Why Good Times Suddenly Go Bad {EP 32}

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Big things, like their birthday party, major holiday celebration at Grandma’s, or a vacation to Disney World.

Little things, like Trunk or Treat at church, an afternoon at Jumpoline, or even recess.

Why is it that your child can actually be having fun and seem to be having a great time, and then fall into a crater of dysregulation-seemingly in the blink of an eye? 

You feel whiplashed.  Maybe resentful.  Certainly grieved that for some reason, your sweet family and your precious child are missing out on some of the most anticipated, and seemingly normal, moments of their childhood.  Of being a family.

Why do some of those best times turn so bad?

To get to the heart of this, let’s first review the concept of neuroception (you can also check out No  Behavior is Maladaptive to read a little more about neuroception!).

Neuroception is the phenomenon underneath felt safety.  The lower, unconscious, and faster-than-cognitive-thoughts parts of our brain are scanning for danger an estimated FOUR TIMES every second.  Every ¼ of a second (at least), the brain is asking “Safe?? Not safe?!?!?!”  Based on the answer to this question- four times every second!!!- our brain and nervous system shift into either connection mode or protection mode. 

Connection or Protection?

Our desperate-to-survive-above-all-else brains have a negativity bias- meaning that if it is going to make a mistake, it is going to err on the side of deciding something was NOT SAFE even if it actually was SAFE.  Our brilliant brains also supercharge threatening experiences in our memory systems so that when we successfully fight off a sabre tooth tiger, the next time we see even a glimmer of a sabre tooth in our peripheral vision, we immediately access the memory networks that will help us claim victory once again. 

The brain isn’t really that concerned with if the sabre tooth in your periphery is actually just a harmless kitty cat from your favorite next-door neighbor.  Since the brain’s job is to keep you ALIVE, it is fine with you overreacting to the neighbor’s kitty cat as opposed to underreacting to the life-threatening sabre tooth tiger that roams your suburban neighborhood. 

Danger Danger!!!

Remember Pavlov from that psychology class in high school? Pavlov was able to get dogs to salivate to a sound of a bell by repeatedly pairing that sound with their dinner.  The dogs started to connect the sound of a bell to “DINNER!!!!” …even though there really isn’t any relationship between the two (outside that lab experiment). 

Some of your kids have paired “DANGER” with things that aren’t actually dangerous (the telephone ringing)- because, at one point in time, that thing WAS dangerous (maybe the phone rang and at that same moment, they witnessed horrible domestic violence). 

Or maybe everything was dangerous. 

So this might help you begin to figure out why certain fun experiences actually turn your kid into a dysregulated mess.  Think about those environments and be curious- is anything in that environment something that was previously paired with danger for my child?  Sounds? Smells?

I’m kinda a geek about memory science and because I love it so much and want to share it with anyone who will listen, I made a three-part video series on the impact of Trauma on Memory and Behaviors.  Go check it out, if you haven’t already.  It’s FREE.

The Power of Internal and External Cues

But there is one more reallllllly important thing to think about.

The brain and neuroception are interested in both EXTERNAL cues (discussed above) and INTERNAL cues.

Heart rate. 

Respiration. 

Cortisol levels. 

Sympathetic activation. 

All those things change when your child is having a great time. 

Recess?!?!  Definite increase in heart rate, respiration, and sympathetic activation. 

Birthday party?!?!?  Increase. 

Well….all of those things also increase during a fight/flight/freeze DANGER DANGER response. 

Fight or Flight Response

As your child’s heart rate elevates- as sympathetic arousal elevates due to excitement, or in order to power your child’s body through the energy-required gross motor activities of the birthday party- your child’s brain is still scanning for danger. 

This time- the danger might actually be coming from INSIDE your child’s body.

Just like Pavlov can pair a bell with salivation, your child’s body can pair increased heart rate with “I’m about to die.” 

The switch is flipped and all those fun times turn IMMEDIATELY into dysregulation.

Dysregulation is fueled by the fact that your child is already in sympathetic activation- so the dysregulation might be BIG.

All of the sudden, everyone is out to hurt your child. 

An innocent bump on the trampoline causes your child to retaliate with a fist because his brain believed it was an attack. Or the sweet fun your child was having turns a bit maniacal.  It’s out of control. Your child suddenly can’t hear or listen or stop doing the outrageously impulsive thing she is doing. 

The brain is scanning for danger outside AND inside the body.

Early in your child’s life, sympathetic activation only meant DANGER.  It didn’t mean fun or shared pleasure.  Only danger. 

The really great news is that this pairing can be undone.  It takes time, patience, and perhaps a skilled therapist, but mostly a patient and attuned parent who can help the brain re-learn that an increased heart rate can just mean there is a TON of fun happening. 

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Parents Need Co-Regulation, Too! {EP 24}


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When I’m falling (crashing!) outside my window of stress tolerance, I need help.

For years and years, my therapist offered me the co-regulation I needed.  And needed it, I did.  If it had been socially appropriate (or uh, legal), I would have lived in my therapist’s waiting room.  For years. 

I used to be embarrassed to admit that.

It felt so needy.  Small.  Embarrassing. 

What’s embarrassing about being human?

We all need co-regulation.

Me.  You.

When our kids are getting dysregulated quickly, flipping their lids a lot, or having mountain reactions out of mole-hill sized problems, what they need is more connection and co-regulation.

Do you know any adults right now getting dysregulated quickly?  Flipping their lids…a lot?  Having mountain reactions out of mole-hill sized problems???

I’m asking for a friend 😉

Adult brains and kid brains are different for sure, but in this way, we are the same.  Lots of lid flipping and mountains out of mole hills simply means there’s a brain that needs more help.  More support. More connection. More co-regulation. 

When two nervous systems come together in the space between, their windows of stress tolerance dance together.  A more regulated nervous system can lend their regulation to the other.  Isn’t that lovely?

Sometimes it’s a very active process.

It might sound like “Can I get you something to drink?” “How can I help?” “Do you want to go for a walk?”

It might sound like “Wow.  That’s super hard.” “Of course you feel that way.” “That makes so much sense to me.” “I think what I’m hearing you say is this…am I getting that right?”

It might sound like a breath.  It might feel like a touch of the hand.  It might look like eyes that are reflecting back your pain.

Sometimes it’s a more passive process.

It’s the energy in the air that exists between you and your friend, partner, neighbor, therapist.  It’s energy that exists when you are together and eventually becomes energy you can access when you aren’t physically together.

If you are parenting a child with a history trauma, a child with any brain-based difference, a child with a fragile mental health, a child with baffling and confusing behaviors, a child who seems to feel hurt by connection, a child with a special need…

You need connection and co-regulation.

You deserve connection and co-regulation.

You deserve to be seen and held and known.

You deserve to offer that same “I see you” to someone else who is struggling- but the giving is sometimes just as needed and powerful as the receiving. 

Something fascinating started to happen last summer. 

I started to get emails and social media comments and messages that were basically people telling me I was offering them co-regulation.

Strangers.  People I never met.  That’s the only way we knew each other.

They were telling me they were hearing my voice in their head when things were hard.

A soothing voice.  A compassionate voice.  A voice that helped them stay grounded even just a second or two longer.  Sometimes that second or two makes all the difference in the world, right?

I was thrilled. 

The kinda thrilled that has a weird giggle that seems to come out of nowhere. 

These emails were like rocket fuel.  They filled a tank that I’m not even sure I knew I had let alone knew it was starting to get close to empty. 

We started an official dance of serve and return.  An official dance of co-regulation.  Me and you. 

I couldn’t believe yet I also knew in my bones that of course we could do this.

We are doing this. 

It is soul-filling for me.  I needed the return more than I knew I needed it.  The loneliness of the pandemic.  A complete pivot in my business.  Some of the most difficult six months in my personal life that were leaving me feeling extremely alone and sometimes even hopeless. 

You sent a return to me.

So I kept serving. 

On my blog.  On my podcast!!!  And in The Club.

Then something extra cool started to happen.  I started to see- how did I miss it before???- that y’all are giving this to each other, too.

Sometimes it’s just energetic as there are alllll these people alllllllll over the world who are reading the blog or listening to the same podcast episode.

Sometimes you are engaging with each other on Facebook and Instagram.  Sometimes just your comment gets seen by someone else and it literally changes their whole day.  Maybe more.

And we are deliberately and intentionally doing this in The Club, which has become my greatest joy; my greatest soul-filler. 

It’s changing me, and it’s changing YOU.  It’s the connection and co-regulation you have longed for, and maybe didn’t even know it. 

Connection and co-regulation is what we believe changes our kids brains, so why wouldn’t we believe it changes our brains too? 

And why wouldn’t we prioritize it over just about anything?????

In this moment as I write this blog, I imagine my energy going out to you.

I imagine you reading it.

I imagine that energy coming back to me.

I imagine that you hear my voice in your head.  As you read this blog, you begin to internalize me.

Your brain is changing.  My brain is changing. 

I am in awe of this…it’s truly beyond words.

So let’s just feel.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Undoing Aloneness {EP 22}


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There’s a moment of energetic meeting between two people that is the sweetest most human experience possible.

In that moment, there’s a breath of

I exist. 

You exist. 

You are with me. 

I am not alone.

In that moment, there’s an intertwining of energies as the silent dance of co-regulation begins.  

These moments are not a luxury.  These moments are a necessity.

Parents of kids with a history of relational and complex trauma are some of the loneliest people I’ve ever known.

The well of aloneness is deep when you are parenting a child who’s own history in relationships means they are terrified of that sweet moment of energetic meeting.

These deeply wounded precious sweet children crave this moment with their entire being in a way that would overwhelm them if they acknowledged it. 

These deeply wounded precious sweet children match the intensity of that craving with an intensity of complete rejection.

Rejection of themselves and rejection of those who try to meet them in a space of connection.

Humans exist whether someone acknowledges that existence or not.

But we only KNOW we exist because someone acknowledges our existence. 

Because someone meets us in that space of connection. 

Someone brings their existence and touches ours.  

When children experience deep pain in their earliest relationship- pain of being hurt, pain of being ignored and unseen,

pain of being present with adults who were so dysregulated they weren’t energetically present for their child-

they do not have the necessary experience of having their existence acknowledged. 

So even though they do indeed exist, they hardly have any moments of experiencing that they exist.  It makes existence slippery. 

The possibility of not existing is felt and real and utterly annihilatingly terrifying.  

When you aren’t sure you exist, you desperately crave confirmation that you do

while also desperately doing everything possible to avoid confirmation that you do.

Parenting, loving, and attempting to create moments of connection with this deeply wounded precious sweet child is a profoundly lonely journey. And then….absolutely no one gets it.

It’s an experience that unless you have direct experience with, unless you can hold the felt sense of it in your own heart and mind and body, it’s impossible to truly understand.

The loneliness in parenting becomes compounded when the loneliness isn’t seen. The loneliness is traumatic.

It leaves an imprint on our spirits that wreaks havoc on our health (physical and mental) and our relationships (with others, and with ourselves).  

I’m writing this for the parents who are longing to feel seen.  

I see you.

I’m writing this for the professionals who

have the great privilege and honor of meeting with these parents.  

They need you to see them.  

In fact, it’s really the only thing they need from you.

They need you to feel comfortable with the truth that you have no idea how to help them.  They need you to feel comfortable with the truth that bringing healing to children who have experienced relational trauma is a loooooooong road without many moments that confirm you are the right road.  They need you to feel comfortable with the enormity of the intensity of both them and their child.  

Being uncertain of your own existence in the world is overwhelming.  When it comes into your office, you could become swallowed by the overwhelm or you could welcome the overwhelm, hold it, be with it, see it. 

Undoing aloneness is your number one goal.

Undoing aloneness in families where it’s possible that the chaos and overwhelm won’t ever change might be your only goal.

It’s profoundly healing to not be alone.

It’s profoundly healing to have someone meet you there and say

“I am not afraid.  I will be with you here.

  I will confront my own feelings of helplessness

and be with you right here.  I will not go.”

Parents of kids with relational trauma are desperate for things to change.  They also have a terror and a knowing that it’s possible things won’t.  Yes, they want us- the therapists and professionals- to help things change.  But yes, they also do know that it’s maybe not possible and what they really want is to feel seen. Known. Not alone.

They want to be met in that energetic space of meeting.

It isn’t a luxury.  It’s a necessity.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Why Do I Get So Dysregulated? {EP 20}


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Or mad? Or scared? Or overwhelmed? Or shut-down?

Why do I make a mountain out of a mole hill?  Why can’t I keep it together?  

Being ignored (or yelled at or cussed at or disrespected or refusing to eat or do a chore or or or or the list is endless) is never going to feel good.  But- have you ever wondered why your brain goes into full on attacking watch dog mode when the reality is- refusing to do a chore, go to school, or even being ignored or yelled at, isn’t life threatening?

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

If it isn’t life threatening, why does our brain go to attack mode?

A mode that really we only need in life threatening circumstances?

We’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the arousal continuum with regard to our kids – but as my friend Eileen Devine says, the brain is the brain is the brain.  And you have one, too 😉

Why does our brain go to attack mode- a mode that is intended to help us survive a life threatening circumstance- if we aren’t in a life threatening situation (and as much as it feels like it’s life threatening, a kid who is refusing to go to school or even yelling and cussing at us isn’t life threatening).

Narrow window of stress tolerance

For all sorts of reasons, many of us are walking around the world with a narrow window of stress tolerance.  Pandemic.  Economic uncertainty.  Virtual school.

Parenting kids with a history of trauma is stressful and overwhelming in the best of circumstances but now some (many?) families are cooped up, have lost their respire, can’t access the limited services they accessed before.  And kids are stressed, isolated, overwhelmed.  Their felt-safety has been shook to the core.  For many kids, this means their trauma-related dysregulation and challenging behaviors are at an all-time high.

There’s only so much we can take. 

Chronic stress and overwhelm- even when it’s not life-threatening- causes our window of stress tolerance to get smaller…and smaller….and smaller…….

When our window of stress tolerance is nice and wide….we can tolerate stress without freaking out.  We have a feeling that matches the stress.  Frustration.  Annoyance. 

To be clear….I’m not implying that when our window of tolerance is wide open we just bop through life like Pollyanna, never being frustrated or irritated.

When our window of stress tolerance is nice and wide, we can handle frustration, annoyance, irritation, nervousness, sadness…without completely losing it.  We can stay connected to the emotion and then use the emotion to help us know what to do next.

Frustration and annoyance might suggest you need to set a boundary.  But when our window of tolerance is nice and wide, we can set the boundary without screaming, yelling, threatening, or becoming overwhelmed.

We are all walking around with small windows of tolerances. 

And mole hills become mountains and teeny tiny little stressors feel like we are being chased by sabre tooth tigers.

Of course now you’re curious about how to increase your window of stress tolerance! 

You can read about playfulness and self-compassion– both which absolutely increase our ability to tolerate stress.

You can also check out The Club – a virtual group of education, connection, and co-regulation.  I teach some pretty cool things in the group but my focus is actually on facilitating and offering connection and co-regulation (because that changes the brain more than education does!!!).

Implicit Memory Awakenings

There’s another reason, too, that to the best of my experience, impacts every human on the planet.

Early early life experiences shape the way we perceive the world and our expectations about how things are going to go.  We adapt to painful experiences in brilliant ways that help us meet our needs the best way we know how and protect us from overwhelming, and often not co-regulated, pain.

Maybe when we were verrrrrry small, our own cries and needs went unanswered.  A lot.  When we are small, having our needs ignored a lot is indeed life threatening.  Our brain experiences the lack of response as something that is very very dangerous.

When we are 40, and our children ignore us, we aren’t in a life threatening situation.  But we have a very intricate and brilliant protective system that is always on alert and trapped in the past- so it can experience being ignored as life threatening and cause a “I’m in life threatening danger!!!!” response.

Maybe when we were verrrrrrry small, ignoring our parents was verrrrrrry dangerous.  We learned that if we didn’t immediately respond, and respond in a way that satisfied them (who knew what that was, but we sure tried!!!) we would get hurt- physically or emotionally.

Now we are 50, and when our children ignore us our own verrrrrrrry wise and still on alert and stuck in the past protective system actually is trying to protect our children by having an enormous reaction that gets a response from them.  It’s not safe to ignore!  I don’t want my child to be unsafe!  When they ignore me, I’m terrified for their safety and will spring in to action so they cannot possibly ignore me!!! (I understand this doesn’t make a lot of sense, practically speaking.  But it makes PERFECT sense to our implicit memories, and sometimes, they take charge).

Obviously, we aren’t consciously thinking these things through.

You see, behaviors are mostly part of our implicit (unconscious) world, too.  We like to think we have a lot of control over our behaviors- and sometimes we do and we can work to have more control- but a lot of behavior is actually implicit and behavioral impulses are triggered in the brain waaaaaaay faster than our conscious explicit mind could stop or pause them.

Consider a behavior your child has that awakens something really intense in you.

Maybe you have a child that is shut-down and seems lazy (I don’t believe in lazy but that’s another blog!!).  Maybe when you were small achievement is how you were safe. Or created your identity.  Or got seen by others.  Not being seen or not having an identity can feel annihilating- life threatening.

Maybe your child gets really rude and sassy and down right disrespectful.  I agree with you that it’s important to speak to each other with respect- so I’m not saying having a reaction to this isn’t warranted- but when we react with intensity, anger, or our own shut-down or ignoring behaviors, we aren’t able to help the real problem- supporting our kids in expressing their needs and feelings in a prosocial way!

Our reaction to their disrespect touches into our past when we learned to tow the line and never express any negative feelings, so that we kept the peace as much as possible.  Or we were treated with such extreme disrespect, but couldn’t have a strong boundary to keep it from happening again, so our bodies and implicit selves now want to react with all the power that we couldn’t when we were small.

Remember.  No behavior is maladaptive.

All behavior makes sense.  This is true of our children, and this is true of US.

You can explore the science behind our implicit awakenings (the stream of the past) in the blog post No Behavior is Maladaptive.

You can dive even further into the impact of memory on behaviors in the blog post Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors, as well as the FREE three-part video series (and short e-book) on Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors. 

Both resources are written with our children in mind, but see if you can read and watch the videos while thinking of yourself- yourself as a child, and yourself now.

This might help your behaviors make more sense.

And when behaviors make sense, we can have more compassion.

And we have more compassion, we create the opportunity for integration in our brain- so that the stream of the past and the present come together equally and we respond in a way that matches the present situation- not in a way that matches our past.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Child always dysregulated? Try this! {EP 18}


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You might be feeling a bit whiplashed.  There are a lot of great trauma-informed, brain-based, connection-based parenting ideas out there- and you’re trying them.

But they just aren’t working.

The verbal aggression isn’t decreasing.  Your child is chronically angry. Or extremely anxious.  Or won’t get out of bed.

It’s pretty hard to offer up connection to a child who is practically spitting anger at you (or maybe even literally spitting).

Living with someone who is chronically dysregulated leaves US chronically dysregulated, so the first step is just to notice that.

Notice how on edge you are. Notice how tired you are.  Notice how afraid or angry you are.

Send yourself a little compassion (or a lot…I mean, just as much as you possible can).

Take a breath.

And realize your child seems pretty stuck in a high alert or fear or even terror state of arousal.  (If you aren’t familiar with Dr. Perry’s levels of arousal, check out THIS blog).

When our kids are that aroused, that dysregulated, that stuck in a place of fear (and I promise this is a place of fear even if it just looks mean or angry or shut-down), the priority is to offer regulation, calm the arousal, and invite the thinking brain back.  That’s it.  No other goal.  Regulation and felt-safety.

If you noticed your own dysregulation and sent yourself compassion, you’re already finished with step #1- though without a doubt, you’ll be continually revisiting this step.

We can’t invite our kids into regulation if we aren’t regulated.

It’s not fair.  It sucks, frankly.  But it’s true.

Next- offer a drink or a snack or something that gets their body moving or in a different state.

Oh MAN this is HARD because this feels like a reward.

But we aren’t thinking about rewarding bad behavior right now because all we are thinking about is supporting regulation.

Offer a drink.

Could be any drink but for many people, extreme temperatures (a smoothie or hot drink) are regulating, and drinking something realllllly thick through a straw is often regulating.

Offer a snack.

Could be any snack (being offered something to eat when you’re not behaving well is often a surprise, and that in and of itself could bring regulation!!) but crunchy snacks, chewy snacks, and sucky snacks (not bad snacks but snacks you suck on- like a jawbreaker or a sucker) can be especially regulating.

Bold flavors, like spicy or sour or super sweet, can also be regulating!

You’ll have to do some experimenting here, to see what really works for you child.

Entice them into some body movement.

A thumb war or arm wrestling or a some quick hoops in the driveway or a living room dance party or crashing onto the bed or couch.  A small fidget.  Play-doh.  Cooking or baking (now we’re getting in movement and a snack…)

If your kid seems to be in chronic alarm or fear based levels of arousal, be extremely consistent with food, drink, and movement.  Prioritize these things over almost anything else.

Create structure, routine, and predictability.

As much as absolutely possible.

Stick close.

Chronically dysregulated kids need as much support from someone else’s regulated brain as possible.  Your child might feel your sticking close as a punishment.  But as long as you aren’t initiating it as a punishment and you are genuinely doing it as a way of offering co-regulation and support, do it anyway.

Feed them. Water them. Move them.

Structure, routine, predictability.

Stick close

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Lying as a Trauma Driven Behavior {EP 15}


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X-ray vision and understand the neurobiology of being relationally, socially, and behaviorally human means we get to free ourselves from scary beliefs that behaviors are character flaws, a representation of who our children are at their core, solely designed to manipulate us, or a reflection of our worth as a parent.

Lying is actually a completely normal human behavior.

Think about it- when was the last time you lied?

Be honest with yourself (ha, I chuckled at the irony).

It probably wasn’t that long again.

Ask yourself…why?

Be honest!

There are all sorts of reasons floating into your mind I’m sure- but they all land somewhere near the truth that we only lie because we are afraid of what will happen if we don’t.

We only lie because it doesn’t feel safe to tell the truth.

And when I say safe, I’m don’t necessarily mean physically safe.

It could be relationally safe.

It could be if I don’t lie, I won’t get what I want.  And the relational repercussion of lying is deemed less bad than the possibility of not getting what I want.

Sometimes lying happens when we feel safe enough in a relationship to know that the relationship will withstand the eroded threat of the lie.

Sometimes lying happens because we are actually prioritizing the relationship in the moment.

Sometimes lying happens because we cannot tolerate the idea of what could happen to the relationship, even if it’s just for a moment, if we told the truth.

Sometimes lying happens because we cannot tolerate the idea of what could happen inside us (shame, dysregulation, etc.) if we told the truth.

There really are quite a lot of explanations for lying but ultimately it almost always comes down to it’s not safe to tell the truth.

What happens if you allow that to really sink in?

Does it change anything for you about how you see the behavior of lying?  It’s OK if it doesn’t, I’m just prompting you to notice!

One of the biggest challenges with the behavior of lying isn’t actually the lie- it’s how being lied to makes us feel.

YOU HATE BEING LIED TO!!!

Your brain shouts all sorts of things!  Things like:

Do you think I’m stupid?

You are a pathological liar and that scares me!

You are causing me to question my own experience in reality and that scares me!

I must be a terrible parent to raise a liar.

Liars can’t even have positive relationships and ultimately go to jail.

Truly.  Those are scary thoughts.

And when all of us have scary thoughts, we often act in scary ways.

And then the fear increases for everything and the lying doesn’t ever stop.

What if you could replace your own scared thoughts?

My child doesn’t think I’m stupid- they are scared.

Continual lying is a behavior that will have negative long-term consequences but worrying about that in this moment doesn’t help me deal with the real life now problem.

I am a good parent who struggles sometimes- like all parents.

If you could replace those scared thoughts with true thoughts, you have one more moment of regulation.

Then you can ask yourself “why is this happening?” and maybe you can address that problem.

Or maybe your kid is too dysregulated in the moment for you to do much of anything beyond disengaging and not insisting on the truth.  Remembering to think about what is driving the lie will help you remind yourself that you aren’t just ignoring the behavior or allowing your kid to behave bad.  You are using your thinking brain to realize your child is too dysregulated for you to deal with the behavior in the moment.  Then you can shift your focus to offering connection, regulation, and felt-safety. 

Lying is such a common and sticky behavior challenge that I created a thorough 90-minute webinar that gets into the nitty gritty.  The webinar looks at the why even more closely than this article could and then moves into concrete, actionable steps to take in the moment of the lying.  The Lying webinar is a part of the webinar library that is available to all members of The Club.

Robyn

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Parenting Superpower! X-Ray Vision {EP 13}


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If you could have any superpower, which would you choose?

I’m partial to Iron Man…

Wait. I said if you could have any superpower…not any superhero. Darn.

If I could give you any superpower, it would be x-ray vision, hands down.

Specifically x-ray vision that would let you peer immediately into what is happening inside your child.

  • What’s happening in their brain?
  • What neurons are firing?
  • What memories are awakening?
  • What danger are they detecting?
  • How hard is their accelerator being pressed?
  • What neurotransmitters are flooding?
  • What hormones?

Why would this matter?

Why would I choose x-ray vision as your superpower over something cooler, like superhuman strength?  Or becoming teeny tiny?  Or shooting spider webs out your wrist?

In attachment research and literature, we continually stumble into one common theme with regards to secure attachment.

The researchers and scientists and academics call this reflective functioning and mentalizing.

I call it x-ray vision.

It’s the ability to see past what you can see (behaviors) and consider what is driving those behaviors.  What’s going on inside that is fueling this behavior?

The brain is literally behind everything. Everything. We do.

If the brain is behind, say, lying…well it stands to reason that we should consider what is going on in the brain when our kids are telling a lie.

Let’s take the superpower of X-Ray vision and add a booster pack to it.

Now our X-Ray vision not only lets us see into what is happening inside our child that is connected to the behavior we can easily observe, but it also let’s us hold in our mind the truth that our mind influences what we are seeing.

Wait what???

Yup.  This booster pack gives you x-ray vision back to yourself.  It’s kinda like it bounces off your kid and comes right back.  Or something.  I might be losing the metaphor here.

Our child’s mind, brain, and nervous system impacts their experience in the world.

And so does yours!!!

What’s happening in your brain, mind, body, and nervous system (which is impacted by everything that’s ever happened to you in that past) is influencing how you see your child in that moment.

What on earth is the benefit of X-Ray vision?

Well like I mentioned, this x-ray vision is called reflective functioning and mentalizing.

Reflective functioning and mentalizing are consistently connected to raising children with secure attachment.

The neurobiology behind secure attachment supports emotion regulation, the ‘pause’ before the reaction or explosion, insight, empathy, morality, relational skills, etc. etc. etc.

Basically.  Everything you hope for when you are raising kids.

The X-Ray vision goggles help us stay regulated, too!!!

When we can clearly see what’s happening inside our kids, we can let go of our reflex to personalize it. To catastrophize it.  To ‘future trip’ (future tripping means we start focusing on something catastrophic will happen to my child in the future because of this behavior).

When we stay regulated, we deal with the behavior better!  Always!

The x-ray vision goggles help our child feel truly seen and known.

Your kid isn’t bad. Or a liar or a thief.

Your kid is a preciously amazing human who is struggling.  And demonstrating a behavior that isn’t working for you.  Both are true.

Our kids need us to see them this way in order for them to know it about themselves.

And when they know it about themselves, things get better.

When kids believe their behaviors are the result of what’s happening on our insides, they can feel empowered.

It feels possible to do something that could change those behaviors!

When kids believe that their behaviors are the result of them just being inherently bad, it feels impossible to ever change that. So why would they try?

The x-ray vision goggles allow us to actually solve the real problem.

Whatever is driving the behavior.

It’s like a row of cascading dominoes with the final domino being the behavior.  If we can see the real problem domino, we can pull it out and maybe stop the cascade.

I promise.

If I’m ever offered the opportunity to grant a superpower to the whole word- or even just to parents of kids with a history of trauma- I’m choosing x-ray vision with a booster shot.

Until that opportunity appears (will Tony Stark be the one offering it?!?!?) I will just keep teaching.  I’ll help you learn about the neurobiology of being human.  I’ll help you learn about how trauma impacts the neurobiology of being human.

Promise.  Pinky Promise.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Imperfect Parenting Is Perfect {EP 12}


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Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

When I teach trainings in attachment, I always speak to the fact that every single person in the room used to be a child.  And many of the people in the room have children; or at least, interact with and care for children in some capacity (this stands to reason due to the nature of what I teach and who is in the audience).

That means we cannot learn about attachment without it becoming personal.

Without even consciously trying, we search our memory banks for the times when we didn’t parent in a way that invites experiences of secure attachment. We scan our entire parenting life for the moments when we behaved toward our children in the exact opposite ways as we are learning about in this attachment training.  We feel in our bodies our own experiences of not receiving the attunement, co-regulation, and presence that little babies and children need.  The we needed.

These trainings are exhausting.

It seems to help to just talk about that plainly.  We invite into the room our young parts of self who were parented.  We invite into the room our parenting selves- including all the times we’ve parented in a way we regret.

And I usually tell a story about a time I behaved very badly toward my child.  It involves throwing a granola bar at him.

At point blank range.

Not that I would ever ever EVER advocate for throwing things at your kids.  Like…ever.

But sometimes we all just lose it.

In big ways that look like granola bar chucking.  In small ways.  Medium sized ways.  In ways that are way bigger than chucking a granola bar but I’m not willing to share with you.

If we were even capable of being perfect parents (we aren’t) who are perfectly attuned to our children, never dysregulated, always meeting their needs…that actually would be very bad for them.

For starters, our children do indeed need to experience stress.  Experiences of tolerable stress, followed up by co-regulation, is like a little bicep curl for our stress resilience system.  Mild stress grows our nervous system and our capacity to tolerate stress in the future.

Which is important because well….life is pretty darn stressful.

We don’t need to create and construct experiences of stress for our kids with some intentionality to ‘strengthen their stress response system’ because there are plenty of opportunities that just emerge in real life.  Because we are all human.  Intentionally creating stress and discomfort for someone else in the name of ‘learning something’ or ‘growing the ability to deal with real life’ is frankly just not very nice.

In addition to these stress-resilience bicep curls, moments of imperfect parenting do something else really important.

They give our children the opportunity to experience repair.  To experience a reconnection after the disconnection.

Why is this so important?

I’m glad you asked 😊

Repairing a relationship disruption sends the loud and clear message “I see your pain.”

It’s easy to see someone when they are delightful.  It’s harder to see someone when they are in pain.  It’s even harder when we caused the pain.  It’s hard because it’s painful to us, too.

It takes a LOT of guts, bravery, and commitment to the relationship to say “I see your pain.”

And kids feel this.

Next, repairing a relationship disruption sends the loud and clear message “And it MATTERS to me.”

Seeing pain is one thing.  Caring about it is another.

Next, repairing a relationship disruption sends the loud and clear message “And I’m willing to be uncomfortable myself in order to fix what happened.”

Then there is the sweet relief of coming back into connection and attunement.  Of resting in the goodness of the relationship.

Even writing this, I take a huge, deep breath.

Now our kids are learning “You’ll come back to me.”  “I’m worth it.” “Relationships are hard but repairable.”  “I can tolerate distress because I know it won’t last forever.”  “I’m good and loveable.” “I can expect people to be brave enough to acknowledge when they’ve messed up.”

We want our kids to grow into adults who believe these things, yes???

Like I said…I mean maybe it’s just me who doesn’t need to go around looking for opportunities to mess up and cause my kid stress because there are plenty of opportunities that just happen without me even trying.

But if that happens to be true about you too, take comfort in knowing you don’t have to be perfect.  You just have to be brave enough to notice when you aren’t perfect and find ways to repair.  To come back into connection.  To allow both of you to breathe that sigh of relief that comes with finding one another again.

After a chucked a granola bar at my kid, I immediately felt shame and horror.  I was so so tired that morning. My own stress resilience system was not fully functioning.  These aren’t excuses, but it’s always helpful to understand what’s happening.  I quickly moved into an apology.  Making sure he wasn’t hurt (he wasn’t).  Stating very clearly “I should not have done that.  No one should ever hurt your body.”  Later, when we were back in connection, I also made it clear that it is my responsibility to manage my own feelings, he could never do anything that would ‘deserve’ getting hurt, and I would keep working hard on the things I needed to do to make sure I never went bananas on him like that in the future.

Robyn

PS Don’t throw things at your kids.

PPS My now teenage son knows I tell this story.  He’s given permission.

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Connection Can’t Not Work


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But we might have to redefine ‘what works’ in parenting.

Many years ago, I was asked to guest blog on the topic “How do I know when a parenting method just doesn’t work and I should give it up?”  I didn’t end up accepting the invitation but it sure did get my wheels spinning.

Does Connection-Based Parenting Work?

Brain-based.  Therapeutic.  Trauma Informed.  Attachment. Parenting with the Brain in Mind.  There are lots of catch phrases to capture the idea of parenting a child through the lens of the relational neurosciences- truly understanding the relational neurobiology of humans, the brain, relationships, and why we humans do what we do.  During the course of my career, I’ve watched a shift from punitive, behavior-based parenting strategies to connection, felt-safety, and regulation-based strategies.

This is great- except that we are still talking about strategies. 

Our left-brain (logical, linguistic) leaning culture reallllllly wants us to have a checklist.  Strategies.  Techniques.  To have someone say “If you do this this this and then this, then this will happen.  And everything will be fine.”

Where’s My Checklist???

When I was pregnant, I knew just enough about attachment to know it was important.  I had done research in graduate school on Reactive Attachment Disorder, and I understood the cycle of attachment (baby has need, baby expresses need, parent meets need, baby soothed), and gosh darn it, my baby was going to be attached to me.  I remember flipping through Dr. Sears’ “The Baby Book” and literally wondering where he had hidden the checklist.  I was the queen of “Just tell me what to do.”  I wanted a list of 10 things a parent does to make sure their child is securely attached.

I didn’t find it.  I did find enough people on the internet to tell me that secure attachment involved co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and baby-wearing.  Great.  Check, check, and check.

What has taken me years of parenting, being a partner, being a therapist, and being a client to learn is that there is no checklist.

Because secure attachment is cultivated through a way of being, not doing.

OK so rewind back to the original question.  This potential blog topic keeps popping up.  In my office, in my in-box, in parent groups.  Parents might ask “How do I know when connection-based parenting just isn’t going to work and I should throw in the towel.” Or maybe even “I tried that connection thing.   Dr. Seigel? Whole Brained Child? TBRI?  Those are great and all…but it didn’t work for my kid.”

Here’s the thing.

Connection can’t not work.

We have to reconsider, reevaluate, and redefine what we mean by work.

Can I give you a set of techniques- a checklist of sorts- that will stop your child’s challenging behaviors?

Unfortunately, no.

Are there ways to take the concepts of felt-safety, connection, and regulation and operationalize them in a way that helps parents – especially struggling and stressed out parents- will be able to implement into their home?

Fortunately, yes!

In my course Parenting after Trauma, Minding the Heart and Brain I’ve done exactly that!

There are some risks, though, when we try to operationalize connection.  The first one is that we take connection right out of connection.  What if I really did parent my newborn with a checklist?  Baby sling.  Breastfeeding.  Cosleeping.  I went through the motions.  I did what they told me to do.  Am I guaranteed a baby with secure attachment?

Unfortunately, no.

Because it’s not about doing. 

Especially with a newborn, a right-brained (nonverbal) tiny being.  Newborns don’t know about the checklist.  They don’t even understand my words.  Their nervous system responds to my tone of voice.  My facial expression.  My own nervous system regulation.

The same is true for our bigger kiddos.

How do you know connection-based parenting is working?

Because connection can’t not work.

What does it mean to work?  Does it mean we see behavior change?  Seeing behavior change can be great, but even when behavior changes it doesn’t mean that the way we are parenting is ‘working.’  Sometimes behaviors change and new, replacement behaviors emerge.

Sometimes behaviors don’t change.  But that doesn’t mean connection-based parenting isn’t working.

Connection based parenting is about trusting in the truth the connection is a biological imperative.  That our brains change in resonant relationships.  That no behavior is maladaptive.  Connection-based parenting means that when behaviors are difficult or pushing away relationship, we get curious about why.

Connection based parenting means children experience that their difficult behaviors don’t make them difficult people.  That they see themselves through our eyes as perfectly imperfect people who sometimes have very difficult behaviors that make sense, given what’s happening for them internally (because behaviors are simply an externalization of someone’s inner experience).

(You may want to check out podcast episode 11- Changing How We See People Changes People)

We can’t control if a child feels connected, regulated, and safe.  But we are absolutely responsible for creating an environment that invites connection, supports regulation, and provides safety.  If we do all those things and our child’s behaviors haven’t changed, does that mean that connection-based parenting doesn’t work?

Absolutely not. Connection can’t not work.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Connection or Protection??? {EP 7}


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Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

The brain has essentially two settings- connection or protection.

Yes or no.

Safe or not safe.

Connection or protection.

It’s either on or off- like a light switch.  There’s no in-between.

But it does have a dimmer.  Like the light switch in my kitchen!  So sometime it’s on (protection), but just a little.

Four times EVERY SECOND the brain is scanning both our internal and our external word.

That’s once every ¼ of a second.

This is obviously happening far outside our awareness.  We can’t really comprehend or notice a quarter of a second.

Safe???

Not safe???

Safe???

Not safe???

Since our brain’s primary job is to keep us alive, it doesn’t like to take a lot of chances with that safe or not safe question. So if the answer is “Ummm….maybe….not sure???” it’s going to go with “not safe.”

When our brain decides ‘not safe,’ it sends a message VERY QUICKLY to the brainstem, which then launches the cascade of hormones and neurochemicals for protection- fight/flight/freeze/collapse.  It sends this message so quickly that even if the thinking, rational part of the brain knows it got ‘not safe’ wrong, it cannot intercept the message fast enough.  (Psst…this is why coping skills stored in the thinking part of the brain often get tossed out the proverbial window).

A parable of not safe but really actually safe

One morning, several years ago, I got up earrrrrrrllllllly to work-out (seriously, it starts at 4:45am) which means it was still very dark.  I stepped into the hallway and jumped a mile in the air when I saw what appeared to be a 4 to 5 foot snake.

Now, I lived in Texas.  In the country.  A 4-5 foot snake has never appeared in my house before, but this is not outside the realm of possibility.  One summer, my husband and friend had to deal with a copperhead snake that was resting next to the pool in our friend’s back yard.  At a pool party.  With children.  So.  Big dangerous snakes were not impossible there.  

My brain went “NOT SAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!” It made me pay extra close attention to the snake-like object and gave me enough energy to get out of dodge if that ended up being necessary.

Luckily, my brain is also happy to receive new information that says “Oh wait.  Oops.  Actually yup, that’s safe.  Carry on here.”  So almost immediately I was able to process the information that this deadly venomous snake was actually just the tie to my bath robe.

But my thinking brain couldn’t get the “It’s your bathrobe tie” message delivered faster than my brainstem got the “DANGER DANGER!!!!!!” message.  The message from my thinking brain- OH! This is the tie to my bath robe!!! – came AFTER I had already launched into fight/flight/.

I still have no idea why it was in the middle of the hallway, but my best guess is that my 1-year-old labradoodle was the culprit.

Because I don’t have a brain that is constantly bathing in stress hormones (like the children with a history of complex trauma who come to my office), my brain was open to the new information and I quickly settled back down.  If my brain was already alive with stress hormones, I wouldn’t have settled down so quickly.  I might have run back to bed to wake up my husband.  I’d like to think I might have dealt with a deadly venomous snake on my own with some really great quick thinking, but the truth is I would have got my husband up.  (Later we’ll see how ‘danger danger’ signals send us going TOWARD our connection figures).

You see, my brain is quite desperate to keep me alive.  It’s really it’s top priority.  I like that about my brain.  So it would rather give me a fright and believe there is danger when there isn’t any than accidentally ignore or miss something very dangerous and then be killed by a copperhead in my own hallway.

It was so early in the morning!!  My family wouldn’t have found me for hours!

Safe or not safe.  Off or on.  Connection or protection.

The next thing to know about our brilliant brains is that under the right (well actually they are very very wrong) conditions, our stress response system becomes highly sensitized.  If I’m in a state of almost constant danger (and neglect is constant danger), my brain gets ultra-sensitive to stress.  Remember I said our ‘on’ switches are like dimmer switches?  The sensitized brain sort of loses it’s dimming feature.  It goes from OFF to ON FULL BLAST.  The teeniest tiniest bit of stress activates all the alarm bells and we go right to “I’m going to die.”

This sensitization doesn’t have to be the result of trauma or abuse directed toward me.  It could be that I live in a verrry stressful environment and all the grown-ups are constantly stressed, violent, or using drugs.  Or the grown-ups could be gone.  I could be all alone and this leaves me in a state of constant terror, too.

I’m imagining this is starting to sound extremely familiar to you.  Like you might know someone in your home who seems to have a broken dimmer switch.

The other possibility is that the ‘not-safe’ part of the brain is so used to being “on” that it decides it’s best to just make “on” the default mode.  To live always in ‘danger danger’ mode.  I mean- think about it.  Why rest into ‘off’ mode if you are constantly being launched into ‘on’ mode?  It’s a lot of work to go from ‘off’ to ‘on’- even from a caloric perspective.  So it makes good sense to just stay on.  Sometimes dimly on (think about the way we leave our kitchen lights at night).  Sometimes most of the way on.

If you’re chronically in ‘danger danger’ mode, it sure is easy to misread something as dangerous when it’s actually not.  A neutral look on the face.  A raised voice (that isn’t yelling).  An arm movement that looks like it could be a smack across the face.  A sigh of exasperation from your mom when she forgets about the chicken nuggets in the toaster oven and they burn to obliteration.  (Hypothetically speaking).

And suddenly we’re in Armageddon because your child’s brain thought you sighed at them, and you’re exasperation equals rejection and abandonment.

Two settings.  Yes or no.  Safe or not safe. CONNECTION OR PROTECTION.

Chances are, you know a lot of what I already wrote.  But here’s the kicker.  The piece I reallllly wanted to share with you today.

When the danger center of the brain is resting- the switch is off- because it has decided that everything is safe, we are open and available for connection.  For relationship.

Not only are we open for it, we are constantly seeking it.

Connection is a BIOLOGICAL IMPERATIVE.  When we are experiencing felt-safety, we want to move toward it like a heat seeking missile.  Without connection, we will die.  In fact, lack of connection turns the the protection side of the brain on!!!  When we are seeking connection and can’t find it, we switch into “not safe” mode.  This helps us know how important it is that we find connection ASAP.

The opposite of connection mode is protection mode.  When I’m in protection mode, I’m doing two things- protecting myself from danger and LOOKING FOR CONNECTION.  I’m going to go away from the danger and toward connection.

If I’m in connection mode, my nervous system- and subsequently my behaviors- is inviting connection and relationship.  Remember.  It’s a biological imperative.  We actually need connection.  Like food.  So by DEFAULT, if my brain is experiencing safety and I’m in connection mode, I’m behaving in a way that is inviting connection.

So the opposite is true, too.  If I’m behaving in a way that is not inviting connection, behavior that is actually encouraging people to get away or leave me, then I am clearly in protection mode.  My fear-centers are ON and believes there is danger.

Let’s repeat that.

If I’m behaving in a way that is NOT INVITING CONNECTION, my fear-centers of the brain is ON.  I am in protection mode.

If I have a history of secure attachment, my intuitive response is to protect myself and find connection (often they are the same thing, especially if I’m a toddler).  Once I am soothed and safe, my fear-centers turn off and I’m open and available for connection again.  Which means, behaviors that invite connection emerge.

If I have a history of attachment trauma, things get a little complicated.  When my fear-based brain is turned on, I still have the biological drive to find connection, but I have a messy relationship with connection. 

Connection is what was actually dangerous.

This is an exhausting and confusing internal battle, and it’s a battle that is relentless inside our precious children who experienced trauma inside relationship.  But this doesn’t change that connection is a biological imperative.

There is a part of your child that is seeking connection, I promise.  You might not be able to see that part.  It might be covered up by layers and layers and pounds of debris and protectors that will not allow that connection-seeking part to ever ever ever be hurt again.  But I promise you it is there.

Connection is a biological imperative.

Your child isn’t manipulative or controlling or considering you to be the nurturing enemy.

Your child IS seeking connection.  Is desperate for it.  But is also terrified.

Stay firmly planted in the truth that connection is a biological imperative.  When I am experiencing felt-safety, I am open and available for connection.  When I am not experiencing felt-safety, our nervous system closes down and we are not available for connection.    REMEMBER.  Behaviors that drive AWAY connection and relationship are the result of a closed nervous system and brain that is not feeling safe.

When your child (or spouse or colleague or check-out lady at the grocery store) is not behaving in a way that invites connection, know that their fear-centers are on.

When your child is experiencing felt-safety, connection is possible.  It’s imperative.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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