradigm.

Then what?

Julie and I talked about how to acknowledge common educator fears, including:

  • I don’t have any more time or energy to do something new and different
  • I can’t do something different for one kid than for the rest of the class

When you approach the school, be clear that you want to make their job easier.  Be clear that the things you would suggest are not big things- they are simple things that will ultimately take them less time, not more.  Be clear that these practices- movement breaks, for example- are good for all kids; they won’t have to do something different or special for just one child.

Making Tough Decisions

Without a doubt, sometimes it’s just not possible to convince a school to respond to your child’s needs in a different, trauma-responsive way.  Some families do have to make very hard choices, such as moving their child to a different school or look at other alternative solutions, including home-schooling.

Julie acknowledged that there is a lot of privilege involved in homeschool or seeking alternative schooling solutions besides your public school.  Some families do not have this privilege.

Sometimes, though, we are so overwhelmed, so stressed, and feeling so hopeless that we have a very hard time seeing any creative solutions.  I have known many families who really do not have any other option than their public school.  I also know many families who when they get the co-regulation they need, their brain can calm down enough that they become able to see alternative solutions.

And Then, the Grief

It isn’t fair that our kids aren’t getting what they need from the public schools.  It isn’t fair that we have to make hard choices.  That we have to rework how we expected our family to be by homeschooling, or driving far, or figuring out a virtual school option.

It isn’t fair.  Our kids already face so many hardships and they should be able to access what they need at school.

There is grief there and our grief deserves to be seen, known, and validated.

Systemic Change

Ultimately, this is so much bigger than one family advocating for one child with one teacher.  We continue to need broad, systemic change in our school systems and in our cultural understanding of what behavior really it.

The Attachment & Trauma Network

Parents and educators can join ATN for free.  CLICK HERE to see what ATN offers.

ATN also offers a podcast- Regulated and Relational– that Julie co-hosts with Ginger Healy.

The 2022 Creating Trauma Sensitive Schools Conference is open for registration and you can see all the details and register by CLICKING HERE.

Robyn

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The Regulated Classroom {EP 59}


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Emily Daniels, MEd., MBA, NCC, SEP in Training is the founder of HERE this NOW, a trauma-informed education and consulting firm dedicated to bringing trauma-informed education into schools.  She is the author of The Regulated Classroom, a guidebook for teachers to help them bring the science of regulation and the autonomic nervous system into their classroom, as well as the creator of the Educator Self-Care Toolkit, a collection of regulation hacks and sensory tools for educators.

I met Emily earlier this year, serendipitously in an online community that had nothing to do with trauma or mental health.  When I peeked a little further at who Emily is and what she is doing, I messaged and said “Hey- we should know each other!”

Keep Reading or Listen on the Podcast

I was right!  Emily has combined her history as a school counselor, intimate knowledge of our education system, as well as her understanding of the body, nervous system, and Polyvagal Theory to develop training for schools.

Like so many of us, Emily remembers attending a conference where she was introduced to the relationship between the trauma, autonomic nervous system, and behaviors and had the trajectory of career dramatically changed.

Emily remembers being so emotionally impacted by Dr. Peter Levine’s presentation in a conference that she was brought to intense tears.  The conference led Emily to become trained in Somatic Experiencing (Dr. Levine’s model of somatic trauma healing) and ultimately to create her consulting firm, HERE this NOW as a way to bring trauma-informed classroom practices into the schools.

HERE this NOW

HERE the NOW began by brining basic trauma-informed information to schools and educators.  Emily loved this work but was, of course, consistently asked by the educators in the audience, “Well, what do we do with this information?”

Emily knew that educators need tools and practical strategies to implement in their classrooms but she also knew that tools and strategies weren’t really the most important part of the solution.  Determined to blend tools and strategies with educator self-awareness led Emily to develop The Regulated Classroom.

The Regulated Classroom

The Regulated Classroom is a “somatosensory and polyvagal informed” approach to social-emotional learning in the classroom.   Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, helps us understand the actual origin of behaviors and brings compassion to ourselves, and to others. It also explains why simply learning coping skills and different behavioral choices doesn’t always lead to the actual behavior change.

Polyvagal Theory can easily be experienced as overwhelming.  It’s dense science with many layers of complexity.  Emily has taken the most important components of Polyvagal Theory and distilled it into a paradigm that is understandable and practical for educators.

4 Classroom Practices

The Regulated Classroom is organized into four classroom practices:

  • Connectors- practices that cultivate relationships in the classroom
  • Activators- collective rhythm-making exercises grounded in the theory of regulating the brainstem
  • Settlers- Practices to calm the body’s stress response
  • Affirmations- Practices that encourage reflection, compassion, and recognition for self and others.

Emily offers training in multiple formats, including short workshops or daylong trainings (live and virtual) as well as ongoing consultation with schools to deepen their understanding and implementation of the practices.  The embodiment of Polyvagal Theory and regulation theory simply takes time and practice.

Polyvagal Theory

Emily and I don’t go into the underlying science or even explain Polyvagal Theory much at all in this episode.  You’ll have to tune in to future episodes for a quick summary of Polyvagal Theory.

For today, I invite you to connect with this one core truth about Polyvagal Theory.  

Polyvagal Theory offers an explanation for why we do the things that we do- especially the things that are easy to judge and criticize.  Through this, Polyvagal Theory provides uswith a sense of being seen and then an accompanying deep sense of compassion.

It provides the science for the truth that all behaviors make sense. 

This doesn’t mean all behaviors are OK.  But they all make sense and that changes how we approach and view behaviors.

It allows us to approach one another (and ourselves) with compassion and we know that Compassion is the Neurobiology of Change (Robyn Gobbel).

Story Follows State

“I have a lot more suspicion about the meaning I make from the physiological experiences I encounter.” Emily Daniels

Polyvagal theory has taught us we are often creating meaning and writing a story about what is happening- or even someone else’s behaviors – that is based on our own physiological state.

We have a sensation in our bodies and we quickly make meaning out of it.

Polyvagal Theory has taught us that we can be suspicious (curious!) of the story.

Is it possible to consider that the voice in our ear is just a story.  And if that’s possible, does that mean that it’s possible for it to shift?

Instead of focusing on the story, what if we remained open to the possibility that what feels like a truth is actually just a story?

Then our story can change. 

This Applies to Other’s Behaviors, Too

Polyvagal Theory invites us to change our perception of other’s behavior, too.

When we allow ourselves to stay curious about someone else’s behaviors without quickly making meaning out of them, it is easier to remember that this other person’s behavior has nothing to do with us.

It’s simply information about the state of their autonomic nervous system. 

More Emily!

As Emily and I wrap up this episode, we explore the different ways Emily’s resources could support you or your child’s teacher even if you aren’t in a position to ask your administration to bring Emily in to train your school (though, it never hurts to try!)

The Regulated Classroom Guidebook

The guidebook is strategically laid out to walk an educator through the four key points listed above in the 4 Classroom Practices.  The guidebook is available for individual purchase at The Regulated Classroom and can stand alone without participating in one of Emily’s trainings.

The Educator Self-Care Tool Kit

Recently introduced to the world, the toolkit is specifically designed to help educators pay attention to and bring regulation to their own nervous system.  Emily has received feedback from educators that it’s the first thing they have ever received that is specific for them- not for their students. The self-care tool kit is available for purchase HERE and includes:

  • The Regulated Classroom Guidebook
  • Capeable™ magnetic focus fidget
  • Capeable™ weighted scarf
  • Mad Mattr™
  • (5) Mesh and marble fidget
  • (3) Koosh balls
  • (1) Massage roller ball
  • (3) Squishy stress balls
  • (2) Essential oils
  • (5) Stretch noodles
  • (3) Resistance spiky rings
  • (2) Monkey foam 
  • Calming tea

Robyn

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How to Advocate for Our Kids at School {EP 58}


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School has always been a wild card for the kids that I work with.

Some kids with vulnerable nervous systems thrive in the structure of school.  They do well with the less intimate relational demands and feel regulated by the daily routine and clarity around what’s going to happen next.

Some kids with vulnerable nervous systems end up feeling chronically dysregulated at school and this largely results in behavior that the school doesn’t know how to navigate.  Quickly the child finds themselves in a pretty vicious cycle of dysregulation, behavior, school response, increased dysregulation, increased challenging behavior, and on and on and on and on.

Before I go any further, let me reassure you that this podcast episode will take the same no shame no blame stance as all my previous episodes because that’s what it means to deeply understand the relational neurosciences and our nervous system.

Keeping reading or listen on the podcast

All Behavior is Adaptive and Makes Sense!

…to that individual’s nervous system at that moment based on what they are experiencing and neuroceiving and how they make sense of what they are experiencing and neuroceiving.

Each of has a completely subjective experience in every moment based on our billions of previous experiences.  For more on the science of how all behavior is adaptive in the moment given our nervous system- which doesn’t mean all behavior is good or even that we shouldn’t feel pretty motivated to change some particularly challenging behavior- head to a previous podcast and blog episode at robyngobbel.com/maladaptive.

This Applies to Adult Behavior, Too

Sometimes in this episode- and other episodes, too- we might talk about both kids and adults- including myself- behaving in a way that we might call ‘badly.’  Reflecting on behavior is always through the lens of curiosity and compassion, never judgment.

Behavior is just information.  We can get curious about what it means and sometimes, we have to set a boundary.  Simply because we understand behavior and believe it all makes sense doesn’t me we allow or tolerate behavior that is harmful or crosses boundaries.

School Behavior is Becoming More Challenging

Usually about mid-October the conversations with parents in my office becomes increasingly about their child’s difficulties at school.  This almost always (though not always!) turns into frustration about how the school is responding or maybe even provoking the behavior.

This time of year is when I start to spend more time on the phone with the school. Meetings are scheduled. I’m sending off resources to the ones who are expressing interest and curiosity in learning more.

But let’s just name a truth here at the very beginning of this episode. The families I work with have to navigate a lot of school personnel- teachers, admins, support staff- who aren’t behaving in a way that suggests they are curious or interested.

Regretfully many of these adults are behaving in a way that could be called rigid, controlling, even scary.

Again remember y’all. NO shame no blame.

Protection Mode Behaviors

When I’m working with adults who are behaving in controlling and rigid ways I remind myself that those are behaviors of a brain in protection mode.

That person’s nervous system is not experiencing felt safety and they’ve moved out of our brain’s default connection mode and into protection mode.

Defensiveness, rigidity, control are all behaviors of protection mode.

Curiosity, compassionate boundaries, flexibility are all behaviors of connection mode.

Our Educators are in Protection Mode.

They are stressed.

They are at times literally unsafe, and if they aren’t literally unsafe they are neuroceiving a lack of safety.

They are understaffed and overworked.  Some of still trying to figure out how to teach both virtually and in person.

They are in their now third year of COVID school.

They are working in districts where parents are being arrested for assault.

Being a teacher is a hard task in the best of times and we are nowhere close to the best of times.

Kids and parents are also spending a lot of time in protection mode of their nervous system.

A System that Lacks Felt-Safety

What happens when we create a system full of people in protection mode?

Control, rigidity, and lack of flexibility.

Relational behavior emerges from connection mode.  Relational behavior emerges from feeling safe and regulated.

It’s just plain hard to feel safe and regulated right now.

So…What Do We Do?

Now that we’ve brought to the forefront of our minds and hearts both understanding and compassion for our educators, what do parents do next?

Maybe your kid’s behavior is escalating, the punishment from school is escalating, your child is getting more dysregulated and that’s causing more disruptive behavior, not less disruptive.

Maybe you’re thinking “I’m about to lose my job because I keep having to take time off work to go to the school.”

Maybe you’re just bone wary that you’re still having to advocate against systems – like token behavior management systems- that really is hard to understand why, after all these years of clear evidence that they are harmful and do not work, they are still being used.

Yup.  Of course you are.

And what do we do next?

In the coming weeks, I have a line-up of guests that will bring compassion, care, and understanding to all–  children, parents, and of course, our educators.

Our of my upcoming guests is Lori Desautels, author Connection Over Compliance.  In our interview Lori stated that educators are crisis-schooling right now.  Or maybe she said crisis educating, I don’t remember.

Many if not most of our educators have been crisis educating for years due to lack of funding, under-resourced and over-crowded classrooms.  Now they are in their third school year of pandemic school and yes, this is a crisis.

Co-Experiencing Crisis

Very rarely do we have an experience where the folks whose job is to hold the world together- folks like health care workers, educators, and mental health workers, are experiencing the exact same crisis as the people they serve.

Co-experiencing a crisis with the people you are supposed to be regulated enough to hold their crisis is traumatic.  I’m more in touch with how this impacting our metal health workers – who are burned out, quitting, and at times providing suboptimal care because their own nervous system is so frayed and they don’t even realize it because it’s the new normal- but I assume that this exact scenario is playing out with our educators.

Burned out, quitting, and at times providing suboptimal care.

Remember.  No shame no blame.

A nervous system in a chronic state of crisis isn’t capable of providing optimal care.

Their normal and adaptive responses are leading the way- control, rigidity, inflexibility, judgment, and punishment.

Those are behaviors that emerge from a nervous system in chronic protection mode.

What can Parent’s Do?

How can you connect with your child’s teacher or the admins because what’s happening to your child- the controlling and rigid systems, the punitive approach to change behavior, their lack of compassion, the suspensions, the everything- isn’t OK.

Connect First.  Then Correct.

Lead with the same skills you lead with when you want to connect and coregulate with your child.

  1. Tend to your own nervous system first. Acknowledge to yourself your very real and righteous feelings, give yourself compassion, take a breath, and then apply the science of safety to the teacher.  Their behavior says they are stressed and in protection mode.
  2. Approach them with curiosity and a genuine spirit of connection and team work.
  3. Be clear that you see them and their struggles. See their humanity.
  4. Offer to help. In a way that is clear that your help won’t cause more stress.

An Email Example

Sometimes it’s helpful to have an example.  You are free to use as much or as little of this example as feels supportive.

Dear Teacher- I know you have so much going on and this email is now one more thing for you to tend to.  I can’t imagine how you are juggling everything you are juggling right now.  I wanted to send a quick note about Sam.  He’s definitely struggling to stay regulated at school which we see in his behavior when he’s rude, sassy, refuses to do work, distracts the class, leaves, calls you names, {insert whatever behavior here}. 

I’m on the same page as you in that I definitely want Sam’s behavior to change so he can learn and you can do your job.  I really understand the urge to punish Sam for his behavior because sometimes it’s just so maddening! I sometimes don’t know what else to do and I punish, too.  Unfortunately, I’ve learned the hard way that not only does that not work, but it usually makes things worse.  I’d love to work together with you because I want as much as you do for Sam’s behaviors to get better, not worse.  That’ll make your job way easier. 

How could I best support you?  Would you prefer to meet or would it be easier on your time and schedule if I just email over a few resources that have been really helpful to me in understanding Sam’s behavior and responding in a way that decreases those behaviors.

You Want the Same Thing the Teacher Wants

For your child’s behavior to improve.  Their behavior is just a flag that let’s you know how much distress they are in, and you want to alleviate that distress.

When you communicate with a teacher or administrator, use tons of empathy, compassion, and statements that communicate that their feelings makes sense.

“Of course…” and “That makes so much sense to me.”

So something like “Of course you want to punish.  That’s what I want to do a lot of the times too.”

But then, a boundary.

“Unfortunately, I’ve learned punishments don’t work and often make things worse.”

What Next?

What you say after that exchange depends on the response you get.

My experience working with teachers is that they chose a career dedicated to kids for a reason- they love kids and want to have good relationships with them.  When the teacher feels seen and not attacked or blamed, when they feel a partnership with parents instead of an adversarial one (remember that there are teachers in the US who have literally been assaulted physically by parents and the incidents of verbal assaults are even higher, so teachers are afraid and defended right now), their nervous system has the opportunity to shift into connection mode.

Just Like Our Kids.

And what emerges from connection mode?

Curiosity. Flexibility.  Compassionate boundaries.

Bringing You the Experts

Ultimately, I’m not an educator and I spend very little (like none) time in schools.

It’s not really my place to talk much about schools, teachers, and advocating for both your child and their teacher – and hopefully I’ve been clear that I definitely believe both (kids and teachers!) deserve a safe and regulated place to spend their days.

That means I’ve gathered the experts for you.

In the coming weeks you’re going to hear from:

  • Emily Daniels, education consultant, founder of the training and consulting agency Here this Now, author of The Regulated Classroom and creator of the educator self-care toolkit.
  • Greg Santucci, occupational therapist extraordinaire who has decades of experience working with the schools and whose playful, compassionate, and grounded in science approach has taken social media by storm in the last year.
  • Lori Desautels, author of Connections over Compliance, assistant professor at Butler University, and creator of Butler’s nine-hour graduate certification in Applied Educational Neuroscience, and founder of the Educational Neuroscience Symposium.
  • Jim Sporleder the former high school principal who you are probably familiar with from the documentary Paper Tigers and if you, aren’t go watch it now! Jim is also the co-author with Heather Forbes of The Trauma Informed School.
  • And Julie Beem, Executive Director of the Attachment and Trauma Network which offers so many services for all the grown-ups who care for kids impacted by trauma, including their Trauma Informed Schools Initiative and an annual Creating Trauma Sensitive Schools Conference.

Amazing right?!  How did I get this lucky that these five dynamic forces all said yes to an interview?!

If you haven’t already, hit subscribe to the Parenting after Trauma podcast on your podcast player and sign up to receive my emails so you can be sure to know when the episodes go live!

Robyn

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The Relationship Between Nutrition and Behavior {EP 57}


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What if we could get better behavior by focusing on something completely different?

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

Holistic Psychologist, Educator, and Mom

Dr. Nicole Beurkens is a holistic psychologist in Grand Rapids, MI who also has degrees and experience in education and nutrition.

Dr. Beurkens started her career in special education and soon found herself with a desire to work with kids, parents, and families in a deeper way than she was able to as an educator.

Through her work with families, as well as her own family, Dr. Beurkens became interested in nutrition and brain health, ultimately earning another master’s degree in nutrition so that she could incorporate nutrition health into her work with kids and families.

Go Beneath Behavior

Dr. Nicole and I get pretty jazzed about the importance about looking waaaaay beneath behavior at a child’s physiology and how nutrition specifically impacts the child’s physiology.  We agreed that attachment, boundaries, connection, all the things we are always talking about on this podcast are SO important…

And…

If a child’s microbiome is out of whack, their gut health, is impaired or there are other physiological difficulties that are contributing to their behavioral difficulties, then there is very little change can be made until the physical challenges are addressed.

What Clues Suggest a Physiological Difficulty?

As a mental health therapist, parents come to be because their kids have behavior problems.  I take a thorough history and attempt to gather data that could give me clues that there is an underlying physiological need, but sometimes it’s hard to know exactly what to ask or what to look for.

Dr. Nicole said one of the clues that it’s time to explore physiological needs is if a family is doing ‘all the things’- parenting with connection and co-regulation, setting good boundaries, etc. but just not making any traction in creating more calm in their chaotic home.

Other things she takes into consideration when deciding to explore nutrition and physiology are if the child has (any, not all):

  • Limited picky diet
  • Diagnosed food allergies
  • History of physical health issues
  • Miralax dependence
  • Medications that address physical health (not just psychological health)
  • History of any other gut challenges, including parasites

Intergenerational Impact on the Microbiome

Dr. Nicole talked about something I’d never thought of before!  Our gut microbiomes are well-honed over generations to work in our environment.  When a child is adopted- especially international but even when adoption places a child in neighboring community or even just a different family- children have their gut microbiome formed to navigate one culture, setting, or geography, but then that child is transplanted into a different setting.  I thought this was such an interesting and important thing to consider- and I know admittedly little about the gut microbiome!

Felt-Safety

Felt-Safety is about how our physiology doing- it’s not relational felt-safety.  If our physiology is off- an infection, inflammation, illness…even being tired or hungry…the nervous system will flip into ‘protection’ mode- which brings about defensive behaviors.

Addressing our children’s nutritional needs, the microbiome, inflammation, leaky gut is a crucial component of establishing felt-safety.

The kid who only poops once a week?  That’s not just about pooping!  That’s a kid who is physically uncomfortable, which impacts their felt sense of OKness in their body, which impacts felt-safety.  The chronic runny nose?  Having a chronic, uncomfortable symptom takes up a lot of a person’s window of tolerance and they have less capacity to navigate other stressor!  Not to mention that there’s got to be an underlying reason for a chronic symptoms like constipation or congestion.

What About Us?

Dr. Nicole reminds us everything she is talking about with regards to our kids’ nutrition, health, and body applies to us, too!  If our nutrition is poor, our sleep is poor, our stress is sky-high then we have to focus on that if we want to ultimately parent with more regulation, connection, and offerings of felt-safety.

Normal versus Optimal

Ohhhhh I just loved when Dr. Nicole said that she isn’t interested in normal- she’s interested in optimal.  She is so clear that it’s much more important to look at the child and their symptoms and treat that- over their bloodwork.  Yes, drawing labs can be helpful but not at the expense of looking at symptoms.

Lab works suggests what’s normal across the entire population.  Lab work does not suggest what’s optimal for your specific child.

She also reminds us that sometimes really simply things, like a multivitamin, can make a huge difference.

Small Changes

Making nutritional changes can feel so overwhelming that sometimes parents chose not to think about nutrition at all.  Dr. Nicole reminds us that even small changes can make a big difference.  She gave the example of swapping out the fruit snacks you usually buy for a different brand that has less sugar.  It’s a small but important step that doesn’t have to cause a lot of additional friction in your relationship with your child.  Dr. Nicole is so clear that she is never asking parents to make enormous changes, switching to an unrealistic (for many families) all organic, all homemade food diet.

Small changes can go a long way in nutrient density- and nutrients feed the brain, which of course impacts behavior.

When Food is Already Stressful in Your Home

Dr. Nicole and I acknowledge that kids with a history of relational trauma who so often develop a lot of challenges related to their diet is an entire other podcast episode- but I asked for easy and practical tips and tricks anyway!

Dr. Nicole said there’s two ways to approach diet changes.

  1. Bite the bullet

There’s no slow way into this major change, everyone just has to deal with the awful for 7-10 days, and then it’ll get better.  Your kids won’t like it, you won’t like it, no one likes it but sometimes it’s just what needs to happen.

  1. Tip Toe In

For many families, a more gradual approach is more realistic and attainable.  In those situations, Dr. Nicole recommends:

  • Get more hydration. Focus on pushing in before removing, especially for any child who has a history of food insecurity.  For example, start to slowly water down juice, allowing their palette to slowly acclimate to less sweetness and get more water into their bodies.
  • Find a snack or meal option that can be substituted for something more nutrient dense. One, slow step at time.  Nicole is so clear- ONE simple shift at a time.
  • Give greater exposure to more nutrient dense foods. Not even thinking about what goes in their mouth, but exposing them to shopping and cooking and meal planning.  Be sure that as a family you are having meals together.  Even having kids helping you put food on the table or serving the food- even though they aren’t eating it.  Having your child put the food on their plate, with reassurance that they do not have to eat it.

Get more Dr. Nicole Beurkens!

You can find Dr. Nicole

Robyn

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But- What about a Consequence?!?! {EP 56}

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Is this way of parenting, this connection-based, brain-based, co-regulation-based way, permissive parenting? Are kids just learning to get away with bad behavior?

Don’t people need a consequence to learn what behavior to do more of…and what behavior to do less of?

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But- What About a Consequence?

The question “But what about a consequence?” usually means one of two things.

Either the person asking the question hasn’t fully bought into the relational neuroscience theory that regulated connected kids who feel safe (and know what to do) do well– OR they are dysregulated themselves and have fallen into old ways of responding to negative behavior.

That happens to all of us!

When we are dysregulated, we fall back into old, well-exercised neural pathways like “Bad behavior = consequence.”

I wrote about this in a blog from a few weeks ago- check it out! Has Trauma Informed Become Another Behavior Modification Technique?

What does Consequence Even Mean

Another challenge with the “But What About a Consequence” question is that nobody really agrees on what consequence means.

A consequence is just the thing that happens next. 

The consequence of me putting my foot on the gas is that my car accelerates.

The consequence of me oversleeping is that I have a rushed morning, I’m grouchy, and maybe late.

The consequence of one too many cups of coffee is that I can’t sleep for 12 days.

Some consequences are positive

They tend to make us want to do that behavior again.

The consequence of me finally getting up early enough to not rush through my morning routine and make it to work on time is positive- I like that.  I’ll do that again.

Some consequences are negative

The consequence of me drinking a cup of coffee after 2pm means I will never sleep again.  I don’t like that- I won’t do that again.

Learning from consequences- not punishments- means that the next time the situation rolls around, I have to remember.  I have to be regulated so that I can be mindful enough to pause my behavioral impulses- to drink coffee all day long- long enough to think “WAIT. Don’t drink that!  You’ll never sleep again!”

This is actually a pretty advanced cognitive skill and like I said, requires a lot of regulation and mindfulness.

Because slowing down, noticing, and choosing a different behavior requires a LOT of energy and frankly even calories.

Consequence Do Work!

It’s not that consequences- positive or negative- don’t work.  Consequences can lead to behavior change.

It’s that we’re banking on the problem being related to the child needing to know something new and then the next time, being regulated enough to pause, remember, and do something different.

I mean, most adults I know have a hard time with that!

Consequence is often a code-word for Punishment

Beyond that, very rarely do people use the word consequence to mean what it means- something that happens next.   

Most of the time, we are using the word consequence as a code word for punishment.

But what about the consequence? isn’t really asking about the consequence, because whatever the consequence really is, it already happened.

It’s really asking- but what is the punishment?

If regulated, connected kids who feel safe (and know what to do!) behave well, why do they need a punishment?

They don’t need a punishment.

They need us to help them solve the real problem.  Do they need to more co-regulation?  Connection? Or felt-safety?

What do Kids Really Need?

Sometimes we realize that our child doesn’t have what they need to be regulated, connected, and experiencing felt-safety in a certain setting.

Maybe your 5 and 7-year-olds can’t play without adult supervision without hurting each other.

They don’t need a punishment.

They need more adult co-regulation so that their 5 and 7-year-old owl brains to stay in charge enough that they can have age-appropriate sharing skills, frustration tolerance, and words to express what they need and want.

This might mean they need their play toys to be in the main room where the grownups are so the regulated adults can lend them their regulated brains more easily.

They might need help scaffolding the very complex social nuances of shared play.

(I give a lot more examples in the podcast episode)

Your Child Does Need Boundaries!

This approach to parenting doesn’t mean you child never hears no or there aren’t any boundaries.

And it isn’t an approach that avoids unhappy children.

It is an approach that recognizes what the real problem is (lack of regulation, connection or felt safety) and had that contributes to poor impulse control, poor frustration tolerance, or difficulty in putting together cause and effect.

Behaviors that we would label as rude or disrespectful or even verbally aggressive are really about a child being activated/aroused and not experiencing felt safety.  That’s dysregulated.

Opposition, defiance, and other challenging behaviors emerge from a brain that isn’t experiencing felt-safety.  Their brain has flipped into protection mode.  The owl brain has flown away and the watch dog or possum brain have taken over.

CLICK HERE for a blog on how activation/arousal is underneath behaviors like opposition, defiance, and aggression.

So- what do we do?

Create safety for the watchdog or possum brain.  Bring that activation down.

Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain is allll about creating safety for the watchdog and possum brain, and growing the owl brain.

Prosocial, age-appropriate social and relational behaviors will emerge.

This is super hard work for us grown-ups!!!  Kids- and especially kids with fragile nervous systems or histories of trauma, need lots of structure, predictability, and co-regulation.

There is a place for our hard-earned grief that our older or bigger kids cannot do the things that their same age peers can do- like play with their siblings or friends without hitting them.  Like get up for school.  Like leave the house in the morning for school without 9 million meltdowns.

Grieve that truth.

What Does Your Child Need to Be Successful?

What’s happening in your child’s body that is leaving them in such a chronic state of activation that they are regularly rude, disrespectful, and uncooperative?  How can you calm their arousal?  Help their body feel safe?  Create an environment or an experience from them to succeed?

This way of parenting isn’t boundary-less or permissive.  It recognizes that children don’t need punishments or rewards to change behavior.  They need regulation, connection, and felt-safety- and probably some new skills too but we have to teach those skills when they’re regulated.

What consequence does this child need (which is almost always code for what punishment does this child need) can be replaced by what does my child need in order to be successful?  How can I create an experience for them in which it would be impossible for them to fail?

When my child isn’t doing well managing the responsibilities of his life I pause and ask why.  What does he need that he isn’t getting?  Regulation? Connection? Felt-Safety?

These are big concepts and I’ve blogged a lot about them in the past!

Has Trauma Informed Become a Behavior Modification Technique?

What’s Regulation Got to do With it

Focus on Arousal not Behavior

Connection can’t not work

We are Always Searching and Yearning for Connection

Felt Safety- what’s that?

Connection or Protection

What Behavior Really Is– free video series masterclass

Deep-Dive into the Watchdog, Owl, and Possum Brain

The owl, watchdog, and possum brain (yours and your child’s!) are the stars of Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain– my online digital course.  Check it out!

Robyn

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Has Trauma Informed Become A Behavior Modification Technique? {EP 54}


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Trauma Informed Care was my introduction to a new model on behavior.  A model that went past the behaviorist lens, a model that encouraged us to look way beyond the behavior and get curious about what was driving the behavior.

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A New Lens

When I was a brand therapist, I remember asking a mentor “But what about the consequence?” in regards to a teens particularly flagrant disregard of a pretty important rule.

He looked at me with a little smirk in his eyes- the smirk of a much older, much wiser mentor who is enjoying his new, young Padawan.

“What would a consequence accomplish?” He asked.

“Well, he needs to know this isn’t OK.”

He laughed. “I’m pretty sure he knows that.”

Huh.  He had a point.

But then what?

What Were We Supposed To Do?

It’s curious really.  A kid does something that is a clear message of “I am not OK!!!” and we adults are focused on what we are supposed to do to make sure the child knows what they did wasn’t OK.

This teen knew what he did wasn’t OK.

He definitely didn’t need to be taught that.

He needed grown-ups in life who were willing to get curious and brave about what on earth was going on- and then help him (while still offering very clear, solid boundaries).

I didn’t really like the feeling of not knowing what to do– and clearly I didn’t since I was asking about consequences– (and as an aside, I’ve gotten extremely comfortable with that feeling and it’s probably when I moved from being a good therapist to an excellent one) so I dove into the latest books and the latest science about what behavior really is. 

I found Dan Siegel and the field of Interpersonal Neurobiology.  I dove further in.

I obsessively obsessed about what was driving these kids’ behaviors so that we could help them.

Walking Two Paths- Therapist and Mom

At the same time, I was neck deep in raising my son and had an aha moment one day that I wanted to parent my son the way I was supporting the parents in my practice to be with their children.

Except my son hadn’t experienced any significant trauma- beyond being raised by a therapist. ;)

My husband is an educator and we were both learning from each other about how to be with our kids, students, clients, and colleagues in a way that matched our professional values and theory.

But again- those aren’t all people with a history of trauma.

Where was the line between trauma informed and just good practice based on what we understand about the neurobiology of being human? 

And maybe even a better question- why was there a line?

Trauma Informed Approaches- Are They Good Approaches for Everyone?

We took our son out of a school with a relatively archaic approach to behavior management that would definitely be considered not trauma informed- but I felt completely clear that this approach wasn’t good for any kids- not just kids with a history of trauma.

My husband and I looked at each other one evening after a failed attempt at inspiring some change in our son’s school and said “Why would keep our kid in an environment that we spend all our professional hours speaking out against?” And I remain grateful that I had opportunities in my life that allowed me the privilege to make that choice while continuing to be a fierce advocate for the families who don’t have a choice.

Trauma informed approaches aren’t just good for kids with a history of trauma.

Truly being trauma informed means connecting with what it means to be human- and then understanding the impact of trauma on top of that.

Trauma-Informed as a Behavior Intervention

“How do I know if this is a trauma related behavior or a normal kid behavior?”

“Help me know how to respond to this behavior in my child with a trauma history because if my bio kid had ever pulled anything like this, I would react WAY different.”

“I completely agree with trauma-informed care…but what about when it doesn’t work?  Doesn’t the child need a consequence then?”

Outside my work with parents, I was traveling far and wide, speaking to educators, clinicians, and parents all over the country.  Without fail, one or all of these questions would be asked.

These questions are generally coming from one of two different places. 

Sometimes they were questions from folks who had just popped out of their window of tolerance.  A certain behavior triggered them in a way that they left their prefrontal cortex and moved into a controlling space.  This is normal and human and happens to me, too.

Or, they are the questions of someone who has unintentionally turned trauma-informed principles into another behavior management technique.

Focused on Behavior Change

They were using ideas of connection, felt-safety, and co-regulation as a means to an end- changed behavior.

They were still, at their core, believing that children need some sort of intervention to ‘act right’ and they were willing to try these new approaches for kids who had experienced trauma.

What was being missed was the complete paradigm shift of understanding the neurobiology of behavior– the neurobiology of being human. 

To Be Truly Trauma Informed

To truly be trauma informed, we have to shift our entire lens on what behavior really is, otherwise it will ultimately just become another behavior management technique.

The risk there is that when the technique doesn’t work- meaning behavior isn’t changed- we revert back to beliefs like “This child is just defiant” or “We need to give a consequence” (which you and I both know means punishment).

What’s Underneath the Behavior

At the foundation of trauma informed care is the curiosity to look at what’s driving behavior and focus on that- instead of the behavior.  Along with the recognition that trauma impacts people in a way that ultimately comes out in the behavior.

That’s true of all behavior.

Behavior is simply what we see on the outside that gives us clues about what’s happening on the inside.

I can summarize most of what we currently understand about the neurobiology of behavior (including polyvagal theory, affect regulation theory, the neurosequential model, etc. etc. etc.) with this:

Regulated, Connected Kids (people) who Feel Safe Behave Well.

We might have to redefine or re-examine what it means to do well, but that’s another post/episode.

Felt-Safety

The brain has two settings.

Safe. Not Safe.  It’s an on/off switch.

When we feel safe, we have behaviors of connection.

When we don’t feel safe, we have behaviors of protection.

What’s a behavior of protection?  They’re the ones that leave you not want to be in connection with that person.  Or their behaviors that are overly pushing connection away.

Basically, they’re the behaviors that lead you to listen to podcasts and read blogs about behavior.

Regulation

All behavior, not just relational behavior but all behavior-– like brushing our teeth or riding a bike– is driven by the levels of energy and arousal in our nervous system.

When that energy and arousal is regulated, our behavior matches.  Regulated doesn’t mean calm or happy.  Regulated means I’m inside my window of tolerance.  Regulated means I’m stay connected to myself.  It means I can notice my experience and change it if needed.

The kind of behavior that distresses adults the most is usually really dysregulated.  The child isn’t connected to themselves and it doesn’t match the situation.

Like- flipping over a chair because you can’t have a snack five minutes before dinner.

Connection

Connection is a Biological Imperative.  This is science.  Hard science.  This means connection is our default.  We are driven to be find connection and our body works better when we are available for connection.

If our kids (or anyone for that matter) are acting in a way that is rejecting or pushing away connection we have to pause and ask “Huh.  What’s up with that.”

This is true about all humans.  All.  Every single one.

I know that if you aren’t new to my blog that this isn’t new information.  Just hang with me.  Plus it’s good to hear things a lot.

Now- Layer the Impact of Trauma on Top

Felt-Safety

Trauma leaves folks more likely to experience neutral or even positive experiences as unsafe. Trauma sets the felt-safety bias hard toward ‘not safe.’  Trauma can leave a person is a pretty chronic state of ‘not safe.’  This leaves them in protection-brain.  This means more protection behaviors (opposition, defiance, aggression, shutting down).

Regulation

Trauma impacts the development of regulation in the autonomic nervous system (ANS). The impact on the ANS impacts all sorts of things but the one thing I’ll mention here is the creation of the ‘mountain out of a mole hill’ phenomenon.

Basically, a history of trauma can leave people have big reactions to objectively small stressors.

Connection

Trauma can leave connection- something that is supposed to bring a sense of soothing and safety to our system- as something that instead brings a sense of threat.

To be driven toward something that is also threatening?

There’s hardly a greater tragedy.

Minimizing the Trauma-Informed Movement?

I’ve worried about– and even gotten some feedback– that I’m unintentionally minimizing the impact of trauma by first focusing on the neurobiology of being human.

Laying trauma-informed principles on top of the neurobiology of being human is how we truly recognize and honor the impact of trauma.

What if without first understanding the neurobiology of being human, trauma informed care is reduced to behavior management techniques?

What if people with a history of trauma who don’t produce the desired behavior in response to someone’s trauma-informed intervention are labeled as ‘just defiant.’

Regretfully, these aren’t ‘what ifs.’  These are things I see happening.  Every day.

If we shift our lens and see behavior as an expression of someone’s internal state, their autonomic nervous system, their level of arousal and their experience of felt-safety, we change how we see everyone’s behavior.

We shift to a place where compassion emerges and boundaries are clear.

Changing Systems & Culture

We create systems and cultures that are not only a space for all humans to thrive, but are especially a place for people with a history of trauma to thrive. 

Changing how we see people changes people.

People with a history of trauma are people first.  Then the way trauma has impacted the development of the nervous system, their regulation, and connection to felt-safety, their ability to feel safe in connection, and even the way to make and retrieve memories can be understood on top of that.

People with a history of trauma aren’t broken.

They are having completely reasonable, adaptive responses to experiences they never should have had.  The neuroscience of being human confirms this.

Beyond Trauma Informed

To be truly trauma informed, we have to go beyond trauma informed.  We have to be willing to turn upside our beliefs, and the systems in which we’ve built those beliefs, about what it means to be human.

This means confronting all the times someone has treated us in a way that taught us we needed to be punished in order to be good.  This means confronting all the times we’ve treated others that way.  That’s hard and gutsy and brave and we’re doing it.

You’re doing it.

We’re changing the world for generations to come.  We’re creating a space for people to heal from trauma.  And maybe we’re creating a space where people experience less trauma because all humans are seen for who they really are: completely amazing precious people- who sometimes act bad.

Robyn

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What our Kids Really Need (and us, too): Moments of Healing {EP 53}


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Therapeutic moments can be brief

and ideally are spread throughout your whole week—it’s not just about one hour a week with the therapist.  Dr. Bruce Perry

It’s easy to get discouraged, hopeless, and overwhelmed when your career (mine!) is dedicated to helping kids who have been hurt the worst.  Kids who have some of the biggest, most challenging, and even the most dangerous behaviors.

Their parents and caregivers are understandably run down.  The services that families need literally don’t even exist in the world, let alone are they accessible.

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The Science of Being Human

Maybe this is why I have been so drawn to the science that explains the mind and heart of being human, being hurt, and healing from both.  There is so much hope and I find it hard to argue with science.  At my core, I’m really an optimist and the hope of relational neuroscience helps me stay connected to families when they need it the most.

One Hour a Week

I remember super early in my career wondering how- in a week with 168 hours- my client could get lucky enough to schedule an appointment with me during the hour they were in a mental space for therapy.

I wondered if something magical happened as they walked through the door to the office and just poof- ready for healing?

What if they were having a bad day or a bad hour or simply just not really in the mood?

What if therapy could happen in the moment that the client was open and ready for it?  Instead of at this predetermined time on the calendar that we agreed to because we both happened to have that hour available.

Seemed like we were leaving a lot up to chance.

As I understand more the neurobiological mechanisms in therapy and why therapy works, I’m aware that no, it’s not exactly magic and yes, there is something that happens when clients walk through the door that helps them move into a space where they are open for connection and healing.

Some of the time.

I wonder how much percentage of the week therapy takes up?

Well I guess that’s a quick calculation…. 1/168 = 0.6%

0.6% of someone’s week is supposed to create radical change.

The Current Way We Do Therapy Isn’t Really Working- for too many

Y’all- I’m a therapist and I’ve be a part of therapy that makes unbelievable change in people’s lives.  My own and my clients.  Without question for many, many people the hour-a-week of therapy model works great.

But you know what?

For many many people it doesn’t.

Not to mention the fact that we are smack dab in the middle of a mental health crisis where we don’t have even close to enough therapists for everyone seeking therapy.  Not even close.

When I trained to be a therapist who works with kids, guess how many hours of training I got in working with parents?  Families?

If you’re a child therapist, you know the answer.

Essentially- none.

Bringing Families In

I became a therapist because I love kids. I’m great with them.  I get them.  I told my own therapist once “they just make so much sense to me.”

Luckily, my first good professional mentor was 100% committed to the truth that parents don’t sit in the waiting room.  They are in the office.  With us.

That seemed a bit scary to me but being negatively judged by my new mentor seemed more scary so I started bringing parents into the office.

Want to know what I discovered?

I loooooooove working with parents.

I actually basically adore them.

And they need to be adored. Just like their kids.

Also – it seemed pretty obvious to me that kids would benefit from having all 168 hours of their life be a little different.  Not just the one hour they were with me.

Working with Parents Meant they Learned:

  • New ways of playing with their kids
  • New ways to respond to challenging behavior
  • How important they are in their child’s life
  • I believed they were amazing
  • I was on their team
  • New ways of being with their children (because that’s way more important than the doing)

And if you’re interested in clinical research, it does indeed show that children make faster progress in therapy if their parents and caregivers are involved.

Having parents actively involved in the process meant they learned ways to offer their children moments of healing throughout the week.

What is a Moment of Healing

A moment of healing happens when a child is beginning to get dysregulated and the parent takes a breath, pauses, and looks at their child with new eyes.  Eyes that say “you’re struggling” instead of eyes that say “you’re misbehaving.”

A moment of healing happens when a parent implements an idea of a rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and somatosensory experience that helps the child transition from toothbrushing to PJ time.

A moment of healing happens when a parent sees their child struggling with homework and instead of saying “If you would just concentrate and do your homework this would be over by now” (hey no shame there, I only know that phrase because I’ve said it a lot, to my own kid) they say something like “HEY!  I’ll be you can’t beat me in arm wrestling!” and assumes the ‘let’s arm wrestle!’ position, or they give their kid a double-bubble bubble gum to chew on.

A moment of healing happens when parents feel empowered to meet their child’s needs because I’ve been so clear with them how important they are to their child.

A moment of healing happens because parents get from me from I what I know they want to give their children.  Presence.  Attunement.  Compassion.  Capacity to hold all of their parts.

A moment of healing happens because when parents and kids walk through my door they understand- implicitly because something just feels different in my office and explicitly because I actually have word art that expresses this- that every single part of them is welcome in my office.  That all true selves are loveable.

All True Selves are Loveable

Candyce Ossefort Russel, LPC-S

When parents begin to believe that about themselves, they begin to stay more regulated for their kids.

They begin to believe that about their kids.  That all of their parts of welcome and their true self is loveable and worthy of love.

They see their kids a little differently.  They respond a little differently.

And they do this in the 167 hours a week that I’m not with them.

Now I have a child (and frankly, grown-ups too and they matter just as much to me!) who is getting thousands of moments of healing throughout the week.  Not a couple of moments that happen in one hour, once a week.

Making Big Change in the World

So I decided to change the way every mental health provider in the whole world does therapy.

Just kidding.  Kind of.

The hour-a-week of therapy model is probably beyond my capacity to change.  But you know what I can change?

I can reach more parents, outside the therapy office, and give them what they need to give their kid moments of healing.

This is my greatest joy of maybe my entire life.

To see how the culmination of all of my experience, trainings, and yes- extreme privilege and good fortune- have allowed me to create the structure for a thriving virtual community of parents all over the world.  Parents who now, because of The Club, have more capacity than they did (because of the connection and co-regulation they are getting!) to give their kids the moments of healing they need.

They also believe that the moments of healing matter.  Parents have learned- because we taught them when we don’t include them in meetings, therapy, and treatment planning- that they don’t really matter.  That me, a stranger, matters more to their child’s healing.  It’s my job to un-teach them that.

Parents.  You matter.  You matter completely.

And you aren’t meant to do it alone. 

You know what else I can do?

Encourage professionals to bring parents closer.   Teach them how.  Empower them.  Inspire confidence.

Help them grow their own window-of-tolerance so they can hold more energy in the room.

Give them the skills to connect with even the hardest-to-connect with families.

The kids who are the hardest to connect with are usually the ones who have been hurt the most by connection and therefore need connection the most.

The same thing is true about the parents.

Parents Need Moments of Healing, Too

I had an AHA moment when I was attending the Rising Tide conference this fall (not to mention basically the best three days of my entire summer).

Parents need moments of healing, too.

One benefit of having parents very involved in their child’s therapy experience is that parents would get what I could call ‘their weekly dose of co-regulation’.  A week is a loooooong time for a parent to go alone, navigating the extremely challenging behaviors of their child in addition to regular every day life stressors.

By the time the next week rolled around, parents needed me to welcome all their frustration, all their overwhelm, even all their anger and hopelessness.

Then they’d get seen and known.  Their cup of co-regulation would get filled.  They’d go back out into the world and be able to give their kids what they needed for a few more days.

Then we’d do it again the next week.

It was lovely.

What if Parents Could Get That More?

What if they could get that more because there are more therapists, coaches, helpers and healers trained to give it??

What if they could get that more because there was a place for them to get that beyond the once-a-week therapy space?

I know there are a lot of you who get that from reading this blog and listening to the podcast.  I know because you write and tell me.  You have literally told me you get your daily dose of co-regulation by popping in your ear buds and listening to an episode.

I know a lot of you listening get those doses of co-regulation in The Club.  Those of you in The Club also get to GIVE those doses of co-regulation and turns out, that’s actually a super important part of this process.

Moments of Healing

Makes so much sense, right?

Of course we all need moments of healing sprinkled all throughout our lives.  Just regular, every day life.

Yes, therapy is awesome.

I’m a big fan 😊

For myself, my family, for everyone who has access to it.

But not everyone does.

And many of the people who do need more than an hour a week, cramming in as many moments as possible- which is hard because we also need many moments of rest in between moments of healing.

Moments of Healing

Moments of healing change kids.  They change parents.  They change the helpers.

Moments of healing change the world.

Robyn

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Trauma Informed Occupational Therapy {EP 52}


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Marti Smith, OTR is an Occupational Therapist, fellow with the Child Trauma Academy, and founding Board Member with A-TROT, the Alliance for Trauma Responsive Occupational Therapists.   Marti is a dear friend and close colleague.  We met what feels like eons ago at a Trust Based Relational Intervention training and became quick friends.  I’ve learned so much from Marti in my own career about chasing the ‘why’ behind a behavior–  and not just the relational and attachment need, but the biological and physiological need behind a behavior.

Keep reading or listen on the podcast

The Brain is Behind Everything We Do

The foundation of my work rests on the idea that the brain is behind every single thing that we do- so let’s get curious about what is going on the brain that is underneath a specific behavior (which is the foundation of the course Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain).  Marti’s work as an occupational therapist beautifully dovetails the work I do as a mental health therapist while also offering a new perspective by looking at the physical body and autonomic nervous system factors that are related to behaviors.

Marti’s expertise in the Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics helps keep her focus on the foundation of the brain as a way to support kids with challenging behaviors.  She knows keenly that the foundation of any skill must be strengthened before moving on to more advanced skills.  I mean, if you want to do calculus you’ve got to have addition down-pat!

The Overlap Between Mental Health and the Body

Mental health practitioners!  Listen up!

The body is a part of your domain.

Promise.  We are not occupational therapists and we have different goals and skills—of course!  But the mind and the body are not separate entities.  As mental health practitioners, we are greatly remiss not to being paying attention to the body.  We’ve got support our clients in coming into their body, themselves, and regulation if we want to move on to relational and cognitive skills.  Get the training you need and don’t be afraid to bring the body into the therapy room!

If you need more training, come to my Engaging the Body training on October 15 and 16!

We want to go as foundational as possible, always.  Again- we wouldn’t teach calculus without a strong foundation in addition.

If we want to teach relational and social skills to children, we have to make sure we haven’t skipped over regulation.  If there is a strong foundation, great!  Move right on to relational skills.  If you are good at addition (and a lot of other things, too) go on to calculus.  But if there isn’t a strong foundation, you have to start there- at the bottom.

It’s a Five Lane Freeway

In this episode, Marti and I have a bit of a soapbox on how occupational therapists and mental health practitioners can support one another and how much cross-over there is between these disciplines.  It’s not uncommon to hear practitioners say something to the effect of “Stay in your own lane.” Marti laughingly says to that “It’s a five-lane freeway!” Great occupational therapists have great relational skills.  Great mental health practitioners have great skills at working with the body.

In my therapy room, when kids are demonstrating difficult behaviors and I can see that this is about regulation as opposed to poor character or immature relationship skills, and I support their regulation instead of teach relational skills, the child experiences feeling very seen and known.  Finally.

That’s therapy 😊

As an aside, having a basic knowledge in the body and typical development helps us mental health professionals know when to make an appropriate referral to occupational therapy.

Rhythmic Movements

Here we are talking about rhythm again!  Marti teaches us that when you are with a child whose words, tone, and actions are very rhythmic, you have a good indication that that child is operating out of their lowest parts of their brain.  Rhythmic outbursts of “I. HATE. YOU.” sound different than a moody and perhaps snide “I hate you.”  and can provide clues about where the child is in their brain.

If you can, listen to the podcast because Marti gives great examples that are hard to convey in the written word.

Match with Rhythm

When our kids demonstrate that they are operating out of the lower parts of their brain, match them with rhythm.  Use rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and somatosensory experiences to help co-organize and co-regulate them!  Be a very keen observer.  Notice what the child is already doing and see if you can offer them an experience that will help co-organize and co-regulate their movements.

You have a kid who is flipping upside down?  They are giving us a clue about what their body is craving in order to be OK.

Offer a way to co-regulate the flipping upside down!  Play wheelbarrow or have a handstand contest.  See how many summersaults it takes to get to the other side of the room.

All behavior makes sense.  Lean in and offer support to help co-organize and co-regulate the behavior so the child can come into connection and regulation.

As an aside, this is what I teach to therapists in the Engaging the Body online course.  I’ll be teaching these concepts in The Club October thru December in our series focus on Strengthening the Foundation of the Brain.

The Power of Mirroring

Marti reminds us of the power of mirror neurons.  If you- the adult or the parent- begins to mirror the child’s body you:

  1. Get to feel what the child is feeling and often this gives you great information about what the child is trying to do or what they need
  2. Help the child feel mirrored and increase the possibility that the child will then mirror you and do your movements that are more regulated and organized.

Behaviors and movements make sense- in some way.  They aren’t bad kids.  They are kids who need help.

Changing how we see kids changing kids.  Help them be seen as a child who needs help and whose behaviors make sense given what is happening inside their body, instead of as a child who has bad behaviors who is destructive.

Mirroring our kids’ body movements is a great tool in times of dysregulation but also in times of regulation.  I have a sweet video I show in my Engaging the Body course where I’m dancing with a little one and I spontaneously start to mirror her dance moves.  The delight in her eyes when she realizes I’m doing what she’s doing is powerful to see.

Occupational Therapy versus Psychotherapy

Many parents- and therapists- often ask me which one they should choose if they can’t do both occupational therapy and psychotherapy at the same time.  It’s a huge investment in time, resources, and energy to engage in both therapies at the same time.

I told Marti that I always recommend that families start with occupational therapy if both occupational therapy and psychotherapy assessments recommend treatment and they can only do one at a time.  Marti laughed with relief that she didn’t have to disagree with me on my own podcast.

She agreed that starting with occupational therapy is starting with the foundation.  Start there. 

Family-Based Occupational Therapy

One of my many favorite things about Marti- besides the fact that clearly she is delightful, creative, and a ton of fun- is her approach to working with families.  When I was practicing in Austin, Marti was frequently involved in my treatment plans for kids and families because Marti takes a very family-focused approach.  Instead of bringing children to the clinic once a week for months of treatment, Marti works closely with families and teaches them how to create ‘moments of healing’ at home.

Marti explains how the hour-a-week therapy model was developed for many reasons but one was because of how the brain heals in physical rehab.

With the type of work that Marti does with kids and families, the brain needs many tiny, frequent doses of healing with frequent breaks in between.  Not once a week of focused therapy, but moments throughout each day, with lots of breaks for rest and integration in between.  Because of this, Marti works closely with parents and teaches them how to integrate her recommendations in their regular, every day lives.  Marti is so great at finding fun, creative ways to make therapeutic experiences just feel like play- not therapy.

A-TROT

Marti is a founding board member of The Alliance of Trauma Responsive OTs – A-TROT–  a new, grass-roots organization whose mission is to provide targeted professional support that equips occupational therapists to deliver trauma-responsive care.  Marti believes that one aspect of being trauma-responsive is to include parents in their child’s treatment, equipping them to provide ‘moments of healing’ for their children in high-frequency but short-duration doses through the week- not just in 45 minutes of OT therapy once a week.

If you are an occupational therapist, check out what’s brewing over at the A-TROT website and join them over the in the Trauma Informed Occupational Therapists Facebook Group (OTs only).

KALMAR

Marti- in all her creativity and genius- is also the developer of an online assessment, KALMAR, a tool to help identify therapeutic activities and approaches that are most likely to have positive outcomes based on observations made by caregivers. The theory for the tool is based on work by Dr. Bruce Perry and his NMT model from ChildTrauma Academy as well as the TBRI method from The Karyn Purvis Institute for Child Development.  Marti’s husband- a software programmer- helped her develop an assessment that lets you put in your child’s behaviors and then offers up specific recommendations.  It’s really amazing.

The Connected Therapist

In June 2021, Marti published her book The Connected Therapist in response to an overwhelming need for parents to have Marti in their back pocket 😊

Like so many of us, Marti has found herself giving similar recommendations over and over again. With the encouragement of mentors, Marti ultimately decided that writing a book was a great way for her to reach more families.  This book is a must-read for all parents but parents of kids with a history of trauma will feel immediately seen by this book.  Marti is exceptionally practical.  She has a talent for making recommendations that are accessible and fun.  The book could certainly be read cover to cover but it could also be used a reference book- just flip to the page you need!

Marti is my first podcast guest to have a repeat appearance on the podcast.  I’m sure it’s obvious why.  Marti is brilliant, delightful, and talented- and she loves you and your kids as much as I do. Go check out all the amazing resources she offers out into the world and if you meet Marti, tell her I introduced y’all!

Connect with Marti

Marti is doing some truly ground-breaking work within his community- go check it out!

https://CreativeTherapies.com

The Connected Therapist

Trauma Tips Video Podcast

KALMAR

More about Rhythmic, Repetitive, Relational, and Somatosensory Experiences

Engaging the Body: Working with Dysregulated Kids is an eight-hour virtual training for professionals (of any kind!) eager to bring movement and body-based experiences intentionally into their work with clients.  I’ve adapted my previously always-sold-out training for play therapists to be applicable to a wider range of professionals and decided to offer it virtually one last time.

The Club– Beginning in October in The Club, we’ll be taking three months to integrate rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and somatosensory experience into moments of healing in the family- strengthening the foundation of the brain.  You can join The Club as a caregiver and/or a professional (I know many of you are both!).

Robyn

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Equine-Assisted Trauma Informed Psychotherapy {EP 51}


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My guest on this week’s podcast is Michael Remole, a mental health therapist in Central Illinois who integrates trauma-informed equine assisted psychotherapy into his work with clients.

A horse-lover since childhood, Michael was working on his master’s degree in counseling when he realized he could integrate his love for horses with his passion for working with people who had experienced trauma.  Michael is now the COO and Director of Clinical Services at Gateway Family Services.  He is trained in Natural Lifemanship as well as Dr. Bruce Perry’s Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics, which is focused on strengthening the foundation of the brain- especially the brainstem and diencephalon.  Michael is also the founder and director of the Rising Tide Conference.

Keep reading or listen on the podcast

A Roadmap of the Brain

Michael kicks of the conversation by talking about how the Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics provides a roadmap of brain development.  According to the NMT, if we to help strengthen the brain (ourselves, our clients, or our children’s brain), we have to connect with the part of the brain that’s online in that moment.   Michael stated that if he wants to connect to a horse – or human!- who is operating from the lowest part of it’s brain in a fight or flight response, Michael has to “speak the language of the brainstem”, which is rhythmic, patterned, and repetitive sensory input.  While he’s working with horses, that could translate into how is swinging a rope or patting his legs- in a rhythmic, patterned, repetitive, sensory input.

When horses are in survival-mode, they have a very difficult time accessing their ‘thinking’ parts of the brain.  They need humans to be predictable as a way to communicate safety!

This, of course, is true of humans, too.

The Beauty of Equine Assisted Therapy

The beauty of equine assisted therapy is that if the client (the human) wants to connect with the horse, they must convey their safety to the horse, allowing the horse to feel regulated and safe.  This means the client must learn to pay attention to their own internal state and to the non-verbal cues that they are offering the horse.  At the same time, they must learn how to accurately interpret and respect the non-verbal cues that the horse is offering.

Helping clients develop internal awareness, honor it, and have their inner state become congruent with their outer state is a foundational aspect of working with people who have a history of trauma.

Insides and Outsides Matching

I loved this part of the interview!  In my own work with clients, especially parents, I regularly talk about how important it is to have their “insides and outsides match.”  Meaning- it’s crucial for parents to honor their true emotional state and not fake being calm.

Pretending not to be mad on the outside when you’re fuming on the inside is a good strategy if it means that nobody gets physically hurt, but it isn’t a good long-term strategy because it sends DANGER DANGER cues to the other person.  Since a core aspect of my work involves helping children move into the ‘connected’ part of their brain instead of the ‘protected’ part of their brain by inviting them into felt-safety, it’s important that parents practice having their ‘insides and outsides’ match.

A Predator

Michael offered a new layer to this concept when he described how horses interpret this incongruence to mean that the person is a predator.  Something about Michael’s use of the word ‘predator’ really hit home in a new way how this incongruence is experience by the other individual (or horse!) as a cue of danger.

We must find ways to come into congruence and connection with ourselves if we want to create an environment of safe for our children or our clients.  Working the horses provides a great laboratory to practice this inner attunement and self-knowing.

If you’re a long-time listen to the blog, you are recognizing this conversation of congruence from the podcast episode with Lisa Dion- check that episode out (Regulated Doesn’t Mean Calm) when you’re done with this one!

Dr. Perry reminds us how important predictability is in establishing safety and helping dysregulated people become more regulated.  Being in relationship with someone who has a mismatch in their ‘insides and outsides’ contributes to a lack of predictability because it becomes very difficult to make a guess about what is going to happen next.

The same is true about our kids!

With horses, the motivation to practice this authenticity is high because horses, frankly, are big and dangerous.  This high motivation gives us great opportunities to practice these important skills of authenticity.  We can say to our kids, or friends, anyway “Hey, I just want to let you know- I just had a distressing experience.  I’m feeling it in my body.  I’m OK but you’re probably noticing I’m a little off and I want you to know it isn’t about you.”

The reality is that it is very hard to show up this authentically in relationship.  It’s hard, but it’s important.  Working with horses, where it’s non-negotiable that we show up this authentically, gives us wonderful opportunities to practice this very important relationship skill.

What’s the Magic of Equine Therapy

Most of us don’t have a lot of experience being in close relationship with horses.  This means we don’t have a lot of previous neural pathways about what horse behavior means. In our relationships with other humans, it’s easy to interpret their behavior as personal because we have a lot of history having relationship with humans.  There are a lot of neural pathways!  And we quickly and easily assume that other people’s behavior has something to do with us.  With horses, we don’t get our personal feelings involved and we can interpret the horses’ cues more ‘cleanly’ and accurately.

So much of parenting- parenting in general but especially kids with a history of trauma- is about accurately interpreting their behaviors simply as manifestations of the child’s autonomic state.  All of us parents have our own ‘stuff’ that gets in the way and we instead of being able to cleanly see behavior as simply information about their autonomic state, we interpret behaviors as rude or disrespectful or many other negative connotations.

In my Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain course there is significant emphasis on what I call “X-Ray vision goggles”- helping parents see underneath the behavior to what is driving the behavior.

Working with horses provides an opportunity to practice viewing behavior without interpreting it relationally or personally.  Horses aren’t rude or disrespectful; they are behaving in a way that is congruent with their autonomic state.  To help the horse behave more relationally, we have to change their autonomic state to be experiencing safety and regulation.

Attunement

For me to attune to you, I must attune to myself first.

Dr. Stephen Porges (Polyvagal Theory) teaches that the foundation of therapeutic change is the therapist’s attunement to themselves.

Does that feel surprising? It’s common to believe that the foundation for therapeutic change is how much we know or what protocols we practice.

But the foundation for change is attunement and for attunement to someone else to truly happen we have to first attune to ourselves.

Working with horses is a great way to develop the skill of attunement to self. 

Celebrate those wins!

One of my favorite parts of this interview is when Michael reminds us that when a horse finally does what we are asking it to do (for example, wear a saddle), the humans are quick to celebrate. We easily give the horse a lot of praise and allow both of us- the horse and ourselves- moments to enjoy the success.

We definitely don’t say to a horse “Now wouldn’t that have been easier if you’d just done it this way in the first place?”

But with our kids?!  When my son finally does the dishes or finally does his homework, it’s so easy for me to resist celebrating that and instead to say something like “Now wouldn’t that have been easier if you had just done it that way in the first place?”

The challenge with that response is that it eliminates the feel-good chemicals and experience of “YAY!  You did it!”

If we skip over those feel-good chemicals, we skip over an important piece of how the brain changes.

Our kids don’t always have to love the requests we give them- like doing the dishes.  Neither does the horse.

We our kids express their unhappy feelings in our request, it often feels like we only have two options for how to respond: either we relinquish our request or we plow forward without any compassion.

We can be with our kids while they have a valid protest.

I mean, who really wants to do the dishes? It’s OK to be unhappy about that. But the protest doesn’t mean we skip doing the dishes.  It just means that there’s a valid feeling that the adults can offer co-regulation through.

Then, return to the request.  It’s time to do the dishes. 

Rhythm, Horses, and Co-Regulation

Being on a horse offers an immediate rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and somatosensory experience.  It is an experience that implicitly lends itself to strengthening the foundation of the brain.

But what about when our kids are dysregulated over doing the dishes?  There is no horse we can mount in most of our kitchens!  Definitely not mine.

Equine Therapy in Real Life

Michael helps us take the concepts of equine therapy and bring it into real life.

First, he reminds us of the importance of the rhythm of our heartbeats.  As parents, if our kids are starting to get dysregulated, we want to try to keep our heartbeat and our breath regulated and rhythmic.  Humans can feel the rhythm of one another’s heartbeats, so let’s always start by paying attention to our own.

This is especially true if your child is reluctant to engage in any more active rhythmic, repetitive, relational, somatosensory experiences such as going for a walk.

Parents can slowly sway back and forth, or tap on their own legs, or focus on keep their voice rhythmic.

These experiences not only can help to regulate our children- even without them directly participating, but they keep us as parents regulated!!!

Focus on Self First

I love how Michael is so encouraging of parents focusing on their own regulation.  He’s clear that it’s OK – more than OK, it’s necessary! – for a parent to call a pause when they are starting to feel dysregulated.

“Hey, I’m starting to feel dysregulated.  I’m going to walk to the mailbox and when I return, we’ll chat again.”

I love this example because it’s rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and somatosensory but also because it’s exactly what I do at my house.  We have a long driveway and are fortunate to live in a beautiful, wooded area.  The walk up and down my driveway is gorgeous.  During the pandemic, I’ve created a ritual for myself of having a few minutes of regulation every afternoon while I simply walk to the mailbox.

More Ideas to Bring in Rhythm

Rocking chairs can be a great way to experience rhythm.  Sitting on exercise balls can resemble being mounted on a horse.  Michael said that gliders are an excellent thing to have in the house- maybe even more than a rocking chair because gliders don’t get as out-of-control as rocking chairs can.

Active versus Passive Co-Regulation

The examples that Michael gives about parents focusing on their own regulation, breathing rhythmically, swaying in a patterned way, is about providing passive co-regulation to their child (though it’s actively regulating themselves as parents!).  The child doesn’t have to actively participate or engage with their caregiver to experience the benefits of passive co-regulation.

Inviting our children to get involved in a rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and somatosensory experience like taking a walk or tossing a ball back and forth can be a great experience of active co-regulation.

But if they won’t participate, don’t give up!  We can offer passive rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and somatosensory experiences and it matters.

Why Good Times can Suddenly Go Bad

Toward the end of the interview, Michael touches on how even positive and fun experiences can create dysregulation.  Unfortunately, we didn’t have enough time to dive deeply into this topic, but I’m sure some of you are very interested in understanding why fun can cause dysregulation.  I’ll bring Michael back to the podcast in the future for sure, but in the meantime, check out a blog post and podcast episode I did previously on Why Good Times Can Suddenly Go Bad.

Connect with Michael

Michael is doing some truly ground-breaking work within his community- go check it out!

Gateway Family Services

Gateway Family Services on Facebook

Rising Tide Conference

More about about Rhythmic, Repetitive, Relational, and Somatosensory Experiences

Engaging the Body: Working with Dysregulated Kids is an eight-hour virtual training for professionals (of any kind!) eager to bring movement and body-based experiences intentionally into their work with clients.  I’ve adapted my previously always-sold-out training for play therapists to be applicable to a wider range of professionals and decided to offer it virtually one last time.

The Club– Beginning in October in The Club, we’ll be taking three months to integrate rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and somatosensory experience into moments of healing in the family- strengthening the foundation of the brain.  You can join The Club as a caregiver and/or a professional (I know many of you are both!).

Robyn

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