The Club has a Manifesto

It’s not creepy, I promise!

Actually, I’ve come to believe that the Manifesto might be one of the most important aspects of The Club.

Can you imagine being surrounded by people who you know are committed to these truths??

The Club’s Manifesto

Regulated, Connected Kids who Feel Safe Behave Well.

Not perfect…but like kids. Pushing boundaries. Messing up. Like all humans.

Regulated Connected Parents who Feel Safe Parent the Way They Want To.

Not perfect…with plenty of opportunities to mess up and make it right again. Like all humans.

Compassionate Boundaries have a place in connection-based, brain-based parenting.

We will set them with each other and with our children.

Hard things are less hard when we do them with other people.

Even with strangers. Even virtually (says Social Baseline Theory).

We come to know who we are through the eyes of the other.

We need people who will reflect to us our infinite worth.

In every moment, we are all doing the absolute very best we can.

Your child. Everyone in The Club. YOU.

Everyone. EVERYONE. Has Infinite Worth.

Your child. Everyone in the Club.  YOU.

Changing how we see people changes people.

We are all perfectly imperfect and overflowing with infinite worth.

The brain changes and heals in relationship.

My brain changes because of you. And your brain changes because of me.

AND THE CLUB.

****

I recorded a short podcast episode all about the manifesto, why I created it, and how it’s been critical to the culture in The Club.

And how it’s contributed to parents feeling better.  More regulated.  More compassionate.

Then they can parent the way they want to, more often.

Cool, eh?

Listen here!

Come join us in The Club!

We are open for new members June 29 – July 6!

CLICK HERE for all the details!

See you inside!

Robyn

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From Correction to Connection: This Dad’s Journey {EP 55}


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JD Wilson is one of the co-hosts of the Empowered to Connect podcast and an Empowered to Connect Parent Trainer. He’s also the director of Director of Communication and Community Engagement at Memphis Family Connection Center. Most importantly though, JD is a dad and he got his training – and continued practice!- in connection-based parenting ‘on the job.’

Keep reading or listen on the podcast

JD and I finally met earlier this year when he and his co-host Tona Ottinger interviewed me on the Empowered to Connect podcast- and oh my goodness, did we laugh our heads off. I wanted to have JD on the podcast if for no other reason than to re-create how much fun we had when on was on his.

From Correction to Connection

JD vulnerably shares his story of struggling to parent his kids in a way that felt good, to taking the Empowered to Connect training as a dad, to starting the Empowered to Connect podcast, to becoming an Empowered to Connect trainer, and now jumping onto the professional team at MFCC.

JD is obviously a fun and playful guy, and he seems so aware of himself, that it might be easy to think that this connected way of parenting is a cinch for him.

We laughed together about that.

From Legend to Lost

JD admitted that he went into the parenting journey expecting it to be pretty easy. Apparently, before he became a parent, JD was a ‘legend’ as a baby-sitter and he expected that this would be true in parenting.

JD and his wife turned to connected parenting because they didn’t know what else to do. Their tools weren’t working, the way that they were parented when they were children wasn’t working. They wanted to learn a different way.

It wasn’t easy. In fact, JD said “for the first couple years of shifting our parenting, it felt like we were running through a swamp.”

It was just so hard to actually put the connected parenting ideals into practice.

One Day It Finally Clicked

JD shared a story about the day when he felt like he was finally able to truly by the connected parent he was striving to be.

He remembers that he was finally able to stay regulated long enough to be with his child through their entire dysregulated experience and that all the co-regulation tools he had learned finally worked.

Worked meaning he and his child felt more connected after, and worked meaning it brought a new level of intimacy to their overall relationship.

“Once we began to get connected to our whole child and their whole heart, it became a lot more difficult to respond with anger or to stay focused on just correcting their behavior- and it became a lot more worth it.”

For JD, the definition of worked shifted from “How do I get this behavior to stop?” to “Does my kid have permission to be their true whole self, regardless of what that looks like. Can I be with them in their true, authentic experience?”

At the end of the day, JD said, what every human being is longing for is connection. To be fully known and fully loved.

It’s what the adults need, too

A Journey For Our Kids…and Ourselves

JD and I agreed that we both went on journeys that seemed like we were looking for tools to help our kids, but really we were unknowingly searching for the tenets of connection-based parenting for ourselves.

“I’ve discovered a new depth of joy from working to be authentic and fully present in my relationships with my children, which has impacted all of my relationships- including the one with myself.

Connected-Parenting Tipping Point

JD and I dove a little deeper into his connected parenting tipping point- the moment not when his kid finally responded differently to him but the moment when he responded differently to his child. The slow-motion, dramatic-music-moment where it all kinda clicked for him and he was able to truly move toward his child with compassion—and then watch his child’s brain come back into connection.

JD describes the moment he remembers being able to clearly use his ‘x-ray vision goggles’ (that’s not what he called it, but that’s what was happening!) to see what was going on inside his child. That moment filled JD with compassion and regulation and gave him the energetic space to truly hold all of his child’s feelings and behaviors.

X-Ray Vision

YES! This is exactly why I love to dive into the neuroscience with parents and professionals in a way that’s practical and relevant to their real lives. Understanding what’s happening in our children and what is driving their behavior doesn’t just give us better ideas about how to help them- it allows us to stay more regulated.

When we stay more regulated we see our children for their true selves- a precious child who is struggling. The child is struggling a lot and needs our help!

Then we change how we see that child.

Changing how we see people changes people.

Theory Becomes Real

JD said that shifting his parenting to a more connected-parenting model required a lot of faith and trust on his part. The science made sense to him and even though it wasn’t immediately easy to implement in his real life, he trusted the people who were teaching him.

But it wasn’t until that moment that he really felt “Oh, this works.”

In that moment, it was almost as if he finally got the map instead of just a promise.

It was such an honor to sit with JD for 50 minutes. He was open, vulnerable, and honest about what’s been hard for him and how many times he’s fallen short (short answer: a lot…just like the rest of us).

Hit play on the podcast episode to hear the full episode.

Connect More with JD

You will definitely want to head over to the Empowered to Connect podcast and hit ‘subscribe.’  JD and his co-host Tona Ottinger are committed to supporting families just like yours.

Start with the episode where JD and Tona interviewed me!  We laughed our heads off and talked about why There’s No Such Thing as Self-Regulation

Robyn

Ready to put on your own x-ray vision goggles and get the relief that comes with switching from correction-based parenting to connection-based parenting?

Watch my F R E E video-series on What Behavior Really Is…and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Why Good Times Suddenly Go Bad {EP 32}

parenting


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Big things, like their birthday party, major holiday celebration at Grandma’s, or a vacation to Disney World.

Little things, like Trunk or Treat at church, an afternoon at Jumpoline, or even recess.

Why is it that your child can actually be having fun and seem to be having a great time, and then fall into a crater of dysregulation-seemingly in the blink of an eye? 

You feel whiplashed.  Maybe resentful.  Certainly grieved that for some reason, your sweet family and your precious child are missing out on some of the most anticipated, and seemingly normal, moments of their childhood.  Of being a family.

Why do some of those best times turn so bad?

To get to the heart of this, let’s first review the concept of neuroception (you can also check out No  Behavior is Maladaptive to read a little more about neuroception!).

Neuroception is the phenomenon underneath felt safety.  The lower, unconscious, and faster-than-cognitive-thoughts parts of our brain are scanning for danger an estimated FOUR TIMES every second.  Every ¼ of a second (at least), the brain is asking “Safe?? Not safe?!?!?!”  Based on the answer to this question- four times every second!!!- our brain and nervous system shift into either connection mode or protection mode. 

Connection or Protection?

Our desperate-to-survive-above-all-else brains have a negativity bias- meaning that if it is going to make a mistake, it is going to err on the side of deciding something was NOT SAFE even if it actually was SAFE.  Our brilliant brains also supercharge threatening experiences in our memory systems so that when we successfully fight off a sabre tooth tiger, the next time we see even a glimmer of a sabre tooth in our peripheral vision, we immediately access the memory networks that will help us claim victory once again. 

The brain isn’t really that concerned with if the sabre tooth in your periphery is actually just a harmless kitty cat from your favorite next-door neighbor.  Since the brain’s job is to keep you ALIVE, it is fine with you overreacting to the neighbor’s kitty cat as opposed to underreacting to the life-threatening sabre tooth tiger that roams your suburban neighborhood. 

Danger Danger!!!

Remember Pavlov from that psychology class in high school? Pavlov was able to get dogs to salivate to a sound of a bell by repeatedly pairing that sound with their dinner.  The dogs started to connect the sound of a bell to “DINNER!!!!” …even though there really isn’t any relationship between the two (outside that lab experiment). 

Some of your kids have paired “DANGER” with things that aren’t actually dangerous (the telephone ringing)- because, at one point in time, that thing WAS dangerous (maybe the phone rang and at that same moment, they witnessed horrible domestic violence). 

Or maybe everything was dangerous. 

So this might help you begin to figure out why certain fun experiences actually turn your kid into a dysregulated mess.  Think about those environments and be curious- is anything in that environment something that was previously paired with danger for my child?  Sounds? Smells?

I’m kinda a geek about memory science and because I love it so much and want to share it with anyone who will listen, I made a three-part video series on the impact of Trauma on Memory and Behaviors.  Go check it out, if you haven’t already.  It’s FREE.

The Power of Internal and External Cues

But there is one more reallllllly important thing to think about.

The brain and neuroception are interested in both EXTERNAL cues (discussed above) and INTERNAL cues.

Heart rate. 

Respiration. 

Cortisol levels. 

Sympathetic activation. 

All those things change when your child is having a great time. 

Recess?!?!  Definite increase in heart rate, respiration, and sympathetic activation. 

Birthday party?!?!?  Increase. 

Well….all of those things also increase during a fight/flight/freeze DANGER DANGER response. 

Fight or Flight Response

As your child’s heart rate elevates- as sympathetic arousal elevates due to excitement, or in order to power your child’s body through the energy-required gross motor activities of the birthday party- your child’s brain is still scanning for danger. 

This time- the danger might actually be coming from INSIDE your child’s body.

Just like Pavlov can pair a bell with salivation, your child’s body can pair increased heart rate with “I’m about to die.” 

The switch is flipped and all those fun times turn IMMEDIATELY into dysregulation.

Dysregulation is fueled by the fact that your child is already in sympathetic activation- so the dysregulation might be BIG.

All of the sudden, everyone is out to hurt your child. 

An innocent bump on the trampoline causes your child to retaliate with a fist because his brain believed it was an attack. Or the sweet fun your child was having turns a bit maniacal.  It’s out of control. Your child suddenly can’t hear or listen or stop doing the outrageously impulsive thing she is doing. 

The brain is scanning for danger outside AND inside the body.

Early in your child’s life, sympathetic activation only meant DANGER.  It didn’t mean fun or shared pleasure.  Only danger. 

The really great news is that this pairing can be undone.  It takes time, patience, and perhaps a skilled therapist, but mostly a patient and attuned parent who can help the brain re-learn that an increased heart rate can just mean there is a TON of fun happening. 

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Parents Need Co-Regulation, Too! {EP 24}


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When I’m falling (crashing!) outside my window of stress tolerance, I need help.

For years and years, my therapist offered me the co-regulation I needed.  And needed it, I did.  If it had been socially appropriate (or uh, legal), I would have lived in my therapist’s waiting room.  For years. 

I used to be embarrassed to admit that.

It felt so needy.  Small.  Embarrassing. 

What’s embarrassing about being human?

We all need co-regulation.

Me.  You.

When our kids are getting dysregulated quickly, flipping their lids a lot, or having mountain reactions out of mole-hill sized problems, what they need is more connection and co-regulation.

Do you know any adults right now getting dysregulated quickly?  Flipping their lids…a lot?  Having mountain reactions out of mole-hill sized problems???

I’m asking for a friend 😉

Adult brains and kid brains are different for sure, but in this way, we are the same.  Lots of lid flipping and mountains out of mole hills simply means there’s a brain that needs more help.  More support. More connection. More co-regulation. 

When two nervous systems come together in the space between, their windows of stress tolerance dance together.  A more regulated nervous system can lend their regulation to the other.  Isn’t that lovely?

Sometimes it’s a very active process.

It might sound like “Can I get you something to drink?” “How can I help?” “Do you want to go for a walk?”

It might sound like “Wow.  That’s super hard.” “Of course you feel that way.” “That makes so much sense to me.” “I think what I’m hearing you say is this…am I getting that right?”

It might sound like a breath.  It might feel like a touch of the hand.  It might look like eyes that are reflecting back your pain.

Sometimes it’s a more passive process.

It’s the energy in the air that exists between you and your friend, partner, neighbor, therapist.  It’s energy that exists when you are together and eventually becomes energy you can access when you aren’t physically together.

If you are parenting a child with a history trauma, a child with any brain-based difference, a child with a fragile mental health, a child with baffling and confusing behaviors, a child who seems to feel hurt by connection, a child with a special need…

You need connection and co-regulation.

You deserve connection and co-regulation.

You deserve to be seen and held and known.

You deserve to offer that same “I see you” to someone else who is struggling- but the giving is sometimes just as needed and powerful as the receiving. 

Something fascinating started to happen last summer. 

I started to get emails and social media comments and messages that were basically people telling me I was offering them co-regulation.

Strangers.  People I never met.  That’s the only way we knew each other.

They were telling me they were hearing my voice in their head when things were hard.

A soothing voice.  A compassionate voice.  A voice that helped them stay grounded even just a second or two longer.  Sometimes that second or two makes all the difference in the world, right?

I was thrilled. 

The kinda thrilled that has a weird giggle that seems to come out of nowhere. 

These emails were like rocket fuel.  They filled a tank that I’m not even sure I knew I had let alone knew it was starting to get close to empty. 

We started an official dance of serve and return.  An official dance of co-regulation.  Me and you. 

I couldn’t believe yet I also knew in my bones that of course we could do this.

We are doing this. 

It is soul-filling for me.  I needed the return more than I knew I needed it.  The loneliness of the pandemic.  A complete pivot in my business.  Some of the most difficult six months in my personal life that were leaving me feeling extremely alone and sometimes even hopeless. 

You sent a return to me.

So I kept serving. 

On my blog.  On my podcast!!!  And in The Club.

Then something extra cool started to happen.  I started to see- how did I miss it before???- that y’all are giving this to each other, too.

Sometimes it’s just energetic as there are alllll these people alllllllll over the world who are reading the blog or listening to the same podcast episode.

Sometimes you are engaging with each other on Facebook and Instagram.  Sometimes just your comment gets seen by someone else and it literally changes their whole day.  Maybe more.

And we are deliberately and intentionally doing this in The Club, which has become my greatest joy; my greatest soul-filler. 

It’s changing me, and it’s changing YOU.  It’s the connection and co-regulation you have longed for, and maybe didn’t even know it. 

Connection and co-regulation is what we believe changes our kids brains, so why wouldn’t we believe it changes our brains too? 

And why wouldn’t we prioritize it over just about anything?????

In this moment as I write this blog, I imagine my energy going out to you.

I imagine you reading it.

I imagine that energy coming back to me.

I imagine that you hear my voice in your head.  As you read this blog, you begin to internalize me.

Your brain is changing.  My brain is changing. 

I am in awe of this…it’s truly beyond words.

So let’s just feel.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Undoing Aloneness {EP 22}


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There’s a moment of energetic meeting between two people that is the sweetest most human experience possible.

In that moment, there’s a breath of

I exist. 

You exist. 

You are with me. 

I am not alone.

In that moment, there’s an intertwining of energies as the silent dance of co-regulation begins.  

These moments are not a luxury.  These moments are a necessity.

Parents of kids with a history of relational and complex trauma are some of the loneliest people I’ve ever known.

The well of aloneness is deep when you are parenting a child who’s own history in relationships means they are terrified of that sweet moment of energetic meeting.

These deeply wounded precious sweet children crave this moment with their entire being in a way that would overwhelm them if they acknowledged it. 

These deeply wounded precious sweet children match the intensity of that craving with an intensity of complete rejection.

Rejection of themselves and rejection of those who try to meet them in a space of connection.

Humans exist whether someone acknowledges that existence or not.

But we only KNOW we exist because someone acknowledges our existence. 

Because someone meets us in that space of connection. 

Someone brings their existence and touches ours.  

When children experience deep pain in their earliest relationship- pain of being hurt, pain of being ignored and unseen,

pain of being present with adults who were so dysregulated they weren’t energetically present for their child-

they do not have the necessary experience of having their existence acknowledged. 

So even though they do indeed exist, they hardly have any moments of experiencing that they exist.  It makes existence slippery. 

The possibility of not existing is felt and real and utterly annihilatingly terrifying.  

When you aren’t sure you exist, you desperately crave confirmation that you do

while also desperately doing everything possible to avoid confirmation that you do.

Parenting, loving, and attempting to create moments of connection with this deeply wounded precious sweet child is a profoundly lonely journey. And then….absolutely no one gets it.

It’s an experience that unless you have direct experience with, unless you can hold the felt sense of it in your own heart and mind and body, it’s impossible to truly understand.

The loneliness in parenting becomes compounded when the loneliness isn’t seen. The loneliness is traumatic.

It leaves an imprint on our spirits that wreaks havoc on our health (physical and mental) and our relationships (with others, and with ourselves).  

I’m writing this for the parents who are longing to feel seen.  

I see you.

I’m writing this for the professionals who

have the great privilege and honor of meeting with these parents.  

They need you to see them.  

In fact, it’s really the only thing they need from you.

They need you to feel comfortable with the truth that you have no idea how to help them.  They need you to feel comfortable with the truth that bringing healing to children who have experienced relational trauma is a loooooooong road without many moments that confirm you are the right road.  They need you to feel comfortable with the enormity of the intensity of both them and their child.  

Being uncertain of your own existence in the world is overwhelming.  When it comes into your office, you could become swallowed by the overwhelm or you could welcome the overwhelm, hold it, be with it, see it. 

Undoing aloneness is your number one goal.

Undoing aloneness in families where it’s possible that the chaos and overwhelm won’t ever change might be your only goal.

It’s profoundly healing to not be alone.

It’s profoundly healing to have someone meet you there and say

“I am not afraid.  I will be with you here.

  I will confront my own feelings of helplessness

and be with you right here.  I will not go.”

Parents of kids with relational trauma are desperate for things to change.  They also have a terror and a knowing that it’s possible things won’t.  Yes, they want us- the therapists and professionals- to help things change.  But yes, they also do know that it’s maybe not possible and what they really want is to feel seen. Known. Not alone.

They want to be met in that energetic space of meeting.

It isn’t a luxury.  It’s a necessity.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Why Do I Get So Dysregulated? {EP 20}


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Or mad? Or scared? Or overwhelmed? Or shut-down?

Why do I make a mountain out of a mole hill?  Why can’t I keep it together?  

Being ignored (or yelled at or cussed at or disrespected or refusing to eat or do a chore or or or or the list is endless) is never going to feel good.  But- have you ever wondered why your brain goes into full on attacking watch dog mode when the reality is- refusing to do a chore, go to school, or even being ignored or yelled at, isn’t life threatening?

Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

If it isn’t life threatening, why does our brain go to attack mode?

A mode that really we only need in life threatening circumstances?

We’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the arousal continuum with regard to our kids – but as my friend Eileen Devine says, the brain is the brain is the brain.  And you have one, too 😉

Why does our brain go to attack mode- a mode that is intended to help us survive a life threatening circumstance- if we aren’t in a life threatening situation (and as much as it feels like it’s life threatening, a kid who is refusing to go to school or even yelling and cussing at us isn’t life threatening).

Narrow window of stress tolerance

For all sorts of reasons, many of us are walking around the world with a narrow window of stress tolerance.  Pandemic.  Economic uncertainty.  Virtual school.

Parenting kids with a history of trauma is stressful and overwhelming in the best of circumstances but now some (many?) families are cooped up, have lost their respire, can’t access the limited services they accessed before.  And kids are stressed, isolated, overwhelmed.  Their felt-safety has been shook to the core.  For many kids, this means their trauma-related dysregulation and challenging behaviors are at an all-time high.

There’s only so much we can take. 

Chronic stress and overwhelm- even when it’s not life-threatening- causes our window of stress tolerance to get smaller…and smaller….and smaller…….

When our window of stress tolerance is nice and wide….we can tolerate stress without freaking out.  We have a feeling that matches the stress.  Frustration.  Annoyance. 

To be clear….I’m not implying that when our window of tolerance is wide open we just bop through life like Pollyanna, never being frustrated or irritated.

When our window of stress tolerance is nice and wide, we can handle frustration, annoyance, irritation, nervousness, sadness…without completely losing it.  We can stay connected to the emotion and then use the emotion to help us know what to do next.

Frustration and annoyance might suggest you need to set a boundary.  But when our window of tolerance is nice and wide, we can set the boundary without screaming, yelling, threatening, or becoming overwhelmed.

We are all walking around with small windows of tolerances. 

And mole hills become mountains and teeny tiny little stressors feel like we are being chased by sabre tooth tigers.

Of course now you’re curious about how to increase your window of stress tolerance! 

You can read about playfulness and self-compassion– both which absolutely increase our ability to tolerate stress.

You can also check out The Club – a virtual group of education, connection, and co-regulation.  I teach some pretty cool things in the group but my focus is actually on facilitating and offering connection and co-regulation (because that changes the brain more than education does!!!).

Implicit Memory Awakenings

There’s another reason, too, that to the best of my experience, impacts every human on the planet.

Early early life experiences shape the way we perceive the world and our expectations about how things are going to go.  We adapt to painful experiences in brilliant ways that help us meet our needs the best way we know how and protect us from overwhelming, and often not co-regulated, pain.

Maybe when we were verrrrrry small, our own cries and needs went unanswered.  A lot.  When we are small, having our needs ignored a lot is indeed life threatening.  Our brain experiences the lack of response as something that is very very dangerous.

When we are 40, and our children ignore us, we aren’t in a life threatening situation.  But we have a very intricate and brilliant protective system that is always on alert and trapped in the past- so it can experience being ignored as life threatening and cause a “I’m in life threatening danger!!!!” response.

Maybe when we were verrrrrrry small, ignoring our parents was verrrrrrry dangerous.  We learned that if we didn’t immediately respond, and respond in a way that satisfied them (who knew what that was, but we sure tried!!!) we would get hurt- physically or emotionally.

Now we are 50, and when our children ignore us our own verrrrrrrry wise and still on alert and stuck in the past protective system actually is trying to protect our children by having an enormous reaction that gets a response from them.  It’s not safe to ignore!  I don’t want my child to be unsafe!  When they ignore me, I’m terrified for their safety and will spring in to action so they cannot possibly ignore me!!! (I understand this doesn’t make a lot of sense, practically speaking.  But it makes PERFECT sense to our implicit memories, and sometimes, they take charge).

Obviously, we aren’t consciously thinking these things through.

You see, behaviors are mostly part of our implicit (unconscious) world, too.  We like to think we have a lot of control over our behaviors- and sometimes we do and we can work to have more control- but a lot of behavior is actually implicit and behavioral impulses are triggered in the brain waaaaaaay faster than our conscious explicit mind could stop or pause them.

Consider a behavior your child has that awakens something really intense in you.

Maybe you have a child that is shut-down and seems lazy (I don’t believe in lazy but that’s another blog!!).  Maybe when you were small achievement is how you were safe. Or created your identity.  Or got seen by others.  Not being seen or not having an identity can feel annihilating- life threatening.

Maybe your child gets really rude and sassy and down right disrespectful.  I agree with you that it’s important to speak to each other with respect- so I’m not saying having a reaction to this isn’t warranted- but when we react with intensity, anger, or our own shut-down or ignoring behaviors, we aren’t able to help the real problem- supporting our kids in expressing their needs and feelings in a prosocial way!

Our reaction to their disrespect touches into our past when we learned to tow the line and never express any negative feelings, so that we kept the peace as much as possible.  Or we were treated with such extreme disrespect, but couldn’t have a strong boundary to keep it from happening again, so our bodies and implicit selves now want to react with all the power that we couldn’t when we were small.

Remember.  No behavior is maladaptive.

All behavior makes sense.  This is true of our children, and this is true of US.

You can explore the science behind our implicit awakenings (the stream of the past) in the blog post No Behavior is Maladaptive.

You can dive even further into the impact of memory on behaviors in the blog post Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors, as well as the FREE three-part video series (and short e-book) on Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors. 

Both resources are written with our children in mind, but see if you can read and watch the videos while thinking of yourself- yourself as a child, and yourself now.

This might help your behaviors make more sense.

And when behaviors make sense, we can have more compassion.

And we have more compassion, we create the opportunity for integration in our brain- so that the stream of the past and the present come together equally and we respond in a way that matches the present situation- not in a way that matches our past.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Child always dysregulated? Try this! {EP 18}


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You might be feeling a bit whiplashed.  There are a lot of great trauma-informed, brain-based, connection-based parenting ideas out there- and you’re trying them.

But they just aren’t working.

The verbal aggression isn’t decreasing.  Your child is chronically angry. Or extremely anxious.  Or won’t get out of bed.

It’s pretty hard to offer up connection to a child who is practically spitting anger at you (or maybe even literally spitting).

Living with someone who is chronically dysregulated leaves US chronically dysregulated, so the first step is just to notice that.

Notice how on edge you are. Notice how tired you are.  Notice how afraid or angry you are.

Send yourself a little compassion (or a lot…I mean, just as much as you possible can).

Take a breath.

And realize your child seems pretty stuck in a high alert or fear or even terror state of arousal.  (If you aren’t familiar with Dr. Perry’s levels of arousal, check out THIS blog).

When our kids are that aroused, that dysregulated, that stuck in a place of fear (and I promise this is a place of fear even if it just looks mean or angry or shut-down), the priority is to offer regulation, calm the arousal, and invite the thinking brain back.  That’s it.  No other goal.  Regulation and felt-safety.

If you noticed your own dysregulation and sent yourself compassion, you’re already finished with step #1- though without a doubt, you’ll be continually revisiting this step.

We can’t invite our kids into regulation if we aren’t regulated.

It’s not fair.  It sucks, frankly.  But it’s true.

Next- offer a drink or a snack or something that gets their body moving or in a different state.

Oh MAN this is HARD because this feels like a reward.

But we aren’t thinking about rewarding bad behavior right now because all we are thinking about is supporting regulation.

Offer a drink.

Could be any drink but for many people, extreme temperatures (a smoothie or hot drink) are regulating, and drinking something realllllly thick through a straw is often regulating.

Offer a snack.

Could be any snack (being offered something to eat when you’re not behaving well is often a surprise, and that in and of itself could bring regulation!!) but crunchy snacks, chewy snacks, and sucky snacks (not bad snacks but snacks you suck on- like a jawbreaker or a sucker) can be especially regulating.

Bold flavors, like spicy or sour or super sweet, can also be regulating!

You’ll have to do some experimenting here, to see what really works for you child.

Entice them into some body movement.

A thumb war or arm wrestling or a some quick hoops in the driveway or a living room dance party or crashing onto the bed or couch.  A small fidget.  Play-doh.  Cooking or baking (now we’re getting in movement and a snack…)

If your kid seems to be in chronic alarm or fear based levels of arousal, be extremely consistent with food, drink, and movement.  Prioritize these things over almost anything else.

Create structure, routine, and predictability.

As much as absolutely possible.

Stick close.

Chronically dysregulated kids need as much support from someone else’s regulated brain as possible.  Your child might feel your sticking close as a punishment.  But as long as you aren’t initiating it as a punishment and you are genuinely doing it as a way of offering co-regulation and support, do it anyway.

Feed them. Water them. Move them.

Structure, routine, predictability.

Stick close

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Lying as a Trauma Driven Behavior {EP 15}


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X-ray vision and understand the neurobiology of being relationally, socially, and behaviorally human means we get to free ourselves from scary beliefs that behaviors are character flaws, a representation of who our children are at their core, solely designed to manipulate us, or a reflection of our worth as a parent.

Lying is actually a completely normal human behavior.

Think about it- when was the last time you lied?

Be honest with yourself (ha, I chuckled at the irony).

It probably wasn’t that long again.

Ask yourself…why?

Be honest!

There are all sorts of reasons floating into your mind I’m sure- but they all land somewhere near the truth that we only lie because we are afraid of what will happen if we don’t.

We only lie because it doesn’t feel safe to tell the truth.

And when I say safe, I’m don’t necessarily mean physically safe.

It could be relationally safe.

It could be if I don’t lie, I won’t get what I want.  And the relational repercussion of lying is deemed less bad than the possibility of not getting what I want.

Sometimes lying happens when we feel safe enough in a relationship to know that the relationship will withstand the eroded threat of the lie.

Sometimes lying happens because we are actually prioritizing the relationship in the moment.

Sometimes lying happens because we cannot tolerate the idea of what could happen to the relationship, even if it’s just for a moment, if we told the truth.

Sometimes lying happens because we cannot tolerate the idea of what could happen inside us (shame, dysregulation, etc.) if we told the truth.

There really are quite a lot of explanations for lying but ultimately it almost always comes down to it’s not safe to tell the truth.

What happens if you allow that to really sink in?

Does it change anything for you about how you see the behavior of lying?  It’s OK if it doesn’t, I’m just prompting you to notice!

One of the biggest challenges with the behavior of lying isn’t actually the lie- it’s how being lied to makes us feel.

YOU HATE BEING LIED TO!!!

Your brain shouts all sorts of things!  Things like:

Do you think I’m stupid?

You are a pathological liar and that scares me!

You are causing me to question my own experience in reality and that scares me!

I must be a terrible parent to raise a liar.

Liars can’t even have positive relationships and ultimately go to jail.

Truly.  Those are scary thoughts.

And when all of us have scary thoughts, we often act in scary ways.

And then the fear increases for everything and the lying doesn’t ever stop.

What if you could replace your own scared thoughts?

My child doesn’t think I’m stupid- they are scared.

Continual lying is a behavior that will have negative long-term consequences but worrying about that in this moment doesn’t help me deal with the real life now problem.

I am a good parent who struggles sometimes- like all parents.

If you could replace those scared thoughts with true thoughts, you have one more moment of regulation.

Then you can ask yourself “why is this happening?” and maybe you can address that problem.

Or maybe your kid is too dysregulated in the moment for you to do much of anything beyond disengaging and not insisting on the truth.  Remembering to think about what is driving the lie will help you remind yourself that you aren’t just ignoring the behavior or allowing your kid to behave bad.  You are using your thinking brain to realize your child is too dysregulated for you to deal with the behavior in the moment.  Then you can shift your focus to offering connection, regulation, and felt-safety. 

Lying is such a common and sticky behavior challenge that I created a thorough 90-minute webinar that gets into the nitty gritty.  The webinar looks at the why even more closely than this article could and then moves into concrete, actionable steps to take in the moment of the lying.  The Lying webinar is a part of the webinar library that is available to all members of The Club.

Robyn

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Parenting Superpower! X-Ray Vision {EP 13}


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If you could have any superpower, which would you choose?

I’m partial to Iron Man…

Wait. I said if you could have any superpower…not any superhero. Darn.

If I could give you any superpower, it would be x-ray vision, hands down.

Specifically x-ray vision that would let you peer immediately into what is happening inside your child.

  • What’s happening in their brain?
  • What neurons are firing?
  • What memories are awakening?
  • What danger are they detecting?
  • How hard is their accelerator being pressed?
  • What neurotransmitters are flooding?
  • What hormones?

Why would this matter?

Why would I choose x-ray vision as your superpower over something cooler, like superhuman strength?  Or becoming teeny tiny?  Or shooting spider webs out your wrist?

In attachment research and literature, we continually stumble into one common theme with regards to secure attachment.

The researchers and scientists and academics call this reflective functioning and mentalizing.

I call it x-ray vision.

It’s the ability to see past what you can see (behaviors) and consider what is driving those behaviors.  What’s going on inside that is fueling this behavior?

The brain is literally behind everything. Everything. We do.

If the brain is behind, say, lying…well it stands to reason that we should consider what is going on in the brain when our kids are telling a lie.

Let’s take the superpower of X-Ray vision and add a booster pack to it.

Now our X-Ray vision not only lets us see into what is happening inside our child that is connected to the behavior we can easily observe, but it also let’s us hold in our mind the truth that our mind influences what we are seeing.

Wait what???

Yup.  This booster pack gives you x-ray vision back to yourself.  It’s kinda like it bounces off your kid and comes right back.  Or something.  I might be losing the metaphor here.

Our child’s mind, brain, and nervous system impacts their experience in the world.

And so does yours!!!

What’s happening in your brain, mind, body, and nervous system (which is impacted by everything that’s ever happened to you in that past) is influencing how you see your child in that moment.

What on earth is the benefit of X-Ray vision?

Well like I mentioned, this x-ray vision is called reflective functioning and mentalizing.

Reflective functioning and mentalizing are consistently connected to raising children with secure attachment.

The neurobiology behind secure attachment supports emotion regulation, the ‘pause’ before the reaction or explosion, insight, empathy, morality, relational skills, etc. etc. etc.

Basically.  Everything you hope for when you are raising kids.

The X-Ray vision goggles help us stay regulated, too!!!

When we can clearly see what’s happening inside our kids, we can let go of our reflex to personalize it. To catastrophize it.  To ‘future trip’ (future tripping means we start focusing on something catastrophic will happen to my child in the future because of this behavior).

When we stay regulated, we deal with the behavior better!  Always!

The x-ray vision goggles help our child feel truly seen and known.

Your kid isn’t bad. Or a liar or a thief.

Your kid is a preciously amazing human who is struggling.  And demonstrating a behavior that isn’t working for you.  Both are true.

Our kids need us to see them this way in order for them to know it about themselves.

And when they know it about themselves, things get better.

When kids believe their behaviors are the result of what’s happening on our insides, they can feel empowered.

It feels possible to do something that could change those behaviors!

When kids believe that their behaviors are the result of them just being inherently bad, it feels impossible to ever change that. So why would they try?

The x-ray vision goggles allow us to actually solve the real problem.

Whatever is driving the behavior.

It’s like a row of cascading dominoes with the final domino being the behavior.  If we can see the real problem domino, we can pull it out and maybe stop the cascade.

I promise.

If I’m ever offered the opportunity to grant a superpower to the whole word- or even just to parents of kids with a history of trauma- I’m choosing x-ray vision with a booster shot.

Until that opportunity appears (will Tony Stark be the one offering it?!?!?) I will just keep teaching.  I’ll help you learn about the neurobiology of being human.  I’ll help you learn about how trauma impacts the neurobiology of being human.

Promise.  Pinky Promise.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Imperfect Parenting Is Perfect {EP 12}


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When I teach trainings in attachment, I always speak to the fact that every single person in the room used to be a child.  And many of the people in the room have children; or at least, interact with and care for children in some capacity (this stands to reason due to the nature of what I teach and who is in the audience).

That means we cannot learn about attachment without it becoming personal.

Without even consciously trying, we search our memory banks for the times when we didn’t parent in a way that invites experiences of secure attachment. We scan our entire parenting life for the moments when we behaved toward our children in the exact opposite ways as we are learning about in this attachment training.  We feel in our bodies our own experiences of not receiving the attunement, co-regulation, and presence that little babies and children need.  The we needed.

These trainings are exhausting.

It seems to help to just talk about that plainly.  We invite into the room our young parts of self who were parented.  We invite into the room our parenting selves- including all the times we’ve parented in a way we regret.

And I usually tell a story about a time I behaved very badly toward my child.  It involves throwing a granola bar at him.

At point blank range.

Not that I would ever ever EVER advocate for throwing things at your kids.  Like…ever.

But sometimes we all just lose it.

In big ways that look like granola bar chucking.  In small ways.  Medium sized ways.  In ways that are way bigger than chucking a granola bar but I’m not willing to share with you.

If we were even capable of being perfect parents (we aren’t) who are perfectly attuned to our children, never dysregulated, always meeting their needs…that actually would be very bad for them.

For starters, our children do indeed need to experience stress.  Experiences of tolerable stress, followed up by co-regulation, is like a little bicep curl for our stress resilience system.  Mild stress grows our nervous system and our capacity to tolerate stress in the future.

Which is important because well….life is pretty darn stressful.

We don’t need to create and construct experiences of stress for our kids with some intentionality to ‘strengthen their stress response system’ because there are plenty of opportunities that just emerge in real life.  Because we are all human.  Intentionally creating stress and discomfort for someone else in the name of ‘learning something’ or ‘growing the ability to deal with real life’ is frankly just not very nice.

In addition to these stress-resilience bicep curls, moments of imperfect parenting do something else really important.

They give our children the opportunity to experience repair.  To experience a reconnection after the disconnection.

Why is this so important?

I’m glad you asked 😊

Repairing a relationship disruption sends the loud and clear message “I see your pain.”

It’s easy to see someone when they are delightful.  It’s harder to see someone when they are in pain.  It’s even harder when we caused the pain.  It’s hard because it’s painful to us, too.

It takes a LOT of guts, bravery, and commitment to the relationship to say “I see your pain.”

And kids feel this.

Next, repairing a relationship disruption sends the loud and clear message “And it MATTERS to me.”

Seeing pain is one thing.  Caring about it is another.

Next, repairing a relationship disruption sends the loud and clear message “And I’m willing to be uncomfortable myself in order to fix what happened.”

Then there is the sweet relief of coming back into connection and attunement.  Of resting in the goodness of the relationship.

Even writing this, I take a huge, deep breath.

Now our kids are learning “You’ll come back to me.”  “I’m worth it.” “Relationships are hard but repairable.”  “I can tolerate distress because I know it won’t last forever.”  “I’m good and loveable.” “I can expect people to be brave enough to acknowledge when they’ve messed up.”

We want our kids to grow into adults who believe these things, yes???

Like I said…I mean maybe it’s just me who doesn’t need to go around looking for opportunities to mess up and cause my kid stress because there are plenty of opportunities that just happen without me even trying.

But if that happens to be true about you too, take comfort in knowing you don’t have to be perfect.  You just have to be brave enough to notice when you aren’t perfect and find ways to repair.  To come back into connection.  To allow both of you to breathe that sigh of relief that comes with finding one another again.

After a chucked a granola bar at my kid, I immediately felt shame and horror.  I was so so tired that morning. My own stress resilience system was not fully functioning.  These aren’t excuses, but it’s always helpful to understand what’s happening.  I quickly moved into an apology.  Making sure he wasn’t hurt (he wasn’t).  Stating very clearly “I should not have done that.  No one should ever hurt your body.”  Later, when we were back in connection, I also made it clear that it is my responsibility to manage my own feelings, he could never do anything that would ‘deserve’ getting hurt, and I would keep working hard on the things I needed to do to make sure I never went bananas on him like that in the future.

Robyn

PS Don’t throw things at your kids.

PPS My now teenage son knows I tell this story.  He’s given permission.

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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