The Safe and Sound Protocol {EP 48}


Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

The Safe & Sound Protocol can help shift the confirmation bias from DANGER to SAFE.

~Melissa Corkum

Listen on the podcast or keep reading!

Melissa Corkum was the obvious guest to invite on the podcast as part of this Building the Foundation Brain Series.  Melissa was adopted as an infant from Korea and is also a adoptive mom.  She is the co-host and co-founder of The Adoption Connection Podcast– which has now evolved into so much more than a podcast.

Melissa has been supporting adoptive families for many years, training in the Empowered to Connect parenting curriculum that is connected to Trust Based Relational Intervention over ten years ago.  She studies neuroscience and parenting in between raising kids- including at times, homeschooling!- and now offers education, hope and healing to other adoptive families.

Melissa could be a guest that talks about so many different topics but I invited her to the podcast this time to talk specifically about how she uses The Safe and Sound Protocol to support kids and families.

The Safe and Sound Protocol

Developed by Dr. Stephen Porges (the theorist behind Polyvagal Theory), The Safe and Sound Protocol–in the simplest terms—resets the neuroception system.  The neuroception system is the system that determines felt-safety based on cues received through relationship, the environment, and our own inner experience.

All of our senses (touch, sight, smell, proprioception, etc.) play a role in helping the neuroception system determine our level of safety.  The Safe and Sound Protocol specifically aims to help our auditory system take in “cues of safety” from sounds.  Melissa explains that Dr. Porges hypothesized that if we could hyper-expose the ears to ‘sounds of safety’ (specifically, the frequency of the human voice) then the nervous system could in a way be ‘reset’ so it could actually take in sounds of safety.

Hope Versus Expectation

Remember from in The Brilliance of Attachment series and eBook when I talked about how we all have a hope for attuned relational experiences as well as an expectation that is based on our previous experiences?

When we expect danger, we see danger.  In the interview, Melissa talks about this as confirmation bias. Our brain filters information through the lens of our previous experiences and then creates an expectation about what is going to happen.  For people who have had a lot of danger or negative experiences, their brain expects danger and negative experiences.  It even assumes danger and negative experiences and then reacts as such, even when none is present.

The Safe and Sound Protocol helps to shift that confirmation bias.  In a way, it offers a reset to the nervous system and allows the neuroception to not only consider the possibility of expecting safety but also to take in safety when it’s available.

If you are parenting for or caring for someone who has a history of trauma, you are familiar with how that person assumes danger and attributes negative intent- even to the point of overlooking and disregarding positive experiences.

This is the brain’s way of attempting to create safety and prevent danger from happening.  It’s so brilliant!  But just like our attachment adaptations, it isn’t without cost.

Through the nervous system shifts that can be achieved through the Safe and Sound Protocol, it becomes more possible that the safe experiences a person has actually be taken in.  This can shift the individual’s overall sense of safety and and create a new confirmation bias where they expect safety instead of expecting danger. 

What actually IS the Safe and Sound Protocol

It’s music!  Music that has been intentionally digitally mastered to offer ‘sounds of safety.’

Doing The Safe and Sound Protocol is listening to music.  That’s it!  Putting on headphones and listening to music.

The Safe and Sound Protocol was originally designed to be one hour of listening to music, five days in a row.  Initially, The Safe and Sound Protocol was developed to support children on the autism spectrum who struggled with auditory sensitivity.  As the uses for The Safe and Sound Protocol expand, so does the implementation of the protocol.

In order to make The Safe and Sound Protocol as accessible as possible to the people who need it most, it isn’t difficult to become trained to administer the Safe and Sound Protocol.  This has many benefits in increasing accessibility, but there are also a few drawbacks.  Potential families and clients may have to spend some extra time and energy to find a practitioner who is trained in and experienced with working with children and families with a history of complex trauma.

Experienced and attuned practitioners can support a family by adjusting the protocol in order to decrease the possibility of adverse reactions.  Melissa really recommends finding a practitioner who can titrate the protocol in a way that honors the nervous system. 

Building the Foundation of the Brain

The Safe and Sound Protocol is working to regulate the autonomic nervous system, which is part of the brainstem- the lowest and earliest developed part of the brain.  The autonomic nervous system creates the foundation of the brain.

Remember in last week’s podcast I talked about the importance of building a house on top of a strong foundation?  That way, the foundation can support the house through stressors.

That’s a pretty decent metaphor for the brain.  The autonomic nervous system – which includes energy, arousal, and is intricately involved in our neuroception system, is physically lower in the brain than the systems responsible for relational processing and cognitive processing.

When the autonomic nervous system is dysregulated or the confirmation bias in the brain is heavily tilted toward DANGER DANGER, it becomes extremely difficult to take in the safety of attuned relationships even when those cues are present.

A Catalyst

I’ve worked with so many families who are offering safe, seen, soothed, and secure experiences to their children in the best way they possibly can.  But because of how the child’s nervous system is expecting to experience danger, it feels difficult or even impossible to make much progress in helping the child experience safety and regulation.

Melissa describes how The Safe and Sound Protocol can feel like a ‘catalyst’ in the nervous system.  It allows the nervous system to potentially shift toward safety sooner than therapy, therapeutic parenting, or other more ‘traditional’ interventions can bring about.  And because of this, it can then allow therapy and therapeutic parenting to create more impactful change.

The Both And

The Safe and Sound Protocol is an intervention that on one hand, relieves the caregiver from feeling as though all of their child’s healing is their responsibility.  It is also true, though, that even the Safe and Sound Protocol brings about change partially through relational safety.

Melissa requires the parents in the families she works with to also experience The Safe and Sound Protocol.  The way The Safe and Sound Protocol helps to regulate and shift the parent’s nervous system can have a positive impact the child’s sense of safety.  The Safe and Sound Protocol is also intended to be administered while the child is, in the very moments of listening, experiencing relational safety.

So yes, the Safe and Sound Protocol is an intervention that doesn’t completely rest on relational experiences, like therapy, while also needing relational safety to be present.

Back to Felt Safety

Here we are again, talking about felt-safety!  Yes, felt-safety really is underneath everything.

Felt-safety isn’t exclusively the parent’s responsibility. As parents, there is so much we can do to offer our children experiences of felt-safety.  At the same time, the child’s nervous system is independent of us, filtering their experiences and deciding if they are safe or not.

Regulation Rescue

Melissa offers a 60 day, all inclusive program, called the Regulation Rescue.  The program teaches caregivers how to offer cues of safety to their children through and involves both parent coaching, support, and The Safe and Sound Protocol.  In the program, Melissa walks families step-by-step through a very specific path toward offering and scaffolding cues of safety.  Melissa also incorporates aroma therapy into her work with families in order to pair a specific smell with the felt-sense of safety.  This tool is based on the theory of a conditioned response- the intentional pairing of two seemingly unrelated things.

Her approach is solidly based in neuroscience and I’m so grateful for innovative practitioners like Melissa who are pushing the boundaries of how we can help families experience and create moments of healing.

Go find Melissa!

The Adoption Connection

The Adoption Connection Podcast

The Adoption Connection Facebook Community

IG: The Adoption Connection

FB: The Adoption Connection

Regulation Rescue

Free eBook on the Brilliance of Attachment

In this podcast interview, Melissa talked about confirmation in a similar way to how I talk about hope vs. expectation in relationship.   You can read more about hope versus expectation, especially with regard to how that’s related to attachment and our history of relational experiences, in my F R E E eBook, The Brilliance of Attachment.

Just let me know below the email address where you’d like me to send it!

Robyn

Join the Newsletter

Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

    We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

    This blog is a summary of the podcast interview with Melissa Corkum.   You can listen to the podcast directly on my website HERE or search for Parenting after Trauma wherever you listen to podcasts- iTunes, Google Podcast, Stitcher, Spotify, and more!

    Are you ready to end the loneliness that comes along with parenting a child with a history of trauma?  Then you’re ready to join The Club– a virtual community of connection, co-regulation, and a little education. The Club will be opening for new members this fall.  Grab a spot on the waiting list HERE.

    /4 Comments/by

    A NeuroDevelopmental Approach: Right Intervention, Right Time {EP 47}


    Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

    If you’re reading this blog or listening to this podcast, my guess is that this isn’t your first experience with a parenting ‘expert.’

    If you read this blog because you’re a therapist, this probably isn’t your first experience learning from a child therapist ‘expert.’

    The parents and professionals who come to me, my blog, and my podcast are searching for something new.

    Listen on the podcast or keep reading!

    Something that Makes Sense & Something That Works.

    You may have had a felt sense all along that some of the most mainstream ways we support kids and behaviors just didn’t make sense to you.

    Or maybe they did make sense but then they just simply didn’t work.

    And one thing led to another and now you’re here, with me!  On my blog, or listening to my podcast.

    Like You…

    Like many of you, I also was searching for something that made more sense and that honestly just worked better.  I’ve always had the drive to look for relational approaches–to truly understand what is going on underneath behavior–and have been studying attachment since high school.

    Also like many of you, I had plenty of experiences of being trained in more behavioral or even just more mainstream approaches to children and behavior.

    They Didn’t Work!

    My therapy room was destroyed.

    I was hurt.  Several times.

    Something wasn’t right and I knew it right away.

    I suppose it was possible that I just wasn’t a very good therapist– and I probably wasn’t– back in those early days.  But still.  Something wasn’t right.

    What I was equipped with– cognitive approaches, child centered play therapy, behavioral interventions and consequences– was clearly not working for the children I was working with.

    Or their parents.

    They were parents like you- good parents who tried.  If those approaches were going to work, these families wouldn’t have landed in my office.

    So I did what I do which is I got a bit obsessive about figuring it out.

    The Trampoline that Changed Everything

    I got lucky and had an officemate and mentor who kept a trampoline in his office.  And who didn’t have a lot of time to coddle my ego and just straight up let me know I was doing it wrong.

    I didn’t know what to do different but jumping on a trampoline seemed more fun than getting bit– so I was intrigued.

    This led me to Bruce Perry- where I learned the science to justify the trampoline in my office (and ultimately a yoga ball, pogo stick, balance board, and an aerial hammock and swing).

    Then I discovered the boarder field of the relational neurosciences- starting with Interpersonal Neurobiology, Polyvagal theory, Memory Reconsolidation Theory, and Affect Regulation Theory.

    This literally changed everything for me.

    Interpersonal Neurobiology

    Interpersonal Neurobiology isn’t techniques or tools.  It’s not even a clinical theory.  It’s a theory of being human.

    It has changed my core fundamental understanding of what it means to be human and therefore has given me a map that I can bring into the office and apply to treatment planning.

    More than that– it’s given me a map that I can bring into every aspect of my life.

    Behavior is Simply a Clue

    Behavior is simply a clue about a person’s autonomic state- felt safety, regulation, and their openness- or seeking- of connection.

    The tools, techniques, and clinical theory I was equipped with made assumptions about my client’s state of regulation and brain development based solely on chronological age.

    Child-centered play therapy makes the assumption that a five-year-old has the regulation and internalized sense of self that was needed to benefit from symbolic or projective play.

    A NeuroDevelopmental Approach

    Learning about Interpersonal Neurobiology, and especially Dr. Bruce Perry’s Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics, validated for me was that chronological age is largely irrelevant in the therapy room and that I needed to meet my clients- the kids and the adults- in the correct neurodevelopmental space.

    For kids and adults with histories of complex and relational trauma, and for many of my kids with really dysregulated behaviors, I wasn’t meeting them where they were.

    I wanted them to have symbolic and metaphor play skills that they simply didn’t have.

    Yet.

    You may have heard Dr. Perry’s catchy phrase that the order of operations is always regulate, relate, reason.

    Regulate first.

    When I was a new therapist, I didn’t even know what regulate meant.

    I had no idea how the autonomic nervous system was related to therapy.

    Turns out…a lot.  Like…everything.

    Autonomic Nervous System

    The autonomic nervous system is underneath everything.  Certainly behavior.

    We want to believe we have a lot of cognitive control over our behavior but really, we don’t.  We can work to develop more conscious awareness and control over our behavior, but even still– most behavior is implicit.

    People who experienced trauma, loss, toxic stress while their autonomic nervous system was busy developing have had the regulation of their autonomic nervous system impacted.

    Ultimately this means that their behavior is pretty baffling, confusing, and overwhelming.

    Right Intervention Wrong Time

    Child Center Play Therapy or other approaches that support the client in engaging in projective, metaphor or symbolic play is not a bad treatment approach. It’s an excellent treatment approach and provides the safety and the distance for the child to touch distressing memories in a safe space so they can integrate.

    Cognitive therapies or approaches that help kids identify thinking errors and coping skills are not a bad treatment approach.  Becoming mindful of our own thoughts and making the previously held implicit beliefs more explicit can be an important step in increasing integration.

    These aren’t bad or wrong therapies.  They just are often used at the wrong time, especially with children with histories of complex trauma.

    Complex trauma in early life impacts the develop of the autonomic nervous system, regulation, and sense of self.  It impacts the develop of the neurobiology that is needed to benefit from child-centered play therapy.

    Beyond Trauma Informed

    Complex trauma has always been my area of expertise but studying the Relational Neurosciences has shifted my understanding of ALL humans.

    Regulation, felt-safety, and connection- our autonomic state- is underneath all of our behaviors.

    We had to start with regulate.

    If we have children or clients who have autonomic nervous system vulnerabilities due to trauma or toxic stress, we may have to start with with therapies and interventions that support the lowest part of the brain.  The child may need us to stay with those types of interventions for a while.

    This might feel frustrating is your child is seven or 10 or 15- and you want them to have age-appropriate capabilities for impulse control, cause and effect, and self-awareness.  You want them to have an age-appropriate ‘pause’ before they act so they can make a choice.   They may even demonstrate those skills occasionally.

    But children with a history of complex trauma who have a shaky foundation of the brain quickly lose their ability to have relational or logical behaviors when their autonomic nervous system is stressed.

    Their foundation collapses. 

    Dr. Perry’s work and the Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics shows us that children with a shaky foundation in the brain (brainstem and autonomic nervous system disorganization and dysregulation) need therapeutic experiences that are based in the here and now (not prompting self-reflection or symbolic play) to promote organization and regulation.

    This neurodevelopmental lens also helps us make sense of behaviors as a completely appropriate response given the vulnerabilities in their nervous system, as opposed to a behavior problem that needs punished or a characterological problem. 

    The problem isn’t the child’s behavior. The problem is the disruption of the energy and arousal that is fueling that behavior.

    Strengthen the Foundation

    If I don’t want to get hurt in a therapy session, helping the child developing coping skills to calm down before they start hitting and throwing things will only be helpful if the problem is that they don’t have coping skills. But this is almost never the case. The problem is that they aren’t regulated

    Coping skills are important. But if the child’s energy and arousal is dysregulated to the point that they are rapidly escalating, continually making “mountains out of molehills” or behaving in head-scratching ways that leave adults feeling baffled and overwhelmed, what that child needs isn’t coping skills. They need increased regulation in their autonomic nervous system, which is in the bottom-most and inside-most part of their brain.

    Teaching coping skills to a dysregulated child is like focusing on the decorations when you are earthquake-proofing your house. It’s way more important to strengthen the foundation, not nail picture frames to the wall. If the house collapses, it doesn’t really matter if the picture frames didn’t fall down.

    So…how do we do this?

    Well, I’m glad you asked!

    This is what I’m going to focusing on for the next six weeks on my blog and podcast– strengthening the foundation of the brain.  I have some great guests lined up, too, starting with a guest interview next week about the Safe and Sound Protocol.

    At the end of this series, you’ll have the opportunity to go deeper and get more practical, more hands on with the material, and of course, waaaay more support by joining us in The Club– because strengthening the foundation of the brain will be our focus in The Club October through the end of the year.

    If you’re a professional and you’re curious to learn how I’ve incorporated this bottom-up approach inside a traditional hour-a-week outpatient therapy paradigm, I have something special in store for you this fall, too.  Stay tuned 😊

    Therapeutic Moments

    I’ve come to be a believer in therapeutic moments.  So much healing and changing can happen– it must happen– outside the therapeutic hour.

    I want to empower you to become your child’s expert, to see behavior for what it truly is, and give you the tools to help regulate and organize your child’s nervous system- because that’s when the behavior you are looking for will begin to emerge.

    Robyn

    Join the Newsletter

    Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

    I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

    Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

      We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

      /0 Comments/by

      Imperfect Parenting Grows Resilience {EP 46}


      Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

      Relationship has nothing to do with perfection.  We are going to mess up.  Our kids are going to mess up.

      ~Dr. Amy Stoeber

      Listen on the podcast or keep reading!

      Meet Dr. Amy!

      Dr. Amy Stoeber is a clinical psychologist in the Portland, OR area.  She has a small private practice where she works with kids and families who have a history of trauma and toxic stress.  Amy also trains medical professionals on recognizing trauma in their patients and families, and then helps them know how to support the building of strong thriving families and resilient children.

      Trauma-Informed Resilience

      Amy is at the forefront of shifting the conversation around trauma away from “What’s wrong with you?” and toward the important conversation on resilience. 

      As families and professionals develop an understanding of Adverse Childhood Experiences and then a broader understanding of the impact of trauma and toxic stress, the conversation is beginning to focus more on the question of “now what?”  

      How do we promote resilience in children to mitigate the impact of trauma?

      What is resilience?

      A common definition of resilience is the ability to bounce-back.  Amy talks about how many survivors of trauma don’t resonate with that definition and added that “trauma survivors don’t feel particularly bouncy.”

      Resilience: the ability to overcome and face challenges and be strengthened rather than defeated by them. 

      But Amy went out to emphasize that resilience isn’t the responsibility of the survivor.  

      Relationships, systems, and community all help to co-create resilience.  We can all take responsibility for creating experiences that promote resilience within one another and our communities. 

      Buoyancy

      A few years ago, I worked with a moms group and one of the moms stated that she wanted to feel ‘buoyant.’  She knew that the stress and chaos in her home wasn’t likely to change much, and that there came a point where she couldn’t really even control that.  

      What she was aiming for was to increase her capacity to just ‘ride the wave.’ 

      She wanted to be able to ask herself, “What can I do in this moment that could support my nervous system to be more buoyant- so I can ride the wave instead of being taken over by the tsunami?”

      Amy and I talk about how resilience isn’t about toxic positivity or looking for the good in the trauma.  Resilience is about acknowledging the impact of trauma and then finding ways to move forward as a person impacted by trauma. 

      How Do We Build the Buffering?

      Whether a child has had a traumatic history or not, relationship builds the buffering.  This is true about all kids, actually.  A history of trauma definitely makes it more challenging to build resilience but it’s the same path- safe, stable, nurturing, and consistent relationships. 

      Within those relationships, children need unconditional love.

      What is Unconditional Love?

      Unconditional love means that children can feel that their caregiver’s love for them persists even when they have challenging behaviors. 

      Unconditional love, Amy says, is our ability to separate our kids from their behavior.  Kids will always challenge us as adults- they are supposed to test boundaries! Kids with a history of trauma can have extremely challenging behaviors.  Unconditional love is a clear message to a child that no matter what, you aren’t going anywhere. 

      Amy clarified that unconditional love doesn’t mean we always like our kids’ behaviors or even just like them in general.  Unconditional love isn’t about being a perfect parent.  It’s about communicating to kids that we aren’t going anywhere. 

      Understanding the Why Behind Behavior

      Amy and I talked about my love for teaching parents the theory behind behavior.  I have found repeatedly and consistently that when adults understand why their children are acting the way they are- whether it’s because this is developmentally normal boundary-pushing behavior or it’s a behavior that has emerged from their trauma history- they are able to stay more regulated and communicate this experience of unconditional love. 

      If we understand that our child’s attachment trauma is contributing to their bizarre behavior, if I can make sense of that behavior, then I as the adult can separate my child from their behavior.  

      I can also separate myself from their behavior- not take it personally!

      And…I can set a boundary more effectively.

      This all helps us anchor back into unconditional love- which brings us back to resilience. 

      Hope versus Expectation

      Amy and I laughed a bit about how I wrote about hope versus expectation in my series on attachment.  

      All of us hope to receive unconditional love in relationships.  Many of us, because of our own history in relationships, also have the expectation that we won’t receive it- so we behave in ways that make it more likely we will receive what we expect as opposed to what we hope.

      As parents, if we can understand this, we can again soothe ourselves and stay connected to our children’s hope for unconditional love even when they are acting in ways that seem to say they don’t want any connection.

      Self Compassion

      This is hard!!!  Amy and I are professionals who live and breathe practicing this and we don’t always get it right- in both our personal and professional lives.  

      So of course the parents we work with aren’t always going to get it right and definitely our children aren’t going to always get it right. 

      Luckily, none of us have to get it right all the time- and this brings us back to self-compassion. 

      We all mess up.  A lot.  We all had parents who messed up.  Maybe a lot.

      When we know this is normal and can let go of our expectation to be perfect, we can make a repair when we mess up.

      The repair matters and it matters a lot.

      Ruptures are going to happen in relationships.  It’s impossible to avoid a rupture and even if we could, we wouldn’t want to.

      Rupture & Repair

      In the interview, Amy and I get a little geeky with excitement about rupture and repair.  I am a rupture and repair fangirl because:

      •  It’s a learnable skill
      • It can be scaffolded

      For so many parents, repairing a rupture feels so vulnerable. It feels like an impossible task. 

      It’s not! 

      Repair can start with a tiny gesture and not an overt repair or apology.  The vulnerability of repair can be titrated and tolerated over time- promise!

      Imperfect Parenting is Perfect

      Relationship has nothing to do with perfection.  We are going to mess up.  Our kids are going to mess up. 

      Attachment research shows us attunement happens in securely attached relationships about 33% of the time.  The rest is just rupture and repair.

      Repair, of course, requires attunement which brings the percentage up to about 70% attunement.  

      Ruptures make repairs possible- they aren’t bad, we just have to follow up those ruptures with a repair.

      Connect with Dr. Amy Stoeber

      You can learn more about Dr. Amy over at:

      Doctoramyllc.com

      Instagram @doctoramyllc

      Facebook @doctoramyllc

      She is doing revolutionary work training medical providers on how to support kids and families with a history of trauma.  

      Join the Newsletter

      Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

      I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

      Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

        We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

        Robyn

        Don’t forget to check out this week’s podcast all about attachment, too!   You can listen to the podcast directly on my website HERE or search for Parenting after Trauma wherever you listen to podcasts- iTunes, Google Podcast, Stitcher, Spotify, and more!

        Are you ready to end the loneliness that comes along with parenting a child with a history of trauma?  Then you’re ready to join The Club– a virtual community of connection, co-regulation, and a little education. The Club will be opening for new members this fall.  Grab a spot on the waiting list HERE.  

        /0 Comments/by

        Cookin’ is Connecting with Chef Kibby {EP 45}


        Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

        “Life is messy. Parenting is messy.  Cooking is messy.  But if we do it together, we are creating experiences of togetherness with our children that teaches them they are safe, loved, and empowered.”  Chef Kibby

        Listen on the podcast or keep reading!

        Social media might be good for something after all- like meeting really neat people like Chef Kibby from Cookin’ With Kibby.

        Meet Chef Kibby

        Kibby is a professional chef who has been teaching culinary skills to others for many many years.  He’s also a dad to his biological, adopted, and foster kids.  

        Kibby has shifted his professional life to be supporting foster and adoptive families with what has got to be, from my very non-scientific way I collect data, difficulties: FOOD.

        The families I work with almost always have an undercurrent of energy around food and feeding.  Sometimes it’s not just an undercurrent- it’s the primary, biggest challenge.  

        Feeding our Kids Can Be So Stressful

        There’s just so much that goes into food and feeding. Our own history, societal messages about parenting, subtle and not-so-subtle messages we get from well-meaning (and not well-meaning) friends, family, and even the doctor about the right and wrong way to feed our kids, and how for some reason we make meaning about how good of a parent we are based on how well we can control what our child does and doesn’t eat.  

        I see this even in families where the child doesn’t have an obvious history of food trauma or scarcity.

        This actually makes complete sense because food, attachment, and giving and receiving nurturing are intricately intertwined.  They cannot be teased apart.  

        Cooking Is Connecting

        Kibby is taking a unique and in my not-so-humble opinion brilliant approach to supporting families where there is just too much negative and stressful around food and feeding.  

        Kibby isn’t a therapist.  He’s a chef and a dad who intimately knows the power of bringing families together in the kitchen.  He’s clearly a keen observer and has developed a program with structure, yet flexibility, that empowers parents to create connection with their children in the kitchen.  

        What Food Can Really Be

        Kibby showed up his whole self in this interview and shared with vulnerability how COVID impacted- well we could say decimated- his business.  Pandemics, groups of people, and eating just don’t go together.  (You have to take your mask off to eat…).  Kibby found himself facing a pandemic, the loss of his business, and the loss of his personal and professional identity.  

        Oh boy, do I ever relate to that!  Pandemics, groups of people and conferences, trainings and workshops don’t go together well either (yup, I canceled 18 events on March 13, 2020…)

        Kibby ultimately used this as an opportunity to really look at what’s important to him and the impact he wants to make in the world.

        He took a step back and looked at what food can really be.  

        More than just food on the table, it can be a deep, life-changing relational experience.  

        The first step- a mental shift

        Sure, that sounds good in theory- but what about families who flip their lid just thinking about food and feeding?

        It all starts with a mental shift, Kibby says.  Even for him- who has a lot of skill and confidence in the kitchen- he had some mental shifts to make when choosing to make food, meal prep, and meal time an intentional time of connection with his family.  Kibby had to examine his own beliefs about himself and feeding his family and be brave at how those beliefs were impacting him with his kids.  

        It always starts there- looking inward at our own beliefs and expectations.  Y’all I wish it didn’t because it’s just so much work!  But it always starts there.

        The second step- a strategy

        After thinking about our mindset, the next step is to come up with a strategy- how do you as a parent start implementing these ideas to integrate cooking and connection.

        Which is exactly what Kibby has created!  He has a framework for families that gives structure but not rigidity (which is the very foundation of parenting with connection and co-regulation as a foundation!) so parents and caregivers can feel confident- like they have a plan – with bringing their child into the kitchen.  

        You can get a glimpse of this framework by signing up for Kibby’s emails and listening to his podcast.

        Spoiler- he’s working on developing a workbook that sounds so completely brilliant.  

        The Kitchen is a Vulnerable Place

        Kibby and I get real for a moment on the vulnerability that is inherent in bringing our children into the kitchen with us.  For some parents, it’s the only place they feel in control.  For some, the kitchen has never been a place they were comfortable.  For some, the kitchen has turned into the most stressful room in the house because of all the food and feeding stress in the family.

        Cooking also comes along with a lot of opportunity for mistakes!  Mistakes with chopping, measuring, or something doesn’t turn out right.  Relational mistakes because of frustration or failed expectations.

        What mistakes mean- though- is opportunities to repair.

        The Power of Repair

        Y’all know how I feel about the power of repair!  It’s basically a magic ingredient in attachment.  Repairing ruptures with our kids is seriously the most powerful tool for helping our kids move toward secure attachment.  

        Plus, cooking actually could become playful and joyful!  Really it can be.  And playfulness, joy, and delight are more ingredients in secure attachment.  

        To read more about attachment, especially the power of rupture and repair, CLICK HERE to download my free eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment.

        Attunement, Trial & Error

        Kibby and I round out this interview with tips for parents who have kids who are ….let’s just say resistant…to getting involved in the kitchen.  Of course- this just comes back to attunement and scaffolding.  What is the child interested in doing?  Meal planning? Grocery shopping? Washing or chopping?  Setting the table?  Choosing what dessert to make?  

        “Like so many things, this takes attunement, trial and error,” he says. Kibby acknowledges that this is hard, especially for parents who are parenting kids with a history of relationship trauma and loss.  

        Healing Moments

        Dr. Bruce Perry talks about the power of healing moments.  Instead of healing hours (like therapy), healing moments are powerful ways to increase connection and resilience and decrease an over-active stress response.

        Cooking is Connecting offers the opportunity to look for these moments.  

        We Are All Just Fumbling Through

        Before we sign off, Kibby and I offer compassion to everyone caring for kids with big behaviors, kids who have had hard things happen.  This is hard.  Really really really hard.  It often feels like it doesn’t go well.  Parents are too hard on themselves and can shame themselves for mistakes, mess-ups, and ruptures in their relationship with their child.

        We are all just fumbling through.  We all have our experiences of hurt because of rejection.  Add food into the equation and the experience of feeling rejected, of feeling as though our offering of nurturing is being rejected seems to be multiplied.

        That pain, that rejection, is real.  You can acknowledge your child’s pain and what is driving their rejecting behavior and still acknowledge that the rejection hurts.

        All of those feelings are valid.

        Life is messy. Parenting is messy.  Cooking is messy.  But if we do it together, we are creating experiences of togetherness with our children that teaches them they are safe, loved, and empowered.  

        Connect with Chef Kibby

        RUN RIGHT NOW to find Chef Kibby and all the cool things he is offering.

        CookinWithKibby.com

        Chef Kibby on IG

        Cookin With Kibby podcast

        His online course: Knife Skills for Busy Families

        Cooking is Connecting 20 Day Challenge

        Robyn

        Join the Newsletter

        Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

        I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

        Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

          We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

          Don’t forget to check out this week’s podcast all about attachment, too!   You can listen to the podcast directly on my website HERE or search for Parenting after Trauma wherever you listen to podcasts- iTunes, Google Podcast, Stitcher, Spotify, and more!

          Are you ready to end the loneliness that comes along with parenting a child with a history of trauma?  Then you’re ready to join The Club– a virtual community of connection, co-regulation, and a little education. The Club will be opening for new members this fall.  Grab a spot on the waiting list HERE.  

          /0 Comments/by

          The Club has a Manifesto

          It’s not creepy, I promise!

          Actually, I’ve come to believe that the Manifesto might be one of the most important aspects of The Club.

          Can you imagine being surrounded by people who you know are committed to these truths??

          The Club’s Manifesto

          Regulated, Connected Kids who Feel Safe Behave Well.

          Not perfect…but like kids. Pushing boundaries. Messing up. Like all humans.

          Regulated Connected Parents who Feel Safe Parent the Way They Want To.

          Not perfect…with plenty of opportunities to mess up and make it right again. Like all humans.

          Compassionate Boundaries have a place in connection-based, brain-based parenting.

          We will set them with each other and with our children.

          Hard things are less hard when we do them with other people.

          Even with strangers. Even virtually (says Social Baseline Theory).

          We come to know who we are through the eyes of the other.

          We need people who will reflect to us our infinite worth.

          In every moment, we are all doing the absolute very best we can.

          Your child. Everyone in The Club. YOU.

          Everyone. EVERYONE. Has Infinite Worth.

          Your child. Everyone in the Club.  YOU.

          Changing how we see people changes people.

          We are all perfectly imperfect and overflowing with infinite worth.

          The brain changes and heals in relationship.

          My brain changes because of you. And your brain changes because of me.

          AND THE CLUB.

          ****

          I recorded a short podcast episode all about the manifesto, why I created it, and how it’s been critical to the culture in The Club.

          And how it’s contributed to parents feeling better.  More regulated.  More compassionate.

          Then they can parent the way they want to, more often.

          Cool, eh?

          Listen here!

          Come join us in The Club!

          We are open for new members June 29 – July 6!

          CLICK HERE for all the details!

          See you inside!

          Join the Newsletter

          Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

          I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

          Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

            We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

            Robyn

            /0 Comments/by

            From Correction to Connection: This Dad’s Journey {EP 55}


            Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

            JD Wilson is one of the co-hosts of the Empowered to Connect podcast and an Empowered to Connect Parent Trainer. He’s also the director of Director of Communication and Community Engagement at Memphis Family Connection Center. Most importantly though, JD is a dad and he got his training – and continued practice!- in connection-based parenting ‘on the job.’

            Keep reading or listen on the podcast

            JD and I finally met earlier this year when he and his co-host Tona Ottinger interviewed me on the Empowered to Connect podcast- and oh my goodness, did we laugh our heads off. I wanted to have JD on the podcast if for no other reason than to re-create how much fun we had when on was on his.

            From Correction to Connection

            JD vulnerably shares his story of struggling to parent his kids in a way that felt good, to taking the Empowered to Connect training as a dad, to starting the Empowered to Connect podcast, to becoming an Empowered to Connect trainer, and now jumping onto the professional team at MFCC.

            JD is obviously a fun and playful guy, and he seems so aware of himself, that it might be easy to think that this connected way of parenting is a cinch for him.

            We laughed together about that.

            From Legend to Lost

            JD admitted that he went into the parenting journey expecting it to be pretty easy. Apparently, before he became a parent, JD was a ‘legend’ as a baby-sitter and he expected that this would be true in parenting.

            JD and his wife turned to connected parenting because they didn’t know what else to do. Their tools weren’t working, the way that they were parented when they were children wasn’t working. They wanted to learn a different way.

            It wasn’t easy. In fact, JD said “for the first couple years of shifting our parenting, it felt like we were running through a swamp.”

            It was just so hard to actually put the connected parenting ideals into practice.

            One Day It Finally Clicked

            JD shared a story about the day when he felt like he was finally able to truly by the connected parent he was striving to be.

            He remembers that he was finally able to stay regulated long enough to be with his child through their entire dysregulated experience and that all the co-regulation tools he had learned finally worked.

            Worked meaning he and his child felt more connected after, and worked meaning it brought a new level of intimacy to their overall relationship.

            “Once we began to get connected to our whole child and their whole heart, it became a lot more difficult to respond with anger or to stay focused on just correcting their behavior- and it became a lot more worth it.”

            For JD, the definition of worked shifted from “How do I get this behavior to stop?” to “Does my kid have permission to be their true whole self, regardless of what that looks like. Can I be with them in their true, authentic experience?”

            At the end of the day, JD said, what every human being is longing for is connection. To be fully known and fully loved.

            It’s what the adults need, too

            A Journey For Our Kids…and Ourselves

            JD and I agreed that we both went on journeys that seemed like we were looking for tools to help our kids, but really we were unknowingly searching for the tenets of connection-based parenting for ourselves.

            “I’ve discovered a new depth of joy from working to be authentic and fully present in my relationships with my children, which has impacted all of my relationships- including the one with myself.

            Connected-Parenting Tipping Point

            JD and I dove a little deeper into his connected parenting tipping point- the moment not when his kid finally responded differently to him but the moment when he responded differently to his child. The slow-motion, dramatic-music-moment where it all kinda clicked for him and he was able to truly move toward his child with compassion—and then watch his child’s brain come back into connection.

            JD describes the moment he remembers being able to clearly use his ‘x-ray vision goggles’ (that’s not what he called it, but that’s what was happening!) to see what was going on inside his child. That moment filled JD with compassion and regulation and gave him the energetic space to truly hold all of his child’s feelings and behaviors.

            X-Ray Vision

            YES! This is exactly why I love to dive into the neuroscience with parents and professionals in a way that’s practical and relevant to their real lives. Understanding what’s happening in our children and what is driving their behavior doesn’t just give us better ideas about how to help them- it allows us to stay more regulated.

            When we stay more regulated we see our children for their true selves- a precious child who is struggling. The child is struggling a lot and needs our help!

            Then we change how we see that child.

            Changing how we see people changes people.

            Theory Becomes Real

            JD said that shifting his parenting to a more connected-parenting model required a lot of faith and trust on his part. The science made sense to him and even though it wasn’t immediately easy to implement in his real life, he trusted the people who were teaching him.

            But it wasn’t until that moment that he really felt “Oh, this works.”

            In that moment, it was almost as if he finally got the map instead of just a promise.

            It was such an honor to sit with JD for 50 minutes. He was open, vulnerable, and honest about what’s been hard for him and how many times he’s fallen short (short answer: a lot…just like the rest of us).

            Hit play on the podcast episode to hear the full episode.

            Connect More with JD

            You will definitely want to head over to the Empowered to Connect podcast and hit ‘subscribe.’  JD and his co-host Tona Ottinger are committed to supporting families just like yours.

            Start with the episode where JD and Tona interviewed me!  We laughed our heads off and talked about why There’s No Such Thing as Self-Regulation

            Robyn

            Join the Newsletter

            Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

            I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

            Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

              We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

              /0 Comments/by

              Why Good Times Suddenly Go Bad {EP 32}

              parenting


              Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

              Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

              Big things, like their birthday party, major holiday celebration at Grandma’s, or a vacation to Disney World.

              Little things, like Trunk or Treat at church, an afternoon at Jumpoline, or even recess.

              Why is it that your child can actually be having fun and seem to be having a great time, and then fall into a crater of dysregulation-seemingly in the blink of an eye? 

              You feel whiplashed.  Maybe resentful.  Certainly grieved that for some reason, your sweet family and your precious child are missing out on some of the most anticipated, and seemingly normal, moments of their childhood.  Of being a family.

              Why do some of those best times turn so bad?

              To get to the heart of this, let’s first review the concept of neuroception (you can also check out No  Behavior is Maladaptive to read a little more about neuroception!).

              Neuroception is the phenomenon underneath felt safety.  The lower, unconscious, and faster-than-cognitive-thoughts parts of our brain are scanning for danger an estimated FOUR TIMES every second.  Every ¼ of a second (at least), the brain is asking “Safe?? Not safe?!?!?!”  Based on the answer to this question- four times every second!!!- our brain and nervous system shift into either connection mode or protection mode. 

              Connection or Protection?

              Our desperate-to-survive-above-all-else brains have a negativity bias- meaning that if it is going to make a mistake, it is going to err on the side of deciding something was NOT SAFE even if it actually was SAFE.  Our brilliant brains also supercharge threatening experiences in our memory systems so that when we successfully fight off a sabre tooth tiger, the next time we see even a glimmer of a sabre tooth in our peripheral vision, we immediately access the memory networks that will help us claim victory once again. 

              The brain isn’t really that concerned with if the sabre tooth in your periphery is actually just a harmless kitty cat from your favorite next-door neighbor.  Since the brain’s job is to keep you ALIVE, it is fine with you overreacting to the neighbor’s kitty cat as opposed to underreacting to the life-threatening sabre tooth tiger that roams your suburban neighborhood. 

              Danger Danger!!!

              Remember Pavlov from that psychology class in high school? Pavlov was able to get dogs to salivate to a sound of a bell by repeatedly pairing that sound with their dinner.  The dogs started to connect the sound of a bell to “DINNER!!!!” …even though there really isn’t any relationship between the two (outside that lab experiment). 

              Some of your kids have paired “DANGER” with things that aren’t actually dangerous (the telephone ringing)- because, at one point in time, that thing WAS dangerous (maybe the phone rang and at that same moment, they witnessed horrible domestic violence). 

              Or maybe everything was dangerous. 

              So this might help you begin to figure out why certain fun experiences actually turn your kid into a dysregulated mess.  Think about those environments and be curious- is anything in that environment something that was previously paired with danger for my child?  Sounds? Smells?

              I’m kinda a geek about memory science and because I love it so much and want to share it with anyone who will listen, I made a three-part video series on the impact of Trauma on Memory and Behaviors.  Go check it out, if you haven’t already.  It’s FREE.

              The Power of Internal and External Cues

              But there is one more reallllllly important thing to think about.

              The brain and neuroception are interested in both EXTERNAL cues (discussed above) and INTERNAL cues.

              Heart rate. 

              Respiration. 

              Cortisol levels. 

              Sympathetic activation. 

              All those things change when your child is having a great time. 

              Recess?!?!  Definite increase in heart rate, respiration, and sympathetic activation. 

              Birthday party?!?!?  Increase. 

              Well….all of those things also increase during a fight/flight/freeze DANGER DANGER response. 

              Fight or Flight Response

              As your child’s heart rate elevates- as sympathetic arousal elevates due to excitement, or in order to power your child’s body through the energy-required gross motor activities of the birthday party- your child’s brain is still scanning for danger. 

              This time- the danger might actually be coming from INSIDE your child’s body.

              Just like Pavlov can pair a bell with salivation, your child’s body can pair increased heart rate with “I’m about to die.” 

              The switch is flipped and all those fun times turn IMMEDIATELY into dysregulation.

              Dysregulation is fueled by the fact that your child is already in sympathetic activation- so the dysregulation might be BIG.

              All of the sudden, everyone is out to hurt your child. 

              An innocent bump on the trampoline causes your child to retaliate with a fist because his brain believed it was an attack. Or the sweet fun your child was having turns a bit maniacal.  It’s out of control. Your child suddenly can’t hear or listen or stop doing the outrageously impulsive thing she is doing. 

              The brain is scanning for danger outside AND inside the body.

              Early in your child’s life, sympathetic activation only meant DANGER.  It didn’t mean fun or shared pleasure.  Only danger. 

              The really great news is that this pairing can be undone.  It takes time, patience, and perhaps a skilled therapist, but mostly a patient and attuned parent who can help the brain re-learn that an increased heart rate can just mean there is a TON of fun happening. 

              Robyn

              Join the Newsletter

              Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

              I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

              Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

                We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

                /0 Comments/by

                Parents Need Co-Regulation, Too! {EP 24}


                Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

                Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

                When I’m falling (crashing!) outside my window of stress tolerance, I need help.

                For years and years, my therapist offered me the co-regulation I needed.  And needed it, I did.  If it had been socially appropriate (or uh, legal), I would have lived in my therapist’s waiting room.  For years. 

                I used to be embarrassed to admit that.

                It felt so needy.  Small.  Embarrassing. 

                What’s embarrassing about being human?

                We all need co-regulation.

                Me.  You.

                When our kids are getting dysregulated quickly, flipping their lids a lot, or having mountain reactions out of mole-hill sized problems, what they need is more connection and co-regulation.

                Do you know any adults right now getting dysregulated quickly?  Flipping their lids…a lot?  Having mountain reactions out of mole-hill sized problems???

                I’m asking for a friend 😉

                Adult brains and kid brains are different for sure, but in this way, we are the same.  Lots of lid flipping and mountains out of mole hills simply means there’s a brain that needs more help.  More support. More connection. More co-regulation. 

                When two nervous systems come together in the space between, their windows of stress tolerance dance together.  A more regulated nervous system can lend their regulation to the other.  Isn’t that lovely?

                Sometimes it’s a very active process.

                It might sound like “Can I get you something to drink?” “How can I help?” “Do you want to go for a walk?”

                It might sound like “Wow.  That’s super hard.” “Of course you feel that way.” “That makes so much sense to me.” “I think what I’m hearing you say is this…am I getting that right?”

                It might sound like a breath.  It might feel like a touch of the hand.  It might look like eyes that are reflecting back your pain.

                Sometimes it’s a more passive process.

                It’s the energy in the air that exists between you and your friend, partner, neighbor, therapist.  It’s energy that exists when you are together and eventually becomes energy you can access when you aren’t physically together.

                If you are parenting a child with a history trauma, a child with any brain-based difference, a child with a fragile mental health, a child with baffling and confusing behaviors, a child who seems to feel hurt by connection, a child with a special need…

                You need connection and co-regulation.

                You deserve connection and co-regulation.

                You deserve to be seen and held and known.

                You deserve to offer that same “I see you” to someone else who is struggling- but the giving is sometimes just as needed and powerful as the receiving. 

                Something fascinating started to happen last summer. 

                I started to get emails and social media comments and messages that were basically people telling me I was offering them co-regulation.

                Strangers.  People I never met.  That’s the only way we knew each other.

                They were telling me they were hearing my voice in their head when things were hard.

                A soothing voice.  A compassionate voice.  A voice that helped them stay grounded even just a second or two longer.  Sometimes that second or two makes all the difference in the world, right?

                I was thrilled. 

                The kinda thrilled that has a weird giggle that seems to come out of nowhere. 

                These emails were like rocket fuel.  They filled a tank that I’m not even sure I knew I had let alone knew it was starting to get close to empty. 

                We started an official dance of serve and return.  An official dance of co-regulation.  Me and you. 

                I couldn’t believe yet I also knew in my bones that of course we could do this.

                We are doing this. 

                It is soul-filling for me.  I needed the return more than I knew I needed it.  The loneliness of the pandemic.  A complete pivot in my business.  Some of the most difficult six months in my personal life that were leaving me feeling extremely alone and sometimes even hopeless. 

                You sent a return to me.

                So I kept serving. 

                On my blog.  On my podcast!!!  And in The Club.

                Then something extra cool started to happen.  I started to see- how did I miss it before???- that y’all are giving this to each other, too.

                Sometimes it’s just energetic as there are alllll these people alllllllll over the world who are reading the blog or listening to the same podcast episode.

                Sometimes you are engaging with each other on Facebook and Instagram.  Sometimes just your comment gets seen by someone else and it literally changes their whole day.  Maybe more.

                And we are deliberately and intentionally doing this in The Club, which has become my greatest joy; my greatest soul-filler. 

                It’s changing me, and it’s changing YOU.  It’s the connection and co-regulation you have longed for, and maybe didn’t even know it. 

                Connection and co-regulation is what we believe changes our kids brains, so why wouldn’t we believe it changes our brains too? 

                And why wouldn’t we prioritize it over just about anything?????

                In this moment as I write this blog, I imagine my energy going out to you.

                I imagine you reading it.

                I imagine that energy coming back to me.

                I imagine that you hear my voice in your head.  As you read this blog, you begin to internalize me.

                Your brain is changing.  My brain is changing. 

                I am in awe of this…it’s truly beyond words.

                So let’s just feel.

                Robyn

                Join the Newsletter

                Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

                I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

                Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

                  We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

                  /0 Comments/by

                  Undoing Aloneness {EP 22}


                  Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

                  Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

                  There’s a moment of energetic meeting between two people that is the sweetest most human experience possible.

                  In that moment, there’s a breath of

                  I exist. 

                  You exist. 

                  You are with me. 

                  I am not alone.

                  In that moment, there’s an intertwining of energies as the silent dance of co-regulation begins.  

                  These moments are not a luxury.  These moments are a necessity.

                  Parents of kids with a history of relational and complex trauma are some of the loneliest people I’ve ever known.

                  The well of aloneness is deep when you are parenting a child who’s own history in relationships means they are terrified of that sweet moment of energetic meeting.

                  These deeply wounded precious sweet children crave this moment with their entire being in a way that would overwhelm them if they acknowledged it. 

                  These deeply wounded precious sweet children match the intensity of that craving with an intensity of complete rejection.

                  Rejection of themselves and rejection of those who try to meet them in a space of connection.

                  Humans exist whether someone acknowledges that existence or not.

                  But we only KNOW we exist because someone acknowledges our existence. 

                  Because someone meets us in that space of connection. 

                  Someone brings their existence and touches ours.  

                  When children experience deep pain in their earliest relationship- pain of being hurt, pain of being ignored and unseen,

                  pain of being present with adults who were so dysregulated they weren’t energetically present for their child-

                  they do not have the necessary experience of having their existence acknowledged. 

                  So even though they do indeed exist, they hardly have any moments of experiencing that they exist.  It makes existence slippery. 

                  The possibility of not existing is felt and real and utterly annihilatingly terrifying.  

                  When you aren’t sure you exist, you desperately crave confirmation that you do

                  while also desperately doing everything possible to avoid confirmation that you do.

                  Parenting, loving, and attempting to create moments of connection with this deeply wounded precious sweet child is a profoundly lonely journey. And then….absolutely no one gets it.

                  It’s an experience that unless you have direct experience with, unless you can hold the felt sense of it in your own heart and mind and body, it’s impossible to truly understand.

                  The loneliness in parenting becomes compounded when the loneliness isn’t seen. The loneliness is traumatic.

                  It leaves an imprint on our spirits that wreaks havoc on our health (physical and mental) and our relationships (with others, and with ourselves).  

                  I’m writing this for the parents who are longing to feel seen.  

                  I see you.

                  I’m writing this for the professionals who

                  have the great privilege and honor of meeting with these parents.  

                  They need you to see them.  

                  In fact, it’s really the only thing they need from you.

                  They need you to feel comfortable with the truth that you have no idea how to help them.  They need you to feel comfortable with the truth that bringing healing to children who have experienced relational trauma is a loooooooong road without many moments that confirm you are the right road.  They need you to feel comfortable with the enormity of the intensity of both them and their child.  

                  Being uncertain of your own existence in the world is overwhelming.  When it comes into your office, you could become swallowed by the overwhelm or you could welcome the overwhelm, hold it, be with it, see it. 

                  Undoing aloneness is your number one goal.

                  Undoing aloneness in families where it’s possible that the chaos and overwhelm won’t ever change might be your only goal.

                  It’s profoundly healing to not be alone.

                  It’s profoundly healing to have someone meet you there and say

                  “I am not afraid.  I will be with you here.

                    I will confront my own feelings of helplessness

                  and be with you right here.  I will not go.”

                  Parents of kids with relational trauma are desperate for things to change.  They also have a terror and a knowing that it’s possible things won’t.  Yes, they want us- the therapists and professionals- to help things change.  But yes, they also do know that it’s maybe not possible and what they really want is to feel seen. Known. Not alone.

                  They want to be met in that energetic space of meeting.

                  It isn’t a luxury.  It’s a necessity.

                  Robyn

                  Join the Newsletter

                  Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

                  I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

                  Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

                    We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

                    /0 Comments/by

                    Why Do I Get So Dysregulated? {EP 20}


                    Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

                    Or mad? Or scared? Or overwhelmed? Or shut-down?

                    Why do I make a mountain out of a mole hill?  Why can’t I keep it together?  

                    Being ignored (or yelled at or cussed at or disrespected or refusing to eat or do a chore or or or or the list is endless) is never going to feel good.  But- have you ever wondered why your brain goes into full on attacking watch dog mode when the reality is- refusing to do a chore, go to school, or even being ignored or yelled at, isn’t life threatening?

                    Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

                    If it isn’t life threatening, why does our brain go to attack mode?

                    A mode that really we only need in life threatening circumstances?

                    We’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the arousal continuum with regard to our kids – but as my friend Eileen Devine says, the brain is the brain is the brain.  And you have one, too 😉

                    Why does our brain go to attack mode- a mode that is intended to help us survive a life threatening circumstance- if we aren’t in a life threatening situation (and as much as it feels like it’s life threatening, a kid who is refusing to go to school or even yelling and cussing at us isn’t life threatening).

                    Narrow window of stress tolerance

                    For all sorts of reasons, many of us are walking around the world with a narrow window of stress tolerance.  Pandemic.  Economic uncertainty.  Virtual school.

                    Parenting kids with a history of trauma is stressful and overwhelming in the best of circumstances but now some (many?) families are cooped up, have lost their respire, can’t access the limited services they accessed before.  And kids are stressed, isolated, overwhelmed.  Their felt-safety has been shook to the core.  For many kids, this means their trauma-related dysregulation and challenging behaviors are at an all-time high.

                    There’s only so much we can take. 

                    Chronic stress and overwhelm- even when it’s not life-threatening- causes our window of stress tolerance to get smaller…and smaller….and smaller…….

                    When our window of stress tolerance is nice and wide….we can tolerate stress without freaking out.  We have a feeling that matches the stress.  Frustration.  Annoyance. 

                    To be clear….I’m not implying that when our window of tolerance is wide open we just bop through life like Pollyanna, never being frustrated or irritated.

                    When our window of stress tolerance is nice and wide, we can handle frustration, annoyance, irritation, nervousness, sadness…without completely losing it.  We can stay connected to the emotion and then use the emotion to help us know what to do next.

                    Frustration and annoyance might suggest you need to set a boundary.  But when our window of tolerance is nice and wide, we can set the boundary without screaming, yelling, threatening, or becoming overwhelmed.

                    We are all walking around with small windows of tolerances. 

                    And mole hills become mountains and teeny tiny little stressors feel like we are being chased by sabre tooth tigers.

                    Of course now you’re curious about how to increase your window of stress tolerance! 

                    You can read about playfulness and self-compassion– both which absolutely increase our ability to tolerate stress.

                    You can also check out The Club – a virtual group of education, connection, and co-regulation.  I teach some pretty cool things in the group but my focus is actually on facilitating and offering connection and co-regulation (because that changes the brain more than education does!!!).

                    Implicit Memory Awakenings

                    There’s another reason, too, that to the best of my experience, impacts every human on the planet.

                    Early early life experiences shape the way we perceive the world and our expectations about how things are going to go.  We adapt to painful experiences in brilliant ways that help us meet our needs the best way we know how and protect us from overwhelming, and often not co-regulated, pain.

                    Maybe when we were verrrrrry small, our own cries and needs went unanswered.  A lot.  When we are small, having our needs ignored a lot is indeed life threatening.  Our brain experiences the lack of response as something that is very very dangerous.

                    When we are 40, and our children ignore us, we aren’t in a life threatening situation.  But we have a very intricate and brilliant protective system that is always on alert and trapped in the past- so it can experience being ignored as life threatening and cause a “I’m in life threatening danger!!!!” response.

                    Maybe when we were verrrrrrry small, ignoring our parents was verrrrrrry dangerous.  We learned that if we didn’t immediately respond, and respond in a way that satisfied them (who knew what that was, but we sure tried!!!) we would get hurt- physically or emotionally.

                    Now we are 50, and when our children ignore us our own verrrrrrrry wise and still on alert and stuck in the past protective system actually is trying to protect our children by having an enormous reaction that gets a response from them.  It’s not safe to ignore!  I don’t want my child to be unsafe!  When they ignore me, I’m terrified for their safety and will spring in to action so they cannot possibly ignore me!!! (I understand this doesn’t make a lot of sense, practically speaking.  But it makes PERFECT sense to our implicit memories, and sometimes, they take charge).

                    Obviously, we aren’t consciously thinking these things through.

                    You see, behaviors are mostly part of our implicit (unconscious) world, too.  We like to think we have a lot of control over our behaviors- and sometimes we do and we can work to have more control- but a lot of behavior is actually implicit and behavioral impulses are triggered in the brain waaaaaaay faster than our conscious explicit mind could stop or pause them.

                    Consider a behavior your child has that awakens something really intense in you.

                    Maybe you have a child that is shut-down and seems lazy (I don’t believe in lazy but that’s another blog!!).  Maybe when you were small achievement is how you were safe. Or created your identity.  Or got seen by others.  Not being seen or not having an identity can feel annihilating- life threatening.

                    Maybe your child gets really rude and sassy and down right disrespectful.  I agree with you that it’s important to speak to each other with respect- so I’m not saying having a reaction to this isn’t warranted- but when we react with intensity, anger, or our own shut-down or ignoring behaviors, we aren’t able to help the real problem- supporting our kids in expressing their needs and feelings in a prosocial way!

                    Our reaction to their disrespect touches into our past when we learned to tow the line and never express any negative feelings, so that we kept the peace as much as possible.  Or we were treated with such extreme disrespect, but couldn’t have a strong boundary to keep it from happening again, so our bodies and implicit selves now want to react with all the power that we couldn’t when we were small.

                    Remember.  No behavior is maladaptive.

                    All behavior makes sense.  This is true of our children, and this is true of US.

                    You can explore the science behind our implicit awakenings (the stream of the past) in the blog post No Behavior is Maladaptive.

                    You can dive even further into the impact of memory on behaviors in the blog post Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors, as well as the FREE three-part video series (and short e-book) on Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors. 

                    Both resources are written with our children in mind, but see if you can read and watch the videos while thinking of yourself- yourself as a child, and yourself now.

                    This might help your behaviors make more sense.

                    And when behaviors make sense, we can have more compassion.

                    And we have more compassion, we create the opportunity for integration in our brain- so that the stream of the past and the present come together equally and we respond in a way that matches the present situation- not in a way that matches our past.

                    Robyn

                    Join the Newsletter

                    Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

                    I'll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

                    Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

                      We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

                      /3 Comments/by

                      Ready to STOP playing behavior whack-a-mole?

                      I’ll send a free one-hour webinar & eBook

                      Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior 

                        Copyright © 2025 Robyn Gobbel. All rights reserved. Site by CurlyHost.