School has always been a wild card for the kids that I work with.
Some kids with vulnerable nervous systems thrive in the structure of school. They do well with the less intimate relational demands and feel regulated by the daily routine and clarity around what’s going to happen next.
Some kids with vulnerable nervous systems end up feeling chronically dysregulated at school and this largely results in behavior that the school doesn’t know how to navigate. Quickly the child finds themselves in a pretty vicious cycle of dysregulation, behavior, school response, increased dysregulation, increased challenging behavior, and on and on and on and on.
Before I go any further, let me reassure you that this podcast episode will take the same no shame no blame stance as all my previous episodes because that’s what it means to deeply understand the relational neurosciences and our nervous system.
Keeping reading or listen on the podcast
All Behavior is Adaptive and Makes Sense!
…to that individual’s nervous system at that moment based on what they are experiencing and neuroceiving and how they make sense of what they are experiencing and neuroceiving.
Each of has a completely subjective experience in every moment based on our billions of previous experiences. For more on the science of how all behavior is adaptive in the moment given our nervous system- which doesn’t mean all behavior is good or even that we shouldn’t feel pretty motivated to change some particularly challenging behavior- head to a previous podcast and blog episode at robyngobbel.com/maladaptive.
This Applies to Adult Behavior, Too
Sometimes in this episode- and other episodes, too- we might talk about both kids and adults- including myself- behaving in a way that we might call ‘badly.’ Reflecting on behavior is always through the lens of curiosity and compassion, never judgment.
Behavior is just information. We can get curious about what it means and sometimes, we have to set a boundary. Simply because we understand behavior and believe it all makes sense doesn’t me we allow or tolerate behavior that is harmful or crosses boundaries.
School Behavior is Becoming More Challenging
Usually about mid-October the conversations with parents in my office becomes increasingly about their child’s difficulties at school. This almost always (though not always!) turns into frustration about how the school is responding or maybe even provoking the behavior.
This time of year is when I start to spend more time on the phone with the school. Meetings are scheduled. I’m sending off resources to the ones who are expressing interest and curiosity in learning more.
But let’s just name a truth here at the very beginning of this episode. The families I work with have to navigate a lot of school personnel- teachers, admins, support staff- who aren’t behaving in a way that suggests they are curious or interested.
Regretfully many of these adults are behaving in a way that could be called rigid, controlling, even scary.
Again remember y’all. NO shame no blame.
Protection Mode Behaviors
When I’m working with adults who are behaving in controlling and rigid ways I remind myself that those are behaviors of a brain in protection mode.
That person’s nervous system is not experiencing felt safety and they’ve moved out of our brain’s default connection mode and into protection mode.
Defensiveness, rigidity, control are all behaviors of protection mode.
Curiosity, compassionate boundaries, flexibility are all behaviors of connection mode.
Our Educators are in Protection Mode.
They are stressed.
They are at times literally unsafe, and if they aren’t literally unsafe they are neuroceiving a lack of safety.
They are understaffed and overworked. Some of still trying to figure out how to teach both virtually and in person.
They are in their now third year of COVID school.
They are working in districts where parents are being arrested for assault.
Being a teacher is a hard task in the best of times and we are nowhere close to the best of times.
Kids and parents are also spending a lot of time in protection mode of their nervous system.
A System that Lacks Felt-Safety
What happens when we create a system full of people in protection mode?
Control, rigidity, and lack of flexibility.
Relational behavior emerges from connection mode. Relational behavior emerges from feeling safe and regulated.
It’s just plain hard to feel safe and regulated right now.
So…What Do We Do?
Now that we’ve brought to the forefront of our minds and hearts both understanding and compassion for our educators, what do parents do next?
Maybe your kid’s behavior is escalating, the punishment from school is escalating, your child is getting more dysregulated and that’s causing more disruptive behavior, not less disruptive.
Maybe you’re thinking “I’m about to lose my job because I keep having to take time off work to go to the school.”
Maybe you’re just bone wary that you’re still having to advocate against systems – like token behavior management systems- that really is hard to understand why, after all these years of clear evidence that they are harmful and do not work, they are still being used.
Yup. Of course you are.
And what do we do next?
In the coming weeks, I have a line-up of guests that will bring compassion, care, and understanding to all– children, parents, and of course, our educators.
Our of my upcoming guests is Lori Desautels, author Connection Over Compliance. In our interview Lori stated that educators are crisis-schooling right now. Or maybe she said crisis educating, I don’t remember.
Many if not most of our educators have been crisis educating for years due to lack of funding, under-resourced and over-crowded classrooms. Now they are in their third school year of pandemic school and yes, this is a crisis.
Co-Experiencing Crisis
Very rarely do we have an experience where the folks whose job is to hold the world together- folks like health care workers, educators, and mental health workers, are experiencing the exact same crisis as the people they serve.
Co-experiencing a crisis with the people you are supposed to be regulated enough to hold their crisis is traumatic. I’m more in touch with how this impacting our metal health workers – who are burned out, quitting, and at times providing suboptimal care because their own nervous system is so frayed and they don’t even realize it because it’s the new normal- but I assume that this exact scenario is playing out with our educators.
Burned out, quitting, and at times providing suboptimal care.
Remember. No shame no blame.
A nervous system in a chronic state of crisis isn’t capable of providing optimal care.
Their normal and adaptive responses are leading the way- control, rigidity, inflexibility, judgment, and punishment.
Those are behaviors that emerge from a nervous system in chronic protection mode.
What can Parent’s Do?
How can you connect with your child’s teacher or the admins because what’s happening to your child- the controlling and rigid systems, the punitive approach to change behavior, their lack of compassion, the suspensions, the everything- isn’t OK.
Connect First. Then Correct.
Lead with the same skills you lead with when you want to connect and coregulate with your child.
- Tend to your own nervous system first. Acknowledge to yourself your very real and righteous feelings, give yourself compassion, take a breath, and then apply the science of safety to the teacher. Their behavior says they are stressed and in protection mode.
- Approach them with curiosity and a genuine spirit of connection and team work.
- Be clear that you see them and their struggles. See their humanity.
- Offer to help. In a way that is clear that your help won’t cause more stress.
An Email Example
Sometimes it’s helpful to have an example. You are free to use as much or as little of this example as feels supportive.
Dear Teacher- I know you have so much going on and this email is now one more thing for you to tend to. I can’t imagine how you are juggling everything you are juggling right now. I wanted to send a quick note about Sam. He’s definitely struggling to stay regulated at school which we see in his behavior when he’s rude, sassy, refuses to do work, distracts the class, leaves, calls you names, {insert whatever behavior here}.
I’m on the same page as you in that I definitely want Sam’s behavior to change so he can learn and you can do your job. I really understand the urge to punish Sam for his behavior because sometimes it’s just so maddening! I sometimes don’t know what else to do and I punish, too. Unfortunately, I’ve learned the hard way that not only does that not work, but it usually makes things worse. I’d love to work together with you because I want as much as you do for Sam’s behaviors to get better, not worse. That’ll make your job way easier.
How could I best support you? Would you prefer to meet or would it be easier on your time and schedule if I just email over a few resources that have been really helpful to me in understanding Sam’s behavior and responding in a way that decreases those behaviors.
You Want the Same Thing the Teacher Wants
For your child’s behavior to improve. Their behavior is just a flag that let’s you know how much distress they are in, and you want to alleviate that distress.
When you communicate with a teacher or administrator, use tons of empathy, compassion, and statements that communicate that their feelings makes sense.
“Of course…” and “That makes so much sense to me.”
So something like “Of course you want to punish. That’s what I want to do a lot of the times too.”
But then, a boundary.
“Unfortunately, I’ve learned punishments don’t work and often make things worse.”
What Next?
What you say after that exchange depends on the response you get.
My experience working with teachers is that they chose a career dedicated to kids for a reason- they love kids and want to have good relationships with them. When the teacher feels seen and not attacked or blamed, when they feel a partnership with parents instead of an adversarial one (remember that there are teachers in the US who have literally been assaulted physically by parents and the incidents of verbal assaults are even higher, so teachers are afraid and defended right now), their nervous system has the opportunity to shift into connection mode.
Just Like Our Kids.
And what emerges from connection mode?
Curiosity. Flexibility. Compassionate boundaries.
Bringing You the Experts
Ultimately, I’m not an educator and I spend very little (like none) time in schools.
It’s not really my place to talk much about schools, teachers, and advocating for both your child and their teacher – and hopefully I’ve been clear that I definitely believe both (kids and teachers!) deserve a safe and regulated place to spend their days.
That means I’ve gathered the experts for you.
In the coming weeks you’re going to hear from:
- Emily Daniels, education consultant, founder of the training and consulting agency Here this Now, author of The Regulated Classroom and creator of the educator self-care toolkit.
- Greg Santucci, occupational therapist extraordinaire who has decades of experience working with the schools and whose playful, compassionate, and grounded in science approach has taken social media by storm in the last year.
- Lori Desautels, author of Connections over Compliance, assistant professor at Butler University, and creator of Butler’s nine-hour graduate certification in Applied Educational Neuroscience, and founder of the Educational Neuroscience Symposium.
- Jim Sporleder the former high school principal who you are probably familiar with from the documentary Paper Tigers and if you, aren’t go watch it now! Jim is also the co-author with Heather Forbes of The Trauma Informed School.
- And Julie Beem, Executive Director of the Attachment and Trauma Network which offers so many services for all the grown-ups who care for kids impacted by trauma, including their Trauma Informed Schools Initiative and an annual Creating Trauma Sensitive Schools Conference.
Amazing right?! How did I get this lucky that these five dynamic forces all said yes to an interview?!
If you haven’t already, hit subscribe to the Parenting after Trauma podcast on your podcast player and sign up to receive my emails so you can be sure to know when the episodes go live!
Robyn
Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.
Just let me know where to send the links!
