Intro to Bethany
Bethany Saltman is the author of part memoir part biography Strange Situation– A Mother’s Journey into the Science of Attachment. Bethany is a professional researcher, writer, and longtime Zen student who went searching for what she felt was missing when she was a new mom. I was so honored to interview Bethany for a podcast episode that was released on June 1, 2021. You can listen to that episode here.
Like myself, Bethany discovered Dr. Sears’ The Baby Book on attachment parenting when she was pregnant with her now 15-year-old daughter and had expectations about what motherhood and parenting was going to look like: a blissful time where she enjoyed the natural awakenings of maternal instinct.
Which did not happen.
Keep reading or listen on the podcast!
How a Strange Situation was born
Bethany remembers that she wasn’t patient with her daughter. She didn’t feel very loving toward her. And ultimately she felt broken because Dr. Sears had promised in his book that attachment parenting was easy because it ‘feeds on a mother’s natural intuition.’ Bethany stated she was doing her best but also doing a lot of things wrong as a mom- and couldn’t figure out why.
When Bethany’s daughter was about six-months-old, she was given Dr. Dan Siegel’s book Parenting from the Inside Out and “wanted that book out of my house.” She was overwhelmed with the idea that her daughter could be significantly impacted by her own inner-world. She couldn’t tolerate the idea that “the darkness inside of me was going to impact my daughter.”
Eventually, of course, she came to realize she wasn’t broken, there was nothing wrong with her, and that yes, it is really important to look at ‘our own stuff’ when we are parenting. She took it slow and titrated her exploration into herself and how her own history would impact her parenting (even eventually reading the once banned from her house Parenting from the Inside Out). How very wise to take it slow and in tolerable doses!
Attachment theory vs Attachment parenting
In the early years of her daughter’s life, Bethany discovered actual attachment theory- not attachment parenting- and the work of Mary Ainsworth, including her landmark research on the science of attachment and The Strange Situation.
Bethany dove into Ainsworth’s work, deeply immersing herself in the history and science of attachment. While ultimately studying the science of attachment brought her to a place of self-compassion, Bethany initially went through a period where studying attachment actually caused her to mental flog herself even more. As she learned about attachment she had a time period of believing that not only was she a bad mom but now she had information about all the very specific ways in which she was a bad mom and what the impact was going to be.
Luckily, Bethany stayed the course and just kept studying attachment science. She kept wondering and asking herself “is she (her daughter) going to be OK??” She felt like she needed to understand attachment in a deeply human, embodied way.
Remember- Bethany isn’t a therapist or a clinician or even in the mental health or psychology field. She veraciously studied attachment theory, got herself interviews with some of the leading researchers in the field, and got trained in both The Strange Situation– the laboratory experiment that enables researchers to study and code infant attachment, and The Adult Attachment experiment– an interview that enables researchers to study and code adult attachment.
Her book, Strange Situation, is a memoir about this journey and exploration.
It was a lovely, gorgeous book. I read it quickly- like, couldn’t put it down and carried it around with me quickly.
“In order for us to see our children we have to see.”
I asked Bethany if she remembered the moment when she realized that if she wanted to parent her daughter in the way that she wanted that she was going to have to look more closely at herself.
Delight and Secure Attachment
There wasn’t a watershed moment but what she does remember is learning about how important delight is in secure attachment. Ainsworth talked about how in order to have delight in your child- a crucial ingredient in secure attachment- you need to have delight in your life. Bethany started prioritizing experiencing and enjoying moments of delight as well as having more compassion for herself.
I loved hearing Bethany talk about the importance of delight because I feel the same way!!!! My colleague Marshall and I prioritize delight in how we offer therapy that is steeped in attachment. If you’ve trained with Marshall and I, you know this!
Bethany was just so clear- if we want to offer our kids delight we have to experience moments of delight in our own lives. To give delight, we must experience delight. It’s not selfish!!!
Back to Mary Ainsworth. Bethany discovered and explored the work of Ainsworth in possibly more depth than anyone ever has. She was able to access Ainsworth’s journals, her initial writings, and like I mentioned, even became trained in The Strange Situation and The Adult Attachment Interview!
Y’all, training in The Strange Situation and The Adult Attachment Interview is hard! It’s tedious, it’s a firehose of information, they are loooooong days. I haven’t trained in either myself (The Strange Situation is a week long training and the Adult Attachment Interview is two weeks!) and to imagine going into either without my background as a clinician who is already pretty well steeped in attachment sounds completely overwhelming.
And Bethany said, “I’ve never been happier.”
Live a life of delight!
Ultimately Bethany reflected on how this tenacious deep-dive into attachment theory and Ainsworth’s work has left her with a lot of compassion for herself. She’s doing the best she can, just like everyone else. Beating yourself up, she says, is not going to make yourself a better mom.
We can’t be violent ourselves and expect to emerge as a more gentle, wonderful, light-filled parent. We have to cultivate those qualities in our own hearts.
She said “It’s like wanting to live in a blue house and continuing to paint it green- over and over and over again. If you want to live in a blue house, you need to paint it blue.”
YES. Live what you want! You want to give your child delight? Live a life of delight! You want your child to grown up a curious and compassionate person? Live a curious and compassionate life.
YES!!!!
What does it mean to be a mom? What does it meant to be happy? Content? Loving?
Bethany’s exploration into the science attachment led her to conclusion that behaviors have actually very little to do with attachment. There isn’t a checklist. Raising a child with secure attachment isn’t about breastfeeding or co-sleeping.
It has to do with how you think and feel about our attachments and how this is transmitted from mind to mind, generation to generation.
Bethany ends our conversation with Permission Granted. Go out and live in a place of delight. Have compassion for yourself. You don’t have to go looking for permission for delight, compassion and rest. You can give yourself that permission.
Go find Bethany on Instagram @Bethany_Saltman and explore all the cool things she is offering at www.BethanySaltman.com. The paperback of Strange Situation was released in April.
Bethany and I share a similar drive- to translate the science of attachment and make it easily accessible to everyone. Strange Situation is a gift to the world. It’s a lyrical story and an easy read that highlights the amazing work of Mary Ainsworth while bringing compassion to every parent who reads it.
Robyn
This podcast is part of my series all about attachment. In the coming weeks, we’ll be getting back to the basics. What is attachment? What is secure versus insecure? Why does it matter? How does attachment develop? And ultimately then- how do we change it???
