Connection Can’t Not Work


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But we might have to redefine ‘what works’ in parenting.

Many years ago, I was asked to guest blog on the topic “How do I know when a parenting method just doesn’t work and I should give it up?”  I didn’t end up accepting the invitation but it sure did get my wheels spinning.

Does Connection-Based Parenting Work?

Brain-based.  Therapeutic.  Trauma Informed.  Attachment. Parenting with the Brain in Mind.  There are lots of catch phrases to capture the idea of parenting a child through the lens of the relational neurosciences- truly understanding the relational neurobiology of humans, the brain, relationships, and why we humans do what we do.  During the course of my career, I’ve watched a shift from punitive, behavior-based parenting strategies to connection, felt-safety, and regulation-based strategies.

This is great- except that we are still talking about strategies. 

Our left-brain (logical, linguistic) leaning culture reallllllly wants us to have a checklist.  Strategies.  Techniques.  To have someone say “If you do this this this and then this, then this will happen.  And everything will be fine.”

Where’s My Checklist???

When I was pregnant, I knew just enough about attachment to know it was important.  I had done research in graduate school on Reactive Attachment Disorder, and I understood the cycle of attachment (baby has need, baby expresses need, parent meets need, baby soothed), and gosh darn it, my baby was going to be attached to me.  I remember flipping through Dr. Sears’ “The Baby Book” and literally wondering where he had hidden the checklist.  I was the queen of “Just tell me what to do.”  I wanted a list of 10 things a parent does to make sure their child is securely attached.

I didn’t find it.  I did find enough people on the internet to tell me that secure attachment involved co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and baby-wearing.  Great.  Check, check, and check.

What has taken me years of parenting, being a partner, being a therapist, and being a client to learn is that there is no checklist.

Because secure attachment is cultivated through a way of being, not doing.

OK so rewind back to the original question.  This potential blog topic keeps popping up.  In my office, in my in-box, in parent groups.  Parents might ask “How do I know when connection-based parenting just isn’t going to work and I should throw in the towel.” Or maybe even “I tried that connection thing.   Dr. Seigel? Whole Brained Child? TBRI?  Those are great and all…but it didn’t work for my kid.”

Here’s the thing.

Connection can’t not work.

We have to reconsider, reevaluate, and redefine what we mean by work.

Can I give you a set of techniques- a checklist of sorts- that will stop your child’s challenging behaviors?

Unfortunately, no.

Are there ways to take the concepts of felt-safety, connection, and regulation and operationalize them in a way that helps parents – especially struggling and stressed out parents- will be able to implement into their home?

Fortunately, yes!

In my course Parenting after Trauma, Minding the Heart and Brain I’ve done exactly that!

There are some risks, though, when we try to operationalize connection.  The first one is that we take connection right out of connection.  What if I really did parent my newborn with a checklist?  Baby sling.  Breastfeeding.  Cosleeping.  I went through the motions.  I did what they told me to do.  Am I guaranteed a baby with secure attachment?

Unfortunately, no.

Because it’s not about doing. 

Especially with a newborn, a right-brained (nonverbal) tiny being.  Newborns don’t know about the checklist.  They don’t even understand my words.  Their nervous system responds to my tone of voice.  My facial expression.  My own nervous system regulation.

The same is true for our bigger kiddos.

How do you know connection-based parenting is working?

Because connection can’t not work.

What does it mean to work?  Does it mean we see behavior change?  Seeing behavior change can be great, but even when behavior changes it doesn’t mean that the way we are parenting is ‘working.’  Sometimes behaviors change and new, replacement behaviors emerge.

Sometimes behaviors don’t change.  But that doesn’t mean connection-based parenting isn’t working.

Connection based parenting is about trusting in the truth the connection is a biological imperative.  That our brains change in resonant relationships.  That no behavior is maladaptive.  Connection-based parenting means that when behaviors are difficult or pushing away relationship, we get curious about why.

Connection based parenting means children experience that their difficult behaviors don’t make them difficult people.  That they see themselves through our eyes as perfectly imperfect people who sometimes have very difficult behaviors that make sense, given what’s happening for them internally (because behaviors are simply an externalization of someone’s inner experience).

(You may want to check out podcast episode 11- Changing How We See People Changes People)

We can’t control if a child feels connected, regulated, and safe.  But we are absolutely responsible for creating an environment that invites connection, supports regulation, and provides safety.  If we do all those things and our child’s behaviors haven’t changed, does that mean that connection-based parenting doesn’t work?

Absolutely not. Connection can’t not work.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Connection or Protection??? {EP 7}


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Keep reading or listen on the podcast!

The brain has essentially two settings- connection or protection.

Yes or no.

Safe or not safe.

Connection or protection.

It’s either on or off- like a light switch.  There’s no in-between.

But it does have a dimmer.  Like the light switch in my kitchen!  So sometime it’s on (protection), but just a little.

Four times EVERY SECOND the brain is scanning both our internal and our external word.

That’s once every ¼ of a second.

This is obviously happening far outside our awareness.  We can’t really comprehend or notice a quarter of a second.

Safe???

Not safe???

Safe???

Not safe???

Since our brain’s primary job is to keep us alive, it doesn’t like to take a lot of chances with that safe or not safe question. So if the answer is “Ummm….maybe….not sure???” it’s going to go with “not safe.”

When our brain decides ‘not safe,’ it sends a message VERY QUICKLY to the brainstem, which then launches the cascade of hormones and neurochemicals for protection- fight/flight/freeze/collapse.  It sends this message so quickly that even if the thinking, rational part of the brain knows it got ‘not safe’ wrong, it cannot intercept the message fast enough.  (Psst…this is why coping skills stored in the thinking part of the brain often get tossed out the proverbial window).

A parable of not safe but really actually safe

One morning, several years ago, I got up earrrrrrrllllllly to work-out (seriously, it starts at 4:45am) which means it was still very dark.  I stepped into the hallway and jumped a mile in the air when I saw what appeared to be a 4 to 5 foot snake.

Now, I lived in Texas.  In the country.  A 4-5 foot snake has never appeared in my house before, but this is not outside the realm of possibility.  One summer, my husband and friend had to deal with a copperhead snake that was resting next to the pool in our friend’s back yard.  At a pool party.  With children.  So.  Big dangerous snakes were not impossible there.  

My brain went “NOT SAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!” It made me pay extra close attention to the snake-like object and gave me enough energy to get out of dodge if that ended up being necessary.

Luckily, my brain is also happy to receive new information that says “Oh wait.  Oops.  Actually yup, that’s safe.  Carry on here.”  So almost immediately I was able to process the information that this deadly venomous snake was actually just the tie to my bath robe.

But my thinking brain couldn’t get the “It’s your bathrobe tie” message delivered faster than my brainstem got the “DANGER DANGER!!!!!!” message.  The message from my thinking brain- OH! This is the tie to my bath robe!!! – came AFTER I had already launched into fight/flight/.

I still have no idea why it was in the middle of the hallway, but my best guess is that my 1-year-old labradoodle was the culprit.

Because I don’t have a brain that is constantly bathing in stress hormones (like the children with a history of complex trauma who come to my office), my brain was open to the new information and I quickly settled back down.  If my brain was already alive with stress hormones, I wouldn’t have settled down so quickly.  I might have run back to bed to wake up my husband.  I’d like to think I might have dealt with a deadly venomous snake on my own with some really great quick thinking, but the truth is I would have got my husband up.  (Later we’ll see how ‘danger danger’ signals send us going TOWARD our connection figures).

You see, my brain is quite desperate to keep me alive.  It’s really it’s top priority.  I like that about my brain.  So it would rather give me a fright and believe there is danger when there isn’t any than accidentally ignore or miss something very dangerous and then be killed by a copperhead in my own hallway.

It was so early in the morning!!  My family wouldn’t have found me for hours!

Safe or not safe.  Off or on.  Connection or protection.

The next thing to know about our brilliant brains is that under the right (well actually they are very very wrong) conditions, our stress response system becomes highly sensitized.  If I’m in a state of almost constant danger (and neglect is constant danger), my brain gets ultra-sensitive to stress.  Remember I said our ‘on’ switches are like dimmer switches?  The sensitized brain sort of loses it’s dimming feature.  It goes from OFF to ON FULL BLAST.  The teeniest tiniest bit of stress activates all the alarm bells and we go right to “I’m going to die.”

This sensitization doesn’t have to be the result of trauma or abuse directed toward me.  It could be that I live in a verrry stressful environment and all the grown-ups are constantly stressed, violent, or using drugs.  Or the grown-ups could be gone.  I could be all alone and this leaves me in a state of constant terror, too.

I’m imagining this is starting to sound extremely familiar to you.  Like you might know someone in your home who seems to have a broken dimmer switch.

The other possibility is that the ‘not-safe’ part of the brain is so used to being “on” that it decides it’s best to just make “on” the default mode.  To live always in ‘danger danger’ mode.  I mean- think about it.  Why rest into ‘off’ mode if you are constantly being launched into ‘on’ mode?  It’s a lot of work to go from ‘off’ to ‘on’- even from a caloric perspective.  So it makes good sense to just stay on.  Sometimes dimly on (think about the way we leave our kitchen lights at night).  Sometimes most of the way on.

If you’re chronically in ‘danger danger’ mode, it sure is easy to misread something as dangerous when it’s actually not.  A neutral look on the face.  A raised voice (that isn’t yelling).  An arm movement that looks like it could be a smack across the face.  A sigh of exasperation from your mom when she forgets about the chicken nuggets in the toaster oven and they burn to obliteration.  (Hypothetically speaking).

And suddenly we’re in Armageddon because your child’s brain thought you sighed at them, and you’re exasperation equals rejection and abandonment.

Two settings.  Yes or no.  Safe or not safe. CONNECTION OR PROTECTION.

Chances are, you know a lot of what I already wrote.  But here’s the kicker.  The piece I reallllly wanted to share with you today.

When the danger center of the brain is resting- the switch is off- because it has decided that everything is safe, we are open and available for connection.  For relationship.

Not only are we open for it, we are constantly seeking it.

Connection is a BIOLOGICAL IMPERATIVE.  When we are experiencing felt-safety, we want to move toward it like a heat seeking missile.  Without connection, we will die.  In fact, lack of connection turns the the protection side of the brain on!!!  When we are seeking connection and can’t find it, we switch into “not safe” mode.  This helps us know how important it is that we find connection ASAP.

The opposite of connection mode is protection mode.  When I’m in protection mode, I’m doing two things- protecting myself from danger and LOOKING FOR CONNECTION.  I’m going to go away from the danger and toward connection.

If I’m in connection mode, my nervous system- and subsequently my behaviors- is inviting connection and relationship.  Remember.  It’s a biological imperative.  We actually need connection.  Like food.  So by DEFAULT, if my brain is experiencing safety and I’m in connection mode, I’m behaving in a way that is inviting connection.

So the opposite is true, too.  If I’m behaving in a way that is not inviting connection, behavior that is actually encouraging people to get away or leave me, then I am clearly in protection mode.  My fear-centers are ON and believes there is danger.

Let’s repeat that.

If I’m behaving in a way that is NOT INVITING CONNECTION, my fear-centers of the brain is ON.  I am in protection mode.

If I have a history of secure attachment, my intuitive response is to protect myself and find connection (often they are the same thing, especially if I’m a toddler).  Once I am soothed and safe, my fear-centers turn off and I’m open and available for connection again.  Which means, behaviors that invite connection emerge.

If I have a history of attachment trauma, things get a little complicated.  When my fear-based brain is turned on, I still have the biological drive to find connection, but I have a messy relationship with connection. 

Connection is what was actually dangerous.

This is an exhausting and confusing internal battle, and it’s a battle that is relentless inside our precious children who experienced trauma inside relationship.  But this doesn’t change that connection is a biological imperative.

There is a part of your child that is seeking connection, I promise.  You might not be able to see that part.  It might be covered up by layers and layers and pounds of debris and protectors that will not allow that connection-seeking part to ever ever ever be hurt again.  But I promise you it is there.

Connection is a biological imperative.

Your child isn’t manipulative or controlling or considering you to be the nurturing enemy.

Your child IS seeking connection.  Is desperate for it.  But is also terrified.

Stay firmly planted in the truth that connection is a biological imperative.  When I am experiencing felt-safety, I am open and available for connection.  When I am not experiencing felt-safety, our nervous system closes down and we are not available for connection.    REMEMBER.  Behaviors that drive AWAY connection and relationship are the result of a closed nervous system and brain that is not feeling safe.

When your child (or spouse or colleague or check-out lady at the grocery store) is not behaving in a way that invites connection, know that their fear-centers are on.

When your child is experiencing felt-safety, connection is possible.  It’s imperative.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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What’s Regulation Got to Do With It {EP 6}


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I say regulation a lot- so let’s define it and define why it’s important.

Regulation is balance.  It’s a word that applies to a lot of things.  The thermostat in my house helps to regulate the temperature- it keeps it in balance at the threshold I choose. If my house is too cold, the accelerator of the hear kicks in.  If the house is too hot, the brakes engage.  The dance of regulation helps to keep the temperature of my house in balance.

Regulation is a word that applies to a lot of different concepts, but when I talk about regulation I’m usually talking about how the regulation of energy and arousal in our autonomic nervous system drives behaviors.

Like my heating system, our autonomic nervous system has an accelerator and a brake.  Too much of either, combined with a lack of felt-safety, is what leads to behaviors of opposition, defiance, etc.

Let’s talk for a brief moment about ‘too much.’

You already know I believe that no behavior is maladaptive.  Our minds and bodies and nervous systems are so smart…and our autonomic nervous system engages just the right amount of accelerator or brake based on our neuroception. (I explain neuroception in the No Behavior is Maladaptive article).

Regulation is about our nervous system being able to experience the ebb and flow of the accelerator and brakes without disrupting the functioning of our systems (Siegel).  So dysregulation = disruption.  It’s more energy than we can integrate or process.  It pulls us out of groundedness (notice…I did not say it pulls us out of calm.  We don’t have to be calm to be regulated…)

What we know about the brain means that when the energy and arousal is in balance, we stay present and grounded.  We can make adjustments to our behavior and our levels of arousal because we are mindfully aware.  Again- this does not necessarily mean calm!

Energy and arousal in our autonomic nervous system is underneath everything we do.  It’s underneath all our behaviors.  The energy and arousal, combined with our neuroception of safety or not, emerges as behaviors.  Either protective behaviors or connecting behaviors.

Regulation has EVERYTHING to do with it.  Literally everything.

Without a doubt, sometimes behaviors just need to stop and we don’t have time to worry about regulation.

But when we have time (and our own regulation) to think about regulation and then address regulation instead of just the behavior, we’ll not only shift the behavior in the moment but we’ll support the nervous system in moving toward the health and wellness that will contribute to long term change as well.

How is regulation developed?

In attachment.  The parts of the brain, mind, and nervous system that help a child develop self-regulation are nurtured and strengthened in the co-regulation dance of attachment.

If a child has missed the co-regulation they needed to develop age-appropriate regulation, we can contribute to the development of regulation by continuing to offer the co-regulation they need.

This sounds easy but it is NOT!  It’s theoretically easy to co-regulate a crying baby, except sometimes it’s not!  Sometimes we get overwhelmed and dysregulated when babies are crying.  And then of course we can’t co-regulate the crying baby.

It’s a lot harder to stay regulated enough to co-regulate a five-year-old.  Or 8 or 15.  Especially when their dysregulation isn’t just crying.  It’s screaming or lying or stealing or using drugs or cussing.

Understanding regulation and what regulation has to do with it means we can feel confident that children don’t need punishment.  They need boundaries and co-regulation.

(I go into a few examples in the podcast!  You can listen at the top of the page).

Parenting with co-regulation is very active parenting.  It’s a bummer because as our children get older, we are supposed to enjoy a decrease in how actively we parent.  If you have a child with the delayed developed of self-regulation due to complex trauma or another brain-based difference (autism, giftedness, PANS or PANDAS etc.), you probably need to grieve that your parenting journey isn’t what you expected.  That’s righteous and earned grief.  Grieve it.  Then go back to parenting with co-regulation.

Understanding regulation helps us see our children for who they really are.

They are really great kids who are really dysregulated.  And believe it or not, even if you can’t stop the behavior or come up with a tool or a technique to change their regulation, changing how you see your kid really matters.

Because of mirror neurons and the resonance circuitry and all sorts of other cool things in the brain, changing how we see people changes people.  When we see our kids as good kids who are struggling with regulation- they begin to believe that about themselves.  Believing you’re a good kid improves your regulation!  It improves your behavior.

Those moments when you aren’t parenting the way you want to parent?

You’re probably dysregulated, too.  Regulation has everything to do with everything.

Just like regulated, connected kids who feel safe behave well, regulated, connected parents who feel safe parent well.

You’re doing amazing.

Robyn

Would you like to explore further into this complete paradigm-shift on how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Gaslighting & Adoption


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“Maybe I’m the one who’s confused….???”

That’s my clue.  When I hear those words bouncing around in my mind, I can be CONFIDENT that the answer is NO.  I’m not confused.   I am being gaslighted.

In the last four-ish years, most of us have become more familiar with the concept of gaslighting.  It’s a word that first entered into our vocabulary after a 1944 movie (based on an earlier play) called….you guessed it….Gaslight.

Basically, a woman was driven insane by her husband’s continued insistence that her reality was wrong and his was right. She saw flickering gaslights.  He said she didn’t; she was imagining it.  The gaslights WERE flickering.  In fact, he was making them flicker.  She started to believe she was losing her grip on reality; that she couldn’t trust her own thoughts or experiences or instincts.

It’s abuse. 

Think….Emperor’s New Clothes.

It’s a story that is not based on what is actually happening.

The Emperor has beautiful new clothes!

Except…the Emperor is NAKED.

In my office, I talk with parents about how important it is for the ‘insides and the outsides to match.’  Our brains KNOW when someone is being inauthentic.  When their insides and outsides don’t match.  When they are creating a version of reality that works better for them but isn’t true (like pretending not to be mad at all when really you’re furious).  This inauthenticity erodes felt-safety.  We have to give voice to the story under the story.  

The adoption industry sells the version of reality that works for them.

Adoption is the same as biological parenting…

Adoptive families are no different than biological families…

Adopted kids are so lucky…

These are stories that are not based in reality.  Stories that were made up to keep a powerful industry in power. Stories made up to soothe the folks who benefit from annihilation of families.

When I use words like annihilation, I get a catch in my throat and have a moment of panic that I’m being overly dramatic.

Then I take a breath and realize that this actually proves me point.

It’s the gaslighting in adoption that gives me a moment of pause that I’m being dramatic when I use the word annihilation.  It’s the gaslighting that makes me want to pause what I’m writing to reassure you that I’m not anti-adoption.  Because being the victim of gaslighting for decades and decades leaves you feeling that if you give words to what hasn’t been said, you risk everyone deciding there is something wrong with YOU.

I just can’t help myself.  I gotta tell you.  I’m not anti-adoption.  I would like to think this goes without saying but since we are talking about gaslighting, it’s important to say what isn’t being said.

I’m not anti-adoption.

I won’t say a ton about this because that’s a whole other topic- but I’ve worked with and in the child welfare system long enough to know that some kids really do need new, safe families.

I’ve also worked in and with the child welfare system long enough to know that lots of kids really need their biological families to receive the same amount of support we give foster and adoptive families.  Then they might be able to stay with their biological families.

I’m also, quite obviously I think, not anti-adoptive parents.   

Here’s the thing.  The very denial of reality is woven into the fabric of adoption.  It’s intergenerational.  We practically can’t even help it.

Except we can.  Me and you!!!  Together we can start saying the unsayable.  Saying what’s true and real and underneath.  Even when it’s hard.

Adoption gaslighting sounds like “You grew in my heart.”

No, they didn’t.

Adoption gaslighting sounds like “You were chosen.”

Well, not usually.  Usually two files came to the top of the stack at the same time.  The child’s and the adoptive parent’s.  Or the child’s mother chose the adoptive family.  That’s the opposite of being chosen.

Adoption gaslighting sounds like “We are your forever family.”

Well…does that mean my first family somehow isn’t my family anymore?  Because if they ARE still my family, then how does that make them NOT my forever family?  Can family become unfamily?  ]Let’s just say that they can.  If a biological family can become an unfamily, then what on earth is to say that an adoptive family can’t become an unfamily?

Nothing.  In fact…lots of adoptive families become unfamilies.

Adoption gaslighting denies that adoptive families have different needs than biological families.  They have different needs because they are different!!  Adopted kids have different needs because they have lost something completely unfathomable- their family!!

To be clear…there is nothing wrong with adopted people…kids or adults.  Having a unique special need…like starting your life with family annihilation….doesn’t mean there is some inherent flaw that can’t be fixed.

There is nothing wrong with anyone- adopted people included.

But we all have unique special needs.  And having a mom that’s not my mom is a unique special need of an adopted person.

Let’s just name it!

We could just talk about it!  From the very first day.

I’m your mom.  I’m not your mom.  You have two moms.  That’s hard.  And kinda cool because moms are cool and you get two.  But also hard because needing a second mom means something devastating happened. 

You grew in your mom just like all babies do!  We wanted to be parents soooooo soooooooooo much.  When you needed parents to take care of you, we were SO EXCITED that it got to be us!  But we also know that our excitement at getting to be your parents means that you had to go through something really tragic.  It’s hard to hold both of those truths at once, it isn’t.

Here’s the real kicker.

We get mad when our children gaslight us.

Did you hear Anne Heffron tell the story about insisting to her dad that she got the oil changed (she didn’t).  And that she would not, under any circumstances, admit she was lying, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE.

If you missed it, you really should check it out over on my free resources page.  You can get to the video by CLICKING HERE.

That is a lovely example of gaslighting.

It’s easy to gaslight someone else when your life is based on gaslighting.

When you have learned to survive by agreeing with the reality created by others, you learn that survival means creating your own reality and sticking to it.  Period.

What’s SUPER cool is that we have so much power to stop the cycle of gaslighting in adoption.

It’s actually not really even that hard.

We gotta get realllllly good at saying what’s not being said.

I would have coached Anne’s dad to say “I know you didn’t change the oil.  I also know it feels impossible to you to acknowledge that right now.  I love you.  Let’s talk about this later.”

Just the truth.

Say what isn’t being said.

I’m not your mom.  I am your mom.

I hoped and prayed and waited to become your mom.  I did this even knowing that another mom would have to lose you in order for me to be a mom.  That is such a hard thing to acknowledge. 

You wish you’d never been adopted and at the same time you can’t imagine your life without us in a different family.  It’s possible and human and normal to have two completely contradictory feelings at the same time.  I want to hear about all your feelings. 

Keep being awesome.  Together, we are doing hard things.

Robyn

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The Story Under the Story


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Adoption rewrites a story.

This often becomes a story so full of confusion that no one knows what to say or do. There’s a story that’s hiding…and it seems like it might be scary- I mean, why else would it be hiding?

But it isn’t scary.

It’s not scary because its true. 

It’s just you (or your child)! You (and your child!) aren’t scary.

We can find the story.  Gently. Lovingly.

And then burst it wide open in all it’s complete wonderfulness.

There’s a story in adoption…

a child was born to one family, but then becomes a part of another.  It’s the story we talk about.  The story that’s easy to see.  We get so focused on the story we see that we stop noticing the story under the story.

It’s the story under the story that’s true.  It’s the story that connects us to ourselves.  To each other.  To our infinite worth.  We might not even know that there is a story under the story.  But there is!!!  And when we find this story, we find ourselves.  And then we find each other.  And if we’re parents- we can find our children and they can find us.  Things might not get easier…but they certainly become more filled with ease.

The story under the story is there whether we acknowledge it or not. We might as well throw it a party and welcome it.  In all it’s glittery glory.

Getting your story our clears out the muck.

You’ll move from not knowing how to see yourself on paper (or anywhere else)

….to seeing how wonderful and interesting and important you are.

You’ll see yourself as powerful

You’ll begin to use language in a way that shows both you and the world who you are.

You know how when you get new sneakers and you just want to go for a run?

You feel so bouncy and held.

Truth is beauty.

So- how do we get to the truth with language?

For some people this is terrifying. 

But it never shows anything bad because it can’t.

The truth of you is inherently wonderful.

***************

Are you curious to discover the story under your story?  To give the story breath?  To throw it into the world like fists full of glitter?

Or….maybe that doesn’t thrill you that much (I get it…I’ve been there, too…) but you are feeling a little nudge because a part of you knows that getting to know your own story will help you connect to the story under your child’s story.  To welcome them fully and completely.  To allow them the space to be seen- ALL parts of them.

Anne Heffron and I have come together to create something that we think will be stunning.  Anne has a gorgeous writing practice (I’ve done it!!!) that supports in the discovery of yourself, of your voice.  As we were talking about what we wanted to create for you, she said “WAIT!  What if we do my writing workshop???”

We stretched it out like silly putty and molded it slightly to be just the right experience specifically for everyone touched by adoption.

This six week program will begin on Thursday December 10, 2020.  We’ll take some time off over the holiday season and reconnect again in January!

If you’re feeling a rumbling somewhere in your body that you are ready to breathe life into the story under your story…and your child’s….go check out the six-week workshop and see what you think!  CLICK HERE to The Story Under the Story with Robyn Gobbel & Anne Heffron.

Robyn

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Saying the Unsayable {EP 5}


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The lie under the lie was that he wasn’t my dad. Anne Heffron

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When I hired Anne Heffron to be my writing coach, I didn’t know we basically had the same job.

Anne’s always asking…what’s the word under the word.  What’s the feeling under the feeling.  She simply won’t leave me alone with her insatiable drive to peer under the surface with a flashlight. No…a floodlight. And a scalpel.  Or…one of those melon ballers?  It’s a small and cute but pokey???

Anne and I had a conversation in front of the whole wide world where she talked about ways she really needed her adoptive parents to show up for her.  It was fun and delightful and honest and inspiring (because Anne is all those things).

……(psst….you can watch that conversation by clicking here)

We talked about a time she dug in her heels and wouldn’t let go of a lie….an obvious lie.  But she just wouldn’t let go.  Wouldn’t say “Ugh dad you’re right.  I didn’t.  I said I would.  I’m telling you I did.  But yeah…I didn’t.”

I’m not sure I’ve met an adoptive parent who wouldn’t nod along in understanding….having been the parent who is certain their child is lying but their child just will not call uncle.

Why, Anne, I said.  WHY?  Why not just fess up.

Because the lie under the lie, she said, is that he wasn’t my dad.

The lie under the lie.

The story under the story.

Writers and therapists.  We are doing the same thing.  We are getting underneath.  We are giving words to the unspeakable.  We are finding ways to say straight-up “That emperor doesn’t have any clothes on!!!!”

The story under the story is there.  Whether you talk about it or not, the Emperor is naked.  We think we are powerful enough to change reality if we ignore it, pretend it’s not there, and write a completely new story.

Oh boy, do we try.

We do it for ourselves.  We do it for our children.

In adoption, a child’s story is rewritten as a lie the moment the adoption is finalized and they get a new birth certificate that says their adoptive parents gave birth to them.

What if the story under the story is indeed very hard and sad (You aren’t my dad) but we can hold it together with the other story (but you are my dad).  What if the story under the story is completely true (my mother didn’t want me enough to try to figure out how to keep me) but so is the story under THAT story (there’s nothing wrong with me).

What if….the only thing we really need to do….is to find the story under the story.

It’s already there.  Let’s just talk about it.

When your child will not fess up that they ate the blue cupcake while blue icing falls off their chin, the story under the story is “I know this isn’t the truth.  I know it feels impossible to tell the truth right now.  I love you.”

When I asked Anne what would have happened if her dad had said that to her, she said “That makes me want to sob…because I would have felt seen.”

…..really….you can go watch this whole conversation unfold real-time.  We did not script anything about this conversation.  Anne didn’t know what I was going to say.  You can feel the relief in her body- even over the World Wide Web.  Watch the whole thing by clicking here.

What if giving words to the story under the story changed everything about your relationship with your child?  When we hold our own story (I’m not this child’s mother) together with another equally true story (I am this child’s mother).  What if this gives us the guts to hold our children’s story under THEIR story????  And what if this gives our kids the guts to SHOW us their story.

They really are longing for this.  They want to bring their whole story.  They want you to be brave.  To hold all of them.  To be their mirror and see all their parts.  All their stories.

I’m not your dad.  I am your dad.  You’re not my child.  You are my child.  I love and welcome all of these stories.  Because I love and welcome all of you.

Robyn

The brave conversation Anne and I had about what she really needed from her adoptive parents is posted on my free resources page.  Check everything out by clicking here.

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Honesty in Adoption. Even when it’s hard.


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I sat down to write a blog post about stories.

Specifically about helping kids understand and get connected to THEIR story.

Even the crummy parts.  Devastating parts.  Traumatic and tragic parts.

The blog was…let’s just say….no good.

I couldn’t even think straight.

My mind story is jumbly.

So I deleted the whole thing and started again.

This is what I want to tell you…

I’m in therapist discussion groups where people are still discussing if kids should know they are adopted.

Before I transitioned to a new website and dropped off some of my oldest blog articles, one very popular search that brought people to my blog was “When do I tell me child they are adopted” and “Should I tell my child they are adopted.”

Stories have been my favorite way to connect.  It’s interesting because I’m not inherently gifted at crafting a coherent story.  But stories and words and narrative…ALWAYS my favorite.  I used to skip recess to stay indoors to write stories.  In 3rd grade.

I know that sometimes it is very hard to help our kids grapple with the details of their story.  How much to tell?  Do we tell? What if they don’t really remember?  Why remind them?  Why bring up hard stuff?  Let’s focus on the good!

Tragedy always precedes a child’s need to have a new family.  Always.

Some of the tragedy involves things that feel realllllly uncomfortable to talk about.  With kids.  Abuse.  Rape.  Abandonment.

Some of the tragedy seems to feel a little less uncomfortable, but in a way, the less uncomfortable topics are almost more uncomfortable.  Poverty doesn’t seem quite as uncomfortable as abuse, but then…how do we explain that it led to the loss of their parents?

And then there’s the million dollar question of….do we really need to tell kids these things?

Yes.

The answer is yes.

Unequivocably yes.

There is no room for negotiation here.

And I have the science to prove it.

Then the next question is….HOW do we do this?

This question is a little more complicated but not even close to impossible to answer.

We tell children their story with honesty, transparency, and authenticity.

Lot’s of attunement.

And after we as the adults have worked out our own issues related to their story (though this isn’t a pass to delay telling the story- it’s an invitation to work out those issues as fast as possible).

If we don’t work out of our issues first, our children’s story becomes about us.

Our children need their story.

I know it’s hard to know how to give it to them.

I can help you 😊 Because it’s actually really not that complicated.  I know it FEELS extremely complicated.  I get it.

But it’s not.

Promise.

Robyn

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Adoption Grief


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Ahh.  National Adoption Month.  Here you are again.

Here’s what the Child’s Bureau (US Department of Health and Human Services) says about National Adoption Month:

November is National Adoption month, a month set aside to raise awareness about the urgent need for adoptive families for children and youth in foster care.

Here’s the impact I witness of National Adoption Month on adopted people:

Grief.  Confusion.  Anger.  Fawning.***

Somewhere along the line, National Adoption Month shifted from bringing awareness to the need for adoptive families for children in foster care to celebrating adoption, adoptive families, and particularly, adoptive parents.

This is hurting adopted people.

I’ve made it my life’s commitment to listen to adopted people.  And I can’t believe the things I’ve learned about life, and myself, from listening to adopted people.  I mean…things waaaaaay beyond adoption.  It’s pretty cool, actually.

Listening to adopted people really hit home for me a fundamental truth of being human.  And of doing good therapy.

We can, we MUST, experience multiple feelings as once.

Sometimes contradictory feelings.  Feelings that seem mutual exclusive on the surface.

Like….grief and gratitude.  Grief and goodness.  Grief and contentedness.

I’m not talking about spiritual bypassing by turning bad things into good ones. Looking on the bright side.  Finding the silver lining.

I’m not talking about turning grief and trauma INTO goodness.

I’m talking about holding BOTH.

At the exact same time.

There is no adoption without tragic loss.

It’s hard to imagine a loss more significant that what precedes adoption.

At the absolute LEAST, it’s complete loss, obliteration, annihilation of a family.

Regardless of the circumstances, regardless of the safety needs of the child, the annihilation of a family is a tragedy.

Not to mention, for many, adoption means complete loss of identify, culture, language, privilege, racial mirrors…I could make a reallllllly long list but suffice it to say, it’s a realllllllllly long list.  I’m not minimizing the losses or being trite, I’m just acknowledging the limits and reality of a blog post.  

Regardless of what blooms, it starts with tragedy.

As we move through National Adoption Month, let’s make a deliberate practice of always bringing ourselves back to this truth.

It is only in coming into full contact with this truth that we can offer adoptees the life-giving (and maybe life-saving) experience of having all parts of them welcomed.  Honored. Cherished.  Adored.

Recognizing the tragedy that precedes adoption does not take away from the truth that sometimes adoption really is the best, most necessary option (though let’s be honest…it’s not the best, most necessary option as much as it we think it is).

Recognizing the tragedy that precedes adoption does not take away from the truth that sometimes adoption creates something amazing.  A family.

A family that only exists because another one was annihilated.

Can you hold both?

Can both be true?

We must do our work to allow both to be true because adoptee lives are counting on us.

Do you know that the risk of suicide attempt is FOUR TIMES GREATER for adoptees than non-adopted people?***

FOUR TIMES!!!!!!

This is a complex and nuanced topic- but I feel absolutely positive (with no scientific proof to back it up) that the simple step of doing the work so we can hold tragedy, loss, and goodness all together would decrease this risk.

When we ignore the tragedy of adoption, we ignore a part of the core of the adopted person.

When we annihilated a part of the self, it makes sense that that self would be at increased risk of attempting annihilation.

We can do hard things.

We can honor the true tragedy and the grief implicit in adoption.

Let’s try.  Together!  I’m here with you.

I see the grief.  I see the goodness.

You can too.

Robyn

***Fawning = people pleasing.  Setting aside our own needs and feelings in order to please someone else or avoid stress in the relationship***

***Source: Keyes, M et. Al. (2013).  Risk of suicide attempt in adopted and non adopted offspring.  Pediatrics.  132(4). 639-646.***

New here?!?!?!  YAY!  I’m super excited you found me because my goal in life is to spread the neurobiology of being relationally human to everyone.  In the whole world.  And now, I’m one person closer to that 7 billion.

You’ll definitely want to get my free three-part video series that introduces you to this brain-based, paradigm shifting approach to understanding human behaviors: Regulation, Connection, and Felt-Safety.  You can watch it for FREE by clicking here!!!

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Self-Compassion Will Change Your Brain {EP 8}


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Keep reading or listen on the podcast.

Y’all hear me talking about self-compassion- a lot.  I mean, really a lot.

It’s probably a little annoying 😊 Because it’s a little like a broken record, but also- because self-compassion is really, really, really hard and may feel waaaay out of reach for you.

I know that my brain really needs to understand the science behind something- especially a vulnerable something like self-compassion- before I’m willing to risk trying it.

Maybe your brain is the same!!!

So here you go….a little introduction to the science of self-compassion.

Compassion is quite literally the neurobiology of change.

A compassionate brain is a brain that is open and available to shift, take in new information, and move toward integration.

Integration means developing lots of gorgeous, wonderful, rich, and plentiful connections; in the brain, in the body, and with each other!

Integration = mental wellness.

Integration mean emotion regulation.  Integration means staying regulated in the face of stress.  Integration means moving BACK into regulation more quickly after you flip your lid. Integration means empathy and insight.

Integration means all the good things.

More often.

Not all the time. 

I’m never ever ever ever ever aiming for integration all the time.

It’s not possible.  It’s not reasonable.  It’s not being human.

You will never stop flipping your lid.

You will never stop losing it on your kids.  Or your partner.

Or whatever it is that you want to stop doing.

And that’s OK.  Because it has to be OK because you are human and there is nothing you can do to transcend your humanity.

BUT…when we increase integration one of the things we do is build resilience.  That means it gets easier and faster for our body and brain and nervous system to come back into regulation; to feeling OK, clear, and connected.

This means we increase our ability to repair what happened when we flipped our lid.

This means we flip our lid less often.

This means we slow DOWN how quickly we flip our lid so we can use some of those brilliant coping skills that will help us NOT flip our lid.

How do we do this?

Practice self-compassion!!!!

Self-compassion sounds like “Oh, this is hard.  I’m doing the best I can.”

“I’m really hurting and overwhelmed right now.”

“Whoa…that was not ideal behavior.  That must mean that I was really hurting/overwhelmed in that moment.”

“The absolute only reason I would act that way is because I feel realllllly bad.”

“I’m not alone in this.  There are so many parents struggling right now.”

“Struggling is just what humans do.  Being human is hard.”

Self-compassion moves our nervous system from a reactive state to an open state.

From feeling tight and constricted and yucky to feeling open and curious…though obviously, not necessarily GOOD.

It’s a shift in the physical sensation.  Tight and constricted to open and receptive.

The more we shift into this open and receptive place the more we create the neurobiology the supports integration.  And remember all the good things integration means???

Here’s what I hear people say when they are resistant to self-compassion.

“If I’m compassionate with myself, I’m letting myself off the hook.  It’s just an excuse!”

“If I’m compassionate with myself, I’ll never change.  I’ll just keep doing this over and over again.”

“My behavior is so bad I don’t deserve compassion.”

My favorite way to turn this resistance around? 

Imagine if any of these beliefs are things you think are true about your best friend.

Their behavior is so bad they don’t deserve compassion?

See for me….someone’s really bad behavior means they need the MOST compassion.  Bad behavior = hurting.

Compassion and boundaries are NOT mutually exclusive.  We can absolutely hold compassion AND very very strong boundaries. For others….and ourselves 😊

If you were compassionate with your friend for their bad behavior, would that ensure that their behavior never changes?!?!  I mean really….does that even make sense?

Compassion and understanding what is DRIVING behavior is not EXCUSING the behavior.

Excusing is NOT the neurobiology of integration.  Compassion is.  Promise.

Robyn

Would you like to explore a complete paradigm-shift into how we see behavior? You can watch my F R E E 45(ish) minute-long masterclass on What Behavior Really Is and How to Change It.

Just let me know where to send the links!

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Hunker Down & Hang On


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Yesterday I sent an out an email with the subject line “Last Week Sucked.” 

I wanted to offer up a sense of ‘I’m WITH you!!!” that all of us have terrible days, weeks, months, (and even a year…).  I write so often on compassion, curiosity, and hope- and I have a very deliberate practice in my own life of noticing things that are good that sometimes I worry I give of the vibe of “everything’s perfect here!  No problems in my life!”

Nope nope and nope.  I DO work hard to be deliberate about noticing things that are good, but that isn’t so I don’t notice the things that aren’t.  It’s so a grow my capacity to manage the things that aren’t.  It’s not a path toward spiritual bypassing; it’s a path toward authentically and truly being with ALL experiences.  Good and bad ones.

(Also- I understand there is great privilege in my ability to do this.  I currently choose to believe that I can use my privilege for good- and a way I do that is by caring for my nervous system so I can support those who don’t benefit from the same privilege).  

So anyway, I just wrote an honest, authentic email about how last week sucked.

And I found myself writing “I really don’t even have anything helpful to say about how to get through sucky times.  Sometimes all we can to is hunker down, hang on, and hope it’s over soon.”

Turns out, that really resonated with folks.

Y’all, sometimes there are simply no silver linings.  There is no way to wrap things up in a bow or say ‘this was worth it’ or ‘this good thing happened because of this bad thing’ or any other sort of platitude that can sometimes be helpful but is more often a way we try to ignore how much things hurt.

Sometimes there are no coping skills that we can use that will help.  Sometimes there is no boundary to set.  Sometimes there is quite literally nothing we can DO.

Sometimes things just suck.

A lot.

And you may even be thinking “uh….this isn’t going to be over soon.”

Whatever your this is.

That very well may be true.

But there is a way to bring hope together with radical acceptance.  Radical acceptance says “this is what it is and I can’t do anything about this.”  (Well kinda…it’s more complicated that that but not really the overall point I’m trying to make here so I’m not going to go any further into it right now).  Hope says “It’s not possible for this to never change.  The world, people, energy, etc. isn’t static.  Even if this situation doesn’t change, my relationship to the experience will.  I’ve never had a feeling get stuck.” Hope says “Even though this terrible experience isn’t going to change, I can not be ALONE in the experience.”  Because it’s not experiences that cause things to be traumatic.  It’s aloneness.

We can keep a foot in hope.  A foot in radical acceptance. 

Things do change.  They will change.

And to be clear.

This mantra of hunker down, hang on, and hope it’s over soon….it’s not a great mantra for everything 😊  In fact, it’s probably not a great mantra for most things.  Some things need us to respond with anger.  With creating change.  With setting a boundary.

But sometimes that just isn’t possible.  And all we can do is hang on.

Hang on, dear ones.  Hang on.

Robyn

PS- Have you seen my free resources page?  Check it out and snag yourself a free video series and ebook on Trauma, Memory, and Behaviors.  OR a free video series on Regulation, Connection, and Felt-Safety- which is at the core of my philosophy and all my writings!!!  CLICK HERE to grab those right away!

PPS- If your craving the co-regulation and connection you deserve so you have the support you need during these impossible moments, come join us in The Club- a virtual community of connection, co-regulation, and a little education.

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