Is this way of parenting, this connection-based, brain-based, co-regulation-based way, permissive parenting? Are kids just learning to get away with bad behavior?
Don’t people need a consequence to learn what behavior to do more of…and what behavior to do less of?
Keep Reading or Listen on the Podcast
But- What About a Consequence?
The question “But what about a consequence?” usually means one of two things.
Either the person asking the question hasn’t fully bought into the relational neuroscience theory that regulated connected kids who feel safe (and know what to do) do well– OR they are dysregulated themselves and have fallen into old ways of responding to negative behavior.
That happens to all of us!
When we are dysregulated, we fall back into old, well-exercised neural pathways like “Bad behavior = consequence.”
I wrote about this in a blog from a few weeks ago- check it out! Has Trauma Informed Become Another Behavior Modification Technique?
What does Consequence Even Mean
Another challenge with the “But What About a Consequence” question is that nobody really agrees on what consequence means.
A consequence is just the thing that happens next.
The consequence of me putting my foot on the gas is that my car accelerates.
The consequence of me oversleeping is that I have a rushed morning, I’m grouchy, and maybe late.
The consequence of one too many cups of coffee is that I can’t sleep for 12 days.
Some consequences are positive
They tend to make us want to do that behavior again.
The consequence of me finally getting up early enough to not rush through my morning routine and make it to work on time is positive- I like that. I’ll do that again.
Some consequences are negative
The consequence of me drinking a cup of coffee after 2pm means I will never sleep again. I don’t like that- I won’t do that again.
Learning from consequences- not punishments- means that the next time the situation rolls around, I have to remember. I have to be regulated so that I can be mindful enough to pause my behavioral impulses- to drink coffee all day long- long enough to think “WAIT. Don’t drink that! You’ll never sleep again!”
This is actually a pretty advanced cognitive skill and like I said, requires a lot of regulation and mindfulness.
Because slowing down, noticing, and choosing a different behavior requires a LOT of energy and frankly even calories.
Consequence Do Work!
It’s not that consequences- positive or negative- don’t work. Consequences can lead to behavior change.
It’s that we’re banking on the problem being related to the child needing to know something new and then the next time, being regulated enough to pause, remember, and do something different.
I mean, most adults I know have a hard time with that!
Consequence is often a code-word for Punishment
Beyond that, very rarely do people use the word consequence to mean what it means- something that happens next.
Most of the time, we are using the word consequence as a code word for punishment.
But what about the consequence? isn’t really asking about the consequence, because whatever the consequence really is, it already happened.
It’s really asking- but what is the punishment?
If regulated, connected kids who feel safe (and know what to do!) behave well, why do they need a punishment?
They don’t need a punishment.
They need us to help them solve the real problem. Do they need to more co-regulation? Connection? Or felt-safety?
What do Kids Really Need?
Sometimes we realize that our child doesn’t have what they need to be regulated, connected, and experiencing felt-safety in a certain setting.
Maybe your 5 and 7-year-olds can’t play without adult supervision without hurting each other.
They don’t need a punishment.
They need more adult co-regulation so that their 5 and 7-year-old owl brains to stay in charge enough that they can have age-appropriate sharing skills, frustration tolerance, and words to express what they need and want.
This might mean they need their play toys to be in the main room where the grownups are so the regulated adults can lend them their regulated brains more easily.
They might need help scaffolding the very complex social nuances of shared play.
(I give a lot more examples in the podcast episode)
Your Child Does Need Boundaries!
This approach to parenting doesn’t mean you child never hears no or there aren’t any boundaries.
And it isn’t an approach that avoids unhappy children.
It is an approach that recognizes what the real problem is (lack of regulation, connection or felt safety) and had that contributes to poor impulse control, poor frustration tolerance, or difficulty in putting together cause and effect.
Behaviors that we would label as rude or disrespectful or even verbally aggressive are really about a child being activated/aroused and not experiencing felt safety. That’s dysregulated.
Opposition, defiance, and other challenging behaviors emerge from a brain that isn’t experiencing felt-safety. Their brain has flipped into protection mode. The owl brain has flown away and the watch dog or possum brain have taken over.
CLICK HERE for a blog on how activation/arousal is underneath behaviors like opposition, defiance, and aggression.
So- what do we do?
Create safety for the watchdog or possum brain. Bring that activation down.
Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain is allll about creating safety for the watchdog and possum brain, and growing the owl brain.
Prosocial, age-appropriate social and relational behaviors will emerge.
This is super hard work for us grown-ups!!! Kids- and especially kids with fragile nervous systems or histories of trauma, need lots of structure, predictability, and co-regulation.
There is a place for our hard-earned grief that our older or bigger kids cannot do the things that their same age peers can do- like play with their siblings or friends without hitting them. Like get up for school. Like leave the house in the morning for school without 9 million meltdowns.
Grieve that truth.
What Does Your Child Need to Be Successful?
What’s happening in your child’s body that is leaving them in such a chronic state of activation that they are regularly rude, disrespectful, and uncooperative? How can you calm their arousal? Help their body feel safe? Create an environment or an experience from them to succeed?
This way of parenting isn’t boundary-less or permissive. It recognizes that children don’t need punishments or rewards to change behavior. They need regulation, connection, and felt-safety- and probably some new skills too but we have to teach those skills when they’re regulated.
What consequence does this child need (which is almost always code for what punishment does this child need) can be replaced by what does my child need in order to be successful? How can I create an experience for them in which it would be impossible for them to fail?
When my child isn’t doing well managing the responsibilities of his life I pause and ask why. What does he need that he isn’t getting? Regulation? Connection? Felt-Safety?
These are big concepts and I’ve blogged a lot about them in the past!
Has Trauma Informed Become a Behavior Modification Technique?
What’s Regulation Got to do With it
We are Always Searching and Yearning for Connection
What Behavior Really Is– free video series masterclass
Deep-Dive into the Watchdog, Owl, and Possum Brain
The owl, watchdog, and possum brain (yours and your child’s!) are the stars of Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain– my online digital course. Check it out!