What’s Regulation Got to Do With It {EP 6}


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Keep reading or listen on the podcast!
I say regulation a lot- so let’s define it and define why it’s important.

Regulation is balance.  It’s a word that applies to a lot of things.  The thermostat in my house helps to regulate the temperature- it keeps it in balance at the threshold I choose. If my house is too cold, the accelerator of the hear kicks in.  If the house is too hot, the brakes engage.  The dance of regulation helps to keep the temperature of my house in balance.

Regulation is a word that applies to a lot of different concepts, but when I talk about regulation I’m usually talking about how the regulation of energy and arousal in our autonomic nervous system drives behaviors.

Like my heating system, our autonomic nervous system has an accelerator and a brake.  Too much of either, combined with a lack of felt-safety, is what leads to behaviors of opposition, defiance, etc.

Let’s talk for a brief moment about ‘too much.’

You already know I believe that no behavior is maladaptive.  Our minds and bodies and nervous systems are so smart…and our autonomic nervous system engages just the right amount of accelerator or brake based on our neuroception. (I explain neuroception in the No Behavior is Maladaptive article).

Regulation is about our nervous system being able to experience the ebb and flow of the accelerator and brakes without disrupting the functioning of our systems (Siegel).  So dysregulation = disruption.  It’s more energy than we can integrate or process.  It pulls us out of groundedness (notice…I did not say it pulls us out of calm.  We don’t have to be calm to be regulated…)

What we know about the brain means that when the energy and arousal is in balance, we stay present and grounded.  We can make adjustments to our behavior and our levels of arousal because we are mindfully aware.  Again- this does not necessarily mean calm!

Energy and arousal in our autonomic nervous system is underneath everything we do.  It’s underneath all our behaviors.  The energy and arousal, combined with our neuroception of safety or not, emerges as behaviors.  Either protective behaviors or connecting behaviors.

Regulation has EVERYTHING to do with it.  Literally everything.

Without a doubt, sometimes behaviors just need to stop and we don’t have time to worry about regulation.

But when we have time (and our own regulation) to think about regulation and then address regulation instead of just the behavior, we’ll not only shift the behavior in the moment but we’ll support the nervous system in moving toward the health and wellness that will contribute to long term change as well.

How is regulation developed?

In attachment.  The parts of the brain, mind, and nervous system that help a child develop self-regulation are nurtured and strengthened in the co-regulation dance of attachment.

If a child has missed the co-regulation they needed to develop age-appropriate regulation, we can contribute to the development of regulation by continuing to offer the co-regulation they need.

This sounds easy but it is NOT!  It’s theoretically easy to co-regulate a crying baby, except sometimes it’s not!  Sometimes we get overwhelmed and dysregulated when babies are crying.  And then of course we can’t co-regulate the crying baby.

It’s a lot harder to stay regulated enough to co-regulate a five-year-old.  Or 8 or 15.  Especially when their dysregulation isn’t just crying.  It’s screaming or lying or stealing or using drugs or cussing.

Understanding regulation and what regulation has to do with it means we can feel confident that children don’t need punishment.  They need boundaries and co-regulation.

(I go into a few examples in the podcast!  You can listen at the top of the page).

Parenting with co-regulation is very active parenting.  It’s a bummer because as our children get older, we are supposed to enjoy a decrease in how actively we parent.  If you have a child with the delayed developed of self-regulation due to complex trauma or another brain-based difference (autism, giftedness, PANS or PANDAS etc.), you probably need to grieve that your parenting journey isn’t what you expected.  That’s righteous and earned grief.  Grieve it.  Then go back to parenting with co-regulation.

Understanding regulation helps us see our children for who they really are.

They are really great kids who are really dysregulated.  And believe it or not, even if you can’t stop the behavior or come up with a tool or a technique to change their regulation, changing how you see your kid really matters.

Because of mirror neurons and the resonance circuitry and all sorts of other cool things in the brain, changing how we see people changes people.  When we see our kids as good kids who are struggling with regulation- they begin to believe that about themselves.  Believing you’re a good kid improves your regulation!  It improves your behavior.

Those moments when you aren’t parenting the way you want to parent?

You’re probably dysregulated, too.  Regulation has everything to do with everything.

Just like regulated, connected kids who feel safe behave well, regulated, connected parents who feel safe parent well.

You’re doing amazing.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Gaslighting & Adoption


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“Maybe I’m the one who’s confused….???”

That’s my clue.  When I hear those words bouncing around in my mind, I can be CONFIDENT that the answer is NO.  I’m not confused.   I am being gaslighted.

In the last four-ish years, most of us have become more familiar with the concept of gaslighting.  It’s a word that first entered into our vocabulary after a 1944 movie (based on an earlier play) called….you guessed it….Gaslight.

Basically, a woman was driven insane by her husband’s continued insistence that her reality was wrong and his was right. She saw flickering gaslights.  He said she didn’t; she was imagining it.  The gaslights WERE flickering.  In fact, he was making them flicker.  She started to believe she was losing her grip on reality; that she couldn’t trust her own thoughts or experiences or instincts.

It’s abuse. 

Think….Emperor’s New Clothes.

It’s a story that is not based on what is actually happening.

The Emperor has beautiful new clothes!

Except…the Emperor is NAKED.

In my office, I talk with parents about how important it is for the ‘insides and the outsides to match.’  Our brains KNOW when someone is being inauthentic.  When their insides and outsides don’t match.  When they are creating a version of reality that works better for them but isn’t true (like pretending not to be mad at all when really you’re furious).  This inauthenticity erodes felt-safety.  We have to give voice to the story under the story.  

The adoption industry sells the version of reality that works for them.

Adoption is the same as biological parenting…

Adoptive families are no different than biological families…

Adopted kids are so lucky…

These are stories that are not based in reality.  Stories that were made up to keep a powerful industry in power. Stories made up to soothe the folks who benefit from annihilation of families.

When I use words like annihilation, I get a catch in my throat and have a moment of panic that I’m being overly dramatic.

Then I take a breath and realize that this actually proves me point.

It’s the gaslighting in adoption that gives me a moment of pause that I’m being dramatic when I use the word annihilation.  It’s the gaslighting that makes me want to pause what I’m writing to reassure you that I’m not anti-adoption.  Because being the victim of gaslighting for decades and decades leaves you feeling that if you give words to what hasn’t been said, you risk everyone deciding there is something wrong with YOU.

I just can’t help myself.  I gotta tell you.  I’m not anti-adoption.  I would like to think this goes without saying but since we are talking about gaslighting, it’s important to say what isn’t being said.

I’m not anti-adoption.

I won’t say a ton about this because that’s a whole other topic- but I’ve worked with and in the child welfare system long enough to know that some kids really do need new, safe families.

I’ve also worked in and with the child welfare system long enough to know that lots of kids really need their biological families to receive the same amount of support we give foster and adoptive families.  Then they might be able to stay with their biological families.

I’m also, quite obviously I think, not anti-adoptive parents.   

Here’s the thing.  The very denial of reality is woven into the fabric of adoption.  It’s intergenerational.  We practically can’t even help it.

Except we can.  Me and you!!!  Together we can start saying the unsayable.  Saying what’s true and real and underneath.  Even when it’s hard.

Adoption gaslighting sounds like “You grew in my heart.”

No, they didn’t.

Adoption gaslighting sounds like “You were chosen.”

Well, not usually.  Usually two files came to the top of the stack at the same time.  The child’s and the adoptive parent’s.  Or the child’s mother chose the adoptive family.  That’s the opposite of being chosen.

Adoption gaslighting sounds like “We are your forever family.”

Well…does that mean my first family somehow isn’t my family anymore?  Because if they ARE still my family, then how does that make them NOT my forever family?  Can family become unfamily?  ]Let’s just say that they can.  If a biological family can become an unfamily, then what on earth is to say that an adoptive family can’t become an unfamily?

Nothing.  In fact…lots of adoptive families become unfamilies.

Adoption gaslighting denies that adoptive families have different needs than biological families.  They have different needs because they are different!!  Adopted kids have different needs because they have lost something completely unfathomable- their family!!

To be clear…there is nothing wrong with adopted people…kids or adults.  Having a unique special need…like starting your life with family annihilation….doesn’t mean there is some inherent flaw that can’t be fixed.

There is nothing wrong with anyone- adopted people included.

But we all have unique special needs.  And having a mom that’s not my mom is a unique special need of an adopted person.

Let’s just name it!

We could just talk about it!  From the very first day.

I’m your mom.  I’m not your mom.  You have two moms.  That’s hard.  And kinda cool because moms are cool and you get two.  But also hard because needing a second mom means something devastating happened. 

You grew in your mom just like all babies do!  We wanted to be parents soooooo soooooooooo much.  When you needed parents to take care of you, we were SO EXCITED that it got to be us!  But we also know that our excitement at getting to be your parents means that you had to go through something really tragic.  It’s hard to hold both of those truths at once, it isn’t.

Here’s the real kicker.

We get mad when our children gaslight us.

Did you hear Anne Heffron tell the story about insisting to her dad that she got the oil changed (she didn’t).  And that she would not, under any circumstances, admit she was lying, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE.

If you missed it, you really should check it out over on my free resources page.  You can get to the video by CLICKING HERE.

That is a lovely example of gaslighting.

It’s easy to gaslight someone else when your life is based on gaslighting.

When you have learned to survive by agreeing with the reality created by others, you learn that survival means creating your own reality and sticking to it.  Period.

What’s SUPER cool is that we have so much power to stop the cycle of gaslighting in adoption.

It’s actually not really even that hard.

We gotta get realllllly good at saying what’s not being said.

I would have coached Anne’s dad to say “I know you didn’t change the oil.  I also know it feels impossible to you to acknowledge that right now.  I love you.  Let’s talk about this later.”

Just the truth.

Say what isn’t being said.

I’m not your mom.  I am your mom.

I hoped and prayed and waited to become your mom.  I did this even knowing that another mom would have to lose you in order for me to be a mom.  That is such a hard thing to acknowledge. 

You wish you’d never been adopted and at the same time you can’t imagine your life without us in a different family.  It’s possible and human and normal to have two completely contradictory feelings at the same time.  I want to hear about all your feelings. 

Keep being awesome.  Together, we are doing hard things.

Robyn

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The Story Under the Story


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Adoption rewrites a story.

This often becomes a story so full of confusion that no one knows what to say or do. There’s a story that’s hiding…and it seems like it might be scary- I mean, why else would it be hiding?

But it isn’t scary.

It’s not scary because its true. 

It’s just you (or your child)! You (and your child!) aren’t scary.

We can find the story.  Gently. Lovingly.

And then burst it wide open in all it’s complete wonderfulness.

There’s a story in adoption…

a child was born to one family, but then becomes a part of another.  It’s the story we talk about.  The story that’s easy to see.  We get so focused on the story we see that we stop noticing the story under the story.

It’s the story under the story that’s true.  It’s the story that connects us to ourselves.  To each other.  To our infinite worth.  We might not even know that there is a story under the story.  But there is!!!  And when we find this story, we find ourselves.  And then we find each other.  And if we’re parents- we can find our children and they can find us.  Things might not get easier…but they certainly become more filled with ease.

The story under the story is there whether we acknowledge it or not. We might as well throw it a party and welcome it.  In all it’s glittery glory.

Getting your story our clears out the muck.

You’ll move from not knowing how to see yourself on paper (or anywhere else)

….to seeing how wonderful and interesting and important you are.

You’ll see yourself as powerful

You’ll begin to use language in a way that shows both you and the world who you are.

You know how when you get new sneakers and you just want to go for a run?

You feel so bouncy and held.

Truth is beauty.

So- how do we get to the truth with language?

For some people this is terrifying. 

But it never shows anything bad because it can’t.

The truth of you is inherently wonderful.

***************

Are you curious to discover the story under your story?  To give the story breath?  To throw it into the world like fists full of glitter?

Or….maybe that doesn’t thrill you that much (I get it…I’ve been there, too…) but you are feeling a little nudge because a part of you knows that getting to know your own story will help you connect to the story under your child’s story.  To welcome them fully and completely.  To allow them the space to be seen- ALL parts of them.

Anne Heffron and I have come together to create something that we think will be stunning.  Anne has a gorgeous writing practice (I’ve done it!!!) that supports in the discovery of yourself, of your voice.  As we were talking about what we wanted to create for you, she said “WAIT!  What if we do my writing workshop???”

We stretched it out like silly putty and molded it slightly to be just the right experience specifically for everyone touched by adoption.

This six week program will begin on Thursday December 10, 2020.  We’ll take some time off over the holiday season and reconnect again in January!

If you’re feeling a rumbling somewhere in your body that you are ready to breathe life into the story under your story…and your child’s….go check out the six-week workshop and see what you think!  CLICK HERE to The Story Under the Story with Robyn Gobbel & Anne Heffron.

Robyn

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Saying the Unsayable {EP 5}


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The lie under the lie was that he wasn’t my dad. Anne Heffron

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When I hired Anne Heffron to be my writing coach, I didn’t know we basically had the same job.

Anne’s always asking…what’s the word under the word.  What’s the feeling under the feeling.  She simply won’t leave me alone with her insatiable drive to peer under the surface with a flashlight. No…a floodlight. And a scalpel.  Or…one of those melon ballers?  It’s a small and cute but pokey???

Anne and I had a conversation in front of the whole wide world where she talked about ways she really needed her adoptive parents to show up for her.  It was fun and delightful and honest and inspiring (because Anne is all those things).

……(psst….you can watch that conversation by clicking here)

We talked about a time she dug in her heels and wouldn’t let go of a lie….an obvious lie.  But she just wouldn’t let go.  Wouldn’t say “Ugh dad you’re right.  I didn’t.  I said I would.  I’m telling you I did.  But yeah…I didn’t.”

I’m not sure I’ve met an adoptive parent who wouldn’t nod along in understanding….having been the parent who is certain their child is lying but their child just will not call uncle.

Why, Anne, I said.  WHY?  Why not just fess up.

Because the lie under the lie, she said, is that he wasn’t my dad.

The lie under the lie.

The story under the story.

Writers and therapists.  We are doing the same thing.  We are getting underneath.  We are giving words to the unspeakable.  We are finding ways to say straight-up “That emperor doesn’t have any clothes on!!!!”

The story under the story is there.  Whether you talk about it or not, the Emperor is naked.  We think we are powerful enough to change reality if we ignore it, pretend it’s not there, and write a completely new story.

Oh boy, do we try.

We do it for ourselves.  We do it for our children.

In adoption, a child’s story is rewritten as a lie the moment the adoption is finalized and they get a new birth certificate that says their adoptive parents gave birth to them.

What if the story under the story is indeed very hard and sad (You aren’t my dad) but we can hold it together with the other story (but you are my dad).  What if the story under the story is completely true (my mother didn’t want me enough to try to figure out how to keep me) but so is the story under THAT story (there’s nothing wrong with me).

What if….the only thing we really need to do….is to find the story under the story.

It’s already there.  Let’s just talk about it.

When your child will not fess up that they ate the blue cupcake while blue icing falls off their chin, the story under the story is “I know this isn’t the truth.  I know it feels impossible to tell the truth right now.  I love you.”

When I asked Anne what would have happened if her dad had said that to her, she said “That makes me want to sob…because I would have felt seen.”

…..really….you can go watch this whole conversation unfold real-time.  We did not script anything about this conversation.  Anne didn’t know what I was going to say.  You can feel the relief in her body- even over the World Wide Web.  Watch the whole thing by clicking here.

What if giving words to the story under the story changed everything about your relationship with your child?  When we hold our own story (I’m not this child’s mother) together with another equally true story (I am this child’s mother).  What if this gives us the guts to hold our children’s story under THEIR story????  And what if this gives our kids the guts to SHOW us their story.

They really are longing for this.  They want to bring their whole story.  They want you to be brave.  To hold all of them.  To be their mirror and see all their parts.  All their stories.

I’m not your dad.  I am your dad.  You’re not my child.  You are my child.  I love and welcome all of these stories.  Because I love and welcome all of you.

Robyn

The brave conversation Anne and I had about what she really needed from her adoptive parents is posted on my free resources page.  Check everything out by clicking here.

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Honesty in Adoption. Even when it’s hard.


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I sat down to write a blog post about stories.

Specifically about helping kids understand and get connected to THEIR story.

Even the crummy parts.  Devastating parts.  Traumatic and tragic parts.

The blog was…let’s just say….no good.

I couldn’t even think straight.

My mind story is jumbly.

So I deleted the whole thing and started again.

This is what I want to tell you…

I’m in therapist discussion groups where people are still discussing if kids should know they are adopted.

Before I transitioned to a new website and dropped off some of my oldest blog articles, one very popular search that brought people to my blog was “When do I tell me child they are adopted” and “Should I tell my child they are adopted.”

Stories have been my favorite way to connect.  It’s interesting because I’m not inherently gifted at crafting a coherent story.  But stories and words and narrative…ALWAYS my favorite.  I used to skip recess to stay indoors to write stories.  In 3rd grade.

I know that sometimes it is very hard to help our kids grapple with the details of their story.  How much to tell?  Do we tell? What if they don’t really remember?  Why remind them?  Why bring up hard stuff?  Let’s focus on the good!

Tragedy always precedes a child’s need to have a new family.  Always.

Some of the tragedy involves things that feel realllllly uncomfortable to talk about.  With kids.  Abuse.  Rape.  Abandonment.

Some of the tragedy seems to feel a little less uncomfortable, but in a way, the less uncomfortable topics are almost more uncomfortable.  Poverty doesn’t seem quite as uncomfortable as abuse, but then…how do we explain that it led to the loss of their parents?

And then there’s the million dollar question of….do we really need to tell kids these things?

Yes.

The answer is yes.

Unequivocably yes.

There is no room for negotiation here.

And I have the science to prove it.

Then the next question is….HOW do we do this?

This question is a little more complicated but not even close to impossible to answer.

We tell children their story with honesty, transparency, and authenticity.

Lot’s of attunement.

And after we as the adults have worked out our own issues related to their story (though this isn’t a pass to delay telling the story- it’s an invitation to work out those issues as fast as possible).

If we don’t work out of our issues first, our children’s story becomes about us.

Our children need their story.

I know it’s hard to know how to give it to them.

I can help you 😊 Because it’s actually really not that complicated.  I know it FEELS extremely complicated.  I get it.

But it’s not.

Promise.

Robyn

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Adoption Grief


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Ahh.  National Adoption Month.  Here you are again.

Here’s what the Child’s Bureau (US Department of Health and Human Services) says about National Adoption Month:

November is National Adoption month, a month set aside to raise awareness about the urgent need for adoptive families for children and youth in foster care.

Here’s the impact I witness of National Adoption Month on adopted people:

Grief.  Confusion.  Anger.  Fawning.***

Somewhere along the line, National Adoption Month shifted from bringing awareness to the need for adoptive families for children in foster care to celebrating adoption, adoptive families, and particularly, adoptive parents.

This is hurting adopted people.

I’ve made it my life’s commitment to listen to adopted people.  And I can’t believe the things I’ve learned about life, and myself, from listening to adopted people.  I mean…things waaaaaay beyond adoption.  It’s pretty cool, actually.

Listening to adopted people really hit home for me a fundamental truth of being human.  And of doing good therapy.

We can, we MUST, experience multiple feelings as once.

Sometimes contradictory feelings.  Feelings that seem mutual exclusive on the surface.

Like….grief and gratitude.  Grief and goodness.  Grief and contentedness.

I’m not talking about spiritual bypassing by turning bad things into good ones. Looking on the bright side.  Finding the silver lining.

I’m not talking about turning grief and trauma INTO goodness.

I’m talking about holding BOTH.

At the exact same time.

There is no adoption without tragic loss.

It’s hard to imagine a loss more significant that what precedes adoption.

At the absolute LEAST, it’s complete loss, obliteration, annihilation of a family.

Regardless of the circumstances, regardless of the safety needs of the child, the annihilation of a family is a tragedy.

Not to mention, for many, adoption means complete loss of identify, culture, language, privilege, racial mirrors…I could make a reallllllly long list but suffice it to say, it’s a realllllllllly long list.  I’m not minimizing the losses or being trite, I’m just acknowledging the limits and reality of a blog post.  

Regardless of what blooms, it starts with tragedy.

As we move through National Adoption Month, let’s make a deliberate practice of always bringing ourselves back to this truth.

It is only in coming into full contact with this truth that we can offer adoptees the life-giving (and maybe life-saving) experience of having all parts of them welcomed.  Honored. Cherished.  Adored.

Recognizing the tragedy that precedes adoption does not take away from the truth that sometimes adoption really is the best, most necessary option (though let’s be honest…it’s not the best, most necessary option as much as it we think it is).

Recognizing the tragedy that precedes adoption does not take away from the truth that sometimes adoption creates something amazing.  A family.

A family that only exists because another one was annihilated.

Can you hold both?

Can both be true?

We must do our work to allow both to be true because adoptee lives are counting on us.

Do you know that the risk of suicide attempt is FOUR TIMES GREATER for adoptees than non-adopted people?***

FOUR TIMES!!!!!!

This is a complex and nuanced topic- but I feel absolutely positive (with no scientific proof to back it up) that the simple step of doing the work so we can hold tragedy, loss, and goodness all together would decrease this risk.

When we ignore the tragedy of adoption, we ignore a part of the core of the adopted person.

When we annihilated a part of the self, it makes sense that that self would be at increased risk of attempting annihilation.

We can do hard things.

We can honor the true tragedy and the grief implicit in adoption.

Let’s try.  Together!  I’m here with you.

I see the grief.  I see the goodness.

You can too.

Robyn

***Fawning = people pleasing.  Setting aside our own needs and feelings in order to please someone else or avoid stress in the relationship***

***Source: Keyes, M et. Al. (2013).  Risk of suicide attempt in adopted and non adopted offspring.  Pediatrics.  132(4). 639-646.***

New here?!?!?!  YAY!  I’m super excited you found me because my goal in life is to spread the neurobiology of being relationally human to everyone.  In the whole world.  And now, I’m one person closer to that 7 billion.

You’ll definitely want to get my free three-part video series that introduces you to this brain-based, paradigm shifting approach to understanding human behaviors: Regulation, Connection, and Felt-Safety.  You can watch it for FREE by clicking here!!!

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Self-Compassion Will Change Your Brain {EP 8}


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Keep reading or listen on the podcast.

Y’all hear me talking about self-compassion- a lot.  I mean, really a lot.

It’s probably a little annoying 😊 Because it’s a little like a broken record, but also- because self-compassion is really, really, really hard and may feel waaaay out of reach for you.

I know that my brain really needs to understand the science behind something- especially a vulnerable something like self-compassion- before I’m willing to risk trying it.

Maybe your brain is the same!!!

So here you go….a little introduction to the science of self-compassion.

Compassion is quite literally the neurobiology of change.

A compassionate brain is a brain that is open and available to shift, take in new information, and move toward integration.

Integration means developing lots of gorgeous, wonderful, rich, and plentiful connections; in the brain, in the body, and with each other!

Integration = mental wellness.

Integration mean emotion regulation.  Integration means staying regulated in the face of stress.  Integration means moving BACK into regulation more quickly after you flip your lid. Integration means empathy and insight.

Integration means all the good things.

More often.

Not all the time. 

I’m never ever ever ever ever aiming for integration all the time.

It’s not possible.  It’s not reasonable.  It’s not being human.

You will never stop flipping your lid.

You will never stop losing it on your kids.  Or your partner.

Or whatever it is that you want to stop doing.

And that’s OK.  Because it has to be OK because you are human and there is nothing you can do to transcend your humanity.

BUT…when we increase integration one of the things we do is build resilience.  That means it gets easier and faster for our body and brain and nervous system to come back into regulation; to feeling OK, clear, and connected.

This means we increase our ability to repair what happened when we flipped our lid.

This means we flip our lid less often.

This means we slow DOWN how quickly we flip our lid so we can use some of those brilliant coping skills that will help us NOT flip our lid.

How do we do this?

Practice self-compassion!!!!

Self-compassion sounds like “Oh, this is hard.  I’m doing the best I can.”

“I’m really hurting and overwhelmed right now.”

“Whoa…that was not ideal behavior.  That must mean that I was really hurting/overwhelmed in that moment.”

“The absolute only reason I would act that way is because I feel realllllly bad.”

“I’m not alone in this.  There are so many parents struggling right now.”

“Struggling is just what humans do.  Being human is hard.”

Self-compassion moves our nervous system from a reactive state to an open state.

From feeling tight and constricted and yucky to feeling open and curious…though obviously, not necessarily GOOD.

It’s a shift in the physical sensation.  Tight and constricted to open and receptive.

The more we shift into this open and receptive place the more we create the neurobiology the supports integration.  And remember all the good things integration means???

Here’s what I hear people say when they are resistant to self-compassion.

“If I’m compassionate with myself, I’m letting myself off the hook.  It’s just an excuse!”

“If I’m compassionate with myself, I’ll never change.  I’ll just keep doing this over and over again.”

“My behavior is so bad I don’t deserve compassion.”

My favorite way to turn this resistance around? 

Imagine if any of these beliefs are things you think are true about your best friend.

Their behavior is so bad they don’t deserve compassion?

See for me….someone’s really bad behavior means they need the MOST compassion.  Bad behavior = hurting.

Compassion and boundaries are NOT mutually exclusive.  We can absolutely hold compassion AND very very strong boundaries. For others….and ourselves 😊

If you were compassionate with your friend for their bad behavior, would that ensure that their behavior never changes?!?!  I mean really….does that even make sense?

Compassion and understanding what is DRIVING behavior is not EXCUSING the behavior.

Excusing is NOT the neurobiology of integration.  Compassion is.  Promise.

Robyn

Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift into how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Hunker Down & Hang On


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Yesterday I sent an out an email with the subject line “Last Week Sucked.” 

I wanted to offer up a sense of ‘I’m WITH you!!!” that all of us have terrible days, weeks, months, (and even a year…).  I write so often on compassion, curiosity, and hope- and I have a very deliberate practice in my own life of noticing things that are good that sometimes I worry I give of the vibe of “everything’s perfect here!  No problems in my life!”

Nope nope and nope.  I DO work hard to be deliberate about noticing things that are good, but that isn’t so I don’t notice the things that aren’t.  It’s so a grow my capacity to manage the things that aren’t.  It’s not a path toward spiritual bypassing; it’s a path toward authentically and truly being with ALL experiences.  Good and bad ones.

(Also- I understand there is great privilege in my ability to do this.  I currently choose to believe that I can use my privilege for good- and a way I do that is by caring for my nervous system so I can support those who don’t benefit from the same privilege).  

So anyway, I just wrote an honest, authentic email about how last week sucked.

And I found myself writing “I really don’t even have anything helpful to say about how to get through sucky times.  Sometimes all we can to is hunker down, hang on, and hope it’s over soon.”

Turns out, that really resonated with folks.

Y’all, sometimes there are simply no silver linings.  There is no way to wrap things up in a bow or say ‘this was worth it’ or ‘this good thing happened because of this bad thing’ or any other sort of platitude that can sometimes be helpful but is more often a way we try to ignore how much things hurt.

Sometimes there are no coping skills that we can use that will help.  Sometimes there is no boundary to set.  Sometimes there is quite literally nothing we can DO.

Sometimes things just suck.

A lot.

And you may even be thinking “uh….this isn’t going to be over soon.”

Whatever your this is.

That very well may be true.

But there is a way to bring hope together with radical acceptance.  Radical acceptance says “this is what it is and I can’t do anything about this.”  (Well kinda…it’s more complicated that that but not really the overall point I’m trying to make here so I’m not going to go any further into it right now).  Hope says “It’s not possible for this to never change.  The world, people, energy, etc. isn’t static.  Even if this situation doesn’t change, my relationship to the experience will.  I’ve never had a feeling get stuck.” Hope says “Even though this terrible experience isn’t going to change, I can not be ALONE in the experience.”  Because it’s not experiences that cause things to be traumatic.  It’s aloneness.

We can keep a foot in hope.  A foot in radical acceptance. 

Things do change.  They will change.

And to be clear.

This mantra of hunker down, hang on, and hope it’s over soon….it’s not a great mantra for everything 😊  In fact, it’s probably not a great mantra for most things.  Some things need us to respond with anger.  With creating change.  With setting a boundary.

But sometimes that just isn’t possible.  And all we can do is hang on.

Hang on, dear ones.  Hang on.

Robyn

PS- Have you seen my free resources page?  Check it out and snag yourself a free video series and ebook on Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors.  OR a free video series on Regulation, Connection, and Felt-Safety- which is at the core of my philosophy and all my writings!!!  CLICK HERE to grab those right away!

PPS- If your craving the co-regulation and connection you deserve so you have the support you need during these impossible moments, come join us in The Club- a virtual community of connection, co-regulation, and a little education.

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Becoming a Behavior Detective


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This is a guest post written by Jessica Sinarski, LPCMH (bio at the end!!)

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“She’s so manipulative!”

“He is only nice when he wants something.”

Have these thoughts ever run through your mind?

Maybe you’ve heard something like it from families you work with? It doesn’t feel good! No one likes it when someone else is pulling the strings. And it feels even worse when it’s paired with other squirrelly behavior, like lying or stealing.

Let’s dig a little deeper.

If we’re honest, what is the story we are telling ourselves about the kiddo who lies and sneaks and “manipulates” their way through life? There tends to be a moral spin on it – bad choices, bad kid. Those behaviors start to get mixed up with identity: “She is a liar and a thief!” And then the shame spiral kicks in for parents: I’m a bad parent. Good parents don’t have kids who steal. I’m a failure.

Oof. That is a lot for a family to hold.

I’m going to throw something out there that might feel radical, but hang with me because I’ve seen it change lives!

Let’s reframe the narrative.

What if manipulative or sneaky behavior has been adaptive? What if lying and stealing and managing the big people around me has literally kept me alive? Maybe, just maybe, the story is not bad kid…bad parent…no hope. Instead, I see a kiddo who has learned to gather resources without getting close. Now that is something we can work on!

Did you know that in the absence of an affectionate relationship in the early days of life, the brain starts to trim down its oxytocin receptors (oxytocin is that happy, bonding chemical) to make room for opioid receptors. Yep, the brain starts to protect against close relationships in favor of numbing the pain of neglect and abuse. The brain starts wiring for solo survival, for scrappy self-provisioning instead of trust and connection with a safe grown-up.

That’s not the end of the story, though!!

Brains can change.

Here is a quick video explanation if you want to learn a little more. The point is…years into living in a more safe and stable environment, you may still be dealing with lots of “squirrel moments.”

I promise…that delightful, relational little human is still in there!!  

So now what?

“I still don’t want to be manipulated,” you tell me, “and I don’t want my kid lying and stealing.”

Yep, I totally get that.

Here are a few things that help…

  1. Check the story you are telling yourself about the child. Here are some ideas:
    1. Her brain learned to lie to protect itself at a very young age. I get to be part of rewiring that big, beautiful brain.
    2. Oops, that was a “squirrel moment.” I need to tune in and find some “upstairs brain moments” too. (Here’s a free resource to help.)
    3. He’s so good at trying to provide for himself. It’s going to take time for him to trust that I am safe and caring and reliable.
  2. Check the story you’re telling yourself about yourself. Instead of those pesky failure thoughts we have as parents and therapists, let’s try:
    1. Telling the truth is really hard for him, so we are working on that skill together. I’m a good parent for meeting him where he is and helping him build those tough skills.
    2. I can use play and kindness while setting a boundary. In a conversational tone, without judgment, I can say, “I know you learned some good squirrel survival skills, so before we leave the playroom, let’s empty those pockets in case any little acorn treats are tucked away. They’ll be here next time you come see me.”
    3. I really know my child and will lovingly set them up for success by keeping valuables locked up while they practice building self-control in situations where it would be easy to fall back into self-reliance.
  3. Notice the patterns. When we are stressed, we tend to rely on well-worn pathways in the brain. For a neurodivergent child or someone who has experienced early life trauma, that can mean falling back into “survival mode” habits.
    1. Provide lots of felt safety during stressful times.
    2. Ease transitions with objects or security items that can travel to and from locations with the child.
    3. Catch your thoughts when a squirrel moment occurs, especially if it comes after a period of time without any lying/stealing/hoarding. All is not lost! Keep nurturing those developing pathways to connection and safety and trust!!
  4. Notice the good! Remember, this is only one part of your child. Keep trying to find that delightful little spirit behind some of the “bad behavior.” I promise it’s there! Sometimes it’s well-hidden, for safety sake, but keep looking.

You can find some support for the journey at bit.ly/RTBparents.

~Jessica Sinarski, LPCMH

Jessica is a therapist, clinical supervisor, educator, consultant, and children’s book author!  She is the creator of BraveBrains, a resource and training platform for home, school, and community.

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Robyn here- Jessica is awesome!!  SO awesome, that I though y’all needed to know her :)  Jessica is my special guest presenter in next week’s webinar- where she’ll go much more in depth into Becoming a Behavior Detective.  It’s only $14!!!  The webinar is Thursday the 22nd at 12pm eastern but you don’t have to attend live!  Everyone who registers will receive lifetime and unlimited access to the recording!!!  You can read all the details and register by CLICKING HERE.

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Finding Playfulness


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When was the last time you allowed yourself to be immersed in pleasure? Play? Delight?  Fun for the sake of fun?

Even if just for a moment or two??

It could erupt spontaneously in the kitchen.  While you are driving.  Showering.  Making the bed.

Pleasure, playfulness, and delight aren’t about DOING something.

Pleasure, playfulness, and delight are about BEING something.

Something open. Expansive. Vulnerable.

Something without agenda or expectation.

Something where it’s OK that there is no specific outcome you are striving for.

Playfulness is our safe, connected, regulated social engagement system getting a little (or even a lot!) of energy from our sympathetic nervous system.  Energy. Arousal. Activation.

Playfulness is dipping into that energy, arousal, and activation while feeling safe.

I’m hearing from parents and therapists and well….humans….that playfulness has been lost.

And that makes sense.

Playfulness is open. Expansive. Vulnerable.

And it happens when we feel safe and connected- to ourselves and/or others.

In fact, Jaak Panksepp- the famous tickling rat researcher- said that our play circuity becomes available only when our seeking system has found the connection we are always searching for.  Connection with ourselves or with others.

And Stephen Porges- the theorist behind the Polyvagal Theory- says that we must be experiencing felt-safety in order to move into the playful part of our nervous system.

Well.

Feeling safe and experiencing connection are feeling especially hard right now.

And if you are parenting, caring for, or living with someone with a history of trauma (or if you have a history of trauma), playfulness feels like a stranger.

Playfulness is a way back to ourselves.

And moments of playfulness add up.

Moments of playfulness are like doing a brain bicep curl.  It strengths the nervous system and builds resilience.  You probably need to do more than one bicep curl.  And you probably need to do just…one….more even when your arms are tired in order to realllllly build that muscle.

But it’s about doing one.

Then the next one.

And the next one.

Each one matters.  Each one counts.

Each moment of playfulness matters.

Each moment counts.

Find a silly video on the internet.  There are PLENTY.

Laugh.

Watch a silly show or movie (we’ve been watching The Good Place…Season 1 in particular is just plain silly).

Sing and dance while you are drying dishes.  Or driving.

Have a sword fight with the 20 pound tubes of ground beef in the grocery store.

(Oh wait…that might be only something my family would do….)

Prioritize finding a moment of playfulness every day.

Then a couple times a day.

Be deliberate about it.

Eventually you’ll build that muscle and you might not always have to always be so intentional.

Though in times of stress, playfulness feels elusive.  This makes sense because we aren’t feeling safe!!! So when we are stressed, we might have to be deliberate and intentional about finding playfulness.

Ask yourself- is it OK to feel safe when I am safe?

Then…am I safe right now….in these next five moments while I’m in my kitchen getting breakfast for my kids.  Or driving to the grocery store.  Or while I’m brushing my teeth.

If it’s OK to feel safe when you are safe, and you’re safe for even just a few moments….see what it feels like to inject playfulness.

Shake your booty to the same tempo you are brushing your teeth back and forth…up and down.

Delight in yourself.

Bicep curl for the brain.

Robyn

If you haven’t checked out the free, three-part video series (and e-book, also free!!!) on Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors, what are you waiting for?!?!  CLICK HERE!

And…..if you would like to dive really deep into this approach to parenting a child, especially one who has experienced trauma, you will love my course, Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain.  Check it out by CLICKING HERE!   There’s a whole section on playfulness!

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