Undoing Aloneness {EP 22}


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There’s a moment of energetic meeting between two people that is the sweetest most human experience possible.

In that moment, there’s a breath of

I exist. 

You exist. 

You are with me. 

I am not alone.

In that moment, there’s an intertwining of energies as the silent dance of co-regulation begins.  

These moments are not a luxury.  These moments are a necessity.

Parents of kids with a history of relational and complex trauma are some of the loneliest people I’ve ever known.

The well of aloneness is deep when you are parenting a child who’s own history in relationships means they are terrified of that sweet moment of energetic meeting.

These deeply wounded precious sweet children crave this moment with their entire being in a way that would overwhelm them if they acknowledged it. 

These deeply wounded precious sweet children match the intensity of that craving with an intensity of complete rejection.

Rejection of themselves and rejection of those who try to meet them in a space of connection.

Humans exist whether someone acknowledges that existence or not.

But we only KNOW we exist because someone acknowledges our existence. 

Because someone meets us in that space of connection. 

Someone brings their existence and touches ours.  

When children experience deep pain in their earliest relationship- pain of being hurt, pain of being ignored and unseen,

pain of being present with adults who were so dysregulated they weren’t energetically present for their child-

they do not have the necessary experience of having their existence acknowledged. 

So even though they do indeed exist, they hardly have any moments of experiencing that they exist.  It makes existence slippery. 

The possibility of not existing is felt and real and utterly annihilatingly terrifying.  

When you aren’t sure you exist, you desperately crave confirmation that you do

while also desperately doing everything possible to avoid confirmation that you do.

Parenting, loving, and attempting to create moments of connection with this deeply wounded precious sweet child is a profoundly lonely journey. And then….absolutely no one gets it.

It’s an experience that unless you have direct experience with, unless you can hold the felt sense of it in your own heart and mind and body, it’s impossible to truly understand.

The loneliness in parenting becomes compounded when the loneliness isn’t seen. The loneliness is traumatic.

It leaves an imprint on our spirits that wreaks havoc on our health (physical and mental) and our relationships (with others, and with ourselves).  

I’m writing this for the parents who are longing to feel seen.  

I see you.

I’m writing this for the professionals who

have the great privilege and honor of meeting with these parents.  

They need you to see them.  

In fact, it’s really the only thing they need from you.

They need you to feel comfortable with the truth that you have no idea how to help them.  They need you to feel comfortable with the truth that bringing healing to children who have experienced relational trauma is a loooooooong road without many moments that confirm you are the right road.  They need you to feel comfortable with the enormity of the intensity of both them and their child.  

Being uncertain of your own existence in the world is overwhelming.  When it comes into your office, you could become swallowed by the overwhelm or you could welcome the overwhelm, hold it, be with it, see it. 

Undoing aloneness is your number one goal.

Undoing aloneness in families where it’s possible that the chaos and overwhelm won’t ever change might be your only goal.

It’s profoundly healing to not be alone.

It’s profoundly healing to have someone meet you there and say

“I am not afraid.  I will be with you here.

  I will confront my own feelings of helplessness

and be with you right here.  I will not go.”

Parents of kids with relational trauma are desperate for things to change.  They also have a terror and a knowing that it’s possible things won’t.  Yes, they want us- the therapists and professionals- to help things change.  But yes, they also do know that it’s maybe not possible and what they really want is to feel seen. Known. Not alone.

They want to be met in that energetic space of meeting.

It isn’t a luxury.  It’s a necessity.

Robyn

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Why Do I Get So Dysregulated? {EP 20}


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Or mad? Or scared? Or overwhelmed? Or shut-down?

Why do I make a mountain out of a mole hill?  Why can’t I keep it together?  

Being ignored (or yelled at or cussed at or disrespected or refusing to eat or do a chore or or or or the list is endless) is never going to feel good.  But- have you ever wondered why your brain goes into full on attacking watch dog mode when the reality is- refusing to do a chore, go to school, or even being ignored or yelled at, isn’t life threatening?

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If it isn’t life threatening, why does our brain go to attack mode?

A mode that really we only need in life threatening circumstances?

We’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the arousal continuum with regard to our kids – but as my friend Eileen Devine says, the brain is the brain is the brain.  And you have one, too 😉

Why does our brain go to attack mode- a mode that is intended to help us survive a life threatening circumstance- if we aren’t in a life threatening situation (and as much as it feels like it’s life threatening, a kid who is refusing to go to school or even yelling and cussing at us isn’t life threatening).

Narrow window of stress tolerance

For all sorts of reasons, many of us are walking around the world with a narrow window of stress tolerance.  Pandemic.  Economic uncertainty.  Virtual school.

Parenting kids with a history of trauma is stressful and overwhelming in the best of circumstances but now some (many?) families are cooped up, have lost their respire, can’t access the limited services they accessed before.  And kids are stressed, isolated, overwhelmed.  Their felt-safety has been shook to the core.  For many kids, this means their trauma-related dysregulation and challenging behaviors are at an all-time high.

There’s only so much we can take. 

Chronic stress and overwhelm- even when it’s not life-threatening- causes our window of stress tolerance to get smaller…and smaller….and smaller…….

When our window of stress tolerance is nice and wide….we can tolerate stress without freaking out.  We have a feeling that matches the stress.  Frustration.  Annoyance. 

To be clear….I’m not implying that when our window of tolerance is wide open we just bop through life like Pollyanna, never being frustrated or irritated.

When our window of stress tolerance is nice and wide, we can handle frustration, annoyance, irritation, nervousness, sadness…without completely losing it.  We can stay connected to the emotion and then use the emotion to help us know what to do next.

Frustration and annoyance might suggest you need to set a boundary.  But when our window of tolerance is nice and wide, we can set the boundary without screaming, yelling, threatening, or becoming overwhelmed.

We are all walking around with small windows of tolerances. 

And mole hills become mountains and teeny tiny little stressors feel like we are being chased by sabre tooth tigers.

Of course now you’re curious about how to increase your window of stress tolerance! 

You can read about playfulness and self-compassion– both which absolutely increase our ability to tolerate stress.

You can also check out The Club – a virtual group of education, connection, and co-regulation.  I teach some pretty cool things in the group but my focus is actually on facilitating and offering connection and co-regulation (because that changes the brain more than education does!!!).

Implicit Memory Awakenings

There’s another reason, too, that to the best of my experience, impacts every human on the planet.

Early early life experiences shape the way we perceive the world and our expectations about how things are going to go.  We adapt to painful experiences in brilliant ways that help us meet our needs the best way we know how and protect us from overwhelming, and often not co-regulated, pain.

Maybe when we were verrrrrry small, our own cries and needs went unanswered.  A lot.  When we are small, having our needs ignored a lot is indeed life threatening.  Our brain experiences the lack of response as something that is very very dangerous.

When we are 40, and our children ignore us, we aren’t in a life threatening situation.  But we have a very intricate and brilliant protective system that is always on alert and trapped in the past- so it can experience being ignored as life threatening and cause a “I’m in life threatening danger!!!!” response.

Maybe when we were verrrrrrry small, ignoring our parents was verrrrrrry dangerous.  We learned that if we didn’t immediately respond, and respond in a way that satisfied them (who knew what that was, but we sure tried!!!) we would get hurt- physically or emotionally.

Now we are 50, and when our children ignore us our own verrrrrrrry wise and still on alert and stuck in the past protective system actually is trying to protect our children by having an enormous reaction that gets a response from them.  It’s not safe to ignore!  I don’t want my child to be unsafe!  When they ignore me, I’m terrified for their safety and will spring in to action so they cannot possibly ignore me!!! (I understand this doesn’t make a lot of sense, practically speaking.  But it makes PERFECT sense to our implicit memories, and sometimes, they take charge).

Obviously, we aren’t consciously thinking these things through.

You see, behaviors are mostly part of our implicit (unconscious) world, too.  We like to think we have a lot of control over our behaviors- and sometimes we do and we can work to have more control- but a lot of behavior is actually implicit and behavioral impulses are triggered in the brain waaaaaaay faster than our conscious explicit mind could stop or pause them.

Consider a behavior your child has that awakens something really intense in you.

Maybe you have a child that is shut-down and seems lazy (I don’t believe in lazy but that’s another blog!!).  Maybe when you were small achievement is how you were safe. Or created your identity.  Or got seen by others.  Not being seen or not having an identity can feel annihilating- life threatening.

Maybe your child gets really rude and sassy and down right disrespectful.  I agree with you that it’s important to speak to each other with respect- so I’m not saying having a reaction to this isn’t warranted- but when we react with intensity, anger, or our own shut-down or ignoring behaviors, we aren’t able to help the real problem- supporting our kids in expressing their needs and feelings in a prosocial way!

Our reaction to their disrespect touches into our past when we learned to tow the line and never express any negative feelings, so that we kept the peace as much as possible.  Or we were treated with such extreme disrespect, but couldn’t have a strong boundary to keep it from happening again, so our bodies and implicit selves now want to react with all the power that we couldn’t when we were small.

Remember.  No behavior is maladaptive.

All behavior makes sense.  This is true of our children, and this is true of US.

You can explore the science behind our implicit awakenings (the stream of the past) in the blog post No Behavior is Maladaptive.

You can dive even further into the impact of memory on behaviors in the blog post Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors, as well as the FREE three-part video series (and short e-book) on Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors. 

Both resources are written with our children in mind, but see if you can read and watch the videos while thinking of yourself- yourself as a child, and yourself now.

This might help your behaviors make more sense.

And when behaviors make sense, we can have more compassion.

And we have more compassion, we create the opportunity for integration in our brain- so that the stream of the past and the present come together equally and we respond in a way that matches the present situation- not in a way that matches our past.

Robyn

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Child always dysregulated? Try this! {EP 18}


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You might be feeling a bit whiplashed.  There are a lot of great trauma-informed, brain-based, connection-based parenting ideas out there- and you’re trying them.

But they just aren’t working.

The verbal aggression isn’t decreasing.  Your child is chronically angry. Or extremely anxious.  Or won’t get out of bed.

It’s pretty hard to offer up connection to a child who is practically spitting anger at you (or maybe even literally spitting).

Living with someone who is chronically dysregulated leaves US chronically dysregulated, so the first step is just to notice that.

Notice how on edge you are. Notice how tired you are.  Notice how afraid or angry you are.

Send yourself a little compassion (or a lot…I mean, just as much as you possible can).

Take a breath.

And realize your child seems pretty stuck in a high alert or fear or even terror state of arousal.  (If you aren’t familiar with Dr. Perry’s levels of arousal, check out THIS blog).

When our kids are that aroused, that dysregulated, that stuck in a place of fear (and I promise this is a place of fear even if it just looks mean or angry or shut-down), the priority is to offer regulation, calm the arousal, and invite the thinking brain back.  That’s it.  No other goal.  Regulation and felt-safety.

If you noticed your own dysregulation and sent yourself compassion, you’re already finished with step #1- though without a doubt, you’ll be continually revisiting this step.

We can’t invite our kids into regulation if we aren’t regulated.

It’s not fair.  It sucks, frankly.  But it’s true.

Next- offer a drink or a snack or something that gets their body moving or in a different state.

Oh MAN this is HARD because this feels like a reward.

But we aren’t thinking about rewarding bad behavior right now because all we are thinking about is supporting regulation.

Offer a drink.

Could be any drink but for many people, extreme temperatures (a smoothie or hot drink) are regulating, and drinking something realllllly thick through a straw is often regulating.

Offer a snack.

Could be any snack (being offered something to eat when you’re not behaving well is often a surprise, and that in and of itself could bring regulation!!) but crunchy snacks, chewy snacks, and sucky snacks (not bad snacks but snacks you suck on- like a jawbreaker or a sucker) can be especially regulating.

Bold flavors, like spicy or sour or super sweet, can also be regulating!

You’ll have to do some experimenting here, to see what really works for you child.

Entice them into some body movement.

A thumb war or arm wrestling or a some quick hoops in the driveway or a living room dance party or crashing onto the bed or couch.  A small fidget.  Play-doh.  Cooking or baking (now we’re getting in movement and a snack…)

If your kid seems to be in chronic alarm or fear based levels of arousal, be extremely consistent with food, drink, and movement.  Prioritize these things over almost anything else.

Create structure, routine, and predictability.

As much as absolutely possible.

Stick close.

Chronically dysregulated kids need as much support from someone else’s regulated brain as possible.  Your child might feel your sticking close as a punishment.  But as long as you aren’t initiating it as a punishment and you are genuinely doing it as a way of offering co-regulation and support, do it anyway.

Feed them. Water them. Move them.

Structure, routine, predictability.

Stick close

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Lying as a Trauma Driven Behavior {EP 15}


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X-ray vision and understand the neurobiology of being relationally, socially, and behaviorally human means we get to free ourselves from scary beliefs that behaviors are character flaws, a representation of who our children are at their core, solely designed to manipulate us, or a reflection of our worth as a parent.

Lying is actually a completely normal human behavior.

Think about it- when was the last time you lied?

Be honest with yourself (ha, I chuckled at the irony).

It probably wasn’t that long again.

Ask yourself…why?

Be honest!

There are all sorts of reasons floating into your mind I’m sure- but they all land somewhere near the truth that we only lie because we are afraid of what will happen if we don’t.

We only lie because it doesn’t feel safe to tell the truth.

And when I say safe, I’m don’t necessarily mean physically safe.

It could be relationally safe.

It could be if I don’t lie, I won’t get what I want.  And the relational repercussion of lying is deemed less bad than the possibility of not getting what I want.

Sometimes lying happens when we feel safe enough in a relationship to know that the relationship will withstand the eroded threat of the lie.

Sometimes lying happens because we are actually prioritizing the relationship in the moment.

Sometimes lying happens because we cannot tolerate the idea of what could happen to the relationship, even if it’s just for a moment, if we told the truth.

Sometimes lying happens because we cannot tolerate the idea of what could happen inside us (shame, dysregulation, etc.) if we told the truth.

There really are quite a lot of explanations for lying but ultimately it almost always comes down to it’s not safe to tell the truth.

What happens if you allow that to really sink in?

Does it change anything for you about how you see the behavior of lying?  It’s OK if it doesn’t, I’m just prompting you to notice!

One of the biggest challenges with the behavior of lying isn’t actually the lie- it’s how being lied to makes us feel.

YOU HATE BEING LIED TO!!!

Your brain shouts all sorts of things!  Things like:

Do you think I’m stupid?

You are a pathological liar and that scares me!

You are causing me to question my own experience in reality and that scares me!

I must be a terrible parent to raise a liar.

Liars can’t even have positive relationships and ultimately go to jail.

Truly.  Those are scary thoughts.

And when all of us have scary thoughts, we often act in scary ways.

And then the fear increases for everything and the lying doesn’t ever stop.

What if you could replace your own scared thoughts?

My child doesn’t think I’m stupid- they are scared.

Continual lying is a behavior that will have negative long-term consequences but worrying about that in this moment doesn’t help me deal with the real life now problem.

I am a good parent who struggles sometimes- like all parents.

If you could replace those scared thoughts with true thoughts, you have one more moment of regulation.

Then you can ask yourself “why is this happening?” and maybe you can address that problem.

Or maybe your kid is too dysregulated in the moment for you to do much of anything beyond disengaging and not insisting on the truth.  Remembering to think about what is driving the lie will help you remind yourself that you aren’t just ignoring the behavior or allowing your kid to behave bad.  You are using your thinking brain to realize your child is too dysregulated for you to deal with the behavior in the moment.  Then you can shift your focus to offering connection, regulation, and felt-safety. 

Lying is such a common and sticky behavior challenge that I created a thorough 90-minute webinar that gets into the nitty gritty.  The webinar looks at the why even more closely than this article could and then moves into concrete, actionable steps to take in the moment of the lying.  The Lying webinar is a part of the webinar library that is available to all members of The Club.

Robyn

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Parenting Superpower! X-Ray Vision {EP 13}


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If you could have any superpower, which would you choose?

I’m partial to Iron Man…

Wait. I said if you could have any superpower…not any superhero. Darn.

If I could give you any superpower, it would be x-ray vision, hands down.

Specifically x-ray vision that would let you peer immediately into what is happening inside your child.

  • What’s happening in their brain?
  • What neurons are firing?
  • What memories are awakening?
  • What danger are they detecting?
  • How hard is their accelerator being pressed?
  • What neurotransmitters are flooding?
  • What hormones?

Why would this matter?

Why would I choose x-ray vision as your superpower over something cooler, like superhuman strength?  Or becoming teeny tiny?  Or shooting spider webs out your wrist?

In attachment research and literature, we continually stumble into one common theme with regards to secure attachment.

The researchers and scientists and academics call this reflective functioning and mentalizing.

I call it x-ray vision.

It’s the ability to see past what you can see (behaviors) and consider what is driving those behaviors.  What’s going on inside that is fueling this behavior?

The brain is literally behind everything. Everything. We do.

If the brain is behind, say, lying…well it stands to reason that we should consider what is going on in the brain when our kids are telling a lie.

Let’s take the superpower of X-Ray vision and add a booster pack to it.

Now our X-Ray vision not only lets us see into what is happening inside our child that is connected to the behavior we can easily observe, but it also let’s us hold in our mind the truth that our mind influences what we are seeing.

Wait what???

Yup.  This booster pack gives you x-ray vision back to yourself.  It’s kinda like it bounces off your kid and comes right back.  Or something.  I might be losing the metaphor here.

Our child’s mind, brain, and nervous system impacts their experience in the world.

And so does yours!!!

What’s happening in your brain, mind, body, and nervous system (which is impacted by everything that’s ever happened to you in that past) is influencing how you see your child in that moment.

What on earth is the benefit of X-Ray vision?

Well like I mentioned, this x-ray vision is called reflective functioning and mentalizing.

Reflective functioning and mentalizing are consistently connected to raising children with secure attachment.

The neurobiology behind secure attachment supports emotion regulation, the ‘pause’ before the reaction or explosion, insight, empathy, morality, relational skills, etc. etc. etc.

Basically.  Everything you hope for when you are raising kids.

The X-Ray vision goggles help us stay regulated, too!!!

When we can clearly see what’s happening inside our kids, we can let go of our reflex to personalize it. To catastrophize it.  To ‘future trip’ (future tripping means we start focusing on something catastrophic will happen to my child in the future because of this behavior).

When we stay regulated, we deal with the behavior better!  Always!

The x-ray vision goggles help our child feel truly seen and known.

Your kid isn’t bad. Or a liar or a thief.

Your kid is a preciously amazing human who is struggling.  And demonstrating a behavior that isn’t working for you.  Both are true.

Our kids need us to see them this way in order for them to know it about themselves.

And when they know it about themselves, things get better.

When kids believe their behaviors are the result of what’s happening on our insides, they can feel empowered.

It feels possible to do something that could change those behaviors!

When kids believe that their behaviors are the result of them just being inherently bad, it feels impossible to ever change that. So why would they try?

The x-ray vision goggles allow us to actually solve the real problem.

Whatever is driving the behavior.

It’s like a row of cascading dominoes with the final domino being the behavior.  If we can see the real problem domino, we can pull it out and maybe stop the cascade.

I promise.

If I’m ever offered the opportunity to grant a superpower to the whole word- or even just to parents of kids with a history of trauma- I’m choosing x-ray vision with a booster shot.

Until that opportunity appears (will Tony Stark be the one offering it?!?!?) I will just keep teaching.  I’ll help you learn about the neurobiology of being human.  I’ll help you learn about how trauma impacts the neurobiology of being human.

Promise.  Pinky Promise.

Robyn

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Imperfect Parenting Is Perfect {EP 12}


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When I teach trainings in attachment, I always speak to the fact that every single person in the room used to be a child.  And many of the people in the room have children; or at least, interact with and care for children in some capacity (this stands to reason due to the nature of what I teach and who is in the audience).

That means we cannot learn about attachment without it becoming personal.

Without even consciously trying, we search our memory banks for the times when we didn’t parent in a way that invites experiences of secure attachment. We scan our entire parenting life for the moments when we behaved toward our children in the exact opposite ways as we are learning about in this attachment training.  We feel in our bodies our own experiences of not receiving the attunement, co-regulation, and presence that little babies and children need.  The we needed.

These trainings are exhausting.

It seems to help to just talk about that plainly.  We invite into the room our young parts of self who were parented.  We invite into the room our parenting selves- including all the times we’ve parented in a way we regret.

And I usually tell a story about a time I behaved very badly toward my child.  It involves throwing a granola bar at him.

At point blank range.

Not that I would ever ever EVER advocate for throwing things at your kids.  Like…ever.

But sometimes we all just lose it.

In big ways that look like granola bar chucking.  In small ways.  Medium sized ways.  In ways that are way bigger than chucking a granola bar but I’m not willing to share with you.

If we were even capable of being perfect parents (we aren’t) who are perfectly attuned to our children, never dysregulated, always meeting their needs…that actually would be very bad for them.

For starters, our children do indeed need to experience stress.  Experiences of tolerable stress, followed up by co-regulation, is like a little bicep curl for our stress resilience system.  Mild stress grows our nervous system and our capacity to tolerate stress in the future.

Which is important because well….life is pretty darn stressful.

We don’t need to create and construct experiences of stress for our kids with some intentionality to ‘strengthen their stress response system’ because there are plenty of opportunities that just emerge in real life.  Because we are all human.  Intentionally creating stress and discomfort for someone else in the name of ‘learning something’ or ‘growing the ability to deal with real life’ is frankly just not very nice.

In addition to these stress-resilience bicep curls, moments of imperfect parenting do something else really important.

They give our children the opportunity to experience repair.  To experience a reconnection after the disconnection.

Why is this so important?

I’m glad you asked 😊

Repairing a relationship disruption sends the loud and clear message “I see your pain.”

It’s easy to see someone when they are delightful.  It’s harder to see someone when they are in pain.  It’s even harder when we caused the pain.  It’s hard because it’s painful to us, too.

It takes a LOT of guts, bravery, and commitment to the relationship to say “I see your pain.”

And kids feel this.

Next, repairing a relationship disruption sends the loud and clear message “And it MATTERS to me.”

Seeing pain is one thing.  Caring about it is another.

Next, repairing a relationship disruption sends the loud and clear message “And I’m willing to be uncomfortable myself in order to fix what happened.”

Then there is the sweet relief of coming back into connection and attunement.  Of resting in the goodness of the relationship.

Even writing this, I take a huge, deep breath.

Now our kids are learning “You’ll come back to me.”  “I’m worth it.” “Relationships are hard but repairable.”  “I can tolerate distress because I know it won’t last forever.”  “I’m good and loveable.” “I can expect people to be brave enough to acknowledge when they’ve messed up.”

We want our kids to grow into adults who believe these things, yes???

Like I said…I mean maybe it’s just me who doesn’t need to go around looking for opportunities to mess up and cause my kid stress because there are plenty of opportunities that just happen without me even trying.

But if that happens to be true about you too, take comfort in knowing you don’t have to be perfect.  You just have to be brave enough to notice when you aren’t perfect and find ways to repair.  To come back into connection.  To allow both of you to breathe that sigh of relief that comes with finding one another again.

After a chucked a granola bar at my kid, I immediately felt shame and horror.  I was so so tired that morning. My own stress resilience system was not fully functioning.  These aren’t excuses, but it’s always helpful to understand what’s happening.  I quickly moved into an apology.  Making sure he wasn’t hurt (he wasn’t).  Stating very clearly “I should not have done that.  No one should ever hurt your body.”  Later, when we were back in connection, I also made it clear that it is my responsibility to manage my own feelings, he could never do anything that would ‘deserve’ getting hurt, and I would keep working hard on the things I needed to do to make sure I never went bananas on him like that in the future.

Robyn

PS Don’t throw things at your kids.

PPS My now teenage son knows I tell this story.  He’s given permission.

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Connection Can’t Not Work


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But we might have to redefine ‘what works’ in parenting.

Many years ago, I was asked to guest blog on the topic “How do I know when a parenting method just doesn’t work and I should give it up?”  I didn’t end up accepting the invitation but it sure did get my wheels spinning.

Does Connection-Based Parenting Work?

Brain-based.  Therapeutic.  Trauma Informed.  Attachment. Parenting with the Brain in Mind.  There are lots of catch phrases to capture the idea of parenting a child through the lens of the relational neurosciences- truly understanding the relational neurobiology of humans, the brain, relationships, and why we humans do what we do.  During the course of my career, I’ve watched a shift from punitive, behavior-based parenting strategies to connection, felt-safety, and regulation-based strategies.

This is great- except that we are still talking about strategies. 

Our left-brain (logical, linguistic) leaning culture reallllllly wants us to have a checklist.  Strategies.  Techniques.  To have someone say “If you do this this this and then this, then this will happen.  And everything will be fine.”

Where’s My Checklist???

When I was pregnant, I knew just enough about attachment to know it was important.  I had done research in graduate school on Reactive Attachment Disorder, and I understood the cycle of attachment (baby has need, baby expresses need, parent meets need, baby soothed), and gosh darn it, my baby was going to be attached to me.  I remember flipping through Dr. Sears’ “The Baby Book” and literally wondering where he had hidden the checklist.  I was the queen of “Just tell me what to do.”  I wanted a list of 10 things a parent does to make sure their child is securely attached.

I didn’t find it.  I did find enough people on the internet to tell me that secure attachment involved co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and baby-wearing.  Great.  Check, check, and check.

What has taken me years of parenting, being a partner, being a therapist, and being a client to learn is that there is no checklist.

Because secure attachment is cultivated through a way of being, not doing.

OK so rewind back to the original question.  This potential blog topic keeps popping up.  In my office, in my in-box, in parent groups.  Parents might ask “How do I know when connection-based parenting just isn’t going to work and I should throw in the towel.” Or maybe even “I tried that connection thing.   Dr. Seigel? Whole Brained Child? TBRI?  Those are great and all…but it didn’t work for my kid.”

Here’s the thing.

Connection can’t not work.

We have to reconsider, reevaluate, and redefine what we mean by work.

Can I give you a set of techniques- a checklist of sorts- that will stop your child’s challenging behaviors?

Unfortunately, no.

Are there ways to take the concepts of felt-safety, connection, and regulation and operationalize them in a way that helps parents – especially struggling and stressed out parents- will be able to implement into their home?

Fortunately, yes!

In my course Parenting after Trauma, Minding the Heart and Brain I’ve done exactly that!

There are some risks, though, when we try to operationalize connection.  The first one is that we take connection right out of connection.  What if I really did parent my newborn with a checklist?  Baby sling.  Breastfeeding.  Cosleeping.  I went through the motions.  I did what they told me to do.  Am I guaranteed a baby with secure attachment?

Unfortunately, no.

Because it’s not about doing. 

Especially with a newborn, a right-brained (nonverbal) tiny being.  Newborns don’t know about the checklist.  They don’t even understand my words.  Their nervous system responds to my tone of voice.  My facial expression.  My own nervous system regulation.

The same is true for our bigger kiddos.

How do you know connection-based parenting is working?

Because connection can’t not work.

What does it mean to work?  Does it mean we see behavior change?  Seeing behavior change can be great, but even when behavior changes it doesn’t mean that the way we are parenting is ‘working.’  Sometimes behaviors change and new, replacement behaviors emerge.

Sometimes behaviors don’t change.  But that doesn’t mean connection-based parenting isn’t working.

Connection based parenting is about trusting in the truth the connection is a biological imperative.  That our brains change in resonant relationships.  That no behavior is maladaptive.  Connection-based parenting means that when behaviors are difficult or pushing away relationship, we get curious about why.

Connection based parenting means children experience that their difficult behaviors don’t make them difficult people.  That they see themselves through our eyes as perfectly imperfect people who sometimes have very difficult behaviors that make sense, given what’s happening for them internally (because behaviors are simply an externalization of someone’s inner experience).

(You may want to check out podcast episode 11- Changing How We See People Changes People)

We can’t control if a child feels connected, regulated, and safe.  But we are absolutely responsible for creating an environment that invites connection, supports regulation, and provides safety.  If we do all those things and our child’s behaviors haven’t changed, does that mean that connection-based parenting doesn’t work?

Absolutely not. Connection can’t not work.

Robyn

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Connection or Protection??? {EP 7}


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The brain has essentially two settings- connection or protection.

Yes or no.

Safe or not safe.

Connection or protection.

It’s either on or off- like a light switch.  There’s no in-between.

But it does have a dimmer.  Like the light switch in my kitchen!  So sometime it’s on (protection), but just a little.

Four times EVERY SECOND the brain is scanning both our internal and our external word.

That’s once every ¼ of a second.

This is obviously happening far outside our awareness.  We can’t really comprehend or notice a quarter of a second.

Safe???

Not safe???

Safe???

Not safe???

Since our brain’s primary job is to keep us alive, it doesn’t like to take a lot of chances with that safe or not safe question. So if the answer is “Ummm….maybe….not sure???” it’s going to go with “not safe.”

When our brain decides ‘not safe,’ it sends a message VERY QUICKLY to the brainstem, which then launches the cascade of hormones and neurochemicals for protection- fight/flight/freeze/collapse.  It sends this message so quickly that even if the thinking, rational part of the brain knows it got ‘not safe’ wrong, it cannot intercept the message fast enough.  (Psst…this is why coping skills stored in the thinking part of the brain often get tossed out the proverbial window).

A parable of not safe but really actually safe

One morning, several years ago, I got up earrrrrrrllllllly to work-out (seriously, it starts at 4:45am) which means it was still very dark.  I stepped into the hallway and jumped a mile in the air when I saw what appeared to be a 4 to 5 foot snake.

Now, I lived in Texas.  In the country.  A 4-5 foot snake has never appeared in my house before, but this is not outside the realm of possibility.  One summer, my husband and friend had to deal with a copperhead snake that was resting next to the pool in our friend’s back yard.  At a pool party.  With children.  So.  Big dangerous snakes were not impossible there.  

My brain went “NOT SAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!” It made me pay extra close attention to the snake-like object and gave me enough energy to get out of dodge if that ended up being necessary.

Luckily, my brain is also happy to receive new information that says “Oh wait.  Oops.  Actually yup, that’s safe.  Carry on here.”  So almost immediately I was able to process the information that this deadly venomous snake was actually just the tie to my bath robe.

But my thinking brain couldn’t get the “It’s your bathrobe tie” message delivered faster than my brainstem got the “DANGER DANGER!!!!!!” message.  The message from my thinking brain- OH! This is the tie to my bath robe!!! – came AFTER I had already launched into fight/flight/.

I still have no idea why it was in the middle of the hallway, but my best guess is that my 1-year-old labradoodle was the culprit.

Because I don’t have a brain that is constantly bathing in stress hormones (like the children with a history of complex trauma who come to my office), my brain was open to the new information and I quickly settled back down.  If my brain was already alive with stress hormones, I wouldn’t have settled down so quickly.  I might have run back to bed to wake up my husband.  I’d like to think I might have dealt with a deadly venomous snake on my own with some really great quick thinking, but the truth is I would have got my husband up.  (Later we’ll see how ‘danger danger’ signals send us going TOWARD our connection figures).

You see, my brain is quite desperate to keep me alive.  It’s really it’s top priority.  I like that about my brain.  So it would rather give me a fright and believe there is danger when there isn’t any than accidentally ignore or miss something very dangerous and then be killed by a copperhead in my own hallway.

It was so early in the morning!!  My family wouldn’t have found me for hours!

Safe or not safe.  Off or on.  Connection or protection.

The next thing to know about our brilliant brains is that under the right (well actually they are very very wrong) conditions, our stress response system becomes highly sensitized.  If I’m in a state of almost constant danger (and neglect is constant danger), my brain gets ultra-sensitive to stress.  Remember I said our ‘on’ switches are like dimmer switches?  The sensitized brain sort of loses it’s dimming feature.  It goes from OFF to ON FULL BLAST.  The teeniest tiniest bit of stress activates all the alarm bells and we go right to “I’m going to die.”

This sensitization doesn’t have to be the result of trauma or abuse directed toward me.  It could be that I live in a verrry stressful environment and all the grown-ups are constantly stressed, violent, or using drugs.  Or the grown-ups could be gone.  I could be all alone and this leaves me in a state of constant terror, too.

I’m imagining this is starting to sound extremely familiar to you.  Like you might know someone in your home who seems to have a broken dimmer switch.

The other possibility is that the ‘not-safe’ part of the brain is so used to being “on” that it decides it’s best to just make “on” the default mode.  To live always in ‘danger danger’ mode.  I mean- think about it.  Why rest into ‘off’ mode if you are constantly being launched into ‘on’ mode?  It’s a lot of work to go from ‘off’ to ‘on’- even from a caloric perspective.  So it makes good sense to just stay on.  Sometimes dimly on (think about the way we leave our kitchen lights at night).  Sometimes most of the way on.

If you’re chronically in ‘danger danger’ mode, it sure is easy to misread something as dangerous when it’s actually not.  A neutral look on the face.  A raised voice (that isn’t yelling).  An arm movement that looks like it could be a smack across the face.  A sigh of exasperation from your mom when she forgets about the chicken nuggets in the toaster oven and they burn to obliteration.  (Hypothetically speaking).

And suddenly we’re in Armageddon because your child’s brain thought you sighed at them, and you’re exasperation equals rejection and abandonment.

Two settings.  Yes or no.  Safe or not safe. CONNECTION OR PROTECTION.

Chances are, you know a lot of what I already wrote.  But here’s the kicker.  The piece I reallllly wanted to share with you today.

When the danger center of the brain is resting- the switch is off- because it has decided that everything is safe, we are open and available for connection.  For relationship.

Not only are we open for it, we are constantly seeking it.

Connection is a BIOLOGICAL IMPERATIVE.  When we are experiencing felt-safety, we want to move toward it like a heat seeking missile.  Without connection, we will die.  In fact, lack of connection turns the the protection side of the brain on!!!  When we are seeking connection and can’t find it, we switch into “not safe” mode.  This helps us know how important it is that we find connection ASAP.

The opposite of connection mode is protection mode.  When I’m in protection mode, I’m doing two things- protecting myself from danger and LOOKING FOR CONNECTION.  I’m going to go away from the danger and toward connection.

If I’m in connection mode, my nervous system- and subsequently my behaviors- is inviting connection and relationship.  Remember.  It’s a biological imperative.  We actually need connection.  Like food.  So by DEFAULT, if my brain is experiencing safety and I’m in connection mode, I’m behaving in a way that is inviting connection.

So the opposite is true, too.  If I’m behaving in a way that is not inviting connection, behavior that is actually encouraging people to get away or leave me, then I am clearly in protection mode.  My fear-centers are ON and believes there is danger.

Let’s repeat that.

If I’m behaving in a way that is NOT INVITING CONNECTION, my fear-centers of the brain is ON.  I am in protection mode.

If I have a history of secure attachment, my intuitive response is to protect myself and find connection (often they are the same thing, especially if I’m a toddler).  Once I am soothed and safe, my fear-centers turn off and I’m open and available for connection again.  Which means, behaviors that invite connection emerge.

If I have a history of attachment trauma, things get a little complicated.  When my fear-based brain is turned on, I still have the biological drive to find connection, but I have a messy relationship with connection. 

Connection is what was actually dangerous.

This is an exhausting and confusing internal battle, and it’s a battle that is relentless inside our precious children who experienced trauma inside relationship.  But this doesn’t change that connection is a biological imperative.

There is a part of your child that is seeking connection, I promise.  You might not be able to see that part.  It might be covered up by layers and layers and pounds of debris and protectors that will not allow that connection-seeking part to ever ever ever be hurt again.  But I promise you it is there.

Connection is a biological imperative.

Your child isn’t manipulative or controlling or considering you to be the nurturing enemy.

Your child IS seeking connection.  Is desperate for it.  But is also terrified.

Stay firmly planted in the truth that connection is a biological imperative.  When I am experiencing felt-safety, I am open and available for connection.  When I am not experiencing felt-safety, our nervous system closes down and we are not available for connection.    REMEMBER.  Behaviors that drive AWAY connection and relationship are the result of a closed nervous system and brain that is not feeling safe.

When your child (or spouse or colleague or check-out lady at the grocery store) is not behaving in a way that invites connection, know that their fear-centers are on.

When your child is experiencing felt-safety, connection is possible.  It’s imperative.

Robyn

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What’s Regulation Got to Do With It {EP 6}


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I say regulation a lot- so let’s define it and define why it’s important.

Regulation is balance.  It’s a word that applies to a lot of things.  The thermostat in my house helps to regulate the temperature- it keeps it in balance at the threshold I choose. If my house is too cold, the accelerator of the hear kicks in.  If the house is too hot, the brakes engage.  The dance of regulation helps to keep the temperature of my house in balance.

Regulation is a word that applies to a lot of different concepts, but when I talk about regulation I’m usually talking about how the regulation of energy and arousal in our autonomic nervous system drives behaviors.

Like my heating system, our autonomic nervous system has an accelerator and a brake.  Too much of either, combined with a lack of felt-safety, is what leads to behaviors of opposition, defiance, etc.

Let’s talk for a brief moment about ‘too much.’

You already know I believe that no behavior is maladaptive.  Our minds and bodies and nervous systems are so smart…and our autonomic nervous system engages just the right amount of accelerator or brake based on our neuroception. (I explain neuroception in the No Behavior is Maladaptive article).

Regulation is about our nervous system being able to experience the ebb and flow of the accelerator and brakes without disrupting the functioning of our systems (Siegel).  So dysregulation = disruption.  It’s more energy than we can integrate or process.  It pulls us out of groundedness (notice…I did not say it pulls us out of calm.  We don’t have to be calm to be regulated…)

What we know about the brain means that when the energy and arousal is in balance, we stay present and grounded.  We can make adjustments to our behavior and our levels of arousal because we are mindfully aware.  Again- this does not necessarily mean calm!

Energy and arousal in our autonomic nervous system is underneath everything we do.  It’s underneath all our behaviors.  The energy and arousal, combined with our neuroception of safety or not, emerges as behaviors.  Either protective behaviors or connecting behaviors.

Regulation has EVERYTHING to do with it.  Literally everything.

Without a doubt, sometimes behaviors just need to stop and we don’t have time to worry about regulation.

But when we have time (and our own regulation) to think about regulation and then address regulation instead of just the behavior, we’ll not only shift the behavior in the moment but we’ll support the nervous system in moving toward the health and wellness that will contribute to long term change as well.

How is regulation developed?

In attachment.  The parts of the brain, mind, and nervous system that help a child develop self-regulation are nurtured and strengthened in the co-regulation dance of attachment.

If a child has missed the co-regulation they needed to develop age-appropriate regulation, we can contribute to the development of regulation by continuing to offer the co-regulation they need.

This sounds easy but it is NOT!  It’s theoretically easy to co-regulate a crying baby, except sometimes it’s not!  Sometimes we get overwhelmed and dysregulated when babies are crying.  And then of course we can’t co-regulate the crying baby.

It’s a lot harder to stay regulated enough to co-regulate a five-year-old.  Or 8 or 15.  Especially when their dysregulation isn’t just crying.  It’s screaming or lying or stealing or using drugs or cussing.

Understanding regulation and what regulation has to do with it means we can feel confident that children don’t need punishment.  They need boundaries and co-regulation.

(I go into a few examples in the podcast!  You can listen at the top of the page).

Parenting with co-regulation is very active parenting.  It’s a bummer because as our children get older, we are supposed to enjoy a decrease in how actively we parent.  If you have a child with the delayed developed of self-regulation due to complex trauma or another brain-based difference (autism, giftedness, PANS or PANDAS etc.), you probably need to grieve that your parenting journey isn’t what you expected.  That’s righteous and earned grief.  Grieve it.  Then go back to parenting with co-regulation.

Understanding regulation helps us see our children for who they really are.

They are really great kids who are really dysregulated.  And believe it or not, even if you can’t stop the behavior or come up with a tool or a technique to change their regulation, changing how you see your kid really matters.

Because of mirror neurons and the resonance circuitry and all sorts of other cool things in the brain, changing how we see people changes people.  When we see our kids as good kids who are struggling with regulation- they begin to believe that about themselves.  Believing you’re a good kid improves your regulation!  It improves your behavior.

Those moments when you aren’t parenting the way you want to parent?

You’re probably dysregulated, too.  Regulation has everything to do with everything.

Just like regulated, connected kids who feel safe behave well, regulated, connected parents who feel safe parent well.

You’re doing amazing.

Robyn

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Gaslighting & Adoption


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“Maybe I’m the one who’s confused….???”

That’s my clue.  When I hear those words bouncing around in my mind, I can be CONFIDENT that the answer is NO.  I’m not confused.   I am being gaslighted.

In the last four-ish years, most of us have become more familiar with the concept of gaslighting.  It’s a word that first entered into our vocabulary after a 1944 movie (based on an earlier play) called….you guessed it….Gaslight.

Basically, a woman was driven insane by her husband’s continued insistence that her reality was wrong and his was right. She saw flickering gaslights.  He said she didn’t; she was imagining it.  The gaslights WERE flickering.  In fact, he was making them flicker.  She started to believe she was losing her grip on reality; that she couldn’t trust her own thoughts or experiences or instincts.

It’s abuse. 

Think….Emperor’s New Clothes.

It’s a story that is not based on what is actually happening.

The Emperor has beautiful new clothes!

Except…the Emperor is NAKED.

In my office, I talk with parents about how important it is for the ‘insides and the outsides to match.’  Our brains KNOW when someone is being inauthentic.  When their insides and outsides don’t match.  When they are creating a version of reality that works better for them but isn’t true (like pretending not to be mad at all when really you’re furious).  This inauthenticity erodes felt-safety.  We have to give voice to the story under the story.  

The adoption industry sells the version of reality that works for them.

Adoption is the same as biological parenting…

Adoptive families are no different than biological families…

Adopted kids are so lucky…

These are stories that are not based in reality.  Stories that were made up to keep a powerful industry in power. Stories made up to soothe the folks who benefit from annihilation of families.

When I use words like annihilation, I get a catch in my throat and have a moment of panic that I’m being overly dramatic.

Then I take a breath and realize that this actually proves me point.

It’s the gaslighting in adoption that gives me a moment of pause that I’m being dramatic when I use the word annihilation.  It’s the gaslighting that makes me want to pause what I’m writing to reassure you that I’m not anti-adoption.  Because being the victim of gaslighting for decades and decades leaves you feeling that if you give words to what hasn’t been said, you risk everyone deciding there is something wrong with YOU.

I just can’t help myself.  I gotta tell you.  I’m not anti-adoption.  I would like to think this goes without saying but since we are talking about gaslighting, it’s important to say what isn’t being said.

I’m not anti-adoption.

I won’t say a ton about this because that’s a whole other topic- but I’ve worked with and in the child welfare system long enough to know that some kids really do need new, safe families.

I’ve also worked in and with the child welfare system long enough to know that lots of kids really need their biological families to receive the same amount of support we give foster and adoptive families.  Then they might be able to stay with their biological families.

I’m also, quite obviously I think, not anti-adoptive parents.   

Here’s the thing.  The very denial of reality is woven into the fabric of adoption.  It’s intergenerational.  We practically can’t even help it.

Except we can.  Me and you!!!  Together we can start saying the unsayable.  Saying what’s true and real and underneath.  Even when it’s hard.

Adoption gaslighting sounds like “You grew in my heart.”

No, they didn’t.

Adoption gaslighting sounds like “You were chosen.”

Well, not usually.  Usually two files came to the top of the stack at the same time.  The child’s and the adoptive parent’s.  Or the child’s mother chose the adoptive family.  That’s the opposite of being chosen.

Adoption gaslighting sounds like “We are your forever family.”

Well…does that mean my first family somehow isn’t my family anymore?  Because if they ARE still my family, then how does that make them NOT my forever family?  Can family become unfamily?  ]Let’s just say that they can.  If a biological family can become an unfamily, then what on earth is to say that an adoptive family can’t become an unfamily?

Nothing.  In fact…lots of adoptive families become unfamilies.

Adoption gaslighting denies that adoptive families have different needs than biological families.  They have different needs because they are different!!  Adopted kids have different needs because they have lost something completely unfathomable- their family!!

To be clear…there is nothing wrong with adopted people…kids or adults.  Having a unique special need…like starting your life with family annihilation….doesn’t mean there is some inherent flaw that can’t be fixed.

There is nothing wrong with anyone- adopted people included.

But we all have unique special needs.  And having a mom that’s not my mom is a unique special need of an adopted person.

Let’s just name it!

We could just talk about it!  From the very first day.

I’m your mom.  I’m not your mom.  You have two moms.  That’s hard.  And kinda cool because moms are cool and you get two.  But also hard because needing a second mom means something devastating happened. 

You grew in your mom just like all babies do!  We wanted to be parents soooooo soooooooooo much.  When you needed parents to take care of you, we were SO EXCITED that it got to be us!  But we also know that our excitement at getting to be your parents means that you had to go through something really tragic.  It’s hard to hold both of those truths at once, it isn’t.

Here’s the real kicker.

We get mad when our children gaslight us.

Did you hear Anne Heffron tell the story about insisting to her dad that she got the oil changed (she didn’t).  And that she would not, under any circumstances, admit she was lying, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE.

If you missed it, you really should check it out over on my free resources page.  You can get to the video by CLICKING HERE.

That is a lovely example of gaslighting.

It’s easy to gaslight someone else when your life is based on gaslighting.

When you have learned to survive by agreeing with the reality created by others, you learn that survival means creating your own reality and sticking to it.  Period.

What’s SUPER cool is that we have so much power to stop the cycle of gaslighting in adoption.

It’s actually not really even that hard.

We gotta get realllllly good at saying what’s not being said.

I would have coached Anne’s dad to say “I know you didn’t change the oil.  I also know it feels impossible to you to acknowledge that right now.  I love you.  Let’s talk about this later.”

Just the truth.

Say what isn’t being said.

I’m not your mom.  I am your mom.

I hoped and prayed and waited to become your mom.  I did this even knowing that another mom would have to lose you in order for me to be a mom.  That is such a hard thing to acknowledge. 

You wish you’d never been adopted and at the same time you can’t imagine your life without us in a different family.  It’s possible and human and normal to have two completely contradictory feelings at the same time.  I want to hear about all your feelings. 

Keep being awesome.  Together, we are doing hard things.

Robyn

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